full
“Blind Date Blues” by Ian Madison Keller (2 of 2)
Sam the Beaver’s date with Oscar is going badly, as he tries too hard to be manly at the carnival games. Then she loses her hat to the wind, and he chases after it over her objections.
Today’s story is the first of two parts of “Blind Date Blues” by Ian Madison Keller, who who has won a Coyotl Award and two LEO Literary Awards, and his newest book is Ritual of the Ancients by Fanged Fiction and you can find more of his stories on his webpage.
Read for you by Khaki, your faithful fireside companion.
Transcript
You’re listening to The Voice of Dog.
Speaker:I’m Khaki, your faithful fireside companion,
Speaker:and Today’s story is the second of two parts of
Speaker:“Blind Date Blues”
Speaker:by Ian Madison Keller,
Speaker:who who has won a Coyotl Award and two LEO Literary Awards,
Speaker:and his newest book is
Speaker:Ritual of the Ancients by Fanged Fiction and
Speaker:you can find more of his stories on his webpage.
Please enjoy:“Blind Date Blues”
Please enjoy:by Ian Madison Keller,
Please enjoy:Part 2 of 2 Sam waddled after him,
Please enjoy:cursing her short legs.
Please enjoy:The breeze carried her hat over the midway games and towards the river.
Please enjoy:Oscar galloped through the growing crowd,
Please enjoy:mooing loudly to clear himself a path.
Please enjoy:The hat fluttered over the last row of games,
Please enjoy:clearing the eight foot high chain-link fence
Please enjoy:that separated the festival from the river and walking path.
Please enjoy:Sam emerged from between two of the carnival games in time to see Oscar shaking scraps of chain-link from his horns.
Please enjoy:There was a hole torn in the fence where he'd charged right through it.
Please enjoy:Someone behind her called for security,
Please enjoy:and someone else for the police.
Please enjoy:"Oscar, stop! It's just a hat!"
Please enjoy:Sam yelled, but Oscar either didn't hear her
Please enjoy:or ignored her. The breeze had shifted to blow downriver,
Please enjoy:blowing the hat south above the sidewalk.
Please enjoy:A railing along one edge kept pedestrians from falling into the river,
Please enjoy:forty feet below.
Please enjoy:Roller skaters, bikers, and walkers were out in force today on the path,
Please enjoy:taking advantage of the perfect Portland summer day.
Please enjoy:The hat floated overtop their heads,
Please enjoy:oscillating gently in the breeze.
Please enjoy:Oscar charged after it,
Please enjoy:letting out a rumbling sound more like a bark than a moo.
Please enjoy:Heads turned and eyes widened as people saw the enraged bull charging towards them.
Please enjoy:A rabbit on a bicycle directly in Oscar's path
Please enjoy:let out a high pitched scream
Please enjoy:and jerked his bicycle to the side,
Please enjoy:causing him to crash into a nearby bench.
Please enjoy:He pitched head over heels into the grass.
Please enjoy:A skunk couple pushing a stroller with their backs to Oscar
Please enjoy:let out startled yelps at Oscar's bellow.
Please enjoy:The skunk mother lifted her tail at Oscar as he charged by and greenish yellow goo sprayed out,
Please enjoy:splattering all over his right side.
Please enjoy:Oscar didn't even seem to notice or slow down,
Please enjoy:but the rest of the animals on the trail fell back gagging and retching.
Please enjoy:The breeze carried the scent away from Sam, for which
Please enjoy:she was grateful.
Please enjoy:Beavers were not fast or graceful on land.
Please enjoy:Sam stopped running
Please enjoy:since she was never going to catch up with Oscar.
Please enjoy:She'd halted before she reached the skunk couple, but already her eyes were watering from the pungent stink.
Please enjoy:Not all the spray had hit Oscar.
Please enjoy:The sidewalk was going to need a thorough cleaning
Please enjoy:before people would be willing to use this path again.
Please enjoy:By now most of the pedestrians had fled.
Please enjoy:In the distance Oscar still chased after her recalcitrant straw hat.
Please enjoy:He was fast, but the breeze was faster and the hat was dancing about in the air a finger's length
Please enjoy:out of Oscar's reach,
Please enjoy:despite his impressive jumps.
Please enjoy:The hat fluttered to the side
Please enjoy:and drifted lower.
Please enjoy:Oscar saw his chance,
Please enjoy:lowering his head and pumping his legs
Please enjoy:as he prepared to make another running jump. "Oscar, no!" Sam cried,
Please enjoy:able to anticipate what would happen.
Please enjoy:Oscar's leg's bunched
Please enjoy:and he bounded up, high into the air.
Please enjoy:His hooved hand closed over the rim of the hat just as he cleared the railing.
Please enjoy:An expression of comical surprise crossed his face
Please enjoy:as he plummeted out of her field of view.
Please enjoy:Sam cursed and darted for the railing.
Please enjoy:The bars were far enough apart here
Please enjoy:that she was able to squeeze between them, rather than having to waste time climbing over.
Please enjoy:Oscar had fallen in a ways downriver of her,
Please enjoy:and the rushing water would quickly sweep him downstream.
Please enjoy:She didn't know if he could swim or not,
Please enjoy:but there was no time to wait to find out.
Please enjoy:Out of the corner of her eye she spotted Theo
Please enjoy:and the porcupine officer coming up behind her.
Please enjoy:"The longhorn I was with earlier fell into the river.
Please enjoy:Call for help," Sam yelled at them.
Please enjoy:She turned and dove into the water without waiting to hear their reply.
Please enjoy:She was much faster in the water than on land.
Please enjoy:She pointed herself downriver
Please enjoy:and shot through the water as fast as she could swim.
Please enjoy:The river was murky and visibility was down to only a yard around her.
Please enjoy:She never thought she'd be grateful for the nauseating odor of skunk spray,
Please enjoy:but the stench was bad enough that it overpowered the rest of the river scents.
Please enjoy:She followed her nose
Please enjoy:until she spotted him.
Please enjoy:Oscar was actually swimming rather well,
Please enjoy:paddling his arms and legs to keep his head above water.
Please enjoy:He fought against the current towards the shore without much success.
Please enjoy:Not that it would matter much if he got there;
Please enjoy:at this point there was still a sheer wall with no way out of the water.
Please enjoy:Sam surfaced and swam over to him.
Please enjoy:"We can't get out here, we have to go further down,"
Please enjoy:she called at his back.
Please enjoy:"Past the Hawthorne Bridge.
Please enjoy:Bridge." Oscar didn't even turn her direction
Please enjoy:and she cursed herself.
Please enjoy:Of course he wouldn't know which bridge she meant.
Please enjoy:"See the bridge downstream?" she yelled, splashing water at Oscar's face to get his attention.
Please enjoy:"We need to swim under it to get to a beach."
Please enjoy:"No," Oscar grunted,
Please enjoy:responding to her at last.
Please enjoy:"Ladder." Sam followed his gaze, squinting against the spray.
Please enjoy:A series of darker gray lines stood out against the gray of the cinderblock waterfront.
Please enjoy:She looked between the ladder and Oscar, calculating.
Please enjoy:He wasn't going to make it to the ladder at his current rate of progress;
Please enjoy:he'd be too far downstream,
Please enjoy:and he wasn't a strong enough swimmer to make any headway against the current.
Please enjoy:There was nothing for it,
Please enjoy:she'd have to help him.
Please enjoy:She spared a second to think about the best way to accomplish that.
Please enjoy:Maybe if she swam up to him at an angle, pushing against his back?
Please enjoy:"Here, I'll help push you, otherwise you aren't going to make it," Sam said, already swimming towards him.
Please enjoy:"I don't need your help,"
Please enjoy:he grumbled, but didn't object when Sam's paws hit his back.
Please enjoy:Together they managed to make it to the ladder.
Please enjoy:Oscar got a hooved hand around the bottom rung.
Please enjoy:He got one elbow up over the rung and hung there, panting hard.
Please enjoy:Sam treaded water at his side.
Please enjoy:"Do you need me to help boost you up?" Sam asked.
Please enjoy:She really wanted to swim away;
Please enjoy:the skunk odor was almost overwhelming this close, but Oscar looked exhausted
Please enjoy:and she didn't dare leave him here.
Please enjoy:Muted sirens came from somewhere up above.
Please enjoy:Oscar swallowed and lifted his other hand out of the water.
Please enjoy:Clutched in his fingers
Please enjoy:was her straw hat.
Please enjoy:"I retrieved your,"
Please enjoy:he gasped. "Your hat.
Please enjoy:hat." Sam couldn't help it,
Please enjoy:she laughed. "Thank you.
Please enjoy:you." She took it and perched the soggy thing on her head.
Please enjoy:She was sure she looked as bedraggled as Oscar,
Please enjoy:but it was the thought that counted.
Please enjoy:This wasn't really the time or the place to have this talk,
Please enjoy:but it would give Oscar a chance to rest and recover for the climb up.
Please enjoy:"I appreciate it, I do,
Please enjoy:and you seem like a sweet guy Oscar, but you're trying too hard.
Please enjoy:hard." Oscar seemed to deflate,
Please enjoy:slumping down over the rung and hunching his shoulders.
Please enjoy:"I really like you.
Please enjoy:You're a tough-as-nails cop,
Please enjoy:and I'm," he kicked a hoof into the cinderblocks.
Please enjoy:"I wanted to impress you."
Please enjoy:"By acting like a tough guy?"
Please enjoy:Oscar nodded. She only now noticed that he'd lost his cowboy hat at some point.
Please enjoy:He looked better without half his face hidden in shadow.
Please enjoy:But, something seemed different.
Please enjoy:She squinted at him as she tried to pinpoint what.
Please enjoy:Sam sighed. "I liked you online because you weren't like the other guys.
Please enjoy:You were funny and sensitive, and,"
Please enjoy:she paused. "Wasn't your fur all tan before?"
Please enjoy:It still was, mostly,
Please enjoy:except for a misshaped patch of white around one eye
Please enjoy:and a white triangle in the middle of his forehead.
Please enjoy:She'd only ever seen that mark on horses before, but the way he deflated further made her hold her tongue on commenting on that fact.
Please enjoy:"I guess that batch wasn't as waterproof as I thought,"
Please enjoy:he muttered, mostly to himself.
Please enjoy:"Batch?" She was thoroughly confused now.
Please enjoy:"Hey, Detective Digger!"
Please enjoy:The yells came from above.
Please enjoy:Sam craned her head back.
Please enjoy:A brown, round head poked out above the ladder.
Please enjoy:She couldn't make out features, but she recognized the Otter's voice.
Please enjoy:"Theo!" She yelled back.
Please enjoy:"Stay up there, we're on our way up.
Please enjoy:up." She turned to Oscar.
Please enjoy:"Perhaps we should finish this discussion once we are back up on dry land.
Please enjoy:land." He grimaced and snorted.
Please enjoy:"If you insist." With a grunt of effort he grasped the ladder
Please enjoy:and pulled himself up to get his hooves on the lowest rung.
Please enjoy:When he was a few feet up Sam started up after him.
Please enjoy:The water dripping down on her from Oscar stunk of skunk.
Please enjoy:She grimaced as they hit.
Please enjoy:She was going to have a nice long tomato juice bath when she got home.
Please enjoy:Halfway up, Oscar's exhaustion became evident.
Please enjoy:Even from below she could see the tremor in his arms and legs.
Please enjoy:"You can do it," Sam called up.
Please enjoy:She yelled encouragement to him for the remainder of the climb.
Please enjoy:By the time she pulled herself up over the top of the ladder
Please enjoy:Oscar was sitting on the sidewalk, wrapped up in a shiny thermal blanket.
Please enjoy:A fluffy, white, flat-faced Persian Cat EMT was shining a light into the shivering Oscar's eyes and asking him questions.
Please enjoy:Theo, along with the Porcupine officer, and two more EMTs,
Please enjoy:a Human and an Opossum,
Please enjoy:stood well back from Oscar.
Please enjoy:All held their hands or paws over their noses.
Please enjoy:She guessed the cat must have drawn the short straw,
Please enjoy:or maybe he'd volunteered.
Please enjoy:She'd heard those flat muzzled animals sometimes had a poor sense of smell.
Please enjoy:Theo let out a squeak of relief as Sam climbed onto the sidewalk.
Please enjoy:She flopped out on her back,
Please enjoy:enjoying the warm sun on her fur.
Please enjoy:Theo and the human EMT approached her.
Please enjoy:The human shook out a thermal blanket,
Please enjoy:but Sam held up a paw and pushed it back at her.
Please enjoy:"I don't need it. My fur kept me warm,"
Please enjoy:Sam said. She was interrupted as Theo flung his arms around her.
Please enjoy:He gave her a quick hug, before wrinkling his muzzle and jumping back.
Please enjoy:"You reek," he told her, covering his nose with both paws.
Please enjoy:"Thanks for noticing,"
Please enjoy:she responded dryly.
Please enjoy:She pushed herself to her feet and waddled over towards Oscar.
Please enjoy:Theo and the human EMT hung back,
Please enjoy:unwilling to get closer.
Please enjoy:Oscar looked miserable.
Please enjoy:He was shivering under the thermal blanket,
Please enjoy:and his fur was plastered down,
Please enjoy:making the white patches even more noticeable.
Please enjoy:At Sam's approach
Please enjoy:he hunched his shoulders, pulling the blanket tighter around him.
Please enjoy:Waves of stink rolled off him, so strong she almost imagined she could see them.
Please enjoy:A glance at the cat EMT's serene expression told her that her guess about him lacking a sense of smell
Please enjoy:had probably been correct.
Please enjoy:"How is he?" Sam asked, addressing the cat.
Please enjoy:"Chilled, but he isn't hypothermic, at least.
Please enjoy:least." The cat straightened up to address both Sam and Oscar.
Please enjoy:"He's still in danger of catching pneumonia if he breathed in any of the water when he fell in."
Please enjoy:"Does he need to go to the hospital?"
Please enjoy:The cat rubbed his chin thoughtfully.
Please enjoy:"We can take him if he wants to go -
Please enjoy:we could warm him up a lot faster there - but it isn't strictly necessary, no."
Please enjoy:"No hospital," Oscar said through chattering teeth.
Please enjoy:The cat shrugged.
Please enjoy:"Fine by me. You can keep the blanket.
Please enjoy:blanket." He turned away and together the three EMTs trudged off across the grass to the ambulance parked on the nearby street.
Please enjoy:"Sam," Theo called. Sam turned to look in his direction.
Please enjoy:He'd lifted a paw from his nose and was gesturing to her.
Please enjoy:Sam looked down at Oscar.
Please enjoy:"Wait here, I'll be right back.
Please enjoy:back." Oscar sighed and nodded,
Please enjoy:resignation in his eyes.
Please enjoy:Good enough for her.
Please enjoy:She waddled over to Theo and the Porcupine.
Please enjoy:The Porcupine officer held up a yellow ticket book.
Please enjoy:"Will you have the cow fill this out and bring it back?"
Please enjoy:She wrinkled her nose and shuddered,
Please enjoy:making all her quills clatter together.
Please enjoy:"I tried to go over and present it myself, but, goddess help me, the smell...
Please enjoy:smell..." Sam sighed and took the proffered book.
Please enjoy:"He's a guy, so he's a bull, not a cow," she told the Porcupine,
Please enjoy:who shrugged. The top form was filled out with a ticket for reckless behavior and vandalism.
Please enjoy:Sam carried the book over
Please enjoy:and waited while Oscar entered his information into the form.
Please enjoy:When he was done she returned the book to the Porcupine officer.
Please enjoy:Job done, Theo and the Porcupine took off,
Please enjoy:Theo offering her a little wave as they left, and Sam returned to Oscar.
Please enjoy:Pedestrian traffic had resumed on the waterfront,
Please enjoy:but Oscar's smell meant that everyone gave them a wide berth,
Please enjoy:leaving a clear space in a wide circle around them.
Please enjoy:Sam relaxed back on her tail
Please enjoy:and crossed her arms as she regarded the bull.
Please enjoy:"You make a horrible tough guy,"
Please enjoy:she said at last.
Please enjoy:Oscar boomed out a laugh and shook his horned head.
Please enjoy:"I know." "You were so sweet online.
Please enjoy:That was what I liked about you.
Please enjoy:So, why'd you'd think that act would impress me?
Please enjoy:Plus," she gestured to his face,
Please enjoy:"why the fur make-up?
Please enjoy:And why so evasive about your job?"
Please enjoy:"Truthfully? Back home the cows all kept telling me to be more of man.
Please enjoy:I came to Portland to get a fresh start, to get away from all that.
Please enjoy:that." A massive sneeze shook his body.
Please enjoy:"Excuse me. Anyway, when you said you wanted to meet in person, I panicked.
Please enjoy:I remembered the cows and that you were a cop.
Please enjoy:I didn't want to disappoint you, too.
Please enjoy:too." He fell silent. Sam waited a moment for him to begin speaking again.
Please enjoy:When he didn't she prompted,
Please enjoy:"and the rest?" "It's embarrassing.
Please enjoy:This," he ran a hooved finger up his nose to touch the white triangle.
Please enjoy:"Is a horse marking, not a cattle one.
Please enjoy:I used to get teased about it relentlessly until I started covering it up.
Please enjoy:"Buying fur dye was how I discovered my love for make-up,"
Please enjoy:he batted his eyes at her.
Please enjoy:His lashes were longer and thicker than most cows she'd seen
Please enjoy:and she finally put together why.
Please enjoy:"You have on mascara, too?"
Please enjoy:Sam blinked. He chuckled,
Please enjoy:a low rumble that vibrated in Sam's chest pleasantly.
Please enjoy:He had a nice laugh.
Please enjoy:"Yeah, the water-proofing on that, at least, worked as I intended."
Please enjoy:"'As you intended' makes it sound like you made it yourself.
Please enjoy:yourself." Sam couldn't help but smile back at him.
Please enjoy:He glanced away. "I did. It's a test batch.
Please enjoy:I, uh, didn't lie when I said I was a lab tech.
Please enjoy:I helped start Swimming Beautiful."
Please enjoy:"The local fur cosmetics company?"
Please enjoy:Sam said. They were the brainchild of Portland's hottest new breakout entrepreneur.
Please enjoy:"Yeah," he was still talking to the ground, occasionally glancing at her with his big brown eyes.
Please enjoy:"Specializing in products for Aquatics."
Please enjoy:"But," Sam protested,
Please enjoy:"that company was started by a Nutria.
Please enjoy:Nutria." Oscar brightened.
Please enjoy:"Yeah, she runs the business side of the things, the marketing and the like, and I design the product formulas.
Please enjoy:I got my degree in Cosmetic Chemistry. She approached
Please enjoy:me before graduation.
Please enjoy:I wrote my Ph.D thesis on ways to waterproof fur makeup, since I was frustrated when mine kept getting washed away during my work on the farm."
Please enjoy:"That's amazing." Sam smiled at his obvious enthusiasm about makeup.
Please enjoy:"You don't mind?" He was staring at her wide eyed now.
Please enjoy:"Why would I? Honestly, right now you're impressing me far more than your antics earlier at the Shooting Gallery and the Strongman Game,"
Please enjoy:Sam said. Here was the bull she'd been chatting with online,
Please enjoy:who was sensitive, smart, and enthusiastic.
Please enjoy:Oscar grimaced and looked down at his sodden and bedraggled self, clothing splattered with green skunk spray.
Please enjoy:"I really messed that date up, huh?"
Please enjoy:"Just a tad." Sam straightened, putting her paws on her hips.
Please enjoy:"I happen to have tomorrow off work, too,
Please enjoy:so I expect you to pick me up tomorrow afternoon for a first date-do-over.
Please enjoy:-over." Oscar's smile could have been seen from the moon it was so bright.
Please enjoy:"But," she held up a paw.
Please enjoy:"There is one condition.
Please enjoy:condition." His smile dimmed,
Please enjoy:but he looked more amused than anything.
Please enjoy:"What's that?" "No carnivals!"
Please enjoy:Sam slapped her tail forcefully on the sidewalk to make her point.
Please enjoy:This was the second of 2 parts of
Please enjoy:“Blind Date Blues” by Ian Madison Keller,
Please enjoy:read for you by Khaki,
Please enjoy:your faithful fireside companion.
Please enjoy:As always, you can find more stories on the web at thevoice.dog,
Please enjoy:or find the show wherever you get your podcasts.
Please enjoy:Thank you for listening
Please enjoy:to The Voice of Dog