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“No Peas In My Garden” by Dan Leinir Turthra Jensen
"Church of England ordering artificial people to work as assistant curates isn't received well; sometimes it takes a child to see through the nonsense."
Today's story is “No Peas In My Garden” by Dan Leinir Turthra Jensen, or just leinir, who can usually be found relaxing in the English Midlands, where they split their time between cooking usually delicious food, writing various bits of social realism and science fiction, or creating free and open source software in the KDE project.
Sometimes all three happen at the same time, and they tell me that sci fi epic they’ve been working on the last most of a decade is getting closer to wrapping up. While waiting for that to land, if you would like more after this one, you can find more of their stories in the anthologies found on their GoodReads profile. This story in particular can be found in Arcana, and like all the stories in that anthology it is based on a card from the Major Arcana. In this case card number seventeen, The Star.
Read for you by Khaki, your faithful fireside companion.
Transcript
You’re listening to The Voice of Dog.
Speaker:I’m Khaki, your faithful fireside companion,
Speaker:and today’s story is
Speaker:“No Peas In My Garden”
Speaker:by Dan Leinir Turthra Jensen,
Speaker:or just leinir,
Speaker:who can usually be found relaxing in the English Midlands,
Speaker:where they split their time between cooking
Speaker:usually delicious food,
Speaker:writing various bits of social realism and science fiction,
Speaker:or creating free and open source software
Speaker:in the KDE project.
Speaker:Sometimes all three happen at the same time, and they tell me that sci fi epic they’ve been working on the last most of a decade is getting closer to wrapping up.
Speaker:While waiting for that to land, if you would like more after this one, you can find more of their stories in the anthologies found on their GoodReads profile.
Speaker:This story in particular can be found in Arcana,
Speaker:and like all the stories in that anthology
Speaker:it is based on a card from the Major Arcana.
Speaker:In this case card number seventeen,
Speaker:The Star. Please enjoy:
Speaker:“No Peas In My Garden”
Speaker:by Dan Leinir Turthra Jensen
Speaker:"We can't just keep it bolted,"
Speaker:she says. I'm not sure I am ever going to get used to the way Lucia speaks.
Speaker:It is not so much a lisp as a mix of that and sibilant growls.
Speaker:Her body is slender and lean, and it is hard to imagine something so deep and coarse emerging from a person
Speaker:that shape. "What do you mean?"
Speaker:I ask her. Her ears are splayed in what I know to be a show of deference.
Speaker:Even if I had not read that part of the manuals on emotional displays of her kind,
Speaker:I have no doubt that her tail twitching so hard it makes the back of her skirt move around
Speaker:is meant to reinforce this impression.
Speaker:She looks up at the heavily illustrated vault of the nave
Speaker:and turns around slowly, and I follow her line of sight.
Speaker:Her leonine muzzle is perhaps not very long,
Speaker:but it is pointed and helps me see what she is looking at, although I cannot see her eyes.
Speaker:Even if I could not, though, I am unsurprised to find that her attention is drawn to a particular part of the ceiling.
Speaker:"Even them will I bring to my holy mountain,"
Speaker:she says in that inhumanly powerful voice of hers,
Speaker:"and make them joyful in my house of prayer:
Speaker:their burnt-offerings and their sacrifices shall be accepted upon my altar;
Speaker:for my house shall be called
Speaker:a house of prayer
Speaker:for all people." "For all people,"
Speaker:I confirm with a nod.
Speaker:After a moment of perhaps not entirely comfortable silence between us,
Speaker:I sigh and continue.
Speaker:"These people want to make you their sacrifice, though.
Speaker:I know what you mean,
Speaker:and of course you are right, we cannot deny anyone who believes their God given right to be in His house.
Speaker:That doesn't mean you should necessarily throw yourself
Speaker:on their pitchforks, you know?"
Speaker:She was an experiment to them.
Speaker:The Church had ordered her to try and see if her kind might be useful as servants of God.
Speaker:The high council had decreed that as
Speaker:all creation was God's work, so were the Nhabs.
Speaker:They might be constructed by putting together genes in a sequencing machine,
Speaker:and grown in artificial wombs, but the process is no more than a
Speaker:more high tech version
Speaker:of what monks and priests have done for centuries.
Speaker:The concept of genetics itself, after all,
Speaker:was made possible in no small part
Speaker:thanks to a priest's work on peas.
Speaker:Working to assist in His work,
Speaker:growing and preserving both plants and animals; many types of grain and other foods,
Speaker:a multitude of herbs and beautiful plants -
Speaker:even many medicines,
Speaker:none of which would exist
Speaker:had it not been for the work these men of God had done.
Speaker:"No serfs in the church!"
Speaker:comes the a shout from the other side of the door I am leaning against to hold it shut,
Speaker:followed by a chorus of less clear but supporting shouts.
Speaker:It reminds me, with a jolt, that the reason we are both here right now is that not everybody agrees with that interpretation.
Speaker:I feel like it is partly my fault.
Speaker:I am their priest,
Speaker:and over the years,
Speaker:Lucia has helped me to realise, I have not been as good a teacher as perhaps I could have been.
Speaker:As I should have been.
Speaker:"I know..." she whispers,
Speaker:and turns back to face me with a closed lipped smile before continuing.
Speaker:"I know they are not too happy about me being your assistant curate. They are still all faithful, though. Our congregation.
Speaker:They would not be here if they did not believe.
Speaker:believe." The deep gold of her eyes
Speaker:glistens in the light,
Speaker:but while her ears are upright again, I am quite certain the darkening of the short fur at the corners of those striking eyes
Speaker:is not from tears of happiness.
Speaker:I sigh and nod. I do not speak, for fear that my voice would fail me if I tried.
Speaker:As I turn away, I see her close her eyes
Speaker:and spread her arms as though to give blessing.
Speaker:I turn the key in the lock,
Speaker:and open the double doors, revealing a small crowd outside,
Speaker:maybe thirty or so people.
Speaker:A hush spreads across the mob.
Speaker:No. Not mob. She is right.
Speaker:I know them all from our services.
Speaker:This is our congregation.
Speaker:"Give that abomination to us, vicar!"
Speaker:one of them shouts.
Speaker:Ralph Hovel, a normally quiet man, who about half way through his statement seems to realise
Speaker:that it is very quiet
Speaker:and there is no longer a thick oak door between us.
Speaker:I lock my gaze on him for a moment,
Speaker:desperately trying to find something approaching
Speaker:a level headed response for that kind of proclamation.
Speaker:"I was going to lock the door," I say
Speaker:as I blink and slowly move my eyes from one person to the next.
Speaker:Few of them seem willing to meet my eyes as I do so,
Speaker:and a spark of hope ignites in my heart.
Speaker:The speaker, however, is still frowning angrily,
Speaker:and staring at me as though he hopes to set me on fire with the heat of his glare.
Speaker:"That abomination that you all seem so insistent on getting your hands on?
Speaker:She is the one who convinced me not to.
Speaker:It was me who tried to shield her from you, but she puts herself
Speaker:in the hands of the
Speaker:Lord." "Oh, let he who is without sin,"
Speaker:Ralph says, "is that what you're saying?
Speaker:Well, I for one haven't made any kind of use of any of these,
Speaker:these things! Shop down the corner got one and I go somewhere else, I can tell you that.
Speaker:Not going to be preached at by one of them."
Speaker:"No, Ralph," I say, and try to keep both my voice and my face calm as I look back at him again.
Speaker:It does seem to be fairly clear who the leader is here.
Speaker:"I would not start talking about those without sin.
Speaker:None of us have the right to throw those rocks.
Speaker:Some of us may try to consciously avoid places where Nhabs are used in public, like you say, Ralph,
Speaker:but we all reap the benefits of their existence.
Speaker:Products which exist now
Speaker:which would not without their tireless efforts,
Speaker:like the comms so many of you carry in your pockets or on your wrists.
Speaker:wrists." I notice that, as I mention this,
Speaker:Ralph very quickly tries to pull the sleeve of his jacket down over the popular piece of communications electronics
Speaker:strapped to his wrist.
Speaker:I make sure that he notices my glance shifting from his eyes to his wrist
Speaker:before I let it wander again between the eyes of the others.
Speaker:"So no, I am not talking about those who are sinless,
Speaker:because we all gain from them being here,"
Speaker:I say, because it would not help to point it out to the rest of his group.
Speaker:He would only become angrier,
Speaker:and that would not help with what would have to come next.
Speaker:It did not stop a few mumbled protests.
Speaker:"I am saying that it would be a terrible shame
Speaker:if she could help you learn things and you refused to let
Speaker:her. Things where I have failed you so completely as I clearly must have.
Speaker:have." The grumbling grows louder,
Speaker:and I turn my head to see that she has quietly walked up to stand beside me.
Speaker:Perhaps I am overly worried about them,
Speaker:but that it is only grumbling and not outright shouting or even a rush to try and get at her physically
Speaker:at least seems like a positive thing to me.
Speaker:"If you will let me,"
Speaker:she says, almost whispering,
Speaker:and with her head bowed, "I humbly
Speaker:request that I might speak for myself.
Speaker:If you decline, I shall leave myself at your mercy."
Speaker:"We don't want -" Ralph begins, but others shush him.
Speaker:"Let her talk," someone at the rear shouts,
Speaker:one of the butcher's boys I think. Yes, must be him.
Speaker:His brother is standing beside him,
Speaker:looking less sure that he agrees with his brother's statement.
Speaker:"I wanna hear her excuses.
Speaker:excuses." Not, perhaps, the most positive way to look at it,
Speaker:but it allows the others to agree.
Speaker:I notice a few more people joining the crowd as we stand there.
Speaker:One takes a picture with her comms
Speaker:and fiddles with it for a little while.
Speaker:Another, a family, seems to have just been walking past.
Speaker:"The church ordered my birth,"
Speaker:Lucia says, somewhat louder,
Speaker:which makes it easier to hear for those at the back,
Speaker:like the boy who said he wanted to hear what she had to say,
Speaker:whatever his particular reasons are for putting it the way he did.
Speaker:"But they did not design me.
Speaker:I know some of you think I came from humans playing God.
Speaker:That my mere existence is abomination.
Speaker:My species was chosen, but I can promise you,
Speaker:so much in me was not planned.
Speaker:I may have the fur and the head of a lion,
Speaker:but I look at myself in the mirror,
Speaker:and I see the little girl who played with the other children of fur and scales.
Speaker:I see the little girl who cried a waterfall when she once made another child bleed
Speaker:because she did not know the strength of her claws."
Speaker:"I do not have your experiences.
Speaker:I did not grow up with a family, in a village of lovely greenery
Speaker:and calmness. I was brought up among my own kind, in a facility which,
Speaker:while I now know the name,
Speaker:we really only knew of as the training centre.
Speaker:We never needed another name for it, because it was all we knew.
Speaker:I was given training which instilled in me not only a desire,
Speaker:but a need of purpose. We all were.
Speaker:This is what we are.
Speaker:Everything we are,
Speaker:and everything we do,
Speaker:is because of that need."
Speaker:"I find now, in standing before you, in knowing the word of God through the testaments,
Speaker:that I am the lucky one.
Speaker:I know why I exist,
Speaker:what I was made to do.
Speaker:All of you have had to find your way through life on your own.
Speaker:Even then, my purpose was, simply,
Speaker:to become a disciple,
Speaker:my life bound to serve in His name,
Speaker:to spread His word.
Speaker:I did not know, until now,
Speaker:what that purpose might truly be.
Speaker:Humans designed my teachings,
Speaker:the way humans built the scripture.
Speaker:God gave us his word through human hands.
Speaker:Human hands created the learning in my mind,
Speaker:and it is humans who let me drink
Speaker:deep of the Pierian spring.
Speaker:While my birth may be the work of man,
Speaker:I exist to be His servant.
Speaker:My purpose is to help His children,
Speaker:the same humans who brought me into life,
Speaker:into His glorious creation.
Speaker:My purpose is, if you will forgive such a brazen image,
Speaker:to be the lion who lies down with the calf.
Speaker:To be not a leader of men,
Speaker:but to be His instrument.
Speaker:To let the child lead me,
Speaker:and help them find peace.
Speaker:If my existence causes you such grief
Speaker:as to bring such harshness of language,
Speaker:and lets you find reason to bring tools of destruction such as you have today,
Speaker:then my purpose, my life itself,
Speaker:has been proved a failure
Speaker:even before it has truly begun.
Speaker:begun." I had not noticed
Speaker:those tools of destruction.
Speaker:She is right, though.
Speaker:I spot one man, the other of the butcher's sons,
Speaker:trying to hide a very sharp knife that he has, I expect,
Speaker:taken from his father's shop on the way out.
Speaker:I do not think his father will be too happy about that.
Speaker:I hope it will remain simply a son running off with his father's work tool, but it confirms my worries earlier were not misplaced,
Speaker:and this was more than simply a vocal group
Speaker:voicing their opinions in a public space.
Speaker:Silence had spread through the slowly growing crowd
Speaker:as she had spoken.
Speaker:The picture has, I expect,
Speaker:ended up going places on the local infonet,
Speaker:and I see the journalist who covers our village for the local news feed
Speaker:slyly sidling his way up to the woman who posted it.
Speaker:Perhaps the crowd is simply because of our new assistant curate,
Speaker:because it will be her first service.
Speaker:That is supposed to be two hours away yet, though,
Speaker:and we were just arriving to get ready for it when that first group showed up.
Speaker:No, they are here because there is nothing quite so exciting in a small village like ours
Speaker:than someone getting outraged.
Speaker:A group of no less than thirty getting outraged enough to call for someone's life will draw attention,
Speaker:even on a Sunday morning.
Speaker:By now, Ralph's face is a perfect picture of anger,
Speaker:shades of red, full of dark lines and downcurved edges.
Speaker:For a moment it seems as though he is about to speak again,
Speaker:but instead he wheels around and pushes his way out of the centre of the crowd,
Speaker:out of the church forecourt.
Speaker:The butcher's son follows him, the one who hadn't spoken
Speaker:but who had brought something the intention of which
Speaker:I refuse to think about.
Speaker:His brother grabs his arm,
Speaker:but lets go again very quickly
Speaker:when he stops and glances back.
Speaker:I manage to catch a glimpse of his expression under the hood of his jacket,
Speaker:and in that moment I can vividly imagine what it must feel like
Speaker:to see the word traitor
Speaker:written in the eyes of your own flesh and blood.
Speaker:I am in equal measure both relieved and worried
Speaker:that the two of them have left us.
Speaker:Relieved that they will not, at least, cause any more upset today among so many other people,
Speaker:and worried that there will not be so many other people all the time.
Speaker:The church has made a small resurgence in recent years
Speaker:following decades of having almost no one on the pews,
Speaker:sometimes so few that we would hold service simply for ourselves.
Speaker:There are more people now, we never hold empty services.
Speaker:Lucia is not put into storage as though she were some kind of robot when there are no services, though.
Speaker:She is as much a person as I am,
Speaker:and well, this is hardly a nine to five job,
Speaker:but I have time off as much as anybody does.
Speaker:The rest of Ralph's group looks to have calmed down by now.
Speaker:As I let my eyes move between them, I see their faces again, much more composed,
Speaker:some looking apologetic,
Speaker:some looking mildly interested.
Speaker:One or two looks like they have smelled something unpleasant,
Speaker:but they are at least here,
Speaker:and they are not shouting slurs at her.
Speaker:A couple even look positively fascinated.
Speaker:One newcomer looks more interested than everybody else, however.
Speaker:His parents are not really church goers.
Speaker:They do what so many do, come in for the Christmas and Easter services;
Speaker:the two days a year we tend to have most of the pews filled.
Speaker:I know him from the children's football club, though.
Speaker:A serious boy, who knows his way around a pitch,
Speaker:who is not afraid to go in for a tackle,
Speaker:but who is also the first to help when anybody on the pitch gets hurt, team mate
Speaker:or not. He is trying to pull away from his father, who in turn is trying to get him to be quiet.
Speaker:"No, but dad!" he finally says loudly enough for the rest of us to hear.
Speaker:"I'm only going to ask her!"
Speaker:"Please, Sir," Lucia says evenly
Speaker:and just loudly enough that her growl of a voice
Speaker:will reach the back of the crowd where the father is trying to silence his offspring,
Speaker:"if your son has a question for me, I surely will try my best to answer it.
Speaker:it." I cannot hear what the father says to his son,
Speaker:but the stern nodding from both of them makes me think that if he does not behave,
Speaker:there might well be a grounding in his future.
Speaker:He finally makes his way around the crowd to the front,
Speaker:which again has once more fallen silent.
Speaker:This time it is not so much from whatever emotions they all had from listening to Lucia,
Speaker:but rather from the expectation one has
Speaker:when a five year old walks past you,
Speaker:looking as though he might be about to speak before the city council.
Speaker:Lucia crouches down as he comes near.
Speaker:He stops before her,
Speaker:about arm's length away,
Speaker:and clears his throat.
Speaker:Lucia's ears are upright,
Speaker:and her closed lipped smile has returned.
Speaker:I notice the tip of her tail twitching,
Speaker:the way a cat might if it is hunting or otherwise uncertain about something.
Speaker:"Your fur looks really soft.
Speaker:soft." He says this with a conviction
Speaker:as though he is reciting the oath of allegiance, and one of Lucia's ears twitches.
Speaker:After a moment of silence which seems to suggest the young boy is waiting for a further response of some kind,
Speaker:Lucia nods tentatively,
Speaker:and he continues, with the same seriousness:
Speaker:"Can I have a hug?" Lucia nods again,
Speaker:and as she wraps her arms around him,
Speaker:and he his around her broad neck,
Speaker:the crowd seems to notice the blanket of tension which they had not realised had been thrown over them
Speaker:had lifted, and they erupt into laughter and applause.
Speaker:I smile, and notice that the fur underneath Lucia's eyes is once more darkening,
Speaker:though this time I think they may be from something
Speaker:other than sadness.
Speaker:This was “No Peas In My Garden”
Speaker:by Dan Leinir Turthra Jensen,
Speaker:read for you by Khaki, your faithful fireside companion.
Speaker:For more stories you can find us wherever you get your podcasts, or on the web
Speaker:at thevoice.dog.
Speaker:Thank you for listening
Speaker:to The Voice of Dog
