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“Blind Date Blues” by Ian Madison Keller (2 of 2)

Sam the Beaver’s date with Oscar is going badly, as he tries too hard to be manly at the carnival games. Then she loses her hat to the wind, and he chases after it over her objections.

Today’s story is the first of two parts of “Blind Date Blues” by Ian Madison Keller, who who has won a Coyotl Award and two LEO Literary Awards, and his newest book is Ritual of the Ancients by Fanged Fiction and you can find more of his stories on his webpage.

Read for you by Khaki, your faithful fireside companion.

Transcript
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You’re listening to The Voice of Dog.

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I’m Khaki, your faithful fireside companion,

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and Today’s story is the second of two parts of

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“Blind Date Blues”

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by Ian Madison Keller,

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who who has won a Coyotl Award and two LEO Literary Awards,

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and his newest book is

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Ritual of the Ancients by Fanged Fiction and

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you can find more of his stories on his webpage.

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“Blind Date Blues”

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by Ian Madison Keller,

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Part 2 of 2 Sam waddled after him,

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cursing her short legs.

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The breeze carried her hat over the midway games and towards the river.

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Oscar galloped through the growing crowd,

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mooing loudly to clear himself a path.

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The hat fluttered over the last row of games,

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clearing the eight foot high chain-link fence

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that separated the festival from the river and walking path.

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Sam emerged from between two of the carnival games in time to see Oscar shaking scraps of chain-link from his horns.

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There was a hole torn in the fence where he'd charged right through it.

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Someone behind her called for security,

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and someone else for the police.

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"Oscar, stop! It's just a hat!"

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Sam yelled, but Oscar either didn't hear her

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or ignored her. The breeze had shifted to blow downriver,

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blowing the hat south above the sidewalk.

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A railing along one edge kept pedestrians from falling into the river,

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forty feet below.

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Roller skaters, bikers, and walkers were out in force today on the path,

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taking advantage of the perfect Portland summer day.

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The hat floated overtop their heads,

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oscillating gently in the breeze.

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Oscar charged after it,

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letting out a rumbling sound more like a bark than a moo.

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Heads turned and eyes widened as people saw the enraged bull charging towards them.

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A rabbit on a bicycle directly in Oscar's path

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let out a high pitched scream

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and jerked his bicycle to the side,

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causing him to crash into a nearby bench.

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He pitched head over heels into the grass.

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A skunk couple pushing a stroller with their backs to Oscar

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let out startled yelps at Oscar's bellow.

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The skunk mother lifted her tail at Oscar as he charged by and greenish yellow goo sprayed out,

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splattering all over his right side.

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Oscar didn't even seem to notice or slow down,

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but the rest of the animals on the trail fell back gagging and retching.

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The breeze carried the scent away from Sam, for which

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she was grateful.

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Beavers were not fast or graceful on land.

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Sam stopped running

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since she was never going to catch up with Oscar.

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She'd halted before she reached the skunk couple, but already her eyes were watering from the pungent stink.

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Not all the spray had hit Oscar.

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The sidewalk was going to need a thorough cleaning

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before people would be willing to use this path again.

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By now most of the pedestrians had fled.

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In the distance Oscar still chased after her recalcitrant straw hat.

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He was fast, but the breeze was faster and the hat was dancing about in the air a finger's length

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out of Oscar's reach,

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despite his impressive jumps.

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The hat fluttered to the side

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and drifted lower.

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Oscar saw his chance,

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lowering his head and pumping his legs

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as he prepared to make another running jump. "Oscar, no!" Sam cried,

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able to anticipate what would happen.

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Oscar's leg's bunched

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and he bounded up, high into the air.

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His hooved hand closed over the rim of the hat just as he cleared the railing.

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An expression of comical surprise crossed his face

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as he plummeted out of her field of view.

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Sam cursed and darted for the railing.

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The bars were far enough apart here

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that she was able to squeeze between them, rather than having to waste time climbing over.

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Oscar had fallen in a ways downriver of her,

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and the rushing water would quickly sweep him downstream.

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She didn't know if he could swim or not,

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but there was no time to wait to find out.

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Out of the corner of her eye she spotted Theo

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and the porcupine officer coming up behind her.

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"The longhorn I was with earlier fell into the river.

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Call for help," Sam yelled at them.

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She turned and dove into the water without waiting to hear their reply.

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She was much faster in the water than on land.

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She pointed herself downriver

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and shot through the water as fast as she could swim.

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The river was murky and visibility was down to only a yard around her.

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She never thought she'd be grateful for the nauseating odor of skunk spray,

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but the stench was bad enough that it overpowered the rest of the river scents.

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She followed her nose

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until she spotted him.

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Oscar was actually swimming rather well,

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paddling his arms and legs to keep his head above water.

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He fought against the current towards the shore without much success.

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Not that it would matter much if he got there;

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at this point there was still a sheer wall with no way out of the water.

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Sam surfaced and swam over to him.

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"We can't get out here, we have to go further down,"

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she called at his back.

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"Past the Hawthorne Bridge.

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Bridge." Oscar didn't even turn her direction

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and she cursed herself.

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Of course he wouldn't know which bridge she meant.

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"See the bridge downstream?" she yelled, splashing water at Oscar's face to get his attention.

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"We need to swim under it to get to a beach."

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"No," Oscar grunted,

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responding to her at last.

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"Ladder." Sam followed his gaze, squinting against the spray.

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A series of darker gray lines stood out against the gray of the cinderblock waterfront.

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She looked between the ladder and Oscar, calculating.

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He wasn't going to make it to the ladder at his current rate of progress;

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he'd be too far downstream,

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and he wasn't a strong enough swimmer to make any headway against the current.

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There was nothing for it,

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she'd have to help him.

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She spared a second to think about the best way to accomplish that.

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Maybe if she swam up to him at an angle, pushing against his back?

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"Here, I'll help push you, otherwise you aren't going to make it," Sam said, already swimming towards him.

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"I don't need your help,"

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he grumbled, but didn't object when Sam's paws hit his back.

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Together they managed to make it to the ladder.

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Oscar got a hooved hand around the bottom rung.

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He got one elbow up over the rung and hung there, panting hard.

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Sam treaded water at his side.

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"Do you need me to help boost you up?" Sam asked.

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She really wanted to swim away;

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the skunk odor was almost overwhelming this close, but Oscar looked exhausted

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and she didn't dare leave him here.

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Muted sirens came from somewhere up above.

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Oscar swallowed and lifted his other hand out of the water.

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Clutched in his fingers

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was her straw hat.

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"I retrieved your,"

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he gasped. "Your hat.

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hat." Sam couldn't help it,

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she laughed. "Thank you.

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you." She took it and perched the soggy thing on her head.

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She was sure she looked as bedraggled as Oscar,

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but it was the thought that counted.

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This wasn't really the time or the place to have this talk,

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but it would give Oscar a chance to rest and recover for the climb up.

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"I appreciate it, I do,

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and you seem like a sweet guy Oscar, but you're trying too hard.

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hard." Oscar seemed to deflate,

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slumping down over the rung and hunching his shoulders.

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"I really like you.

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You're a tough-as-nails cop,

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and I'm," he kicked a hoof into the cinderblocks.

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"I wanted to impress you."

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"By acting like a tough guy?"

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Oscar nodded. She only now noticed that he'd lost his cowboy hat at some point.

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He looked better without half his face hidden in shadow.

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But, something seemed different.

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She squinted at him as she tried to pinpoint what.

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Sam sighed. "I liked you online because you weren't like the other guys.

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You were funny and sensitive, and,"

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she paused. "Wasn't your fur all tan before?"

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It still was, mostly,

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except for a misshaped patch of white around one eye

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and a white triangle in the middle of his forehead.

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She'd only ever seen that mark on horses before, but the way he deflated further made her hold her tongue on commenting on that fact.

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"I guess that batch wasn't as waterproof as I thought,"

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he muttered, mostly to himself.

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"Batch?" She was thoroughly confused now.

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"Hey, Detective Digger!"

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The yells came from above.

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Sam craned her head back.

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A brown, round head poked out above the ladder.

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She couldn't make out features, but she recognized the Otter's voice.

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"Theo!" She yelled back.

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"Stay up there, we're on our way up.

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up." She turned to Oscar.

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"Perhaps we should finish this discussion once we are back up on dry land.

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land." He grimaced and snorted.

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"If you insist." With a grunt of effort he grasped the ladder

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and pulled himself up to get his hooves on the lowest rung.

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When he was a few feet up Sam started up after him.

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The water dripping down on her from Oscar stunk of skunk.

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She grimaced as they hit.

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She was going to have a nice long tomato juice bath when she got home.

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Halfway up, Oscar's exhaustion became evident.

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Even from below she could see the tremor in his arms and legs.

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"You can do it," Sam called up.

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She yelled encouragement to him for the remainder of the climb.

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By the time she pulled herself up over the top of the ladder

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Oscar was sitting on the sidewalk, wrapped up in a shiny thermal blanket.

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A fluffy, white, flat-faced Persian Cat EMT was shining a light into the shivering Oscar's eyes and asking him questions.

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Theo, along with the Porcupine officer, and two more EMTs,

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a Human and an Opossum,

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stood well back from Oscar.

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All held their hands or paws over their noses.

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She guessed the cat must have drawn the short straw,

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or maybe he'd volunteered.

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She'd heard those flat muzzled animals sometimes had a poor sense of smell.

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Theo let out a squeak of relief as Sam climbed onto the sidewalk.

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She flopped out on her back,

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enjoying the warm sun on her fur.

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Theo and the human EMT approached her.

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The human shook out a thermal blanket,

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but Sam held up a paw and pushed it back at her.

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"I don't need it. My fur kept me warm,"

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Sam said. She was interrupted as Theo flung his arms around her.

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He gave her a quick hug, before wrinkling his muzzle and jumping back.

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"You reek," he told her, covering his nose with both paws.

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"Thanks for noticing,"

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she responded dryly.

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She pushed herself to her feet and waddled over towards Oscar.

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Theo and the human EMT hung back,

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unwilling to get closer.

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Oscar looked miserable.

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He was shivering under the thermal blanket,

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and his fur was plastered down,

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making the white patches even more noticeable.

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At Sam's approach

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he hunched his shoulders, pulling the blanket tighter around him.

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Waves of stink rolled off him, so strong she almost imagined she could see them.

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A glance at the cat EMT's serene expression told her that her guess about him lacking a sense of smell

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had probably been correct.

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"How is he?" Sam asked, addressing the cat.

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"Chilled, but he isn't hypothermic, at least.

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least." The cat straightened up to address both Sam and Oscar.

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"He's still in danger of catching pneumonia if he breathed in any of the water when he fell in."

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"Does he need to go to the hospital?"

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The cat rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

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"We can take him if he wants to go -

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we could warm him up a lot faster there - but it isn't strictly necessary, no."

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"No hospital," Oscar said through chattering teeth.

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The cat shrugged.

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"Fine by me. You can keep the blanket.

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blanket." He turned away and together the three EMTs trudged off across the grass to the ambulance parked on the nearby street.

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"Sam," Theo called. Sam turned to look in his direction.

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He'd lifted a paw from his nose and was gesturing to her.

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Sam looked down at Oscar.

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"Wait here, I'll be right back.

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back." Oscar sighed and nodded,

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resignation in his eyes.

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Good enough for her.

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She waddled over to Theo and the Porcupine.

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The Porcupine officer held up a yellow ticket book.

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"Will you have the cow fill this out and bring it back?"

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She wrinkled her nose and shuddered,

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making all her quills clatter together.

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"I tried to go over and present it myself, but, goddess help me, the smell...

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smell..." Sam sighed and took the proffered book.

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"He's a guy, so he's a bull, not a cow," she told the Porcupine,

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who shrugged. The top form was filled out with a ticket for reckless behavior and vandalism.

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Sam carried the book over

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and waited while Oscar entered his information into the form.

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When he was done she returned the book to the Porcupine officer.

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Job done, Theo and the Porcupine took off,

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Theo offering her a little wave as they left, and Sam returned to Oscar.

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Pedestrian traffic had resumed on the waterfront,

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but Oscar's smell meant that everyone gave them a wide berth,

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leaving a clear space in a wide circle around them.

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Sam relaxed back on her tail

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and crossed her arms as she regarded the bull.

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"You make a horrible tough guy,"

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she said at last.

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Oscar boomed out a laugh and shook his horned head.

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"I know." "You were so sweet online.

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That was what I liked about you.

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So, why'd you'd think that act would impress me?

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Plus," she gestured to his face,

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"why the fur make-up?

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And why so evasive about your job?"

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"Truthfully? Back home the cows all kept telling me to be more of man.

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I came to Portland to get a fresh start, to get away from all that.

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that." A massive sneeze shook his body.

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"Excuse me. Anyway, when you said you wanted to meet in person, I panicked.

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I remembered the cows and that you were a cop.

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I didn't want to disappoint you, too.

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too." He fell silent. Sam waited a moment for him to begin speaking again.

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When he didn't she prompted,

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"and the rest?" "It's embarrassing.

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This," he ran a hooved finger up his nose to touch the white triangle.

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"Is a horse marking, not a cattle one.

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I used to get teased about it relentlessly until I started covering it up.

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"Buying fur dye was how I discovered my love for make-up,"

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he batted his eyes at her.

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His lashes were longer and thicker than most cows she'd seen

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and she finally put together why.

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"You have on mascara, too?"

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Sam blinked. He chuckled,

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a low rumble that vibrated in Sam's chest pleasantly.

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He had a nice laugh.

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"Yeah, the water-proofing on that, at least, worked as I intended."

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"'As you intended' makes it sound like you made it yourself.

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yourself." Sam couldn't help but smile back at him.

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He glanced away. "I did. It's a test batch.

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I, uh, didn't lie when I said I was a lab tech.

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I helped start Swimming Beautiful."

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"The local fur cosmetics company?"

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Sam said. They were the brainchild of Portland's hottest new breakout entrepreneur.

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"Yeah," he was still talking to the ground, occasionally glancing at her with his big brown eyes.

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"Specializing in products for Aquatics."

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"But," Sam protested,

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"that company was started by a Nutria.

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Nutria." Oscar brightened.

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"Yeah, she runs the business side of the things, the marketing and the like, and I design the product formulas.

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I got my degree in Cosmetic Chemistry. She approached

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me before graduation.

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I wrote my Ph.D thesis on ways to waterproof fur makeup, since I was frustrated when mine kept getting washed away during my work on the farm."

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"That's amazing." Sam smiled at his obvious enthusiasm about makeup.

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"You don't mind?" He was staring at her wide eyed now.

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"Why would I? Honestly, right now you're impressing me far more than your antics earlier at the Shooting Gallery and the Strongman Game,"

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Sam said. Here was the bull she'd been chatting with online,

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who was sensitive, smart, and enthusiastic.

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Oscar grimaced and looked down at his sodden and bedraggled self, clothing splattered with green skunk spray.

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"I really messed that date up, huh?"

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"Just a tad." Sam straightened, putting her paws on her hips.

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"I happen to have tomorrow off work, too,

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so I expect you to pick me up tomorrow afternoon for a first date-do-over.

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-over." Oscar's smile could have been seen from the moon it was so bright.

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"But," she held up a paw.

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"There is one condition.

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condition." His smile dimmed,

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but he looked more amused than anything.

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"What's that?" "No carnivals!"

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Sam slapped her tail forcefully on the sidewalk to make her point.

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This was the second of 2 parts of

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“Blind Date Blues” by Ian Madison Keller,

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read for you by Khaki,

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your faithful fireside companion.

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As always, you can find more stories on the web at thevoice.dog,

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or find the show wherever you get your podcasts.

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Thank you for listening

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to The Voice of Dog

About the Podcast

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The Voice of Dog
Furry stories to warm the ol' cockles, read by Rob MacWolf and guests. If you have a story that would suit the show, you can get in touch with @VoiceOfDog@meow.social on Mastodon, @voiceofdog.bsky.social on Blue Sky, or @Theodwulf on Telegram.

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