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“A Different Kind of Make-Believe” by Renee Carter Hall (part 1 of 2, Live)
Ricky Rex is a dinosaur hiding in plain sight on a children’s television show, but his biggest problem is his crush on his human co-star.
Today's story is read before a live audience at Anthrocon 2024.
Today’s story is the first of two parts of “A Different Kind of Make-Believe” by Renee Carter Hall, author of the Cóyotl-Award-winning fantasy Huntress, and you can find more of her stories on her Patreon.
Read for you by Rob MacWolf — werewolf hitchhiker.
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https://thevoice.dog/episode/a-different-kind-of-make-believe-by-renee-carter-hall-part-1-of-2-live
Transcript
You’re listening to The Voice of Dog.
Speaker:This is Rob MacWolf, your fellow traveler,
Speaker:and Today's story is being read
Speaker:before a live audience at Anthrocon 2024. Today’s story is the first of two parts of “A Different
Speaker:Kind of Make-Believe”
Speaker:by Renee Carter Hall,
Speaker:author of the Cóyotl-Award-winning fantasy Huntress,
Speaker:and you can find more of her stories on
Speaker:her Patreon. Please enjoy
Speaker:“A Different Kind of Make-Believe”
Speaker:by Renee Carter Hall,
Speaker:Part 1 of 2 “And when we share,”
Speaker:I finish, looking directly into the camera,
Speaker:“there’s always enough for everyone.”
Speaker:I hand an oversized pink cupcake to my triceratops friend Topsy,
Speaker:and then I take out the big remote control with its knobs and red joystick.
Speaker:“Well, kids, it’s time for me to send you back to your own time.
Speaker:But don’t worry. My trusty Rex Reverse-inator
Speaker:will bring you back soon for more adventures with me,
Speaker:Ricky Rex and the B.C. Club!
Speaker:See you in time!” I grin
Speaker:and wave with the other characters,
Speaker:doing the best I can with my stubby arms.
Speaker:The director calls cut,
Speaker:and that’s another show.
Speaker:Next to me, Katie immediately takes off the Topsy head,
Speaker:revealing a shock of spiky magenta hair.
Speaker:The costumers come over to help her out of the rest.
Speaker:Katie’s been performing as Topsy since day one.
Speaker:She’s a stocky five feet nothing,
Speaker:but with the way she carries herself, it wouldn’t surprise me if one day she runs away to join a motorcycle gang
Speaker:—or maybe to start one,
Speaker:complete with vegan leather jackets and bikes painted with flaming unicorn skulls.
Speaker:She’s the closest thing I have to a best friend, on set or off,
Speaker:and every day I wish I could be more like her.
Speaker:We head over to the craft table for water.
Speaker:Katie unscrews the cap on my water bottle, since I can’t manage it on my own.
Speaker:Of all the actors here,
Speaker:I’m the only one who isn’t wearing a costume.
Speaker:The scales, the teeth, the claws
Speaker:—all mine. Katie’s looking across the room,
Speaker:where Matt’s chatting with the director.
Speaker:“He got a haircut.”
Speaker:“I… hadn’t noticed.”
Speaker:Actually, I noticed from the moment he walked onto the set.
Speaker:His dark hair looks more artfully tousled than usual.
Speaker:He looks perfect,
Speaker:as usual. Katie’s eyeing me.
Speaker:“What?” I ask. “Nothing.”
Speaker:She takes a swig of her water.
Speaker:“Oh, look.” Matt’s heading our way.
Speaker:I turn back to Katie, but somehow
Speaker:she’s already gone.
Speaker:“Hey, Ricky! We’re found out.”
Speaker:I glance back at him, fear blossoming in the pit of my stomach.
Speaker:“What?” “Look what I saw on the newsstand this morning.”
Speaker:He gives me a little smile and holds up a newspaper.
Speaker:KIDDIE SHOW SHOCKER,
Speaker:the headline reads.
Speaker:RICKY REX IS A REAL DINOSAUR!
Speaker:I don’t know what my expression looks like,
Speaker:but Matt chuckles gently.
Speaker:“Relax. It’s just a tabloid.”
Speaker:“Oh. Yeah.” My heart slows down a little as he tosses the paper on the table.
Speaker:Matt pours himself a cup of black coffee.
Speaker:“It goes on to say that we feed you a hundred pounds of raw meat a day so you don’t eat any of the crew.”
Speaker:He quirks an eyebrow at me over the paper cup.
Speaker:“Although two interns have mysteriously disappeared.”
Speaker:My head is spinning,
Speaker:both from the news
Speaker:and from how close he’s standing.
Speaker:The faint silky spice of his cologne winds its way beneath the scent of the coffee.
Speaker:I try to think of something to say,
Speaker:to keep the joke going.
Speaker:“I don’t even like raw meat,” I say finally.
Speaker:(The producers tried feeding me some early on, thinking it was “natural” for me,
Speaker:but give me medium rare any day.)
Speaker:“Yeah, but you gotta admit,
Speaker:some of the crew would be pretty tasty.”
Speaker:He turns to survey the crew
Speaker:bustling around us and nods at one of the interns.
Speaker:“I mean, probably not Stewart; he’d be too stringy. You’d need, like, a slow cooker recipe for him.”
Speaker:I laugh in spite of myself.
Speaker:“Maybe Bailey?” “Maybe. She’s a vegetarian
Speaker:—would that be like grass-fed?
Speaker:Good marbling?” He taps a finger against his bearded chin.
Speaker:“Wouldn’t be enough left over for sandwiches the next day, though.”
Speaker:“You’re terrible. How’d they ever let you into children’s programming, anyway?”
Speaker:“All the best stuff for kids has always been dark.
Speaker:I mean, Charlotte’s Web
Speaker:was about a character trying
Speaker:to not be literally slaughtered and eaten.”
Speaker:He leans against the table, watching the others.
Speaker:“Kids already know bad stuff happens.
Speaker:We just show them they can get through it.”
Speaker:“Yeah, but maybe we should do a show where I eat a lot of vegetables.
Speaker:Just to be on the safe side.
Speaker:side.” Now he laughs.
Speaker:He looks so relaxed, so easy and comfortable,
Speaker:no matter what he’s doing.
Speaker:I trace the line of his jaw with my gaze, the places where the close-trimmed beard becomes smooth skin.
Speaker:I wonder what it would feel like,
Speaker:if I ever dared. He glances back at me.
Speaker:For an instant our eyes meet, but it’s too quick to read his expression.
Speaker:Then he looks at me in mock horror and puts his hands up as if to ward me off, backing away slowly.
Speaker:“No, please... Please don’t eat me!
Speaker:I have a husband and three kids...
Speaker:Okay, well, no, but...
Speaker:I have a succulent back at my studio that’ll dry up...
Speaker:eventually...” I put up my claws and growl.
Speaker:Matt ducks playfully around the table, and I try to follow
Speaker:—but my tail hits the edge of the table,
Speaker:and before I know it the whole thing comes crashing down.
Speaker:Matt jumps back and isn’t hurt,
Speaker:but instantly there are about a million caterers and assistants and
Speaker:janitors and assistant janitors around us,
Speaker:and his button-down shirt is soaked with coffee, and I can’t stop saying “I’m sorry” over and over again,
Speaker:like I’m actually the talking Ricky Rex plush playing the same voice clip every time.
Speaker:And then I just shut up
Speaker:and stare at the whole mess
Speaker:of everything. “See what I mean?”
Speaker:Matt smiles and points at me.
Speaker:“Dangerous.” Then he turns and lopes off,
Speaker:unfazed, and I watch him all the way down the hall.
Speaker:As far as anyone outside this studio knows,
Speaker:Matt is actually Ricky Rex.
Speaker:He’s the puppeteer listed in the credits
Speaker:of every show, the human face of the Ricky Rex “character.”
Speaker:Except there is no character.
Speaker:Just me. And right now all I want to do is be able to take off this head,
Speaker:unzip my scales, and walk away
Speaker:as somebody else. * * *
Speaker:I can’t sleep that night,
Speaker:so I wander down to the set.
Speaker:My apartment’s a penthouse over the studio, so it’s only a short elevator ride down,
Speaker:and the security team’s used to me roaming around at all hours.
Speaker:I’ve spent years waiting for someone to leak a video, but
Speaker:—despite the tabloids
Speaker:—it’s never happened.
Speaker:There’s something oddly soothing about being
Speaker:on set when everything’s silent and empty.
Speaker:I could almost believe that this is my real home,
Speaker:here in my magic cave,
Speaker:with its window and polka-dot curtains.
Speaker:I could believe that Topsy’s going to come over with a cake she just baked,
Speaker:and maybe Barnaby will stop by and we can play a game.
Speaker:I wish I really were Ricky.
Speaker:I wish everything were that simple.
Speaker:I go into wardrobe,
Speaker:to where the suits are kept.
Speaker:It feels eerily like a morgue, these skins waiting for puppeteers and engineers to breathe life back into them.
Speaker:If only I weren’t the only one.
Speaker:I’ve long since made my peace with not being able to remember anything before the producers found me in the cave,
Speaker:but it would be nice to have someone like me to talk to.
Speaker:The producers. Sometimes
Speaker:people are surprised
Speaker:when I call them that, instead of Les and Linda,
Speaker:or even Mom and Dad. But that’s how I think of them
Speaker:—as their role. That’s how they thought of me.
Speaker:Not uncaring, of course, but...
Speaker:businesslike. I think maybe they liked the idea of me as a trainable animal,
Speaker:or at most a young child they’d had dropped on their doorstep.
Speaker:Once they realized I was old enough by human standards to be able to live on my own,
Speaker:I became a member of the crew.
Speaker:An employee. It sounds silly, but in those early days
Speaker:I wound up learning a lot
Speaker:from the Ricky Rex scripts.
Speaker:How to make friends.
Speaker:How to ask questions.
Speaker:That it was okay to ask for help, and okay to apologize.
Speaker:What sad and angry and scared
Speaker:felt like, and that it was okay to feel that way.
Speaker:Basically, a kid’s show taught me how to be human.
Speaker:Which, when you think about it, is also what it’s supposed to do
Speaker:for the kids. By now I’ve drifted over to the prop room,
Speaker:idly scanning the rows of plastic bins
Speaker:and shelves. There are giant pieces of fruit,
Speaker:lots of cakes and desserts (Topsy loves to bake),
Speaker:and even a pair of roller skates I wore once.
Speaker:But there’s only one prop I keep coming back to,
Speaker:the one that stays out on a table since it’s used in every show
Speaker:and gets touchups
Speaker:all the time. The Rex Reverse-inator.
Speaker:In the dim light,
Speaker:it looks even more real.
Speaker:Our prop master, Amit, did a great job with it—it’s clunky and cartoony, but until you pick it up, you don’t realize it’s all just wood
Speaker:with shiny paint.
Speaker:Something about its shape and weight in my hands always feels soothing
Speaker:on nights like this.
Speaker:If only it were real.
Speaker:To go back to my own time,
Speaker:whenever that was.
Speaker:To have friends like me,
Speaker:who aren’t just humans wearing costumes.
Speaker:To maybe not be so lonely.
Speaker:To maybe not be so afraid.
Speaker:I turn the dial and twist the knob,
Speaker:each movement slow and deliberate.
Speaker:I don’t really believe it,
Speaker:but as always, I find myself with a crazy hope anyway.
Speaker:Finally I hold my breath and slam the joystick forward.
Speaker:Nothing. Of course. It’s painted wood.
Speaker:The only ones who really believe it can do anything are
Speaker:preschoolers. “Rex?”
Speaker:I jump. “Top—uh, Katie.”
Speaker:“I’ve told you a million times, you can call me Topsy if you want.”
Speaker:She shrugs. “Only seems fair.”
Speaker:“That’s okay.” I set the Reverse-inator back on the table.
Speaker:“Sorry I startled you,”
Speaker:Katie adds. “I was going over tomorrow’s script and saw lights on.
Speaker:Couldn’t sleep again?”
Speaker:I shake my head, and then I remember what she said.
Speaker:“What do you mean, it only seems fair? That I call you Topsy.”
Speaker:She picks up the Reverse-inator and fiddles with the dial.
Speaker:“They should make this thing click.
Speaker:It’d be more fun.”
Speaker:Finally she shrugs again.
Speaker:“Doesn’t it bug you that everybody calls you Ricky Rex?”
Speaker:I blink. “That’s... my name.”
Speaker:“No, that’s his name.”
Speaker:She taps the Reverse-inator.
Speaker:“Everybody else on this show has a name
Speaker:and a character. Except you.”
Speaker:Now it’s my turn to shrug.
Speaker:“I didn’t have a name.
Speaker:I mean, maybe I did once,
Speaker:but I couldn’t remember it. So they gave me one.”
Speaker:“Does it feel like yours?”
Speaker:“I don’t know. How would I know? It’s just my name.”
Speaker:I’m not sure why I feel so defensive all of a sudden, but I do.
Speaker:It’s not as if I love the name Ricky,
Speaker:but then I don’t hate it either. It’s just
Speaker:there. Katie drags a hand through her hair.
Speaker:“Look, it’s not really my business anyway.
Speaker:If you’re cool with it, I’m cool with it. But...”
Speaker:She pauses. “You don’t have to take what they gave you,
Speaker:just because they gave it to you.”
Speaker:I nod, because I have no idea what to say.
Speaker:“Anyway.” She puts the Reverse-inator down and turns to go.
Speaker:“Just... something to think about, you know?”
Speaker:I nod again. She’s at the door when she stops and calls back to me.
Speaker:“You see Matt’s interview?”
Speaker:“Um… Not yet.” “You know you should totally ask him out, right?”
Speaker:My stomach plummets.
Speaker:Is it that obvious?
Speaker:To everyone? To him?
Speaker:“Yeah,” I manage finally,
Speaker:“but what about the age difference?
Speaker:He’s like sixty-five million years younger.”
Speaker:It’s a stupid joke, but she laughs anyway. I want to thank her
Speaker:—for the encouragement, for the advice, for just being her—but I can’t find words,
Speaker:so I fall back on a catchphrase from the show.
Speaker:“You’re the tops!” She dips into a curtsey and blows me a kiss,
Speaker:in perfect Topsy form.
Speaker:“Night, Rex.” * * * On the Internet,
Speaker:no one knows you’re a dinosaur.
Speaker:I don’t do social media myself
Speaker:—the show’s got a coordinator who manages the Ricky Rex accounts and website
Speaker:—but I watch lots of videos,
Speaker:everything from aquarium livecams to
Speaker:wartime public service archival stuff.
Speaker:I watch people build chicken coops and live in tiny campers and bake twelve-layer cakes and
Speaker:blow up random objects and fold paper a thousand different ways.
Speaker:Sometimes all this makes me feel less lonely,
Speaker:and sometimes more.
Speaker:Tonight I search for Matt’s latest interview,
Speaker:a feature piece tied in with some kind of
Speaker:funding bill for children’s media.
Speaker:Matt’s sitting across from a newsmagazine reporter in what looks like a minimalist living room.
Speaker:The reporter’s in a suit,
Speaker:but Matt looks like he’s just walked off the set,
Speaker:still in his favorite frayed jeans
Speaker:and a black long-sleeved tee.
Speaker:The reporter leans in.
Speaker:“What do you think is so appealing to children about Ricky?”
Speaker:Close-up on Matt—and on that smile.
Speaker:That little smile, almost shy,
Speaker:that I see when we’ve gotten a scene just right. “Well,
Speaker:Ricky’s very childlike himself,”
Speaker:Matt says. “He’s very gentle,
Speaker:and compassionate, and trusting.
Speaker:He has that same
Speaker:innocence and playfulness
Speaker:that a young child has, that same sense of wonder at the world
Speaker:that so many adults lose.”
Speaker:“Is Ricky a reflection of some part of you,
Speaker:some aspect of yourself that you draw on for your performance?”
Speaker:Matt glances at the camera,
Speaker:and his eyes sparkle.
Speaker:It’s only an instant, but it makes my breath catch in my throat, like he’s looking
Speaker:directly at me, like it’s a private joke.
Speaker:“I think you could safely call Ricky my better half.
Speaker:Better than I am, anyway.”
Speaker:For a moment, I can’t even breathe.
Speaker:The rest of the questions are about his career before the B.C. Club,
Speaker:and then a couple about the funding bill and
Speaker:why it should be supported.
Speaker:I watch until the end,
Speaker:and then I start the video over,
Speaker:this time with the sound off.
Speaker:Gentle, and compassionate, and trusting.
Speaker:My heart skitters again at the memory of those words.
Speaker:He meant Ricky Rex, of course. The character,
Speaker:not me. Didn’t he?
Speaker:The interview continues.
Speaker:I watch his expression brighten
Speaker:and soften and turn quizzical, depending on the question.
Speaker:I don’t know what I’m looking for, but whatever it is, I sit there and stare at the screen
Speaker:until I realize the interview is long over
Speaker:and another video has started.
Speaker:Matt’s younger in this one,
Speaker:clean-shaven, doing puppetry with a dog character.
Speaker:A behind-the-scenes bit from another kids’ show, years ago.
Speaker:Clowning around, grinning at the camera.
Speaker:I click to turn the sound back on and watch, mesmerized.
Speaker:When it’s done, I follow link after link,
Speaker:skipping stones through his career. I watch three episodes of The Magic Forest, where he plays a cranky raccoon.
Speaker:I watch the pilot for something called Silly Submarine where I think the characters are all anthropomorphic germs, but I’m not entirely sure.
Speaker:Every time, no matter what it is,
Speaker:no matter who he plays, I’m laughing.
Speaker:Even when the writing isn’t great, his performance is.
Speaker:And when the writing is good,
Speaker:he’s even better.
Speaker:Delivery, timing, expression... everything.
Speaker:I run across a couple discussion threads
Speaker:that mention a pilot called
Speaker:Simply Simon that he was also in, but I can’t find any clips.
Speaker:I try search after search,
Speaker:pecking keywords in slowly with my claws, but all I get are articles and other interviews that mention it,
Speaker:so I start browsing through some of those.
Speaker:And then I read the words that stop
Speaker:everything. …performer behind the popular children’s character Ricky Rex…
Speaker:…rumors he’ll be moving on at the end of this season to a new project…
Speaker:…declined to comment on possible replacement
Speaker:for the beloved dinosaur… * * *
Speaker:I can’t bear to ask Matt, so I corner Katie by the coffee the next morning.
Speaker:“Is it true?” But I can already see the answer in Katie’s eyes.
Speaker:“It’s not official,”
Speaker:she says hurriedly.
Speaker:“He’s just... weighing his options. That’s all.”
Speaker:I don’t look at her.
Speaker:In my mind, I’m seeing all those videos,
Speaker:all those roles. “He should go.”
Speaker:“Rex...” “Haven’t you seen his other stuff?
Speaker:The demo reel from his thesis... It’s brilliant. And when he was
Speaker:Fuse on Rocket Racers.
Speaker:But here...” I hate it,
Speaker:I hate it, but it’s true and it has to be said.
Speaker:“Here he’s just pretending to be an actor.
Speaker:Pretending to be a puppeteer.
Speaker:He’s a guy in a suit that doesn’t exist.
Speaker:He’s a prop, Katie.
Speaker:He’s wasted here.” I force the words out, even though it feels like I don’t have any breath left.
Speaker:“And he shouldn’t be stuck here just because of me.”
Speaker:“I’m not.” I turn, vaguely aware of Katie slipping away in my peripheral vision.
Speaker:Matt doesn’t look upset,
Speaker:but I still have no idea what to say to him.
Speaker:We did a whole segment last season on what “upside down” means.
Speaker:I’ve never understood it so well
Speaker:as right now.
Speaker:“You liked Rocket Racers?”
Speaker:he asks. I nod. “Not many people did.”
Speaker:He smiles a little.
Speaker:“Not even the kids.”
Speaker:“I loved it,” I whisper.
Speaker:He swallows and nods, looking uncertain.
Speaker:“Let’s—let’s talk about it, okay? After we’re done today.
Speaker:Um… somewhere.” “I live just upstairs.”
Speaker:Which he already knows.
Speaker:“If you want to come
Speaker:up.” “Perfect. As soon as we’re done, I promise.”
Speaker:I’ve never flubbed so many lines.
Speaker:Matt looks worried,
Speaker:so much that I stop glancing his way because it’s just making things worse.
Speaker:It feels like each shot takes a year,
Speaker:especially when some camera issues have us doing
Speaker:the same three pages five times.
Speaker:Finally, Matt follows me
Speaker:into the elevator,
Speaker:and the doors open on my apartment.
Speaker:As we get out, I try to see things through his eyes.
Speaker:I know the expectation is that someone’s home reflects their personality,
Speaker:but there’s not much here that has any of my personality at all.
Speaker:Even the abstract watercolors in their white frames were hung up by Les and Linda back when they lived here.
Speaker:I make a note to watch some home decorating videos.
Speaker:At least I know enough to offer him something to drink.
Speaker:I don’t drink coffee, but there’s plenty of tea,
Speaker:which he politely declines, and then we sit down on the couch.
Speaker:“Katie was right that it isn’t official yet,”
Speaker:he starts off. “So this is just
Speaker:between us, for now.
Speaker:There are some friends of mine from
Speaker:—did you watch Big Top Buddies?”
Speaker:I nod. He looks impressed. “Wow,
Speaker:deep cut. So yeah, it was basically an extended toy commercial, but the director and the executive producers,
Speaker:we all knew each other from back in grad school.
Speaker:Now they’re kicking around some ideas for a new show,
Speaker:and they want me on board.
Speaker:They’ve got some really interesting ideas, creatively. It’d be a stretch for me,
Speaker:but what they have in mind…
Speaker:It’s exciting. So I told them
Speaker:I’d do the pilot, and if they could sell it…”
Speaker:He shrugs. “That’s where it stands.
Speaker:And you know what these things are like. Maybe it’ll happen, maybe it won’t.”
Speaker:“But if it does—you’ll go.”
Speaker:“Yeah,” he says quietly.
Speaker:“I’ll finish out the season, and then I’ll go.”
Speaker:“But… What am I going to do?”
Speaker:“They’ll find someone to take over.
Speaker:They’re probably already working on it, honestly.”
Speaker:“I know, but…” I have no idea what to say.
Speaker:I can’t tell him what I’m feeling; where would I even start?
Speaker:“I’ll miss you.” His eyes meet mine.
Speaker:“You know, we can see each other whenever we want.
Speaker:Even if I don’t work here anymore.”
Speaker:He smiles gently,
Speaker:and there’s a shyness in it,
Speaker:a hesitation that makes my chest flutter.
Speaker:“Really?” “Yeah. I mean,
Speaker:we’re doing it right now.
Speaker:And I’d like to do it again.
Speaker:Maybe even often.”
Speaker:“Often would be good.”
Speaker:Is this flirting? I think we’re flirting.
Speaker:I hope I’m doing okay at it.
Speaker:He reaches out a hand then,
Speaker:and his fingertips brush over my claws,
Speaker:lingering over my scales.
Speaker:His skin is impossibly,
Speaker:wonderfully warm.
Speaker:The producers rarely touched me.
Speaker:They were pretty subtle about it, so they probably thought I didn’t notice, but I did.
Speaker:Of course I eventually learned that
Speaker:plenty of humans are scared of or repulsed by reptiles, and I guess
Speaker:five-foot-ten talking ones aren’t an exception.
Speaker:So I expect him to pull away,
Speaker:but he doesn’t. I expect him to shiver, but he doesn’t.
Speaker:That touch, his gaze, take in everything I am,
Speaker:and still he’s here,
Speaker:right here next to me,
Speaker:and it’s more than I ever imagined and everything I ever hoped.
Speaker:We order takeout from a Thai place,
Speaker:and he tells all these funny stories about the different shows he’s been on,
Speaker:and hours later, when he says he should go,
Speaker:as we stand at the elevator I find the courage to say,
Speaker:“I wish I could kiss you.”
Speaker:And he gently presses his lips against the upper part of my snout,
Speaker:and I can feel the heat
Speaker:and sweetness of it
Speaker:long after he’s gone.
Speaker:This was the first of two parts of
Speaker:“A Different Kind of Make-Believe”
Speaker:by Renee Carter Hall,
Speaker:read for you live at Anthrocon 2024
Speaker:by Rob MacWolf,
Speaker:werewolf hitchhiker.
Speaker:Tune in next time
Speaker:as Ricky makes a decision
Speaker:that will change his life–and
Speaker:the show–forever.
Speaker:As always, you can find more stories on the web at thevoice.dog,
Speaker:or find the show wherever you get
Speaker:your podcasts. Thank you
Speaker:for listening to The Voice
