“Space Warrior Hitachi” by Alison Cybe

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You’re listening to The Voice of Dog.

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I’m Khaki, your faithful fireside companion,

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and today’s story is

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“Space Warrior Hitachi”

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by friend-of-the-fireplace Alison Cybe,

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who is a tabletop RPG writer for multiple companies,

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and author of “I was a gay teenage zombie”

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by Deep Hearts Press

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and you can find more of their stories on their webpage.

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“Space Warrior Hitachi”

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by Alison Cybe Y'know, whoever first said that thing about the 'cold vacuum of space' was really on to something.

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I mean, damn! Even just

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sitting here in the cockpit of my ship,

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I'm wearing three layers of thermal clothing and it's still cold.

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Thankfully, there are some

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good things in this big ol' universe of ours,

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and coffee is one of them.

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I take a sip of the warm, steaming liquid

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and feel instantly better.

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Yup, it's sure cold out here.

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If I had a better ship, or some serious cash inflow,

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I might even be able to fit it with some kind of heating.

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Oh well, at least the view's nice out there.

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This isn't a big ship,

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more of a shuttle really,

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and can easily just sit here floating in a sea of stars without anyone noticing.

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Just me and my coffee,

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nice, peaceful and quiet,

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undisturbed by anyone.

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Except maybe those guys.

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The ship was about twice the size of mine, and floated in front of my window, growing

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bigger and bigger.

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Oh well, they say that size doesn't matter.

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What does matter is that its bloody big gun turrets were pointing right at me.

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On the panel in front of me,

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a little blue light blinked on.

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It was an incoming transmission message;

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I knew that because I'd taped a label next to it.

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I pressed it. "Hitachi!"

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came the voice, crackly and slightly squeaky.

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If ever I'd heard a rat-like voice, that was it.

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Oh yeah, that's my name by the way. Hitachi.

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The brave, noble space warrior.

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I flick open the channel,

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"Who's this?" "Space Pirate Hitachi"

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announced the voice,

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"Wanted for crimes against the people of the universe.

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universe." Okay, maybe the warrior thing wasn't exactly accurate, but I'd definitely not call myself a pirate.

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And crimes? Gimme a break.

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I press the channel button again,

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"Sorry bud, you've got the wrong guy."

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"Your ship ID matches the police records,"

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the rat-voice said,

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"And your voice pattern checks out too.

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too." Damn. It was worth a shot.

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Y'know, ever since they let every no-good mercenary with half a brain have total access to police records on piracy,

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innocent guys like me can never have a break.

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"Look," I told him,

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"The fuel was just sitting there on that asteroid.

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Nobody was using it."

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"That asteroid was a depot station",

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growled my ratty friend there,

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"That's where fuel's always stored!"

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Okay, so maybe I was exaggerating my innocence just a little.

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Hey, if I didn't take it, some other guy out there would have.

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I was providing a service.

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I mean, if someone hadn't moved all that fuel, the asteroid could have...

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erm... lost its orbit and crashed.

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Yeah, that's it. Oh shut up.

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Okay, let's get thinking here.

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These guys are armed to the teeth.

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Actually, they're very lightly armed, but compared to my sorry excuse-for-a-battleship here, they might as well be an entire armada.

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I'm no chance against them in a firefight.

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So, let's put that magnificent brain of mine to use.

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Now I don't want to brag or anything, but I've been able to think my way out of more scrapes than you can shake a laser sword at.

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In fact, that reminds me of a time, back on Europa...

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"You have twelve seconds to surrender"

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said the rat-jerk.

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Oh well, I'll save the story for another time. Right now,

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time to use my best trick.

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"I sorry", I call into the voice speaker in my best lunar accent,

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"I no speak English very good.

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We small cargo shuttle, yes.

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You want fries with that, sir?"

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Hey, it's better than nothing.

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What, you think you could have thought of anything better?

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That line's got me out of more scrapes than.

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than... Okay, it's never worked.

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Satisfied? "Eight seconds"

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Damn it, this wasn't looking good.

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I checked the panel to my right, the one labeled 'scanner'.

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"Please," I whispered to myself, "Please please please please..."

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Excellent! There was a jump gate about five minutes from me.

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Thank goodness for small mercies like that.

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Maybe, just maybe, I'd be able to get there.

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With all three minutes of fuel I have left.

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With this huge bugger chasing me, with cannons that could turn this entire ship into scrap metal in about twenty seconds.

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Yeah, right. Bloody jump gates. Okay,

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a little bit about these things.

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About a hundred years ago, one of those big corporations made up these gates,

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allowing you to hop around space.

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For a while, they were the big thing. Very chic.

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You rush on into the gate, surf around, and when you've arrived you drop back out into normal space.

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See? Now, one of the little problems is that just about every ship in the universe has a gate accelerator thingy, which is a little electronic doo-dad that sticks onto the bottom of your ship, and opens a gate without needing a jump gate.

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Since they were invented, the whole

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jump gate thing has pretty much become redundant.

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In fact, because of the tendency for smugglers, crooks, pirates and other nefarious types

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to hide out in the old abandoned gate tunnels,

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you're much safer to use your own.

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No, I'm not one of those nefarious types!

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But yeah, most ships have one of those electronic doo-dads.

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Oh yeah, except mine.

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Classy, huh? "Two seconds!"

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reminds the rat-man over the speaker,

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in case I'd forgotten.

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Didn't look like there was any other choice.

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I hit the button for the jets.

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The jets kicked in

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and gave a roaring whine.

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Did I mention this little ship is old, crusty and falling apart?

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All the fuel I'd...

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borrowed... would have been able to keep this thing going for

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decades. But the fuel was sitting in the storage bays of the Firewall,

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my main ship. It's about seven times the size of this little shuttle,

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and is what I call home.

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And, through a series of events that I really don't want to get into at the moment, is sitting about thirty hours flight from here.

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Getting there could be a problem,

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especially because this hunk of junk can't actually navigate inside the jump gate tunnels.

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Screech, roared the ship's hull.

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Reassuring sound, innit?

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It does that when I turn too fast.

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I yank on the controls, and its nose jams to the right.

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At full speed, which I was hitting at that moment,

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things start to shake.

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And at that moment, the rat-jerk behind me lets loose with his cannons.

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They slam into my ship's hull like a suicidal trout.

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And yes, that is a metaphor. I say it

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is, so there. The ship was sent buckling, swaying to and fro.

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My cup of coffee, top still attached, rolls off the panel

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and skitters across the floor.

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Crap! At that moment, I was half expecting the back of the ship to catch fire.

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And sure enough, it did.

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Another volley of laser cannon pummeled into my ship, and I jam the button

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to direct all power to the jets.

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Things started to shake,

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and a few sparks shot up from the panel, as they tend to do at times like this for some reason.

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The jump gate loomed ahead of me.

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Almost there. A final volley of laser cannon discharge pounded into my hull as the jump gate swam open,

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great heaving stars of light shimmering into a luminescent,

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artificial wormhole.

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Damn things sure are pretty, let me tell you.

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For a moment I caught a deep breath of that cold air,

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thinking it might be my last.

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Running away from a squeaky voiced rat bounty hunter, with my tail between my legs.

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Not a fitting end for the noble, brave space warrior Hitachi.

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I braced for laser impact, gritting my teeth.

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And then, the gate slammed shut behind me.

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Around the ship, the blazing lights of cosmic influx swam like fire in a disco.

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I breathed a sigh of relief, and slammed off the power before the engines exploded.

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Parts of the inner hull were on fire, I could smell the smoke.

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I'd need to take care of that, I decided.

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But first of all, there was something much more important to take care of.

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I got down on my hands and knees,

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and scrambled around desperately. It had to be here somewhere.

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My fingers found it.

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And yes, it was intact.

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It had rolled under the control station in the firefight, but everything was fine now.

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My cup of coffee was okay, and the top

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was still fastened securely.

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Not a drop was spilled.

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Maybe I'm blessed.

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So, after getting the fires extinguished and actually rewiring the heating,

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I put my footpaws up and decided

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that now was as best a time as any

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to relax. I drank some coffee -

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still warm - and decided to wait until we dropped out of wherever it was these jump gates sent us.

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And this was the part I was dreading the most.

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But there was no way to avoid it.

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Unless I got it over with, I'd never make it home.

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So I took a deep breath,

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and said "Computer?"

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On a monitor above and to the right of the window, a digitized raccoon face appears, scowling. "Wit dae ya want noo, ya mingin' wee dobbah?"

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it asked. When I bought this ship, it came with a computer, as all ships do.

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It s job is basically to navigate, plot courses, manage the fuel supply, and make sure the air doesn't

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disappear. About twenty years ago, some bozo thought it would be a good idea to create a computer with something

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resembling a personality.

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Of course, computers couldn't actually have a personality, because that would be stupid.

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Instead, they gave them

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'Character'. Which basically involved,

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well, this. Funny thing is, twenty years later, the more money you're willing to pay for your computer, the better 'character' it has.

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And I wasn't willing to pay very much.

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"Set a course for the Firewall" I told it. "Whut's the mattah, can ye no dae it yersael?"

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it whined. "No Stevie,

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I can't." I answered. Which was honest, because I never learned how.

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I was too busy learning things like surviving a gun fight, y'know, useful stuff.

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Oh yes, and the computer's called Stevie. It was either that, or 'Effin

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Useless'. Tuning out the whining from that useless pile of circuit boards and microchips, I pull out my trusty pocket mirror

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and check my reflection.

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Hey, it's a feline thing.

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Oh, didn't I mention?

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I'm from Kyranis. We're all half-feline. Something to do with

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genetic experiments by some scientist guy a few centuries ago. But damn,

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do I look good or what?

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Eyes the colour of vibrant green emeralds,

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perfect teeth,

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and strong masculine jaw line.

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Damn, I'm perfect. "An git yersael inta a shower, yer pure reekin' ya stinky beggah!"

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yelped Stevie. Alright,

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so I'm looking a little rough.

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Hey, supplies have been running low; I need all the water for drinking.

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I relax back in the chair, put my footpaws up,

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and knock what remains of my coffee

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over the panel. The computer stutters something half-intelligible, and goes silent.

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Not before time, mind you. * * *

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Five hours later, the computer's managed to repair itself and we're ready to drop back into normal space.

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Shame really, I was enjoying my nap.

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I get back into the pilot seat

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and hit on the retro jets.

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Slowly the firestorm of stars outside starts to slow, pulsing gradually with myriad colours

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as the ship slows.

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With a vibrant shudder and a

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rumbling that echoes right up through my seat,

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they grind to a halt, and we're back in real space again.

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What, you were expecting something more elegant?

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Puh-lease! This ain't the movies.

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In the distance, among the vast speckled night sky, I could see a

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large red-swirled orb of Jupiter,

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hanging suspended in oblivion.

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If I had turned my head to look around further, I'd have seen some of its

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huge array of moons.

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Down on its surface, unnoticeable, sit the terran colonies.

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Funny place, Jupiter.

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It's getting harder to get a good deal for your money there.

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To the right, neat Calisto,

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is the Firewall. The brilliant, majestic floating castle

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of the vicious space warrior, Hitachi.

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Okay, so it's seen better days.

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I've had to stop it being hauled away as garbage a few times. But it's still good, honest!

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And it's home, innit?

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Except that between it and me,

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sits the rat-jerk's ship.

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Crap! I'd thought I'd lost him.

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Guess not. It's really not turning out to be a very good day, is it?

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Incomming message.

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Great, he wants to talk.

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I hit the button, and his face pops up on the monitor.

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Boy, was my guess right or what?

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He had a long nose, small beady eyes, and whiskers. Even looked like a rat.

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He grinned, "We've got you now, foul pirate scum."

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Y'know, there's no need to be insulting.

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I tried to think of something to say.

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For some reason, I don't think my ploy from before will work now.

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And if worse comes to worse, I could always throw cups of coffee at him.

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"Alright, what do you want?" I ask finally.

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The rat-man grins.

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"Your bounty, of course.

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course." Why does that not surprise me?

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What is it, open hunting season on me?

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"Didn't you hear? The bounty was called off",

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I try, "Turns out it was all a big mistake."

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"I don't believe you."

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"You're a real trusting guy.

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Not. I bet your friends are thrilled."

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"Don't have any of them", retorted rat boy,

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"They just get in the way.

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way." Oh great, I was dealing with a psychotic hermit with laser cannons.

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I thought about outrunning him.

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Oh yeah, not enough fuel for that.

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Maybe I could outfight him... No, maybe not.

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Time to outsmart him.

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"Look behind you!" I shout.

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It doesn't work. Hey, what are you looking at me like that for?

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Didn't your mother ever tell you to try your best at everything you do?

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Well, that was mine.

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Okay, I'm out of ideas.

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"Turn over access to your computer, and I'll take you in alive"

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grinned rodent boy.

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Well at least he's not a complete jerk.

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See, the thing is,

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computers can catch a decent price,

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and are always useful.

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Always need fixing, y'see.

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So apparently, he was willing to be reasonable.

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Actually it was the only choice I had.

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A new computer system would cost me more than I had.

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And, oh yeah, it was integrated into the ship, so I'd lose that too.

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Not really a great deal, I suppose.

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"Fine, fine" I concede,

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"The code's seven six nine, eight four two."

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My little rat friend typed the code into his computer.

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I wasn't looking forward to what would happen next.

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Basically, it involved his computer connecting with mine, and taking control of it. From that point, anything could happen.

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Self-destruct, oxygen going missing, you get the idea.

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He finished entering the code.

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I held my breath.

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Shut my eyes.

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And time seemed to stretch on forever.

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Until... "What the hell?" stuttered

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the voice over my monitor.

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It was rat-boy. "What did you do to my computer?"

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I opened my eyes.

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Sure enough, his ship was still hanging in the window, between me and the Firewall.

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But now, the lights in its ports were off. Was nobody home? I looked into the monitor which still showed our little rodent buddy. He was still

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there, but the lights were out.

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Lights on his control panel.

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He looked right at me, and growled.

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"My computer's dead!

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What did you do?" I looked up to the pixilated face of Stevie.

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"What happened?" I asked.

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"Tha wee mentul thang wen' an' killed itsael!"

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answered the computer.

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And then it all made perfect sense.

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Of course! Rat-face's computer system must have overloaded, and shut itself down. I mean,

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there's plenty of times I've wanted to do that while talking to Stevie.

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Part of me couldn't quite believe it.

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My enemy's computer had killed itself rather than talk to mine.

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He's actually that obnoxious!

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Rat-jerk's pointed-nosed face was still on my monitor, and he gave a defeated sigh.

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"Don't suppose you can give me a lift, could you?"

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he asked. I grinned,

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sipped my coffee, and hit the button for my course back home.

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This was “Space Warrior Hitachi”

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by Alison Cybe, read for you by Khaki, your faithful fireside companion.

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For more stories you can find us wherever you get your podcasts, or on the web at thevoice.dog.

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Thank you for listening

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to The Voice of Dog