full
[18+] “Shame and Desperation Will Kill You Someday” by Pascal Farful (part 1 of 2)
[18+] Shadowy meetings. Code phrases. Secret packages. No, they're not spies. They're just gay. But if anyone finds out, they're as good as dead.
Today’s story is the first of two parts of “Shame and Desperation Will Kill You Someday” by Pascal Farful, who has been featured in multiple books by the Furry Historical Fiction Society and hosts the April writing workshop GoFourth!, and you can find more of his stories on his SoFurry page.
Read for you by Rob MacWolf — werewolf hitchhiker.
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Speaker:and
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Speaker:You
Speaker:Someday”
Speaker:by
Speaker:Pascal
Speaker:Farful, who has
Speaker:been
Speaker:featured
Speaker:in
Speaker:multiple
Speaker:books
Speaker:by
Speaker:the Furry
Speaker:Historical
Speaker:Fiction
Speaker:Society
Speaker:and
Speaker:hosts
Speaker:the
Speaker:April
Speaker:writing
Speaker:workshop
Speaker:GoFourth!, and
Speaker:you
Speaker:can
Speaker:find
Speaker:more
Speaker:of
Speaker:his
Speaker:stories
Speaker:on
Speaker:his
Speaker:SoFurry
Speaker:page.
It
has
Speaker:been
Speaker:said
Speaker:that
Speaker:there
Speaker:are
Speaker:two
Speaker:kinds
Speaker:of
Speaker:stories
Speaker:that
Speaker:can
Speaker:be
Speaker:told
Speaker:about
Speaker:the
Speaker:most
Speaker:precious
Speaker:thing
Speaker:in
Speaker:the
world:world:
stories
world:of
world:jubilation
world:when
world:it
world:is
world:possessed,
world:and
world:of
world:the
world:sacrifices
world:made
world:and
world:trials
world:endured
world:to
world:gain
world:it.
world:While
world:it
world:cannot
world:be
world:said,
world:in
world:the
world:case of
world:Pride,
world:that such sacrifices
world:and
world:trials
world:are
world:fair
world:trade,
world:for
world:there
world:is
world:no
world:sense
world:in
world:which
world:deprivation
world:of
world:our
world:rights
world:and
world:dignity
world:may
world:ever
world:be
world:called
world:just,
world:it
world:is
world:nonetheless
world:true
world:that
world:such
world:trails
world:and
world:sacrifice
world:were
world:made,
world:and
world:they
world:prove
world:how
world:paramountly
world:precious
world:Pride
world:is.
world:The
world:word
world:for
world:pride’s
world:absence is shame,
world:and
world:it
world:remains
world:true
that:
“Shame
and
that:Desperation
that:Will
that:Kill
that:You
that:Someday”
that:by
that:Pascal
that:Farful, Part 1 of 2
Saturday 7th March 1983
An undisclosed
hotel
that:between
that:Silverstone
that:Race
that:Circuit
that:and
that:Milton
that:Keynes
that:National
that:Bowl
Hotel
security
that:isn’t
that:very
that:good.
that:That’s
that:both
that:a
that:blessing
that:and
that:a
that:curse
that:for
that:us.
that:It’s
that:a
that:blessing
that:because
that:there’s
that:almost
that:no
that:chance
that:of
that:anyone
that:letting
that:slip
that:that
that:Thomas and I are in
that:this
that:room
that:together.
that:It’s
that:a
that:curse
that:because
that:if
that:someone
that:did,
that:they’d
that:be
that:completely
that:incapable
that:of
that:stopping
that:the
that:reporters
that:who would
that:kick
that:down
that:our
that:doors
that:to
that:destroy
that:our
that:lives.
I
lay
that:on
that:the
that:bed
that:in
that:silence.
Waiting.
He’d
be
that:here
that:soon.
He
promised.
One
night.
One
night
that:only.
No
falling
that:in
that:love.
No
feelings.
No
emotions.
I
use
that:him,
that:he
that:uses
that:me.
I’d
got
that:back
that:to
that:the
that:room
that:the
that:moment
that:soundcheck
that:finished.
that:It’s
that:my
that:hotel
that:room,
that:he
that:has
that:to
that:manage
that:out
that:of
that:a
that:motorhome.
that:Again,
that:blessings
that:and
that:curses.
that:A
that:room of
that:your own
that:domain,
that:where
that:nobody
that:could
that:come
that:and
that:interrupt
that:you or
that:throw
that:you
that:out.
that:But
that:you’d
that:have
that:to
that:fuck
that:in
that:the
that:infield
that:where
that:anyone
that:with
that:a
that:camera
that:could
that:see
that:two
that:men
that:enter
that:or
that:leave,
that:and
that:if
that:there
that:was
that:enough
that:commotion,
that:it
that:might
that:be
that:hard
that:to
that:leave.
that:At
that:least,
that:without
that:things
that:getting
that:ugly.
The
hotel
that:hookup
that:was
that:his
that:idea.
that:He
that:was
that:born
that:and
that:raised
that:in
that:these
that:parts,
that:so
that:I
that:trust
that:that
that:he
that:knows
that:what
that:he’s
that:doing.
Suddenly.
Two
knocks,
that:then
that:a
that:pause,
that:then
that:two
that:more.
I
almost
that:fall
that:over
that:trying
that:to
that:get
that:to
that:my
that:feet,
that:but
that:I
that:force
that:myself
that:to
that:be
that:as
that:quiet
that:as
that:possible.
I
sneak
that:up
that:to
that:the
that:door
that:and
that:unlock it.
that:I
that:knock
that:twice
that:on
that:the
that:door
that:in
that:turn,
that:then
that:retreat.
He
opens
that:it.
He
steps
that:inside
that:and
that:closes
that:it
that:behind
that:him.
I
watch
that:him
that:lock
that:it.
And
finally.
We’re
alone.
I
can
that:see
that:the
that:shine
that:of
that:sweat
that:on
that:his
that:fur.
that:He
that:must
that:have
that:done
that:exactly
that:what
that:I
that:did,
that:come
that:straight
that:here
that:the
that:moment
that:he
that:wrapped
that:up
that:at
that:the
that:track.
that:He’s
that:still
that:wearing
that:those
that:fireproofs
that:of
that:his.
that:I
that:guess
that:if
that:I
that:came
that:here
that:in
that:my
that:stage
that:clothes,
that:I’d
that:look
that:just
that:as
that:ridiculous
that:to
that:him.
“I
trust you
that:checked
that:it
that:wasn’t
that:bugged?”
that:He
that:asks
that:in
that:a
that:hushed
that:tone.
that:He’s
that:got
that:the
that:voice
that:of
that:a
that:man
that:who
that:grew
that:up
that:rich.
that:I
that:suppose
that:most
that:people
that:had
that:to
that:have
that:rich
that:blood
that:to
that:get
that:into
that:his
that:line
that:of
that:work.
“Of
course.”
that:I
that:said. “I
that:ain’t
that:called
that:nobody
that:about
that:nothing
that:since
that:I
that:got
that:here.”
The
leopard
that:grunts,
that:looks
that:away.
that:Finally
that:he
that:nods
that:and
that:looks
that:back
that:to
that:me. “Then
that:let’s
that:get
that:to
that:it.”
I
shuffle
that:forward
that:and
that:sit
that:on
that:the
that:side
that:of
that:the
that:bed.
that:He
that:undoes
that:the
that:velcro
that:at
that:the
that:top
that:of
that:the
that:overalls
that:and
that:I
that:pull
that:down
that:the
that:zip.
that:He
that:starts
that:to try
that:and
that:fumble
that:his
that:way
that:out
that:of
that:the
that:thing,
that:but
that:I
that:only
that:pay
that:attention to
that:his
that:physique.
that:Sure,
that:he’s
that:a
that:race
that:car
that:driver
that:not
that:like…
that:a
that:sprinter
that:or a
that:football
that:player
that:but…
that:he’s
that:still
that:in
that:great
that:shape.
that:Probably
that:has
that:to
that:be.
Soon he’s
stood
that:there
that:in
that:a
that:pair
that:of
that:white
that:briefs,
that:muscles
that:shining
that:in
that:the
that:moonlight.
that:His
that:breath
that:is
that:quick,
that:tail
that:impatient,
that:his fur
that:tries
that:to
that:stand
that:on
that:edge in
that:fear
that:but
that:the
that:smell
that:of
that:his
that:arousal
that:and
that:the
that:staining
that:of
that:those
that:briefs
that:tells
that:me
that:that
that:he
that:wants
that:this
that:just
that:as
that:much
that:as
that:he
that:fears
that:it.
I
know
that:how
that:he
that:feels.
I
put
that:my
that:nose
that:between
that:his
that:pectorals
that:and
that:sniff
that:his
that:musk.
that:The
that:strong
that:musky
that:scent
that:blots
that:the
that:fear
that:from
that:my
that:mind.
that:I
that:run
that:my
that:tongue
that:down
that:his
that:chest
that:hoping
that:the
that:taste
that:of
that:his
that:sweat
that:might
that:help.
“Fucking
freak.”
that:he
that:grunts.
I
scoff
that:at
that:him. “Shame’ll
that:kill
that:you
that:one
that:of
that:these
that:days.”
that:I
that:remind
that:him. “Your
that:the
that:one
that:who
that:didn’t
that:wash
that:before
that:you
that:showed
that:up.”
“Your
the
that:one
that:who
that:told
that:me
that:not
that:to.”
that:He
that:grunts.
“And
your
that:the
that:one
that:who-”
“Christ, you
like
that:the sound of
that:your
that:own
that:voice,
that:don’t
that:you?”
that:He
that:cuts
that:me
that:off,
that:pressing
that:my
that:head
that:down
that:towards
that:his
that:lap.
I
don’t
that:object.
I
take
that:hold
that:of
that:his
that:briefs
that:and
that:pull
that:them
that:down
that:briskly.
His
manhood,
that:hot,
that:musky
that:and
that:slick,
that:springs
that:up
that:to
that:meet
that:me
that:less
that:than
that:an
that:inch
that:from
that:my
that:lips.
I
lean
that:down,
that:ready
that:to
that:swallow
that:it.
“W-wait.”
He
that:gasps.
I
do.
I
look
that:up
that:at
that:him.
He
looks
that:down
that:at
that:me.
He
looks
that:terrified.
that:Absolutely
that:petrified.
I
keep
that:sniffing
that:the
that:air,
that:trying
that:to
that:flood
that:my
that:senses
that:with
that:him
that:less
that:I
that:end
that:up
that:the
that:same
that:way.
His
breath
that:is
that:fast,
that:his fur
that:fully
that:on
that:end,
that:tail
that:coiled
that:around
that:one
that:of
that:his
that:legs.
that:But
that:his
that:cock
that:only
that:seems
that:to
that:get
that:harder.
At
last,
that:he
that:raises
that:his
that:head
that:and
that:screws
that:his
that:eyes
that:shut. “Do
that:it.”
that:He
that:whispers.
With
one
that:motion,
that:I
that:swallow
that:him.
that:I
that:put
that:my
that:paws
that:on
that:his
that:thighs
that:and
that:I
that:suck.
His
length
that:is
that:slippery
that:with
that:sweat
that:and
that:pre.
that:It’s
that:hot and
that:smells
that:vividly
that:of
that:man.
that:But
that:that’s
that:what
that:I
that:want.
that:It’s
that:more
that:than
that:worth
that:dying
that:for.
that:That’s
that:what
that:this is
that:all
that:about.
As I
bob
that:on
that:his
that:length,
that:I
that:stare
that:up
that:at
that:him,
that:but
that:the
that:moment
that:I
that:do,
that:he
that:looks
that:away.
I
close
that:my
that:eyes
that:for
that:a while,
that:then
that:look
that:again.
Now
he’s
that:staring
that:back
that:at
that:me.
that:I
that:try
that:not
that:to
that:think
that:about
that:how
that:wet
that:his
that:eyes
that:look.
that:And
that:instead
that:I
that:just
that:keep
that:sucking
that:him.
My
tongue
that:is
that:rewarded
that:with
that:fresh
that:pre,
that:but
that:I
that:don’t
that:get
that:too
that:long
that:to
that:taste it
that:before
that:he
that:pulls
that:me
that:off
that:his
that:length.
“Show
me…”
that:he
that:begins,
that:his
that:throat
that:catching,
that:but
that:he
that:growls
that:gently
that:to clear
that:it. “Show
that:me
that:your
that:arse.”
I
nod.
I
pull
that:off
that:my
that:shirt,
that:then
that:my
that:pants.
that:Off
that:with
that:my
that:briefs
that:too,
that:all
that:while
that:he
that:stands
that:there,
that:pretending
that:not
that:to
that:watch.
“I
got
that:some
that:condoms
that:if
that:you
that:didn’t-”
“I
have
that:plenty.”
that:He
that:said,
that:producing
that:some
that:from
that:the
that:inside
that:of
that:his
that:race
that:suit. “Who
that:the
that:hell else am I
that:supposed
that:to
that:use
that:them
that:on?”
I
lay
that:back
that:on
that:the
that:bed,
that:raise
that:my
that:legs
that:and
that:spread
that:them.
that:My
that:tail
that:wags and
that:my
that:length
that:stands
that:proud.
In
the
that:moonlight,
that:I
that:watch
that:him
that:slide
that:the
that:rubber
that:over
that:his
that:length, then
that:kneel
that:up
that:on
that:the
that:bed
that:between
that:my
that:legs.
“Have
you...
that:uhhh…?”
that:He
that:hesitates.
“I
prepped
that:before
that:you
that:turned
that:up.”
that:I
that:say. “There’s some lube
that:in
that:the
that:drawer.”
He
opens
that:the
that:desk
that:drawer
that:and
that:pulls
that:out
that:a
that:small
that:tube
that:of
that:jelly.
that:Then,
that:he
that:pulls
that:a
that:pillow
that:from the
that:bed
that:and
that:holds
that:it
that:over
that:my
that:muzzle. “Open
that:up.”
that:He
that:whispers.
“You
called
that:me
that:a
that:freak.”
that:I
that:snort.
“It’s
to
that:shut
that:you
that:up.”
that:He
that:rumbles. “They
that:pay
that:you
that:to
that:scream
that:on
that:stage,
that:but
that:I
that:don’t
that:want
that:hear
that:a
that:sound
that:out
that:of
that:you
that:in
that:here.”
Kinky,
dominant
that:and
that:ripped,
that:what
that:a
that:stud!
that:Shame
that:he’s
that:an
that:idiot. “Use
that:a
that:towel.”
that:I
that:tell
that:him. “Pillows
that:leave
that:teeth
that:marks.”
His
face
that:suddenly
that:changes.
that:I
that:miss
that:his
that:dominant
that:glare
that:the
that:moment
that:the
that:fear
that:replaces
that:it.
that:He
that:nods
that:briskly,
that:departing
that:and
that:returning
that:with a
that:small
that:towel.
that:He
that:twists
that:it
that:into
that:a
that:cylinder and
that:I
that:let
that:him
that:put
that:it
that:in
that:my
that:mouth.
My
tail
that:swishes
that:from
that:side
that:to
that:side.
that:It’s
that:the
that:only
that:way
that:I
that:can
that:communicate
that:what
that:I
that:want
that:as
that:he
that:fumbles
that:around
that:in
that:the
that:dark.
I
smell
that:the lube
that:in
that:the
that:air.
Suddenly,
I
that:feel
that:slick,
that:cold
that:fingers
that:smearing
that:over
that:my
that:entrance.
I
shiver
that:and
that:I
that:squeak,
that:half
that:in
that:arousal,
that:half
that:in
that:surprise,
that:but
that:the
that:towel
that:does it’s
that:job.
The
fingers
that:sink
that:inside
that:me.
I
try
that:to
that:relax.
that:Breathe,
that:relax,
that:breathe,
that:relax.
Scream.
We
both
that:jump, then
that:freeze
that:in
that:place.
Not
from
that:in
that:here.
From
one
that:room
that:over.
The
scream
that:was short,
that:but
that:then
that:begins
that:to
that:become
that:rhythmic.
that:Met
that:then
that:by
that:a
that:creaking,
that:and then a man’s
that:moans...
We
stare
that:at
that:each
that:other.
Humiliated.
But
it
that:takes
that:the
that:pressure
that:off.
He
seems
that:unsure
that:of
that:himself.
that:But
that:I
that:know
that:what
that:I
that:want.
that:I
that:gesture
that:between
that:my
that:legs.
“Ffffhhh mmhhh”
I
that:instruct
that:through
that:the
that:towel.
He
snaps
that:back
that:to
that:reality.
that:He
that:spits
that:on
that:me.
that:Suddenly,
that:his
that:cock
that:presses
that:against
that:my
that:ass
that:and
that:pushes
that:inside.
I
want
that:to
that:tell
that:him
that:to
that:slow
that:down,
that:but
that:not
that:only
that:is
that:it
that:too
that:late,
that:the
that:way
that:he
that:carelessly
that:buries
that:his
that:cock
that:inside
that:me
that:is
that:just
that:the
that:kind
that:of
that:rough
that:and
that:degrading
that:that I fantasise about. I try to
that:lift
that:and
that:spread
that:my
that:legs as
that:he
that:withdraws,
that:then
that:starts
that:to
that:thrust.
God…
he
that:feels
that:so
that:big
that:inside
that:me.
that:His
that:size.
that:That’s
that:what
that:I
that:focus
that:my
that:mind
that:on.
that:He’s
that:big
that:and
that:he’s
that:not
that:got
that:good
that:enough
that:technique
that:to
that:make
that:that
that:feel
that:elegant.
that:And
that:that’s
that:what
that:I
that:want
that:in
that:a
that:man.
He
fucks
that:me
that:hard.
that:But
that:when
that:I
that:look
that:at
that:him,
that:he
that:looks
that:away.
I
think
that:I
that:know
that:what
that:he’s
that:trying
that:to
that:hide.
I
try
that:to
that:lock
that:him
that:back
that:in
that:with
that:me.
that:I
that:growl,
that:try to tell
that:him
that:to
that:fuck
that:me
that:harder,
that:rougher.
But
his
that:hips
that:have
that:one
that:speed
that:and
that:his
that:eyes
that:avoid
that:me.
I try
not
that:to
that:think
that:about
that:how
that:shimmery
that:his
that:eyes
that:are.
that:I
that:know
that:he
that:can
that:make
that:this
that:stop
that:anytime
that:he
that:wants.
that:Hell,
that:he
that:can
that:stop
that:this
that:faster
that:than
that:I
that:can.
that:And
that:he
that:doesn’t.
I
put
that:my
that:paws
that:on
that:his
that:ass.
Suddenly,
his
that:eyes
that:meet
that:mine.
But
he
that:ain’t
that:mad.
that:He
that:ain’t
that:crying
that:anymore
that:either.
that:He
that:looks…
that:surprised?
I
growl
that:at
that:him
that:through
that:the
that:towel.
that:Get
that:the
that:fucking
that:hint.
He
locks
that:eyes
that:with
that:me.
that:He
that:gets
that:the
that:hint.
He
grabs
that:me.
that:He
that:conquers
that:me.
that:My
that:teeth
that:clench
that:tight
that:around
that:that
that:towel, it
that:masking
that:my
that:yelps
that:and
that:snarls
that:of
that:pleasure
that:and
that:pain.
that:It’s
that:a
that:waste
that:of
that:my
that:vocal
that:chords
that:not
that:to
that:tell
that:him
that:how
that:much
that:I
that:like
that:it.
Suddenly,
his
that:length
that:shudders
that:within
that:me.
I
meet
that:his
that:gaze.
He
looks
that:away.
I
try
that:and
that:reach
that:up
that:to
that:pull his gaze
that:back
that:to
that:mine, but
that:before
that:I
that:can,
that:he
that:yanks
that:the
that:towel
that:from
that:my
that:mouth,
that:then
that:slams
that:his
that:lips
that:against
that:mine.
that:I
that:almost
that:don’t
that:notice
that:his
that:hips
that:make
that:their
that:final
that:thrust.
I
feel
that:his
that:orgasm
that:but
that:not
that:a
that:drop
that:reaches
that:me.
that:His
that:tongue
that:fills
that:my
that:muzzle,
that:briskly,
that:eagerly,
that:needily.
Fear
fills
that:me
that:again.
Then
anger.
At
last,
that:he
that:pulls
that:free,
that:slipping
that:out
that:of
that:me
that:and
that:leaving
that:me
that:with
that:the
that:deep
that:emptiness
that:and
that:pulsing
that:ache
that:that
that:I
that:wish
that:I
that:could
that:just
that:wallow
that:in
that:and
that:enjoy.
Very
quickly,
that:he
that:pulls off
that:the
that:condom
that:and
that:ties a knot
that:in
that:it. He
that:immediately
that:starts
that:trying
that:to
that:get
that:dressed.
“You
fucking
that:liar!”
that:I
that:snarl
that:as
that:quietly
that:as
that:I
that:can.
“What?”
“The
kiss!”
The
leopard
that:grunts
that:and
that:doesn’t
that:stop
that:getting
that:dressed. “What
that:kiss?”
“Don’t
play
that:dumb
that:with
that:me.”
that:I
that:growled as
that:quietly
that:as
that:I
that:could. “We
that:had
that:a
that:deal-”
“No
falling
that:in
that:love.”
that:He
that:interrupts
that:me,
that:finally
that:meeting
that:my
that:gaze
that:again. “Are
that:you
that:about
that:to
that:break
that:that
that:promise?”
“You
don’t
that:get
that:why
that:that
that:promise
that:exists.”
that:I
that:say,
that:scrambling to
that:my
that:feet. “If
that:you
that:can’t
that:keep
that:your
that:emotions
that:in
that:line,
that:you’ll
that:get
that:desperate.
that:And
that:once
that:you
that:get
that:desperate,
that:you’ll
that:slip
that:up.
that:And
that:once
that:you
that:slip
that:up,
that:you’ll
that:get
that:both
that:of
that:us
that:killed.”
The
leopard
that:snarls
that:at
that:me,
that:then
that:turns
that:tail
that:and
that:walks
that:towards
that:the
that:door. “They won’t
that:kill
that:us
that:here.”
“Even
if
that:that’s
that:true, we
that:ain’t always gonna
that:to
that:be
that:here.
that:You
that:could
that:get
that:desperate
that:in
that:the
that:most
that:dangerous
that:of
that:places.”
--
Saturday 31st January 1987
Daytona International
Speedway,
that:Daytona
that:Beach,
that:Florida.
That fucking bastard.
Randy didn’t tell me his tour took him
through
that:Florida.
He
didn’t
that:tell
that:me
that:that he had the
that:Saturday night of the Daytona 24
that:hours
that:as an
that:off
that:day.
Unfortunately,
I
that:turned
that:on
that:my
that:TV
that:in
that:time
that:to
that:see
that:that
that:golden
that:retriever
that:strutting
that:around
that:on
that:MTV.
that:Squeezed
that:into
that:leather
that:trousers
that:a
that:size
that:too
that:small
that:for
that:him,
that:squealing
that:and
that:convulsing
that:like
that:a
that:bitch
that:in
that:heat.
If
it
that:was
that:just
that:that,
that:I
that:could
that:have fixed
that:it
that:with my paw. Worse,
that:that
that:slut must
that:have
that:turned
that:on
that:his
that:TV
that:at
that:the
that:right
that:time
that:to
that:see
that:me
that:interviewed
that:on
that:ESPN,
that:because
that:while
that:he
that:was
that:getting
that:interviewed,
that:he
that:kept
that:knocking
that:on
that:the
that:flight
that:case
that:he
that:was
that:sat
that:on.
Two
knocks,
that:then
that:a
that:pause,
that:then
that:two
that:knocks.
The
same
that:one
that:from
that:the
that:first
that:time.
He
kept
that:doing
that:it.
Once
or
that:twice was
that:an
that:accident.
But
it was the entire 4 or
that:so
that:minuets
that:he
that:was
that:on
that:screen.
that:And
that:he
that:kept
that:looking
that:down
that:the
that:camera
that:to
that:do
that:it.
Now
we
that:have
that:to
that:fuck.
Have to.
We
made
that:promises.
that:Promised
that:it
that:was
that:only
that:once.
that:Promised
that:we’d
that:never
that:feel
that:anything
that:for
that:each
that:other.
that:He
that:promised
that:I’d
that:break
that:those
that:promises
that:before
that:he
that:did.
But
there’s
that:no
that:need
that:to
that:keep
that:score.
It
doesn’t
that:matter
that:what
that:we
that:promised.
I
need him.
And now
I
that:know
that:he
that:needs
that:me
that:too.
I
don’t
that:love
that:him.
I
just
that:want
that:another
that:chance
that:to
that:use
that:him.
I
just
that:want
that:him
that:to
that:want
that:me.
that:So
that:all
that:these
that:days sitting alone in my motorhome are the
that:same
that:days
that:he
that:is
that:sitting
that:alone
that:in
that:his
that:tour
that:bus.
It’s
the
that:dead
that:of
that:the
that:night.
I’ve
been
that:stiff
that:ever
that:since
that:I got in
that:the
that:car.
that:I
that:wish
that:I
that:was
that:stuck
that:in
that:the
that:thick
that:of
that:a
that:battle
that:just
that:to
that:keep
that:my
that:mind
that:off of
that:him.
that:But
that:no.
that:It’s
that:been
that:just
that:lap after consistent lap to lull me into dreams of wrecking
that:that
that:twink.
The
fuel
that:light
that:comes
that:on
that:on
that:my
that:dash.
Finally.
I
pull
that:into
that:the
that:pits,
that:climb
that:out of the car and leap over the pitwall.
I
strap
that:my
that:co-driver
that:into
that:the
that:car,
that:trying
that:to
that:ramble
that:something
that:useful
that:about the
that:car or
that:the
that:circuit or
that:anything.
that:But
that:I
that:have a
that:one-track
that:mind.
that:Thank
that:god
that:these
that:racing
that:suits
that:were
that:baggy.
I
leap
that:over
that:the
that:pit wall
that:and
that:start
that:to
that:walk
that:without
that:hesitation
that:back
that:to
that:my
that:motorhome.
that:I
that:don’t
that:know
that:when
that:I’m
that:due
that:back
that:in
that:the car, but I’ll fix that once this dog fixes
that:me.
You can’t
escape
that:the noise inside an active race track,
that:no
that:matter
that:where
that:you
that:go.
that:Maybe
that:I
that:won’t have to
that:put a towel in his mouth this time.
that:Either
that:way,
that:I’d
that:deliberately
that:parked
that:my
that:motorhome as
that:far
that:out
that:of
that:the
that:way
that:as
that:I could. The driver’s quarters are separated from
that:the
that:rest
that:of
that:the
that:infield
that:camping,
that:which
that:is
that:going
that:to
that:give
that:us
that:enough
that:privacy
that:to
that:make
that:this
that:work,
that:but
that:for
that:one
that:complication.
that:He’s
that:going
that:to
that:need
that:a
that:paddock
that:pass
that:to
that:get
that:in.
--
Friday, 30th January 1987
Orange County Convention
and
that:Civic
that:Centre,
that:Orlando
that:Florida.
“Thank
you!
that:Goodnight!”
The
crowd
that:roars
that:and
that:I
that:make
that:my
that:final
that:goodbyes,
that:turning
that:around
that:and
that:walking
that:backstage.
My
tour
that:manager
that:flops a
that:cold
that:towel
that:around
that:my
that:shoulders
that:and
that:starts
that:sweet
that:talking
that:me
that:about
that:success
that:and
that:money
that:and
that:shit.
that:I
that:overhear
that:the
that:rest
that:of
that:the
that:band
that:making
that:plans
that:to
that:snort
that:coke
that:and
that:fuck
that:various
that:girls
that:in
that:the
that:hotel.
that:Not
that:one
that:word
that:of
that:it
that:stays
that:in
that:my
that:head.
As
happy
that:as
that:I
that:am
that:onstage,
that:I’m
that:an
that:empty
that:husk
that:off
that:of
that:it.
I’m
a
that:lonely
that:man,
that:a
that:traitor
that:hiding
that:in
that:plain
that:sight,
that:deep
that:behind
that:enemy
that:lines.
As
I
that:head
that:back to
that:the
that:dressing
that:room,
that:one
that:of
that:the
that:assistants
that:hands
that:me an
that:envelope.
I
don’t
that:really
that:listen
that:to
that:what’s
that:being
that:said
that:about
that:it.
that:I
that:doubt
that:it’s
that:important.
Wait
a
that:minute…
As
I
that:grope
that:the
that:package,
that:I
that:start
that:noticing
that:shapes.
Discretely,
I
that:find
that:a
that:spout
that:of
that:of the way,
that:and
that:open
that:it up.
“PADDOCK PASS, DAYTONA 24 HOURS 1987.”
Laminated, on a lanyard.
Oh
my
that:god.
that:Thomas
that:has
that:done
that:it.
I
close
that:the
that:package and
that:hold
that:it as
that:tightly
that:as
that:I
that:can
that:while
that:scurrying
that:back
that:to
that:the
that:changing
that:rooms.
I
sneak
that:a
that:second
that:look
that:and
that:included
that:inside
that:is a
that:small
that:scrap
that:of
that:paper.
Onwhich
is
that:a
that:code that
that:I
that:quickly
that:realise is a
that:license plate.
---
Saturday 31st January 1987
Daytona International
Speedway,
that:Daytona
that:Beach
that:Florida.
I
arrive
that:at
that:my
that:motorhome.
that:There’s
that:a
that:figure
that:in
that:a
that:wide-brimmed
that:hat
that:trying
that:hard
that:not
that:to
that:look
that:at
that:it.
That’s
Randy.
that:I
that:recognise
that:his
that:slender
that:physique
that:and
that:cute
that:backside
that:anywhere.
Fear
and
that:arousal
that:begin
that:to
that:coarse
that:through
that:my
that:veins.
I
walk
that:past
that:him
that:to
that:the door.
that:I
that:open it. I
that:cough
that:loudly, which
that:causes
that:him to turn his
that:head.
that:Then
that:I
that:step
that:inside.
The
moment
that:I’m
that:hidden
that:from
that:view,
that:I
that:start
that:stripping
that:out of
that:my
that:overalls.
that:I
that:make
that:sure
that:to
that:face
that:the
that:doorway
that:so
that:he
that:knows
that:what
that:he’s
that:in
that:for.
I
watch
that:him
that:step
that:inside,
that:turn
that:around
that:and
that:close
that:the
that:door
that:behind
that:him.
As he turns around, I let my overalls fall to the floor.
His
eyes
that:look
that:hungrily
that:over
that:me
that:and
that:I
that:throb
that:against
that:my
that:briefs.
“Suck
it.”
that:I order.
He
throws
that:down
that:the
that:hat
that:and
that:drops
that:to
that:his
that:knees.
that:I’m
that:convinced
that:he’s
that:going
that:to
that:waste
that:my
that:time by
that:sniffing
that:or
that:licking
that:my
that:sweat,
that:I
that:know
that:how
that:much
that:he
that:likes
that:that.
that:But
that:he’s
that:as
that:needy
that:as
that:I
that:am.
that:He
that:pulls
that:my
that:briefs
that:down and
that:within
that:seconds I’m
that:balls
that:deep
that:in
that:that
that:tight
that:throat
that:of
that:his.
Good
slut.
I
grab
that:a
that:fistful of his
that:teased,
that:blond
that:hair
that:and
that:lay
that:siege
that:to
that:his
that:windpipe.
I
don’t
that:care
that:about
that:him.
I don’t care about him.
I
don’t
that:care
that:about
that:him.
His
paws
that:scramble
that:down.
that:I
that:hesitate,
that:fear
that:shivers
that:up
that:my
that:back,
that:but
that:he’s
that:fine.
that:Just
that:setting
that:his own
that:aching
that:length free
that:from
that:those
that:tight
that:jeans
that:of
that:his.
that:I
that:try
that:and
that:suppress
that:my
that:relief.
I
leak
that:into
that:his
that:gullet.
that:I have to pull
that:free less I
that:flood his
that:throat
that:before
that:it’s
that:time.
“Gimme
your
that:arsehole.”
that:I
that:snarl.
He
pulls
that:off
that:his
that:shirt,
that:coughing
that:and
that:hacking,
that:but
that:moving
that:with
that:a
that:feverish
that:need.
I
pull
that:a
that:condom
that:out
that:of
that:my
that:draw
that:and
that:put
that:it
that:on
that:while
that:he
that:lays
that:up
that:on
that:my
that:bed.
“I
preped
that:before
that:we-”
“I
don’t
that:care.”
that:I
that:lie.
that:I
that:spit
that:on
that:his
that:tight hole
that:and
that:he
that:squeaks
that:in
that:pleasure,
that:reaching
that:back
that:and
that:spreading
that:himself
that:wide
that:before
that:I can tell him
that:to.
I
spy
that:him
that:grinning
that:at
that:me
that:and
that:hope
that:that I’m
that:not
that:grinning
that:back.
I
hate
that:feelings.
I
hate
that:having
that:them.
I hate
processing
that:them.
I
love
that:his
that:holes.
They
can
that:feel
that:them
that:for
that:me.
I slosh
some
that:lube over his rump and
that:my
that:rubbered dick, a
that:little
that:more than is
that:necessary, then
that:shove
that:it
that:inside
that:him.
that:No
that:ceremony. He’s
that:a
that:fleshlight
that:to
that:me.
He
squeals, a
that:little
that:raspy
that:from
that:last
that:night,
that:but
that:he’s
that:a
that:professional.
I
grab his tail
that:in one paw, then his
that:hip
that:in
that:the
that:other,
that:slam
that:home
that:nice
that:and
that:deep,
that:then
that:start
that:to
that:take
that:out
that:my
that:frustrations
that:on
that:him.
Big,
deep,
that:careless
that:thrusts.
For
me.
that:Not
that:for
that:him.
that:Nothing
that:I
that:do
that:is
that:for
that:him.
that:I
that:don’t
that:feel
that:anything.
I
feel
that:nothing.
I
feel
that:nothing.
I
promise,
that:I
that:feel
that:nothing.
“Faster!”
He
that:squeals.
Faster?!
I
that:feel
that:my claws
that:draw.
that:No!
that:I
that:flinch
that:backwards,
that:only
that:my
that:tip
that:still
that:inside
that:him.
My
heart
that:batters
that:against
that:my
that:chest and
that:my
that:head
that:pounds.
“You
ok?”
that:He
that:asks.
“Bastard!”
I
that:slam
that:home
that:again.
that:Trying
that:to
that:fuck
that:him
that:harder.
that:If
that:I
that:can
that:fuck
that:him
that:hard
that:enough,
that:maybe
that:it’ll
that:fuck
that:the
that:feelings
that:right outta me. I
that:try and
that:move
that:my
that:foot
that:around
that:to
that:his
that:back
that:to
that:pin
that:him
that:down.
that:But I nearly lose
that:balance.
I
try
that:and
that:grab tighter.
Move
faster.
But I…
can’t.
that:I’m
that:being
that:as
that:careless
that:and
that:brutal
that:as
that:I
that:can,
that:but
that:my
that:hips
that:just
that:can’t
that:go
that:that
that:fast.
“You
can
that:be
that:as
that:rough
that:and
that:fast
that:as
that:you
that:want.”
that:He
that:assures
that:me
that:in
that:that
that:nice,
that:pretty,
that:kind
that:voice
that:of
that:his.
“Fuck
off!”
that:I
that:snarl. “I can’t.
that:This is all I’ve got.”
“That’s
fi-”
“No!” I screw my
eyes shut. “Stop
that:being
that:fucking
that:nice
that:to
that:me!”
The
room
that:echoes
that:with my shouts. The distant cars. My heart’s going so
that:fast
that:I’m
that:convinced
that:he
that:can
that:hear
that:it.
“Y’know what,
fuck
that:it.” The
that:snarl leaves
that:my
that:lips. A
that:twitch
that:in
that:my
that:throat
that:and
that:a
that:hunger
that:consumes
that:me.
I
pull
that:free
that:and
that:I tug him
that:forward
that:so he’s
that:sat
that:on
that:the
that:bed.
With
him
that:sat
that:up,
that:I
that:drop
that:like
that:a
that:rock
that:to
that:my
that:knees
that:and
that:bury his
that:length
that:in
that:my
that:throat.
I
suck
that:him
that:as
that:hard
that:and
that:as
that:fast
that:as
that:I
that:can.
that:I
that:want
that:to
that:feel
that:power.
that:Either
that:my
that:power
that:over
that:him,
that:or
that:his
that:over
that:me.
that:I
that:need
that:to
that:feel
that:like
that:this
that:is a
that:life
that:or
that:death
that:situation
that:because
that:I
that:know
that:it
that:is.
that:Outside of this
that:horrible
that:aluminium
that:shitbox,
that:these
that:arseholes
that:would
that:empty
that:full
that:clips
that:into
that:both
that:of
that:us
that:if
that:they saw or heard
that:any
that:of
that:this.
that:I
that:needed
that:this
that:to
that:feel
that:so
that:powerful
that:I’d
that:die
that:for
that:it.
that:Because
that:in
that:my
that:mind,
that:there
that:was
that:a
that:good
that:chance
that:I
that:would.
My
headache
that:begins
that:to
that:ease. I
that:try
that:and
that:fight
that:the
that:feelings
that:that
that:come,
that:but…
that:I
that:can’t
that:resist
that:them anymore.
that:His
that:dick
that:in
that:my
that:mouth
that:feels
that:so…
that:good.
that:It’s
that:big and it’s hot and it’s thick and it’s bad and I
that:shouldn’t
that:and
that:it’s…
that:the
that:best
that:thing
that:that’s
that:ever
that:happened
that:to
that:me.
As
I
that:suck,
that:I
that:feel
that:his
that:paws
that:grab
that:my
that:head.
that:His
that:touch is
that:firm,
that:but
that:soft.
I
try
that:and
that:summon
that:my
that:machismo,
that:but
that:it’s
that:gone.
that:I’m
that:crying
that:and
that:I’m
that:comfortable.
At
last,
that:I
that:suck harder,
that:slamming
that:my
that:head
that:into
that:his
that:hips
that:in
that:a
that:fruitless
that:effort
that:to
that:drive
that:those
that:feelings
that:away.
that:Those
that:lies.
that:Those
that:damn
that:fucking
that:lies.
But
it’s
that:too
that:late.
I
don’t
that:just
that:care
that:about
that:him.
I
love
that:him.
A fist slams into the door in three hard knocks.
I
freeze,
that:hoping
that:it’s a
that:coincidence.
The
knocking
that:repeats.
“Thomas!
Wake
that:up!
that:Get
that:out
that:here
that:now!”
We’re
going
that:to
that:die.
---
My
life
that:flashes
that:before
that:my
that:eyes.
Thomas
stands
that:up
that:in
that:one
that:fluid
that:motion.
that:He
that:shoves
that:my
that:clothes
that:into
that:my
that:paws,
that:then
that:pushes
that:me
that:into
that:a
that:closet.
I
pull
that:the
that:door
that:closed
that:behind
that:me
that:and
that:peak
that:through
that:the
that:crack.
“Alright,
alright,
that:I’m
that:awake!”
that:He
that:shouts,
that:wiping
that:his
that:muzzle
that:and
that:pulling
that:on
that:his
that:briefs.
that:He
that:finally opens the door.
“We’re fucked, we’re
finished.”
that:A
that:man
that:sternly
that:informs
that:him. “Anatolli
that:hit a GTU car and
that:punted
that:the
that:fucking
that:thing
that:off
that:at
that:the
that:chicane.
that:The
that:cars
that:fucking
that:totalled.”
“Shall
I
that:suit
that:up?”
“I
just
that:fucking
that:told
that:you,
that:we’re
that:done.”
The
door
that:slammed
that:shut
that:and
that:for
that:a
that:moment
that:there
that:was
that:only
that:the
that:distant
that:sound
that:of
that:more
that:cars
that:orbiting
that:the
that:circuit.
“You
can
that:come
that:out
that:if
that:you
that:want.”
that:Thomas
that:whispered.
“Finally,
a
that:closet
that:I
that:can
that:leave.”
that:I
that:grunted,
that:stepping
that:free.
He
sits
that:down
that:on
that:his
that:bed
that:and
that:I
that:stand
that:naked.
that:He’s
that:soft,
that:and
that:so
that:am
that:I.
“We
can…
that:y’know…”
that:I
that:began. “Keep
that:going.”
“I’m
sorry.”
that:He
that:whimpers.
“For
what?”
He
looks
that:me
that:in
that:the
that:eye. “For
that:using
that:you.
that:For
that:getting all
that:my
that:pain
that:and
that:anger
that:out
that:on
that:you.
that:For
that:using
that:you
that:to
that:get
that:over
that:my
that:feelings.”
that:He
that:said. “You’re
that:the
that:only
that:man
that:I
that:have
that:and
that:I’ve
that:treated
that:you
that:so
that:badly.”
“Oh
no.”
that:I
that:protest. “No
that:no
that:no,
that:what
that:was
that:the
that:first
that:fucking
that:rule
that:of
that:us
that:doing
that:this?”
that:I
that:growled. “You
that:promised
that:I
that:would
that:be
that:nothing
that:but
that:a
that:fucktoy
that:to
that:you!”
“Well
I
that:was
that:wrong!”
that:He
that:snarls. “I
that:love
that:you.
that:I
that:can’t
that:run
that:from
that:it
that:any more.
that:I
that:don’t
that:care
that:what
that:you
that:do,
that:but
that:I
that:can’t
that:lie
that:about
that:this
that:any
that:longer.
that:If
that:you
that:walk
that:out,
that:if
that:you
that:stay,
that:if
that:you
that:fuck
that:me,
that:if
that:you
that:hurt
that:me.”
that:His
that:eyes
that:bury
that:into
that:my
that:own,
that:but
that:I
that:look
that:away. “You’re
that:the
that:only
that:man
that:I
that:trust.
that:The
that:only
that:man
that:I
that:love.
that:The
that:only
that:man
that:who
that:knows
that:what
that:I
that:have
that:to
that:lose,
that:what
that:I
that:have
that:to
that:risk
that:just
that:to
that:be
that:who
that:I
that:am.”
“We
had
that:a deal.”
that:I
that:bottle
that:my
that:feelings
that:as
that:best
that:I
that:can.
“I
know.”
that:He
that:whispers. “I’m
that:sorry.”
“You
nearly
that:got
that:us
that:killed
that:once
that:tonight,
that:asshole.
that:I’m
that:not
that:gonna to
that:let
that:it
that:be
that:twice.”
that:I
that:start
that:getting
that:dressed,
that:my
that:guts
that:starting
that:to
that:heave. “I’m
that:leaving.
that:For
that:your
that:sake
that:as
that:well
that:as
that:mine.”
“What
good
that:is
that:safety
that:if
that:you
that:spend
that:it
that:without
that:the
that:only
that:thing
that:you
that:really want?”
that:He
that:asked. “We could
that:quit,
that:run
that:away and
that:spend
that:all
that:our
that:years
that:making
that:love
that:to
that:each
that:other.
that:Somewhere where
that:they
that:won’t
that:shoot
that:us
that:dead.”
“Where?”
I
that:ask,
that:finally
that:looking
that:at
that:him
that:again. “Where
that:in
that:the
that:world
that:could
that:we
that:go
that:that’d
that:see
that:us
that:as
that:people,
that:huh?”
His
wet,
that:empty
that:eyes
that:meet
that:mine,
that:then
that:he
that:lowers
that:his
that:head
that:again.
“Exactly.
There
that:ain’t
that:a
that:fuckin’
that:country
that:on
that:earth that
that:gives
that:a
that:shit
that:about
that:people
that:like
that:us.”
that:I
that:tell
that:him,
that:walking
that:to
that:the
that:door. “Forget
that:me.
that:And
that:I’ll
that:forget
that:you.”
that:I
that:lied.
---
Sunday 26th April 1992.
An undisclosed
hotel
that:room,
that:Monza,
that:Italy
Cocaine
doesn’t
that:fix
that:everything.
But
a
that:good
that:man
that:would.
Shame
I
that:sent
that:the
that:best
that:one
that:away.
I
watch
that:the
that:small
that:TV
that:in
that:the
that:corner
that:of
that:my
that:room.
It’s
all
that:in
that:Italian,
that:of
that:which
that:I
that:only
that:know
that:next
that:to
that:none.
that:But
that:I
that:can
that:tell
that:which
that:car
that:Thomas
that:is
that:driving.
that:Every
that:time
that:it
that:follows it,
that:a
that:little
that:graphic
that:pops
that:up
that:with
that:his
that:name
that:and
that:a
that:portrait
that:of his
that:pretty
that:face
that:next
that:to
that:it.
The
first
that:few
that:lines
that:of
that:coke
that:blotted
that:out
that:the
that:sound
that:of
that:the
that:band
that:breaking
that:up
that:a
that:few
that:doors
that:down
that:the
that:hall.
that:Dropped
that:by
that:the
that:label.
that:Just
that:the
that:way
that:I’d dropped
that:my
that:man.
Now
I
that:knew
that:how
that:it
that:felt.
It
was
that:hard
that:to
that:find
that:information
that:about
that:Thomas.
that:He’s
that:not
that:that
that:well-recognised a
that:sports
that:personality.
that:This
that:thing,
that:World
that:Sports
that:Car
that:Championship…
that:or
that:was
that:it
that:Sports
that:Car
that:World
that:Championship…
that:whatever
that:it
that:was,
that:didn’t
that:make
that:front-page
that:news.
that:Either
that:way.
that:I had
that:read
that:all
that:I
that:could
that:about
that:him
that:in
that:the
that:small
that:columns.
I
wanted
that:to
that:know
that:if
that:he
that:still
that:loved
that:me. I
that:wanted
that:to
that:know
that:if
that:I
that:could
that:say
that:sorry.
that:If
that:I
that:could
that:take
that:it
that:all
that:back.
that:Still
that:sacrifice
that:this
that:awful
that:life
that:I
that:lead
that:now
that:for
that:that
that:of
that:danger
that:and
that:his
that:love.
In
all
that:his
that:interviews,
that:he
that:never
that:mentioned
that:love
that:once.
that:As
that:far
that:as
that:I
that:could
that:tell,
that:he
that:was
that:still
that:single, but
that:too
that:old
that:now
that:to
that:be
that:an
that:eligible
that:bachelor.
that:Now
that:in
that:our
that:early
that:forties,
that:we were
that:both
that:curiosities.
that:Two
that:single
that:men
that:who
that:must
that:have
that:wives
that:somewhere,
that:right?
Another
swig
that:of
that:bourbon.
that:Maybe
that:I’d
that:be
that:able
that:to
that:ring
that:him
that:up
that:after
that:the
that:race.
that:Find
that:his
that:number,
that:tell
that:him
that:I
that:loved him.
that:That
that:its
that:my
that:fault,
that:that
that:I
that:regret
that:every
that:day
that:we’re
that:apart.
I
feel
that:sick.
I
look
that:back
that:to
that:the
that:telly.
that:The
that:room
that:spins
that:a
that:little
that:more
that:now.
I
watch
that:the
that:pictures.
Wh…
what
that:just...
The
commentators
that:are
that:shrieking
that:and
that:shouting.
The
car
that:my
that:leopard
that:is
that:in
that:isn’t
that:on
that:the
that:track
that:anymore.
It’s
upside
that:down.
There’s
fire
that:coming
that:out
that:of
that:it.
It’s…
oh
that:my
that:god.
I
get
that:to
that:my
that:feet,
that:but
that:my
that:feet
that:give
that:way.
I
stare
that:up
that:at
that:the
that:TV
that:as
that:people
that:swarm
that:the
that:burning
that:car,
that:trying
that:to
that:pull
that:the
that:driver
that:out
that:of
that:it.
It’s
him.
I
struggle to
that:my
that:feet.
He’s
going
that:to
that:die
that:in
that:there.
I
reach
that:for
that:the
that:phone
that:but
that:I
that:fall
that:onto
that:the
that:mirror
that:with
that:the
that:drug on.
No, don’t sniff… oh god.
As
that:the
that:powder
that:shoots
that:up
that:my
that:nose,
that:I
that:know
that:I’ve
that:made
that:one
that:last
that:terrible
that:mistake.
Not
like
that:this.
Anything
but
that:this.
Help.
Please.
The…
phone.
Room…
service.
Got it.
G… got…
---
Tuesday 28th April 1992.
An undisclosed hospital,
Monza,
that:Italy
I
didn’t
that:realise
that:how
that:much
that:I
that:hated
that:staying
that:still
that:until
that:I
that:had
that:to
that:do
that:it.
Of
the
that:crash,
that:I
that:remember
that:driving
that:down
that:towards
that:the
that:Parabolica, braking
that:hard,
that:and
that:feeling
that:something
that:shatter
that:under
that:my
that:foot. Then
that:I
that:remember
that:the
that:impact.
that:Being
that:upside-down,
that:smelling
that:fuel.
that:Then
that:fire.
that:Then
that:nothing.
I’ve
been
that:awake
that:since
that:Sunday
that:evening.
that:This is
that:the
that:first
that:day
that:that
that:I’m
that:trying
that:the
that:under-appreciated
that:art
that:of “walking”.
I
sit
that:up
that:on
that:the
that:side
that:of
that:the
that:bed.
that:The
that:nurse
that:hands
that:me
that:crutches,
that:and
that:I
that:hobble to
that:my
that:feet.
that:My
that:left
that:leg’s
that:broken,
that:but
that:that will
that:heal.
that:As
that:will
that:the
that:burns.
that:My
that:concussion,
that:well
that:that
that:won’t.
I
creep
that:my way
that:out
that:of
that:the
that:room,
that:with
that:the
that:nurse
that:watching me
that:closely.
I
kept
that:moving,
that:my
that:strength
that:faltering
that:just
that:in
that:time
that:for
that:me
that:to
that:sit
that:down
that:in one of
that:the
that:waiting
that:rooms.
I’m in a lot of
pain,
that:but
that:a smile
that:finds
that:its
that:way
that:onto
that:my
that:face.
that:We’re
that:moving,
that:Thomas.
that:We’re
that:moving.
I
sit
that:for
that:a
that:moment
that:and take
that:in
that:the
that:room.
A
few
that:nurses
that:enter
that:the
that:room,
that:leading
that:behind
that:them
that:a…
that:golden
that:retriever.
Mother of
god.
“What
the
that:hell
that:are
that:you
that:doing
that:here?”
that:I
that:ask.
Randy
looks
that:at
that:me
that:with
that:wide
that:eyes. “You…
that:you
that:survived?”
The
nurse
that:presses
that:him
that:down
that:onto
that:the
that:chair
that:next
that:to
that:me.
“Yes,
I…
that:had
that:a
that:small
that:accident.
that:What
that:happened
that:to
that:you?”
He
stared
that:down
that:at
that:his
that:hands. “I
that:made
that:some…
that:poor
that:choices.”
that:He
that:says. “About
that:some
that:things
that:I
that:put
that:in
that:my
that:body.”
“Do
you
that:someone
that:to
that:help
that:get you
that:home?”
that:I
that:ask.
He
raises
that:his
that:head and
that:looks
that:at
that:me. “Do
that:you?”
I
go
that:to
that:answer,
that:but
that:I
that:realise we’re
that:being
that:watched.
There’s a
woman
that:sat
that:opposite,
that:holding a
that:newspaper.
that:She’s
that:looking
that:between
that:it,
that:and
that:the
that:two
that:of
that:us.
I
start
that:to
that:feel
that:sick
that:again.
I
start
that:to
that:feel
that:like I’m
that:still
that:in that
that:burning
that:car.
No…
that’s
that:impossible.
But
as
that:the
that:newspaper
that:is
that:passed
that:over
that:the
that:table, the
that:doubt
that:is
that:all
that:gone.
It
looked
that:exactly
that:how
that:I
that:imagined
that:it
that:would.
A
picture
that:of
that:me.
A
picture
that:of
that:him.
A
headline.
I
didn’t
that:know
that:much
that:Italian.
But I knew
enough
that:for
that:that.
This
was
that:the
that:first
that:of
that:two
that:parts
that:of “Shame
that:and
that:Desperation
that:Will
that:Kill
that:You
that:Someday”
that:by
that:Pascal Farful,
that:read
that:for
that:you by Rob MacWolf,
that:werewolf
that:hitchhiker.
that:Tune
that:in
that:next
that:time
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