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“Blind Date Blues” by Ian Madison Keller (1 of 2)
A hard-nosed beaver detective goes on a date with a Texas Longhorn bull that she met on the internet. What could go right?
Today’s story is the first of two parts of “Blind Date Blues” by Ian Madison Keller, who who has won a Coyotl Award and two LEO Literary Awards, and his newest book is Ritual of the Ancients by Fanged Fiction and you can find more of his stories on his webpage.
Read for you by Khaki, your faithful fireside companion.
Transcript
You’re listening to The Voice of Dog.
Speaker:I’m Khaki, your faithful fireside companion,
Speaker:and Today’s story is the first of two parts of
Speaker:“Blind Date Blues”
Speaker:by Ian Madison Keller,
Speaker:who who has won a Coyotl Award and two LEO Literary Awards,
Speaker:and his newest book
Speaker:is Ritual of the Ancients by Fanged Fiction and
Speaker:you can find more of his stories
Speaker:on his webpage. Please enjoy:
Speaker:“Blind Date Blues”
Speaker:by Ian Madison Keller,
Speaker:Part 1 of 2 "So, do we think this a good idea?"
Speaker:Sam said, propping the phone up with her shoulder
Speaker:while she held a dress in front of her reflection.
Speaker:The red complimented her dusky brown fur and eyes,
Speaker:but it was too revealing for a first date.
Speaker:"Well," Parker said.
Speaker:Sam could practically hear the shrug.
Speaker:"It's your cow." "He's a bull, Parker, not a cow.
Speaker:cow." Sam rolled her eyes.
Speaker:She dropped the dress and picked up another one.
Speaker:This one was a cotton sun dress with a red paisley pattern.
Speaker:She held it up and twirled in front of the mirror,
Speaker:using her wide, flat tail to stop her momentum.
Speaker:Perfect. "I still can't believe you are going on blind date,"
Speaker:Parker chided. "With a cow, at that.
Speaker:that." In the background his cubs began singing.
Speaker:"A beaver and a cow, sitting in a tree,
Speaker:k. i. s. s.--" There was the sound of a door slamming and the singing cut off.
Speaker:"They better not do that during the date,"
Speaker:Sam growled. She clicked her phone over to speaker-phone and laid it on the bed so she could pull on the dress.
Speaker:"Don't worry, we got them a sitter.
Speaker:sitter." Sam laughed as she picked up a brush
Speaker:and began resettling the fur that had been rumpled by the dress.
Speaker:"They must be furious that you're going to the carnival without them.
Speaker:them." Parker paused. "We, uh, didn't tell them where we were going."
Speaker:"They're going to smell it on your fur when you get back,"
Speaker:Sam warned in a good natured tone.
Speaker:"I know." Parker sounded resigned,
Speaker:but then his voice perked up.
Speaker:"Anyway, we'll pick you up in ten minutes.
Speaker:minutes." Parker hung up without saying goodbye.
Speaker:Sam turned and regarded herself in the mirror once more.
Speaker:The sleeveless dress
Speaker:hit her about mid-thigh, with crisscrossed straps over her shoulders that left her arms and upper back bare.
Speaker:It looked good, but it was missing something.
Speaker:She went over to the closet and regarded her hat boxes.
Speaker:She had a cute straw sun hat with a fabric band
Speaker:and bow that matched the dress,
Speaker:but a hat would be impractical on the rides and prone to be blown away or lost.
Speaker:Still, it was too cute not to wear.
Speaker:She grabbed a pawful of bobby pins from her bathroom on the way out.
Speaker:Parker's wife Stacy could help her pin the hat in place.
Speaker:Rather than leave through the underwater entrance to her lodge,
Speaker:she climbed the ladder set in the corner of her living room and exited via the hatch in the roof.
Speaker:Parker's mini-van turned into the Lake Bybee's parking lot
Speaker:as Sam stepped off the dock. #
Speaker:They arrived at Waterfront Park
Speaker:as the gates for the Portland Rose Festival opened for the morning.
Speaker:The Festival grounds
Speaker:took up the entirety of the west side of the waterfront
Speaker:along the Willamette River.
Speaker:Parker dropped Stacy and Sam by the gate before driving off to locate parking.
Speaker:The waterfront was particularly pretty this summer morning.
Speaker:Seagulls glided overhead,
Speaker:white specks against the blue sky.
Speaker:A northern breeze ruffled Sam's fur,
Speaker:the cold air taking the edge off the heat.
Speaker:Despite the extra pounds she still carried from her last pregnancy,
Speaker:Stacy walked like a dancer,
Speaker:skipping and hoping along in a way that Sam could never hope to duplicate.
Speaker:Sam waddled off,
Speaker:which wasn't very fast on her stubby little webbed feet.
Speaker:In water she always felt graceful and dexterous, but on land she felt awkward and disproportioned,
Speaker:especially while walking next to the nimble raccoon woman.
Speaker:Once at the gate,
Speaker:Sam's date was easy to spot.
Speaker:The tan-furred Texas Longhorn relaxed against the fence
Speaker:in a casual yet confident pose,
Speaker:muscled arms tucked into the pockets of his jeans,
Speaker:one leg extended, and the other bent back to rest against the fence.
Speaker:His cowboy hat did nothing to hide the two long horns
Speaker:that curved out from his head.
Speaker:It was pulled down low over his forehead
Speaker:to shade his eyes against the bright morning sunshine.
Speaker:He wore jeans and a white, embroidered western shirt,
Speaker:and together the entire outfit screamed cowboy.
Speaker:"There he is," Sam said, pointing out the bull lounging by the gate to Stacy.
Speaker:"My date, Oscar Widehorn.
Speaker:Widehorn." Stacy's eyes widened.
Speaker:"He's a bull! But, he's so short!"
Speaker:True to his word,
Speaker:Oscar stood barely taller than Sam's own two and a half feet.
Speaker:Even more amazing,
Speaker:he looked exactly like his online profile picture.
Speaker:Oscar straightened from his slouch as Sam and Stacy approached
Speaker:and tilted his hat back.
Speaker:He flashed them a wide grin
Speaker:as he waved them over.
Speaker:"You must be Samantha."
Speaker:"I am." Stacy hung back while Sam went over to Oscar and offered him her paw.
Speaker:Oscar's hoof-like finger tips were rough on her webs,
Speaker:although his grip was surprisingly gentle.
Speaker:When Oscar drew back from the shake Sam gestured to Stacy who stepped up next to her with a smile.
Speaker:"Oscar, pleased to meet you.
Speaker:I'm Stacy, Parker's wife.
Speaker:I'd like to say Sam told us so much about you, but, well, she didn't.
Speaker:didn't." She must not have heard her cubs singing,
Speaker:or maybe she thought it had been a joke.
Speaker:Stacy shot Sam a dirty look.
Speaker:"I'm sorry I'm a bit flustered.
Speaker:I admit I thought you'd be a beaver."
Speaker:To his credit Oscar took Stacy's sniping in stride.
Speaker:He nodded, his expression serious.
Speaker:In a deadpan voice he said,
Speaker:"I get that a lot.
Speaker:lot." Sam laughed but Stacy scowled.
Speaker:"What's so funny?" Parker asked, coming up from behind them to stand next to Stacy.
Speaker:"Just a slight misunderstanding,"
Speaker:Sam said, smiling at Oscar.
Speaker:"Anyway, Oscar, this is my partner, Parker."
Speaker:"Pleased to meet you,"
Speaker:Oscar said politely to the raccoon.
Speaker:"Samantha's told me a lot about you.
Speaker:you." Parker's black eyes lit up.
Speaker:"All bad things, I hope.
Speaker:After all, I have a reputation to uphold.
Speaker:uphold." "You'd be surprised." Sam cut in, flustered.
Speaker:"Shall we go in?" "Of course, m'lady.
Speaker:m'lady." Oscar held out his elbow to Sam.
Speaker:Sam suppressed a groan
Speaker:at the antiquated wording and overly condescending manner.
Speaker:He'd been so sweet and soft-spoken online that caught her off guard.
Speaker:However, to be polite she reached out and took his elbow.
Speaker:It was a bit awkward;
Speaker:he was short for a bull, tiny even,
Speaker:but he was still a bit taller than Sam.
Speaker:Inside the festival grounds Sam waved to a pair of on duty PPD patrolmen
Speaker:watching the incoming attendees.
Speaker:One of the pair was Theo,
Speaker:a lean otter who'd grown up in her Lake Bybee neighborhood.
Speaker:Theo puffed up his chest
Speaker:and gave her a sharp salute.
Speaker:His partner, a porcupine
Speaker:and a long time veteran of the department, smiled ruefully
Speaker:and shook her head at Theo's behavior before turning her attention back to her duties.
Speaker:"So Oscar," Stacy said, dragging Parker forward so that they walked on Oscar's other side.
Speaker:"What do you do for a living?"
Speaker:Sam cocked her head to look up at him,
Speaker:also curious about the answer.
Speaker:Online, he'd told her that he'd moved to Portland from New Mexico to take a position at a local startup,
Speaker:but had been a little vague about what exactly that position was or what company.
Speaker:Oscar hesitated and glanced at Sam.
Speaker:"I'm working as a lab technician right now while I finish getting my Oregon certifications,"
Speaker:he said after a pause.
Speaker:"I graduated last year with a Ph.D in chemistry, but some of my New Mexico certs didn't transfer."
Speaker:"So Lab Technician isn't the job that brought you up here?"
Speaker:Sam asked. Her eyes had widened as Oscar had spoken.
Speaker:Like Theo she'd gone straight to the academy after High School and never looked back.
Speaker:Oscar's admission made her doubt that she was good enough for him.
Speaker:"No, but it's only going to be for a few more weeks at most.
Speaker:most." Abruptly he shifted direction, turning towards the rows of carnival games.
Speaker:Sam let go of his arm and jumped back,
Speaker:trying to keep her feet out from under his clomping hooves.
Speaker:She steadied herself with her flat tail, or she would have fallen over.
Speaker:At least Oscar noticed her distress and stopped.
Speaker:"Ah, sorry," he said, having the grace to look embarrassed, with ears and tail drooped.
Speaker:"It's fine," Sam said.
Speaker:"But we need to buy tickets before we can play the games.
Speaker:games." She pointed a webbed finger towards the closest ticket booth situated at the beginning of the midway.
Speaker:It had a sign over the top that read "Tickets Sold Here" and was painted a bright yellow.
Speaker:They walked over as a group,
Speaker:where Oscar graciously offered to buy enough tickets for all of them.
Speaker:"Thanks, but I'm not interested in games, just food,"
Speaker:Parker said, his whiskers and nose twitching.
Speaker:Sam smelled it too,
Speaker:the aroma of fat and fried sugar wafted over from the line of food carts nearby.
Speaker:"How about we meet up in half an hour? Then we can go on the rides together,"
Speaker:Stacy said to her and Oscar,
Speaker:but her head was swiveled around staring at the food carts.
Speaker:Raccoons, honestly.
Speaker:Sam hesitated. She wasn't sure about being left alone with Oscar that long;
Speaker:it defeated the purpose of the double date.
Speaker:"Sure. Meet back here in thirty,"
Speaker:Oscar said. Before Sam could protested Parker and Stacy were off.
Speaker:Oscar handed Sam some of the tickets as they walked into the midway.
Speaker:"Anything catch your eye?"
Speaker:Sam stopped to consider the arrayed games and then pointed to the Shooting Gallery.
Speaker:This particular one had air rifles and targets shaped like birds.
Speaker:The banner at the back read
Speaker:"Shoot Ducks to win!"
Speaker:Homely tchotchke prizes hung from the ceiling
Speaker:and down each of the poles in front.
Speaker:Oscar's muzzle wrinkled in a horrified expression and he snorted.
Speaker:"Wouldn't you rather play Skeeball, or, oh, I know!"
Speaker:he flexed his arm for Sam,
Speaker:causing the muscles to swell against the fabric of his white button up shirt.
Speaker:"I can impress you on the Strongman Game."
Speaker:"Oh, c'mon." She gestured to his cowboy hat,
Speaker:Western shirt, and jeans.
Speaker:"Surely a strong cowboy like you isn't afraid of me beating you in a shooting contest?"
Speaker:Oscar pouted and batted his eyelashes at her.
Speaker:They were very long, thick eyelashes.
Speaker:She caught herself admiring them and chastised herself. This date was going downhill fast; he might be attractive but
Speaker:that was about it.
Speaker:She wondered where the funny,
Speaker:thoughtful guy was that she'd chatted with online for the last two weeks
Speaker:had gone. "Fine, Shooting Gallery.
Speaker:But Strongman Game next,"
Speaker:Oscar said. "How about the Shooting Gallery winner picks the next game?"
Speaker:Sam lobbed back at him.
Speaker:He deflated a bit, but nodded.
Speaker:"Best two out of three.
Speaker:three." Sam agreed, so they made their way over to the Shooting Gallery booth and each gave their tickets to the mongoose behind the counter.
Speaker:"You get ten shots,"
Speaker:the mongoose said, stepping aside.
Speaker:"If you can hit seven targets you win the smallest prize.
Speaker:prize." When he finished his speech he hit a button on the side of the target area
Speaker:and the little ducks began bobbing and weaving about on the backboard.
Speaker:"Ladies first," Oscar said,
Speaker:pressing one of the air rifles into her paws.
Speaker:Sam lifted it and took a moment to become familiar with its weight and heft.
Speaker:Then she raised it to her shoulder,
Speaker:sighted down the barrel at the wooden ducks,
Speaker:and pulled the trigger. Pop
Speaker:-pop-pop. Each shot found a target.
Speaker:"Wow!" the mongoose exclaimed when she was done.
Speaker:"You hit ten out of ten.
Speaker:For that you can pick one of the medium prizes.
Speaker:prizes." Sam selected a garish orange and purple plush raccoon to give to Parker's kids.
Speaker:When she was done she stepped back,
Speaker:hugging the ugly thing to herself, and gestured to Oscar.
Speaker:"Your turn." He picked up the rifle
Speaker:and held it awkwardly as he aimed towards the little bouncing ducks.
Speaker:The air rifle popped several times.
Speaker:Sam watched the board expectantly,
Speaker:but none of the ducks flipped back.
Speaker:"That's odd. It worked for me," she said when Oscar was out of shots and all of the targets were upright.
Speaker:"Best two out of three, right?"
Speaker:Oscar pulled his cowboy hat down and turned away.
Speaker:"No, it's fine. You win.
Speaker:I forgot you were a cop when I made that bet.
Speaker:bet." She smiled. "I guess I do have a bit of an unfair advantage,
Speaker:but I thought with you growing up on a cattle farm that you'd know how to shoot.
Speaker:shoot." Oscar shrugged his broad shoulders
Speaker:and glanced over at her,
Speaker:eyes wary. "Never much good at it.
Speaker:In any case, you won our bet.
Speaker:So what game do you want to try next?"
Speaker:"Now I feel bad, taking advantage of you like that!"
Speaker:Sam slapped her tail on the grass,
Speaker:sending up a little puff of dust.
Speaker:"How about you show me the Strongman?"
Speaker:Oscar's face lit up,
Speaker:and he gave Sam a little smile.
Speaker:"Alright." The employee manning the Strongman Game,
Speaker:a bighorn sheep with curling horns that towered three feet taller than both Oscar and Sam,
Speaker:was calling out to passerby's as they approached.
Speaker:"Step right up, test your strength! Show your lady you're a man and not a boy!"
Speaker:He spotted Oscar and Sam and pointed a finger at Oscar.
Speaker:"You there, pocket bull!
Speaker:This is your chance to show your girl there that you're only tiny in size, not spirit.
Speaker:spirit." Oscar grinned and winked at Sam,
Speaker:and gave the sheep a ticket.
Speaker:The sheep stepped aside and pointed to a line of rubber mallets of various sizes lined up near the Strongman's striker plate.
Speaker:Oscar selected a mallet with a handle
Speaker:almost as tall as himself,
Speaker:grunting with effort as he hefted it over his shoulder.
Speaker:The sheep bleated with surprise but recovered
Speaker:and began heckling.
Speaker:"Oh, tiny here thinks he's a big bull.
Speaker:Let's see if he can pull it off!"
Speaker:Oscar staggered as he stepped over in front of the striker plate.
Speaker:He lined up, gripping the mallet with booth hooved hands.
Speaker:He lifted it off his shoulder and up,
Speaker:his arms shaking with effort.
Speaker:As he swung he slightly turned his head, and the rubber edge of the mallet caught on one of his horns.
Speaker:His blow went wide, barely hitting the edge of the striker.
Speaker:The little puck jumped up,
Speaker:and the bulbs on the sides began to light up.
Speaker:One. Two. Three. Sam counted the bulbs;
Speaker:fifteen total lined each side.
Speaker:"Better luck next time," the sheep said, casually picking up the mallet and placing it back with the others.
Speaker:Oscar huffed. One back hoof pawed at the ground making round little divots in the grass.
Speaker:"Again." He handed the sheep another ticket.
Speaker:"Oscar, really, there's no need to—" Sam began,
Speaker:but cut off when Oscar glared at her.
Speaker:Sam sighed and hugged her garish plush raccoon to her chest as Oscar selected a mallet.
Speaker:At least he chose a slightly smaller and lighter one than before.
Speaker:This time his blow hit the plate dead center.
Speaker:The little puck flew up, and Sam was sure it was going to ring the gong at the top.
Speaker:Two bulbs from the top
Speaker:it plummeted back down.
Speaker:Oscar's eyes narrowed and his chest heaved
Speaker:as the bighorn sheep took back the mallet.
Speaker:Sam waved to get Oscar's attention
Speaker:before he could insist on another try.
Speaker:When he glanced her way she pointed towards the food carts.
Speaker:"Time to go meet Parker and Stacy.
Speaker:Stacy." Oscar didn't say anything as they headed back to the midway's entrance.
Speaker:"Good job with that second hit!"
Speaker:Sam said, trying to cheer him up.
Speaker:"Only two away from the bell."
Speaker:"Stop making fun of me,"
Speaker:Oscar growled. Sam slapped her tail on the ground.
Speaker:"I’m not! I was complimenting you.
Speaker:You know those things are calibrated to challenge even bigger animals.
Speaker:Trust me, I'm impressed you hit it hard enough to get that close.
Speaker:close." Oscar was silent the rest of the way back to the meeting spot.
Speaker:His expression was distant,
Speaker:and she hoped he was mulling over her words.
Speaker:Parker and Stacy were waiting for them when they exited the midway.
Speaker:Parker carried a paper plate that contained a piece of fried dough bigger than his head.
Speaker:"Want some bear claw?"
Speaker:he said, thrusting the plate towards them.
Speaker:Then he spotted Sam's plushie.
Speaker:"Nice raccoon, Digger.
Speaker:Digger." Sam grinned back at him.
Speaker:"Thanks. I'm thinking of making it my next partner.
Speaker:At least then I'd get some peace and quiet in the office.
Speaker:office." Parker held a paw in front of his eyes and squinted through his fingers.
Speaker:"You planning to blind the suspects with it before you question them?"
Speaker:She laughed. "It is pretty brightly colored, isn't it?
Speaker:But I thought your kids might like it.
Speaker:it." While she and Parker bantered
Speaker:Oscar tore two pieces off the bear claw.
Speaker:He offered one to Sam,
Speaker:who tucked the plush under an arm to take it from him.
Speaker:Overhead a gull cawed
Speaker:and a second later a feral seagull was beating her about the head and face with its wings.
Speaker:Sam screamed and dropped the plush raccoon to swat at the bird.
Speaker:In the chaos she saw that Parker and Stacy had somehow managed to protect the rest of the bear claw from the thief.
Speaker:So the bird turned and snapped its beak down on the piece of bear claw she held,
Speaker:ripping it free of her paw before launching away with a screech.
Speaker:The gull's feet hit her hat as it winged away,
Speaker:tearing the bobby pins free of her fur.
Speaker:The breeze caught the wide hat
Speaker:and lifted it up way and into the air.
Speaker:"My hat," Sam cried and grabbed for it,
Speaker:but the wind twisted it up and out of her reach.
Speaker:"I'll get it for you!"
Speaker:Oscar cried, charging after it.
Speaker:This was the first of 2 parts of
Speaker:“Blind Date Blues”
Speaker:by Ian Madison Keller,
Speaker:read for you by Khaki,
Speaker:your faithful fireside companion.
Speaker:Tune in next time to find out how Sam’s date with Oscar the bull ends.
Speaker:As always, you can find more stories on the web at thevoice.dog,
Speaker:or find the show wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker:Thank you for listening
Speaker:to The Voice of Dog
