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“Unseelie Pie” by Bill Ricardi
Today’s story is “Unseelie Pie” by Bill Ricardi, author of Another Stupid Trilogy and The Ihy Saga. You can find more of his stories on https://www.billricardi.com
Read for you by Khaki, your faithful fireside companion.
Transcript
You’re listening to The Voice of Dog. I’m Khaki,
Speaker:your faithful fireside companion,
Speaker:and today’s story is
Speaker:“Unseelie Pie” by Bill Ricardi,
Speaker:author of Another Stupid Trilogy
Speaker:and The Ihy Saga. You can find more of his stories on https://www.
https://www.billricardi.com
Please enjoy:Unseelie Pie
Please enjoy:A story from Our Seelie World
Please enjoy:By Bill Ricardi
Please enjoy:Mom never told me that fairies got so hungry.
Please enjoy:I’m sure she had her reasons.
Please enjoy:I mean, she probably didn’t wanna worry me, right?
Please enjoy:After all, I was just seven years old when she started to teach me how to cook.
Simple stuff:Hard boiled eggs, grilled cheese, flat bread.
Simple stuff:I was good. I mean, she said so.
Simple stuff:But that’s what all moms say, I guess.
Simple stuff:By the time I was ten, she had a new word for me.
Simple stuff:Better than just good.
Simple stuff:She called me a ‘prodigy’.
Simple stuff:I think that means ‘super awesome cook’. I learned the normal stuff that ten year olds learn in the kitchen…
Simple stuff:soufflé, mole rojo, coq au vin, pad Thai. You know, the basics.
Simple stuff:With that simple stuff out of the way, mom started to show me real recipes.
Simple stuff:Enchanted honey
Simple stuff:and chamomile tea, like they use in the love rituals.
Simple stuff:Nutmeg, will-o-wisp, and basil cookies for protection during a full moon.
Simple stuff:Cinnamon and lavender bonbons to help the treasure hunters.
Simple stuff:Lots of folks wanted to try my ritual cooking.
Simple stuff:When they came back and told mom that it worked real good for them,
Simple stuff:we started charging money.
Simple stuff:Just so we could get better ingredients, of course.
Simple stuff:That’s when I learned about the fae folk…
Simple stuff:shapeshifters, sprites, and the friendlier monsters.
Simple stuff:They had the best magical fruits and herbs.
Simple stuff:Sometimes they took coins.
Simple stuff:Sometimes, favours.
Simple stuff:One night, after mom came back from wine tasting, she told me where dad had been for my whole life.
Simple stuff:See, he made a deal with the fairies.
Simple stuff:And not just any fairies…
Simple stuff:the Unseelie
Simple stuff:ones. They were the bad critters.
Simple stuff:Well. Not always bad.
Simple stuff:But wild. They liked to gamble,
Simple stuff:and they got mad real easy.
Simple stuff:Anyway, dad bet that he could outcook some great dragon chef.
Simple stuff:He lost though. So now he cooks for the Unseelie fae all the time,
Simple stuff:and he can’t come home.
Simple stuff:Mom said some really bad things about him,
Simple stuff:but the next morning she said
Simple stuff:‘it was the wine talking’.
Simple stuff:Weird. I still don’t know what spell to use to make that kind of talking wine.
Simple stuff:Mom said I needed to be ready, just in case. So the next couple years, I not only made stuff for mom to sell,
Simple stuff:but I also learned how to cook for fairies.
Simple stuff:I learned about smaller portions,
Simple stuff:and magical fae spices, and the special ingredients you need to make their holiday food.
Simple stuff:One day, I cooked for a super special visitor:
Simple stuff:Glenfylidus, a prince of the dark elves from a far off land.
Simple stuff:I dunno why, but mom was nervous.
Simple stuff:It was silly, because I never messed up the Samhain cake!
Simple stuff:Glenfylidus loved it.
Simple stuff:He kissed me on the forehead and told me I could have one recipe from his collection, whenever I wanted.
Simple stuff:I thanked him and said I would think about what I needed to learn.
Simple stuff:Then, it happened.
Simple stuff:It was my twelfth birthday. We were making my orange-chocolate cake when mom started bawling.
Simple stuff:I asked her what was wrong.
Simple stuff:She told me after I bugged her for, like, an hour.
Simple stuff:The deal that dad made with the fae was gonna end. And that
Simple stuff:meant bad stuff for dad.
Simple stuff:She didn’t wanna say nothin’,
Simple stuff:but I made her. The local fairy princess, Melefenarix, visited her the night before.
Simple stuff:She heard about my cooking,
Simple stuff:and offered mom a deal:
Simple stuff:I could cook for the royal fae,
Simple stuff:and grow up in the Unseelie Court.
Simple stuff:Or they’d just eat dad at the next big feast, and the whole thing would be over.
Simple stuff:Now, I didn’t know dad at all.
Simple stuff:He wasn’t around when I was little.
Simple stuff:But mom looked so sad when she told me that he was gonna get ate.
Simple stuff:Even though she called him a ‘lousy good-for-nothing’, and even though the wine said terrible things about him…
Simple stuff:I could tell she still loved him.
Simple stuff:So I was gonna save him.
Simple stuff:“You wanna see dad again?”
Simple stuff:Mom nodded, real slow.
Simple stuff:I asked, “Okay. Can I meet with the fairy princess?”
Simple stuff:She started to say something… but
Simple stuff:words wouldn’t come out.
Simple stuff:I guess she wasn’t allowed to say ‘no’.
Simple stuff:I said, “Come on, at least invite Melefenarix to my birthday party.”
Simple stuff:She looked ashamed and a little scared, but she agreed. Guests
Simple stuff:were cool. My party was just gonna be me and mom.
Simple stuff:I had school friends, but I never wanted them around too much. They were so…
Simple stuff:normal. I would’ve invited the treasure hunters and cave divers, but they were out on adventures.
Simple stuff:So I thought inviting Melefenarix would make things funner.
Simple stuff:Golly, I was wrong about that.
Simple stuff:Melefenarix was the opposite of fun.
Simple stuff:As soon as she flew into the room, everything got dark.
Simple stuff:She was only a foot tall, but acted like she was the biggest person in the room.
Simple stuff:She poked at everything with her long, black claws.
Simple stuff:Her gossamer wings left little trails of dust everywhere.
Simple stuff:She didn’t even say hello to me or wish me a happy birthday!
Simple stuff:“Mortals, you are now in the presence of Melefenarix, Unseelie Princess of Bath,
Simple stuff:Magus of the Arts Unfathomable,
Simple stuff:Daughter of She Who Devours.
Simple stuff:You may bow.” We did.
Simple stuff:Then she snapped her fingers.
Simple stuff:“Duncan. Bring the boy’s gift.”
Simple stuff:A tall, shaggy werewolf bullied his way through the front door of our cottage.
Simple stuff:His fur was wild and gray, and he was almost too tall for our ceiling!
Simple stuff:I guess he was named Duncan… what
Simple stuff:a silly name for a wolf.
Simple stuff:If he was my gift,
Simple stuff:he would have been a strange, angry,
Simple stuff:but pretty cool one. Then I noticed something weird.
Simple stuff:The werewolf held a little white silk leash.
Simple stuff:An unfriendly tug brought my real present staggering into the room.
Simple stuff:He looked like me.
Simple stuff:Bigger, taller. A lot more scared.
Simple stuff:Haunted. But he had my brown eyes and russet skin.
Simple stuff:He was super scrawny, at least compared to me and my cooking tummy. One look at mom and I knew: This was my dad. I couldn’t imagine
Simple stuff:her looking at anyone else that way.
Simple stuff:The strangely familiar man said,
Simple stuff:“No, please. Not them!”
Simple stuff:Almost at the same time, mom said,
Simple stuff:“Why are you doing this to us?!”
Simple stuff:But Melefenarix ignored them.
Simple stuff:She fluttered right up to me and said, “Your present, dear boy, is to share your father’s
Simple stuff:final meal. That is, of course, unless you choose to take his place.”
Simple stuff:I told her, “Dunno if I will or not.
Simple stuff:Let’s eat while I think it over.”
Simple stuff:The fairy looked surprised.
Simple stuff:I guess she expected me to be frightened.
Simple stuff:But that never really happened to me.
Simple stuff:By the second course,
Simple stuff:I knew I’d trade places with my dad.
Simple stuff:He seemed kind, and so worried about me and mom.
Simple stuff:Besides, they only wanted me for four years, four months, and four days.
Simple stuff:It wasn’t forever or nothin’.
Simple stuff:After we all had our cake, I kissed mom goodbye and told her I’d visit as soon as I could.
Simple stuff:The mean princess cut our goodbye short.
Simple stuff:“Duncan. Bring him, we’re
Simple stuff:done here.” The shaggy wolf tied the silk collar around my neck.
Simple stuff:Then I was led off into the night.
Simple stuff:We entered the woods,
Simple stuff:and soon stepped into a glowing ring of toadstools, all purples and pinks.
Simple stuff:Everything became blurry.
Simple stuff:Then I was home. ---
Simple stuff:Not my home of course.
Simple stuff:Duncan’s home.
Simple stuff:Or den, I guess. He lived in the pantry cave, somewhere between the button mushrooms and the rock tripe.
Simple stuff:I lived upstairs,
Simple stuff:next to the most amazing kitchen in the world!
Simple stuff:It had everything:
Simple stuff:A huge sous vide machine.
Simple stuff:A pixie dust collector.
Simple stuff:Dragonscale knives.
Simple stuff:A FaeMaster 500 food processor. Even a walk-in freezer.
Simple stuff:I signed my service contract, in blood of course.
Simple stuff:Soon after, I was planning my first banquet for Melefenarix and her royal court.
Simple stuff:I went with enchanted gooseberries,
Simple stuff:a chattering cheesecake, and battered rabbit en papillote.
Simple stuff:It was a big hit!
Simple stuff:The fairies and fanged puffins and kobolds and dryads and goblins all loved my dishes.
Simple stuff:But the next banquet was harder.
Simple stuff:They wanted more.
Simple stuff:I thought it was impossible for such small things to eat so much. But their bellies never got full.
Simple stuff:It took me ten hours to fix all the food, the second time around.
Simple stuff:I asked Duncan to help me in the kitchen.
Simple stuff:He complained to the princess, but Melefenarix told him to do what I say.
Simple stuff:And the grumbling werewolf did.
Simple stuff:Still. The next banquet took me eleven hours.
Simple stuff:And the next twelve.
Simple stuff:That’s when I got what was going on:
Simple stuff:They didn’t need me for four years, four months, and four days.
Simple stuff:They were gonna work me to death way before my contract ended.
Simple stuff:I needed a plan. “Duncan!”
Simple stuff:The big werewolf loped upstairs. “Whatcha
Simple stuff:want?”
Simple stuff:“I need you to deliver a message for me.” “Ain’t yer mailman, kid.”
Simple stuff:I explained, “I think I can get us outta here.
Simple stuff:Both of us, free and clear.
Simple stuff:But I can’t do it without you.”
Simple stuff:The beast scowled,
Simple stuff:“Why’re you tellin’ me this?!
Simple stuff:She’ll skin us both alive if she thinks we’re
Simple stuff:plottin’.” “Because you want freedom.
Simple stuff:And yer my only friend in this place.”
Simple stuff:He folded his arms across that broad, fuzzy chest.
Simple stuff:“Not yer friend.” I smiled.
Simple stuff:“Yeah, you are.” He barked,
Simple stuff:“What makes you think that, man-whelp?”
Simple stuff:“If you weren’t, you’d march out that door and tell Melefenarix that I’m out to get her.”
Simple stuff:I waited. A dozen expressions crossed over his fuzzy face.
Simple stuff:Still, he didn’t move. Then he snarled,
Simple stuff:“What’s the message?”
Simple stuff:When his task was complete, I started my plan.
Simple stuff:I got a brand new recipe, requested from Glenfylidus himself.
Simple stuff:It was payment for the dark elf’s lingering boon.
Simple stuff:I learned every detail by heart.
Simple stuff:And I made Duncan learn too, so that when stuff got crazy, neither of us would hesitate.
Simple stuff:Soon I was summoned before the Unseelie Court.
Simple stuff:Duncan escorted me, silk leash attached. Melefenarix flitted around her throne of bones and apple cores.
Simple stuff:She was real nervous,
Simple stuff:I could tell by the high pitched whir of her wings.
Simple stuff:Her goblins and evil puffins shrank away from her in fear.
Simple stuff:“The dragon prince is coming!”
Simple stuff:Of course he was.
Simple stuff:Glenfylidus came through for me.
Simple stuff:I bowed to my princess.
Simple stuff:“What lovely news.”
Simple stuff:She hissed, “No, no you little idiot!
Simple stuff:We weren’t prepared for this.
Simple stuff:Our coffers are low, we cannot make a proper offering.
Simple stuff:We need to impress him with a feast.”
Simple stuff:I paused. Then I said,
Simple stuff:“Well… I did just get a cool recipe from an old friend. Do you
Simple stuff:know Glenfylidus?”
Simple stuff:“Of course I know the dark
Simple stuff:elf prince, you moppet.
Simple stuff:You have one of his mythic recipes?”
Simple stuff:“He gave me secret knowledge
Simple stuff:of an ancient dish:
Simple stuff:Unseelie Pie. It’s filled with dark magic and wonder.”
Simple stuff:Melefenarix snapped,
Simple stuff:“Prince Jelovian will be here tomorrow evening.
Simple stuff:You must start immediately.”
Simple stuff:I murmured, “Some of the ingredients are super dangerous.
Simple stuff:A small, weak boy like me can’t collect what we need.”
Simple stuff:“Duncan!” The werewolf snarled,
Simple stuff:“My princess?” Melefenarix pointed a tiny claw at his muzzle.
Simple stuff:“I order you to collect these ingredients for the boy.
Simple stuff:You will do this,
Simple stuff:on pain of death!”
Simple stuff:Duncan let my silk leash drop.
Simple stuff:A mean looking grin crept over his maw.
Simple stuff:All teeth and drool.
Simple stuff:“Oh… it would very much be my pleasure, mistress.”
Simple stuff:I did my best to ignore Duncan as he
Simple stuff:‘collected the ingredients’.
Simple stuff:Melefenarix’s final cry ended quickly.
Simple stuff:And fanged puffins just popped like overfilled balloons.
Simple stuff:But the goblins, golly could they scream. ---
Simple stuff:It took me all night to bake the Unseelie Pie, stuffed to the brim with the evil fae that Duncan and I once served…
Simple stuff:and would 'serve' just once more, I guess.
Simple stuff:I heated the oven with dancing fire elementals.
Simple stuff:My eyes were drooping by the time the crust started to brown.
Simple stuff:I felt a big paw on my shoulder.
Simple stuff:Duncan rumbled, “Rest.
Simple stuff:I’ll keep it warm an’ wake ya when he comes.”
Simple stuff:I woke just in time to serve Prince Jelovian, who landed right on time.
Simple stuff:The big black dragon was starving from his flight.
Simple stuff:He ate every last scrap of the Unseelie Pie,
Simple stuff:tail wagging happily.
Simple stuff:“Delicious, young man.
Simple stuff:You have truly earned my boon.”
Simple stuff:I said, “I think, sir,
Simple stuff:that Duncan and I just wanna go home.”
Simple stuff:The dragon looked around at the blood drenched forest clearing.
Simple stuff:Fae bits were everywhere.
Simple stuff:“Ah. Yes, that might be wise.
Simple stuff:You two are free of all bonds, then.
Simple stuff:Safe travel.” We wished the prince well,
Simple stuff:watching him fly off into the moonlit night,
Simple stuff:wobbling slightly from the bulge in his tummy.
Simple stuff:I packed up what I could carry.
Simple stuff:I’d miss the grand kitchen…
Simple stuff:but I wouldn’t miss the long nights of serving a mean old fairy.
Simple stuff:I walked to the mushroom circle with a spring in my step.
Simple stuff:It’d be so much fun getting to know dad!
Simple stuff:We could share recipes, and learn to be a whole family again.
Simple stuff:I felt warm, nervous fingers squeeze my hand.
Simple stuff:I whispered, "It's okay."
Simple stuff:Yup, one big happy family.
Simple stuff:Though I might have to explain to mom how to cook for a werewolf.
Simple stuff:This was “Unseelie Pie”
Simple stuff:by Bill Ricardi,
Simple stuff:read for you by Khaki,
Simple stuff:your faithful fireside companion.
Simple stuff:Thank you for listening
Simple stuff:to The Voice of Dog
