“Blind Date Blues” by Ian Madison Keller (2 of 2)

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You’re listening to The Voice of Dog.

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I’m Khaki, your faithful fireside companion,

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and Today’s story is the second of two parts of

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“Blind Date Blues”

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by Ian Madison Keller,

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who who has won a Coyotl Award and two LEO Literary Awards,

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and his newest book is

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Ritual of the Ancients by Fanged Fiction and

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you can find more of his stories on his webpage.

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“Blind Date Blues”

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by Ian Madison Keller,

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Part 2 of 2 Sam waddled after him,

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cursing her short legs.

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The breeze carried her hat over the midway games and towards the river.

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Oscar galloped through the growing crowd,

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mooing loudly to clear himself a path.

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The hat fluttered over the last row of games,

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clearing the eight foot high chain-link fence

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that separated the festival from the river and walking path.

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Sam emerged from between two of the carnival games in time to see Oscar shaking scraps of chain-link from his horns.

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There was a hole torn in the fence where he'd charged right through it.

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Someone behind her called for security,

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and someone else for the police.

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"Oscar, stop! It's just a hat!"

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Sam yelled, but Oscar either didn't hear her

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or ignored her. The breeze had shifted to blow downriver,

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blowing the hat south above the sidewalk.

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A railing along one edge kept pedestrians from falling into the river,

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forty feet below.

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Roller skaters, bikers, and walkers were out in force today on the path,

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taking advantage of the perfect Portland summer day.

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The hat floated overtop their heads,

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oscillating gently in the breeze.

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Oscar charged after it,

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letting out a rumbling sound more like a bark than a moo.

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Heads turned and eyes widened as people saw the enraged bull charging towards them.

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A rabbit on a bicycle directly in Oscar's path

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let out a high pitched scream

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and jerked his bicycle to the side,

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causing him to crash into a nearby bench.

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He pitched head over heels into the grass.

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A skunk couple pushing a stroller with their backs to Oscar

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let out startled yelps at Oscar's bellow.

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The skunk mother lifted her tail at Oscar as he charged by and greenish yellow goo sprayed out,

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splattering all over his right side.

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Oscar didn't even seem to notice or slow down,

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but the rest of the animals on the trail fell back gagging and retching.

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The breeze carried the scent away from Sam, for which

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she was grateful.

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Beavers were not fast or graceful on land.

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Sam stopped running

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since she was never going to catch up with Oscar.

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She'd halted before she reached the skunk couple, but already her eyes were watering from the pungent stink.

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Not all the spray had hit Oscar.

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The sidewalk was going to need a thorough cleaning

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before people would be willing to use this path again.

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By now most of the pedestrians had fled.

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In the distance Oscar still chased after her recalcitrant straw hat.

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He was fast, but the breeze was faster and the hat was dancing about in the air a finger's length

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out of Oscar's reach,

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despite his impressive jumps.

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The hat fluttered to the side

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and drifted lower.

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Oscar saw his chance,

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lowering his head and pumping his legs

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as he prepared to make another running jump. "Oscar, no!" Sam cried,

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able to anticipate what would happen.

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Oscar's leg's bunched

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and he bounded up, high into the air.

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His hooved hand closed over the rim of the hat just as he cleared the railing.

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An expression of comical surprise crossed his face

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as he plummeted out of her field of view.

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Sam cursed and darted for the railing.

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The bars were far enough apart here

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that she was able to squeeze between them, rather than having to waste time climbing over.

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Oscar had fallen in a ways downriver of her,

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and the rushing water would quickly sweep him downstream.

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She didn't know if he could swim or not,

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but there was no time to wait to find out.

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Out of the corner of her eye she spotted Theo

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and the porcupine officer coming up behind her.

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"The longhorn I was with earlier fell into the river.

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Call for help," Sam yelled at them.

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She turned and dove into the water without waiting to hear their reply.

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She was much faster in the water than on land.

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She pointed herself downriver

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and shot through the water as fast as she could swim.

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The river was murky and visibility was down to only a yard around her.

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She never thought she'd be grateful for the nauseating odor of skunk spray,

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but the stench was bad enough that it overpowered the rest of the river scents.

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She followed her nose

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until she spotted him.

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Oscar was actually swimming rather well,

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paddling his arms and legs to keep his head above water.

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He fought against the current towards the shore without much success.

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Not that it would matter much if he got there;

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at this point there was still a sheer wall with no way out of the water.

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Sam surfaced and swam over to him.

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"We can't get out here, we have to go further down,"

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she called at his back.

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"Past the Hawthorne Bridge.

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Bridge." Oscar didn't even turn her direction

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and she cursed herself.

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Of course he wouldn't know which bridge she meant.

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"See the bridge downstream?" she yelled, splashing water at Oscar's face to get his attention.

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"We need to swim under it to get to a beach."

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"No," Oscar grunted,

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responding to her at last.

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"Ladder." Sam followed his gaze, squinting against the spray.

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A series of darker gray lines stood out against the gray of the cinderblock waterfront.

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She looked between the ladder and Oscar, calculating.

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He wasn't going to make it to the ladder at his current rate of progress;

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he'd be too far downstream,

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and he wasn't a strong enough swimmer to make any headway against the current.

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There was nothing for it,

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she'd have to help him.

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She spared a second to think about the best way to accomplish that.

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Maybe if she swam up to him at an angle, pushing against his back?

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"Here, I'll help push you, otherwise you aren't going to make it," Sam said, already swimming towards him.

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"I don't need your help,"

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he grumbled, but didn't object when Sam's paws hit his back.

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Together they managed to make it to the ladder.

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Oscar got a hooved hand around the bottom rung.

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He got one elbow up over the rung and hung there, panting hard.

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Sam treaded water at his side.

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"Do you need me to help boost you up?" Sam asked.

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She really wanted to swim away;

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the skunk odor was almost overwhelming this close, but Oscar looked exhausted

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and she didn't dare leave him here.

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Muted sirens came from somewhere up above.

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Oscar swallowed and lifted his other hand out of the water.

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Clutched in his fingers

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was her straw hat.

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"I retrieved your,"

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he gasped. "Your hat.

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hat." Sam couldn't help it,

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she laughed. "Thank you.

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you." She took it and perched the soggy thing on her head.

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She was sure she looked as bedraggled as Oscar,

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but it was the thought that counted.

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This wasn't really the time or the place to have this talk,

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but it would give Oscar a chance to rest and recover for the climb up.

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"I appreciate it, I do,

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and you seem like a sweet guy Oscar, but you're trying too hard.

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hard." Oscar seemed to deflate,

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slumping down over the rung and hunching his shoulders.

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"I really like you.

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You're a tough-as-nails cop,

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and I'm," he kicked a hoof into the cinderblocks.

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"I wanted to impress you."

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"By acting like a tough guy?"

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Oscar nodded. She only now noticed that he'd lost his cowboy hat at some point.

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He looked better without half his face hidden in shadow.

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But, something seemed different.

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She squinted at him as she tried to pinpoint what.

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Sam sighed. "I liked you online because you weren't like the other guys.

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You were funny and sensitive, and,"

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she paused. "Wasn't your fur all tan before?"

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It still was, mostly,

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except for a misshaped patch of white around one eye

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and a white triangle in the middle of his forehead.

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She'd only ever seen that mark on horses before, but the way he deflated further made her hold her tongue on commenting on that fact.

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"I guess that batch wasn't as waterproof as I thought,"

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he muttered, mostly to himself.

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"Batch?" She was thoroughly confused now.

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"Hey, Detective Digger!"

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The yells came from above.

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Sam craned her head back.

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A brown, round head poked out above the ladder.

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She couldn't make out features, but she recognized the Otter's voice.

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"Theo!" She yelled back.

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"Stay up there, we're on our way up.

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up." She turned to Oscar.

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"Perhaps we should finish this discussion once we are back up on dry land.

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land." He grimaced and snorted.

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"If you insist." With a grunt of effort he grasped the ladder

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and pulled himself up to get his hooves on the lowest rung.

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When he was a few feet up Sam started up after him.

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The water dripping down on her from Oscar stunk of skunk.

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She grimaced as they hit.

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She was going to have a nice long tomato juice bath when she got home.

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Halfway up, Oscar's exhaustion became evident.

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Even from below she could see the tremor in his arms and legs.

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"You can do it," Sam called up.

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She yelled encouragement to him for the remainder of the climb.

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By the time she pulled herself up over the top of the ladder

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Oscar was sitting on the sidewalk, wrapped up in a shiny thermal blanket.

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A fluffy, white, flat-faced Persian Cat EMT was shining a light into the shivering Oscar's eyes and asking him questions.

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Theo, along with the Porcupine officer, and two more EMTs,

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a Human and an Opossum,

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stood well back from Oscar.

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All held their hands or paws over their noses.

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She guessed the cat must have drawn the short straw,

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or maybe he'd volunteered.

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She'd heard those flat muzzled animals sometimes had a poor sense of smell.

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Theo let out a squeak of relief as Sam climbed onto the sidewalk.

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She flopped out on her back,

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enjoying the warm sun on her fur.

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Theo and the human EMT approached her.

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The human shook out a thermal blanket,

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but Sam held up a paw and pushed it back at her.

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"I don't need it. My fur kept me warm,"

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Sam said. She was interrupted as Theo flung his arms around her.

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He gave her a quick hug, before wrinkling his muzzle and jumping back.

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"You reek," he told her, covering his nose with both paws.

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"Thanks for noticing,"

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she responded dryly.

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She pushed herself to her feet and waddled over towards Oscar.

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Theo and the human EMT hung back,

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unwilling to get closer.

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Oscar looked miserable.

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He was shivering under the thermal blanket,

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and his fur was plastered down,

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making the white patches even more noticeable.

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At Sam's approach

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he hunched his shoulders, pulling the blanket tighter around him.

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Waves of stink rolled off him, so strong she almost imagined she could see them.

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A glance at the cat EMT's serene expression told her that her guess about him lacking a sense of smell

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had probably been correct.

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"How is he?" Sam asked, addressing the cat.

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"Chilled, but he isn't hypothermic, at least.

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least." The cat straightened up to address both Sam and Oscar.

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"He's still in danger of catching pneumonia if he breathed in any of the water when he fell in."

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"Does he need to go to the hospital?"

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The cat rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

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"We can take him if he wants to go -

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we could warm him up a lot faster there - but it isn't strictly necessary, no."

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"No hospital," Oscar said through chattering teeth.

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The cat shrugged.

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"Fine by me. You can keep the blanket.

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blanket." He turned away and together the three EMTs trudged off across the grass to the ambulance parked on the nearby street.

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"Sam," Theo called. Sam turned to look in his direction.

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He'd lifted a paw from his nose and was gesturing to her.

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Sam looked down at Oscar.

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"Wait here, I'll be right back.

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back." Oscar sighed and nodded,

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resignation in his eyes.

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Good enough for her.

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She waddled over to Theo and the Porcupine.

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The Porcupine officer held up a yellow ticket book.

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"Will you have the cow fill this out and bring it back?"

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She wrinkled her nose and shuddered,

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making all her quills clatter together.

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"I tried to go over and present it myself, but, goddess help me, the smell...

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smell..." Sam sighed and took the proffered book.

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"He's a guy, so he's a bull, not a cow," she told the Porcupine,

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who shrugged. The top form was filled out with a ticket for reckless behavior and vandalism.

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Sam carried the book over

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and waited while Oscar entered his information into the form.

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When he was done she returned the book to the Porcupine officer.

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Job done, Theo and the Porcupine took off,

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Theo offering her a little wave as they left, and Sam returned to Oscar.

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Pedestrian traffic had resumed on the waterfront,

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but Oscar's smell meant that everyone gave them a wide berth,

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leaving a clear space in a wide circle around them.

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Sam relaxed back on her tail

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and crossed her arms as she regarded the bull.

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"You make a horrible tough guy,"

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she said at last.

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Oscar boomed out a laugh and shook his horned head.

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"I know." "You were so sweet online.

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That was what I liked about you.

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So, why'd you'd think that act would impress me?

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Plus," she gestured to his face,

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"why the fur make-up?

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And why so evasive about your job?"

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"Truthfully? Back home the cows all kept telling me to be more of man.

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I came to Portland to get a fresh start, to get away from all that.

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that." A massive sneeze shook his body.

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"Excuse me. Anyway, when you said you wanted to meet in person, I panicked.

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I remembered the cows and that you were a cop.

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I didn't want to disappoint you, too.

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too." He fell silent. Sam waited a moment for him to begin speaking again.

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When he didn't she prompted,

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"and the rest?" "It's embarrassing.

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This," he ran a hooved finger up his nose to touch the white triangle.

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"Is a horse marking, not a cattle one.

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I used to get teased about it relentlessly until I started covering it up.

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"Buying fur dye was how I discovered my love for make-up,"

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he batted his eyes at her.

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His lashes were longer and thicker than most cows she'd seen

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and she finally put together why.

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"You have on mascara, too?"

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Sam blinked. He chuckled,

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a low rumble that vibrated in Sam's chest pleasantly.

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He had a nice laugh.

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"Yeah, the water-proofing on that, at least, worked as I intended."

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"'As you intended' makes it sound like you made it yourself.

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yourself." Sam couldn't help but smile back at him.

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He glanced away. "I did. It's a test batch.

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I, uh, didn't lie when I said I was a lab tech.

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I helped start Swimming Beautiful."

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"The local fur cosmetics company?"

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Sam said. They were the brainchild of Portland's hottest new breakout entrepreneur.

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"Yeah," he was still talking to the ground, occasionally glancing at her with his big brown eyes.

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"Specializing in products for Aquatics."

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"But," Sam protested,

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"that company was started by a Nutria.

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Nutria." Oscar brightened.

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"Yeah, she runs the business side of the things, the marketing and the like, and I design the product formulas.

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I got my degree in Cosmetic Chemistry. She approached

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me before graduation.

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I wrote my Ph.D thesis on ways to waterproof fur makeup, since I was frustrated when mine kept getting washed away during my work on the farm."

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"That's amazing." Sam smiled at his obvious enthusiasm about makeup.

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"You don't mind?" He was staring at her wide eyed now.

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"Why would I? Honestly, right now you're impressing me far more than your antics earlier at the Shooting Gallery and the Strongman Game,"

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Sam said. Here was the bull she'd been chatting with online,

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who was sensitive, smart, and enthusiastic.

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Oscar grimaced and looked down at his sodden and bedraggled self, clothing splattered with green skunk spray.

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"I really messed that date up, huh?"

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"Just a tad." Sam straightened, putting her paws on her hips.

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"I happen to have tomorrow off work, too,

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so I expect you to pick me up tomorrow afternoon for a first date-do-over.

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-over." Oscar's smile could have been seen from the moon it was so bright.

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"But," she held up a paw.

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"There is one condition.

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condition." His smile dimmed,

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but he looked more amused than anything.

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"What's that?" "No carnivals!"

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Sam slapped her tail forcefully on the sidewalk to make her point.

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This was the second of 2 parts of

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“Blind Date Blues” by Ian Madison Keller,

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read for you by Khaki,

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your faithful fireside companion.

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As always, you can find more stories on the web at thevoice.dog,

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or find the show wherever you get your podcasts.

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Thank you for listening

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to The Voice of Dog