“Food, Feuds and Fake Flora” by Ocean Tigrox

Speaker: 00:00:00

You’re listening to The Voice of Dog. I’m Khaki, your faithful fireside companion, and today’s story is

Speaker: 00:00:06

“Food, Feuds and Fake Flora”

Speaker: 00:00:09

by Ocean Tigrox .

Speaker: 00:00:11

This story was originally published in ROAR 6 -

Speaker: 00:00:14

“Scoundrels”. Ocean is an award winning author and editor,

Speaker: 00:00:18

known for the Inhuman Acts anthology and the Fangs and Fonts podcast.

Speaker: 00:00:22

You can find more of their work on their SoFurry page: https://ocean.

https: 00:00:25

//ocean.sofurry.com/

Please enjoy: 00:00:28

Food,

Please enjoy: 00:00:30

Feuds and Fake Flora

Please enjoy: 00:00:32

By Ocean Tigrox

Please enjoy: 00:00:36

MONDAY "It was a...

Please enjoy: 00:00:39

a..." Sandra trailed off as she consulted the stack of papers on her desk.

Please enjoy: 00:00:43

Finding the yellow complaint form and tugging it free from the pile,

Please enjoy: 00:00:46

the tawny cougar adjusted her thick-rimmed glasses

Please enjoy: 00:00:49

and read it aloud.

Please enjoy: 00:00:50

"A roasted red pepper and provolone chicken sandwich with chipotle mayo

Please enjoy: 00:00:54

on sourdough bread."

Please enjoy: 00:00:56

"As far as I know, I'm allergic to mayonnaise.

Please enjoy: 00:00:58

mayonnaise." The silver lupine turned his head away,

Please enjoy: 00:01:00

swallowing his breath mint

Please enjoy: 00:01:02

and wiping away a small drop of creamy, reddish-white sauce from his grey muzzle.

Please enjoy: 00:01:06

"Look, Jim." The feline took off her glasses

Please enjoy: 00:01:09

and placed them beside the potted fake fern on her laminate desk.

Please enjoy: 00:01:13

She sighed, sagging her shoulders as she clasped her paws together.

Please enjoy: 00:01:16

"I'm not accusing you here.

Please enjoy: 00:01:18

There've always been lunch thefts from time to time in this office.

Please enjoy: 00:01:22

We're required to investigate each complaint.

Please enjoy: 00:01:24

complaint." Sandra stood and turned to stare out the office window.

Please enjoy: 00:01:28

She grumbled, "I'm sure the owner of that sandwich is terribly hungry right now.

Please enjoy: 00:01:33

I would--That is to say,

Please enjoy: 00:01:35

we all would like to know who took it."

Please enjoy: 00:01:37

"Well, I'm sorry to say that I don't know who took that tantalizing meal.

Please enjoy: 00:01:41

But I've heard the deli across the street makes a mean smoked meat sandwich.

Please enjoy: 00:01:45

sandwich." Sandra spun around and slammed her fists on the desk,

Please enjoy: 00:01:48

shaking the fern's leaves and rattling the office supplies.

Please enjoy: 00:01:51

"Well maybe that deli never prepares your sandwich right,

Please enjoy: 00:01:53

or doesn't realize that some of us

Please enjoy: 00:01:55

don't like to have their bread drowning in mustard!"

Please enjoy: 00:01:59

The middle aged cougar

Please enjoy: 00:02:00

bit her lip and closed her eyes.

Please enjoy: 00:02:02

Standing up straight,

Please enjoy: 00:02:03

she took a deep breath

Please enjoy: 00:02:05

and squeezed the bridge of her shortened muzzle.

Please enjoy: 00:02:07

"Sorry, sorry. I apologize for that outburst.

Please enjoy: 00:02:11

Let's just...move on.

Please enjoy: 00:02:13

on." Sandra sat back down

Please enjoy: 00:02:14

and wheeled herself back under the desk.

Please enjoy: 00:02:17

"Of course, Sandra. No apology needed.

Please enjoy: 00:02:18

needed." Jim nodded, picking out some crumbs from under his claws.

Please enjoy: 00:02:23

The cougar opened one of the desk drawers

Please enjoy: 00:02:25

and picked through the files contained within.

Please enjoy: 00:02:27

"I have a favour to ask.

Please enjoy: 00:02:29

As you may have heard,

Please enjoy: 00:02:30

management has hired a new employee to overlook our processes

Please enjoy: 00:02:34

and update them so we can be a more efficient team.

Please enjoy: 00:02:37

team." Sandra withdrew a file

Please enjoy: 00:02:38

and pulled out a stapled set of sheets, reading them over.

Please enjoy: 00:02:41

"Yes, here we go, a mister Harold O'Connor.

Please enjoy: 00:02:44

He should be waiting out in the lobby.

Please enjoy: 00:02:45

Could you please show him around the office?

Please enjoy: 00:02:47

His desk and cubicle are next to yours."

Please enjoy: 00:02:50

"I'll make sure he's given a warm Fake Ferns and Flora welcome.

Please enjoy: 00:02:54

welcome." The wolf smiled and rose from his seat.

Please enjoy: 00:02:56

"Also." Sandra raised a finger.

Please enjoy: 00:02:59

"It's too late today,

Please enjoy: 00:03:00

but you're welcome to take him to lunch

Please enjoy: 00:03:01

and charge it on the company card."

Please enjoy: 00:03:03

"Certainly, I'll take him to the deli.

Please enjoy: 00:03:06

deli." Jim flashed a toothy grin.

Please enjoy: 00:03:08

The wolf left before Sandra's grumbling about mustard could drag him back into another talk about improper office etiquette.

Please enjoy: 00:03:14

He closed the HR manager's door behind him,

Please enjoy: 00:03:17

preventing any of her outrage to slip out into the office.

Please enjoy: 00:03:21

It was mid-afternoon

Please enjoy: 00:03:22

and most of the other staff huddled away quietly in their individual cubicles.

Please enjoy: 00:03:27

Next to each of their mailboxes sat a personal fake plant,

Please enjoy: 00:03:30

each handpicked by Gene,

Please enjoy: 00:03:32

the company owner, for them upon hire.

Please enjoy: 00:03:35

Jim slipped across the open area, past the small jungle of silk ficus trees and artificial palms,

Please enjoy: 00:03:41

and through double doors into the lobby.

Please enjoy: 00:03:43

Atop the front desk counter sat a pot of plastic yellow daffodils,

Please enjoy: 00:03:47

the perfect pick

Please enjoy: 00:03:48

for a bright and cheery receptionist.

Please enjoy: 00:03:50

The vixen behind the counter

Please enjoy: 00:03:51

waved at Jim. "Hi Megan.

Please enjoy: 00:03:53

Megan." The wolf flashed her a bright, white smile.

Please enjoy: 00:03:57

"Sandra sent me for Harold."

Please enjoy: 00:03:58

"Of course, he's over there.

Please enjoy: 00:04:00

there." The fox gestured with a paw

Please enjoy: 00:04:02

to the large, chestnut-brown bear sitting quietly.

Please enjoy: 00:04:05

Harold sat like a lump,

Please enjoy: 00:04:07

his large belly pushing at the bounds of his white shirt,

Please enjoy: 00:04:09

the buttons strained at the seams.

Please enjoy: 00:04:12

His paws gripped a worn briefcase.

Please enjoy: 00:04:14

Jim stepped over to introduce himself.

Please enjoy: 00:04:16

Another basic, boring bear.

Please enjoy: 00:04:19

The wolf smoothed his grey pin-striped suit

Please enjoy: 00:04:21

and offered a paw.

Please enjoy: 00:04:23

"Harold O'Connor, right?

Please enjoy: 00:04:24

I'm Jim Grossman, head of marketing and sales.

Please enjoy: 00:04:27

Welcome to Fake Ferns and Flora!"

Please enjoy: 00:04:29

"Hello!" The bear shook the wolf's hand and rose from his seat. "Happy to be here.

Please enjoy: 00:04:34

here." Jim grinned. "Have you met anyone yet?"

Please enjoy: 00:04:37

"Not personally. I was hired over the phone so this is my first time in the office."

Please enjoy: 00:04:41

"Let me show you around then.

Please enjoy: 00:04:43

then." Jim held the lobby door open so Harold could step into the office.

Please enjoy: 00:04:47

Jim started pointing out various associates.

Please enjoy: 00:04:50

"Over there is Andrew, he's in charge of distribution. We've got Yelena next to him, she's lead design.

Please enjoy: 00:04:55

They look busy right now, but I'm sure they'll introduce themselves at the ceremony."

Please enjoy: 00:04:58

"Ceremony?" Harold blinked.

Please enjoy: 00:05:00

"Yes, little tradition Gene likes to have when a new member joins the team.

Please enjoy: 00:05:04

team." The wolf patted the bear on the shoulder. "You'll see.

Please enjoy: 00:05:08

see." Jim pointed to a cubicle on their left, near the entrance.

Please enjoy: 00:05:11

Organized stacks of papers and reports

Please enjoy: 00:05:14

occupied most of the tidy desk.

Please enjoy: 00:05:16

A few other items fought for space:

Please enjoy: 00:05:18

a business card holder,

Please enjoy: 00:05:19

digital clock, and a single framed photograph of two wolves.

Please enjoy: 00:05:23

The most colourful item

Please enjoy: 00:05:24

was a vibrant trio of silk snapdragons:

Please enjoy: 00:05:27

indigo, crimson,

Please enjoy: 00:05:28

and pink. Gene's reasoning was that

Please enjoy: 00:05:31

much like a real dragon,

Please enjoy: 00:05:32

the sales team must be witty,

Please enjoy: 00:05:34

cunning and fierce!

Please enjoy: 00:05:35

"Here's my desk." Jim's tail wagged as he showed it off.

Please enjoy: 00:05:39

"If you have any questions or concerns, you can usually find me here.

Please enjoy: 00:05:42

But you won't have to go far because...

Please enjoy: 00:05:44

because..." The wolf took a few steps over

Please enjoy: 00:05:46

and motioned to the empty cubicle beside his.

Please enjoy: 00:05:49

"This is your desk."

Please enjoy: 00:05:50

"Ah, excellent!" Harold's ear flicked

Please enjoy: 00:05:53

as he stepped forward to place his briefcase on the desk.

Please enjoy: 00:05:56

"Watch out!" A voice squeaked out from the cubicle.

Please enjoy: 00:05:59

The bear's eyes widened as he stepped back and a yellow and grey figure crawled out from under the desk,

Please enjoy: 00:06:04

stood up and waved.

Please enjoy: 00:06:06

"Hi there," the scrawny coyote greeted them.

Please enjoy: 00:06:09

The hemp bracelets on his wrists, made of woven fair-trade fabrics and beads,

Please enjoy: 00:06:13

clashed with his half tucked in yellow dress shirt

Please enjoy: 00:06:15

and crooked, stained tie.

Please enjoy: 00:06:17

"I'm just finishing setting up your desktop.

Please enjoy: 00:06:19

desktop." Harold nodded. "This is Danny, our IT guy.

Please enjoy: 00:06:22

guy." Jim cut in, shooing Danny back to work.

Please enjoy: 00:06:25

"Go away now please.

Please enjoy: 00:06:26

please." The office hummed with keyboard clacking

Please enjoy: 00:06:29

and ringing desk phones as Jim guided Harold around,

Please enjoy: 00:06:32

pointing out more associates.

Please enjoy: 00:06:34

Eventually they came to the corner of the office

Please enjoy: 00:06:36

where two doors stood.

Please enjoy: 00:06:38

"On the left you'll find Sandra.

Please enjoy: 00:06:39

Sandra." The wolf's ears flattened as he lowered his voice,

Please enjoy: 00:06:42

hoping the cougar on the other side wouldn't hear.

Please enjoy: 00:06:44

"I'd introduce you, but she's not feeling too friendly.

Please enjoy: 00:06:47

friendly." Harold nodded slowly,

Please enjoy: 00:06:49

a look of confusion on his brow.

Please enjoy: 00:06:52

Pointing to the other door, Jim continued,

Please enjoy: 00:06:54

"And on the right is Gene, our founder and boss.

Please enjoy: 00:06:58

He'll introduce himself to you at the ceremony so let's continue the tour.

Please enjoy: 00:07:01

tour." The wolf directed them around the corner

Please enjoy: 00:07:03

into a large lunchroom.

Please enjoy: 00:07:05

Along one wall stood a marble counter,

Please enjoy: 00:07:07

various cabinets

Please enjoy: 00:07:09

and a stainless steel fridge.

Please enjoy: 00:07:11

Spread around the room were tables and booths,

Please enjoy: 00:07:13

each with a pot of fake green tea plants, specially made because Gene heard green tea was good for digestion.

Please enjoy: 00:07:19

"Here's my favourite place, the kitchen!"

Please enjoy: 00:07:22

Jim's tail swished behind him.

Please enjoy: 00:07:24

"Employees can keep their lunches safe in the fridge.

Please enjoy: 00:07:26

fridge." His sly eyes looked the ursine up and down.

Please enjoy: 00:07:30

A bear with a belly like Harold's must be eating well.

Please enjoy: 00:07:33

What delicious delights might he bring for lunch?

Please enjoy: 00:07:36

"Feel free to store your food in there, anytime.

Please enjoy: 00:07:39

anytime." Harold smiled. "Good to know,

Please enjoy: 00:07:41

I'm sure I'll take advantage of that.

Please enjoy: 00:07:43

that." The two continued through the kitchen to another corner of the office.

Please enjoy: 00:07:47

Shelves of electronics and cords covered the walls with a single desk separating them from the hallway.

Please enjoy: 00:07:52

"If your computer isn't working or you need some equipment, Danny'll

Please enjoy: 00:07:55

help you out here."

Please enjoy: 00:07:57

Atop the coyote's desk sat three polyester bamboo shoots.

Please enjoy: 00:08:01

The skills of the IT department were regarded by Gene

Please enjoy: 00:08:04

as a form of techno-wizardry.

Please enjoy: 00:08:06

Thus, when it came to picking a plant for Danny,

Please enjoy: 00:08:08

he chose bamboo because he knew electronics came from Japan.

Please enjoy: 00:08:12

Plus, he'd heard bamboo was lucky.

Please enjoy: 00:08:15

Ushering Harold along,

Please enjoy: 00:08:16

Jim showed off the various other office amenities: meeting rooms, bathrooms, printers,

Please enjoy: 00:08:21

and the supply room ending the tour.

Please enjoy: 00:08:24

Jim pushed open one of the frosted glass doors to reveal the lobby.

Please enjoy: 00:08:28

Inside, all the employees from the floor gathered around a table in the middle.

Please enjoy: 00:08:32

A pile of napkins, forks and Styrofoam plates

Please enjoy: 00:08:35

sat on the table next to a plastic container of assorted cupcakes.

Please enjoy: 00:08:39

A well-dressed badger stepped forward from the crowd

Please enjoy: 00:08:42

and cleared his throat.

Please enjoy: 00:08:44

"It's always my pleasure to welcome a new member to the Fake Ferns and Flora family.

Please enjoy: 00:08:49

I've brought Harold on board to go over our processes and see what we can do to improve our efficiency.

Please enjoy: 00:08:54

By streamlining how we conduct our business, I know we can go from number three to number two in the fake plant business!"

Please enjoy: 00:09:02

A few people politely clapped.

Please enjoy: 00:09:05

The badger stepped up to the bear. "Now Harold,

Please enjoy: 00:09:07

I'm not sure if anyone informed you, but here at triple-F we take pride in our products.

Please enjoy: 00:09:12

We all should feel connected to the fabulous plants we produce. So, for each employee,

Please enjoy: 00:09:18

I pick out a plant to represent them.

Please enjoy: 00:09:20

You may not see mine often

Please enjoy: 00:09:22

as it's in my office, but I have a single stemmed rose.

Please enjoy: 00:09:25

A diamond with petals it is the perfection of the floral world.

Please enjoy: 00:09:30

The flower that all other flowers wish to be, a beacon of greatness to all, just as I am a model to all my employees.

Please enjoy: 00:09:38

"I'm sure you're wondering what I've picked out for you, so here it is.

Please enjoy: 00:09:42

is." Gene revealed a plastic, groomed

Please enjoy: 00:09:45

bonsai tree. "Only a plant dedicated to such precision

Please enjoy: 00:09:49

and the smallest detail could be given to the one who will be optimizing the way we do business

Please enjoy: 00:09:54

and work together.

Please enjoy: 00:09:55

together." The badger handed the pot to the bear

Please enjoy: 00:09:58

and shook his free hand. "Just remember our motto:

Please enjoy: 00:10:00

Our plants are plastic,

Please enjoy: 00:10:02

but our quality is real!"

Please enjoy: 00:10:04

"Thank you very much." Harold smiled shyly.

Please enjoy: 00:10:07

"It will be a pleasant treat to work with you all." #

Please enjoy: 00:10:11

TUESDAY Jim's belly

Please enjoy: 00:10:13

rumbled with discontent.

Please enjoy: 00:10:15

He glanced at his desk clock to see the numbers 11:43 staring back.

Please enjoy: 00:10:20

Almost time for lunch.

Please enjoy: 00:10:22

What delicacies would be available today?

Please enjoy: 00:10:25

As Jim saved the document he was working on

Please enjoy: 00:10:28

and stood up from his desk, he remembered Sandra nagging him to take Harold out for lunch.

Please enjoy: 00:10:32

Sadly, this meant eating at the deli across the street.

Please enjoy: 00:10:36

The wolf shuddered

Please enjoy: 00:10:37

and put the thought behind him,

Please enjoy: 00:10:38

instead turning and peering over the cubicle wall at his bruin co-worker.

Please enjoy: 00:10:42

Harold sat happily chewing and working away,

Please enjoy: 00:10:45

not noticing the silver furred muzzle poking over the wall.

Please enjoy: 00:10:48

"Hey Harold." The wolf sniffed the air,

Please enjoy: 00:10:51

scents of sugary sweetness tickling his nose.

Please enjoy: 00:10:53

"It's about lunch time,

Please enjoy: 00:10:54

you wanna grab a bite to eat?

Please enjoy: 00:10:56

Company's paying."

Please enjoy: 00:10:57

"Oh thanks, but no thanks. I've already eaten.

Please enjoy: 00:10:59

eaten." Harold waved a sticky paw.

Please enjoy: 00:11:02

Jim's eyes narrowed,

Please enjoy: 00:11:04

picking out smudges of yellow and blue colouring in Harold's fur.

Please enjoy: 00:11:08

The bear had eaten the leftover cupcakes from yesterday's ceremony.

Please enjoy: 00:11:11

The wolf cursed under his breath.

Please enjoy: 00:11:13

Damn, I was hoping to have those for an afternoon snack.

Please enjoy: 00:11:16

"I should have invited you yesterday.

Please enjoy: 00:11:18

My bad. How about tomorrow?"

Please enjoy: 00:11:21

"Sounds like a plan.

Please enjoy: 00:11:22

plan." Harold sucked each individual finger clean.

Please enjoy: 00:11:25

Jim cringed at the sticky mess of coloured splotches on Harold's keyboard.

Please enjoy: 00:11:29

He slowly lowered himself back down from the wall

Please enjoy: 00:11:31

and flopped back into his chair,

Please enjoy: 00:11:33

ears splayed. The bear probably just assumed the left-over cupcakes were for anyone.

Please enjoy: 00:11:39

They were bought for his welcoming party after all.

Please enjoy: 00:11:42

Jim grumbled about his loss

Please enjoy: 00:11:43

while pulling a sandwich out of his bag.

Please enjoy: 00:11:46

At least I forgot about taking him out to lunch and packed my own,

Please enjoy: 00:11:48

he thought. "Hey, Jim!"

Please enjoy: 00:11:51

The wolf looked up to see Danny smiling over him.

Please enjoy: 00:11:54

The coyote munched on dried fruit slices and offered Jim a few from the plastic bag in his hand. "Want

Please enjoy: 00:11:59

some dehydrated apple chips?

Please enjoy: 00:12:01

I made them myself. They're

Please enjoy: 00:12:02

great! Healthy, gluten-free, full of--" "Go away, Danny,"

Please enjoy: 00:12:07

Jim mumbled into his sandwich. #

Please enjoy: 00:12:09

WEDNESDAY The pressure of the middle of the week dragged on Jim.

Please enjoy: 00:12:14

At least on Wednesdays Sandra brought the best food.

Please enjoy: 00:12:17

Last week was a red wine beef brisket with cheese and bacon scalloped potatoes.

Please enjoy: 00:12:22

Jim licked his lips,

Please enjoy: 00:12:23

remembering the flavour.

Please enjoy: 00:12:25

The week before that was a lovely chicken parmesan with a spicy chorizo carbonara on the side.

Please enjoy: 00:12:30

The combination of spices and herbs still danced on Jim's tongue.

Please enjoy: 00:12:34

He wasn't sure if the cougar was attending cooking classes on Tuesday night's

Please enjoy: 00:12:37

or dating a young gourmet chef,

Please enjoy: 00:12:39

but he wasn't complaining at the leftovers she brought for lunch. The 11:50 alarm on his clock told him that it was time to make his way to the kitchen.

Please enjoy: 00:12:47

"Crap," Jim muttered to himself. I told Harold we'd do lunch today.

Please enjoy: 00:12:52

Oh well, after Monday's meeting with cranky ol' Sandra, giving her a day to cool off isn't so bad.

Please enjoy: 00:12:57

Still, it meant eating at the deli across the street.

Please enjoy: 00:13:01

The wolf's fur bristled.

Please enjoy: 00:13:02

At least it's free.

Please enjoy: 00:13:04

Taking a few steps out of his cubicle, he rounded the wall with a cheerful, "Hey Harold! You hungry?"

Please enjoy: 00:13:10

Jim's trademark toothy grin drooped

Please enjoy: 00:13:12

as his nose picked up the scent

Please enjoy: 00:13:14

of paprika and chilies.

Please enjoy: 00:13:16

"Jim!" Harold exclaimed through a mouthful.

Please enjoy: 00:13:19

He paused to swallow before continuing.

Please enjoy: 00:13:20

"I'm sorry, I forgot about our plans.

Please enjoy: 00:13:23

I guess I got so hungry that I decided on another early lunch."

Please enjoy: 00:13:27

"I must say, your lunch smells delicious.

Please enjoy: 00:13:30

What are you eating?"

Please enjoy: 00:13:32

The wolf licked his lips

Please enjoy: 00:13:33

looking over the bear's shoulder.

Please enjoy: 00:13:34

"Oh this? Just one of grandma's old recipes.

Please enjoy: 00:13:37

Simple pork and beans.

Please enjoy: 00:13:39

Too bad I can't make it like she used to.

Please enjoy: 00:13:41

to." Harold took another fork full.

Please enjoy: 00:13:43

Digging his utensil into the microwave container,

Please enjoy: 00:13:46

he stirred up the rice and refried beans.

Please enjoy: 00:13:49

The pink plastic container overflowed with corn,

Please enjoy: 00:13:51

pico de gallo, beans and rice.

Please enjoy: 00:13:54

On top of it all rested shredded chorizo pork

Please enjoy: 00:13:57

in a lovely mole glaze

Please enjoy: 00:13:58

topped with queso fresco.

Please enjoy: 00:14:00

"I didn't realize your grandmother was...Spanish? Mexican?"

Please enjoy: 00:14:04

Jim leaned in closer,

Please enjoy: 00:14:05

sniffing at the combination of spices and chocolate.

Please enjoy: 00:14:08

He eyed the side of the container,

Please enjoy: 00:14:10

making out the worn away

Please enjoy: 00:14:11

letters on the side -

Please enjoy: 00:14:12

Sandra Perkins. "Ah, well...

Please enjoy: 00:14:15

well..." Harold's eyes danced between the food and the wolf.

Please enjoy: 00:14:18

"She--she married into the family.

Please enjoy: 00:14:21

family." The bear stared at Jim,

Please enjoy: 00:14:23

chewing loudly, each bite raising the hackles on the wolf's fur.

Please enjoy: 00:14:27

The sickening sloppy eater in front of him caused Jim's tail to twitch with each bite.

Please enjoy: 00:14:33

Jim's eyes narrowed in on Harold.

Please enjoy: 00:14:35

"I should let you get back to work.

Please enjoy: 00:14:37

Enjoy your lunch.

Please enjoy: 00:14:39

lunch." Harold gave a smug grin,

Please enjoy: 00:14:41

turning back to shovel another mouthful,

Please enjoy: 00:14:43

bits of rice and salsa falling on his keyboard.

Please enjoy: 00:14:46

Jim trudged off, grumbling to himself.

Please enjoy: 00:14:49

Maybe there'd be something left in the fridge to salvage.

Please enjoy: 00:14:52

As long as the only thing in there wasn't Danny's.

Please enjoy: 00:14:54

A shudder rippled down the fur on Jim's back.

Please enjoy: 00:14:57

Stupid soy vegan fair-trade gluten-free dirt mush stuff.

Please enjoy: 00:15:02

Turning the corner, a thought crept into his mind.

Please enjoy: 00:15:05

He rapped on the door to HR.

Please enjoy: 00:15:07

Jim's ears perked at the agitated sigh that followed before Sandra invited him inside.

Please enjoy: 00:15:12

"Good day, Sandra," Jim greeted her

Please enjoy: 00:15:14

as he closed the door behind him.

Please enjoy: 00:15:16

"I would like to make a complaint.

Please enjoy: 00:15:18

I believe Harold is eating your lunch.

Please enjoy: 00:15:21

In fact, I saw him just now. Fork in hand,

Please enjoy: 00:15:24

devouring what looked like a microwavable container sporting your name on the side.

Please enjoy: 00:15:29

If you look right now, you can catch him in the act.

Please enjoy: 00:15:32

act." A chuckle rumbled in the cougar's chest.

Please enjoy: 00:15:34

"Oh, Jim. Jim, Jim, Jimmy, Jimbo, Jim. Well done.

Please enjoy: 00:15:40

done." Sandra clapped her paws a few times. "You've out done yourself.

Please enjoy: 00:15:45

After all these years, to think you'd stoop

Please enjoy: 00:15:48

this low." The wolf's jaw dropped.

Please enjoy: 00:15:51

Ear's splayed, he sputtered out, "S-s-stoop?"

Please enjoy: 00:15:55

Sandra leaned forward,

Please enjoy: 00:15:56

resting her elbows on the desk. "Do you honestly take me for a putz?

Please enjoy: 00:16:00

Do you really think I don't know where the missing lunches have gone?

Please enjoy: 00:16:03

That I don't know the mysterious bandit

Please enjoy: 00:16:06

who continues to take them?"

Please enjoy: 00:16:07

"It could be anyone.

Please enjoy: 00:16:08

anyone." Jim loosened his tie and glanced around the room,

Please enjoy: 00:16:11

avoiding eye contact.

Please enjoy: 00:16:13

"Just because I haven't been able to prove it,

Please enjoy: 00:16:15

doesn't mean I never figured it out.

Please enjoy: 00:16:17

Sure, Gene has a mini fridge so he never has to deal with you.

Please enjoy: 00:16:21

you." Sandra scrunched up her face

Please enjoy: 00:16:22

and lowered her voice to a mocking tone.

Please enjoy: 00:16:25

"Now, now, Sandra, it's just lunch.

Please enjoy: 00:16:27

Our employees work hard. We all need to pitch in and help out wherever we can, even if that means sharing a sandwich now and then.

Please enjoy: 00:16:34

then." Jim slipped a claw under his collar.

Please enjoy: 00:16:37

"And now, you think you can just waltz in here,

Please enjoy: 00:16:39

accusing the new hire of being the lunch thief?"

Please enjoy: 00:16:43

Sandra's breathing deepened;

Please enjoy: 00:16:44

her extended claws dug into the laminate covering of the desk.

Please enjoy: 00:16:48

The fake fern trembled.

Please enjoy: 00:16:49

"I'm already wise to your tricks, Grossman!"

Please enjoy: 00:16:52

The cougar leaned over her desk,

Please enjoy: 00:16:54

ears flat and fangs bared.

Please enjoy: 00:16:56

"You march out of here right now

Please enjoy: 00:16:58

before I make you run to the deli across the street and order me a new lunch.

Please enjoy: 00:17:03

lunch." Jim gulped and nodded.

Please enjoy: 00:17:05

Well that was an unexpected failure.

Please enjoy: 00:17:08

Being forced to eat at the deli across the street was just the mustard on the cake for this horrible day. #

Please enjoy: 00:17:14

The slimy sauerkraut and sharp mustard stuck with Jim for the rest of the day.

Please enjoy: 00:17:19

No matter how long he gargled with water or tossed back cups of coffee,

Please enjoy: 00:17:23

the disgusting taste of stale bread and limp deli meat would not leave his palette.

Please enjoy: 00:17:28

Only once work ended could the lupine dash home

Please enjoy: 00:17:30

and brush away the never-ending aftertaste of the deli across the street.

Please enjoy: 00:17:34

After a rigorous dosage of mouthwash and questioning why there was only one restaurant within walking distance to the office,

Please enjoy: 00:17:40

the sour notes finally faded away

Please enjoy: 00:17:42

and Jim's fur started to settle into place.

Please enjoy: 00:17:45

Frustrated from having to suffer through the last half of the work day,

Please enjoy: 00:17:49

Jim decided it would be a 'Me

Please enjoy: 00:17:50

-Time' evening. A quick call to his choice pizzeria,

Please enjoy: 00:17:54

two frosty lagers from the fridge,

Please enjoy: 00:17:56

sweatpants, and a quick pick through his DVD collection was what this night needed.

Please enjoy: 00:18:01

"I am Hosea, destroyer of men." Jim imitated the gunslinging actor on screen, sloshing his bottle of beer as he pretended to shoot at all the bar patrons with the action hero. 'Muchachos'

Please enjoy: 00:18:04

had always been one of his best-loved classic Western films,

Please enjoy: 00:18:08

watching the young anti-hero from Mexico rise to infamy

Please enjoy: 00:18:10

in a blaze of bullets.

Please enjoy: 00:18:12

The doorbell barely managed to make a sound over the blaring fire fight on Jim's home theatre system.

Please enjoy: 00:18:18

The lupine's ears still perked and picked it up,

Please enjoy: 00:18:20

sending the slightly tipsy wolf dashing to the door,

Please enjoy: 00:18:22

tail wagging behind him.

Please enjoy: 00:18:24

A quick exchange of money

Please enjoy: 00:18:25

and Jim's favourite double double deluxe pizza was in his paws:

Please enjoy: 00:18:29

double the meat, double the cheese, double the sauce and all the fixings,

Please enjoy: 00:18:33

also doubled. The scent of the meat trio,

Please enjoy: 00:18:36

salami, ham, and pepperoni mixed with the melted mozzarella

Please enjoy: 00:18:39

and marble cheese blend,

Please enjoy: 00:18:41

all in combination with peppers, onions,

Please enjoy: 00:18:43

mushrooms and olives galore.

Please enjoy: 00:18:46

Jim's muzzle dripped with saliva before he could sink his teeth into the first piece.

Please enjoy: 00:18:51

The thick slices of warm pizza

Please enjoy: 00:18:53

brought a happy sigh to the wolf.

Please enjoy: 00:18:55

Each piece packed with so much meat and toppings that it only took a few pieces

Please enjoy: 00:18:58

before his belly was sated,

Please enjoy: 00:19:00

easily leaving leftovers for lunch.

Please enjoy: 00:19:02

Even Sandra's leftovers couldn't beat the best pizza ever to touch his tongue.

Please enjoy: 00:19:07

Jim cracked open another beer

Please enjoy: 00:19:09

and stretched out on his couch.

Please enjoy: 00:19:11

I needed this. Tonight was a good night. #

Please enjoy: 00:19:15

THURSDAY The lupine had a bounce in his step the next morning.

Please enjoy: 00:19:19

Giving Megan a cheerful smile and a hello,

Please enjoy: 00:19:21

he entered the office.

Please enjoy: 00:19:23

Jim waved to Yelena

Please enjoy: 00:19:24

and asked how her cubs were doing.

Please enjoy: 00:19:26

After a brisk walk to drop off his leftover pizza in the office fridge,

Please enjoy: 00:19:29

he returned to his desk with a fresh cup of hazelnut coffee.

Please enjoy: 00:19:32

Setting the mug down next to his colourful snapdragons,

Please enjoy: 00:19:35

Jim went straight to work.

Please enjoy: 00:19:37

Jim's morning slipped by in a flash.

Please enjoy: 00:19:39

Only his alarm clock with its usual 11:50 buzzer

Please enjoy: 00:19:43

broke him out of his work daze.

Please enjoy: 00:19:45

Leaning back in his chair with an accomplished sigh,

Please enjoy: 00:19:47

he smiled. Lunch sounds great about now.

Please enjoy: 00:19:52

Rolling his chair away from his desk, Jim stood and stretched.

Please enjoy: 00:19:55

He yawned and took in the scents of the office.

Please enjoy: 00:19:58

The usual smell of dust,

Please enjoy: 00:19:59

recycled air, coffee, paper and his regular co-workers' deodorant slipped through his nose.

Please enjoy: 00:20:05

The lupine grinned at the absence of any smells of food

Please enjoy: 00:20:08

and walked past Harold's cubicle.

Please enjoy: 00:20:10

His ears fell when he found only an empty seat.

Please enjoy: 00:20:13

The wolf rushed to the kitchen,

Please enjoy: 00:20:15

throwing open the stainless steel refrigerator.

Please enjoy: 00:20:17

His eyes darted around the empty shelves.

Please enjoy: 00:20:19

Only one item sat alone in the barren fridge -

Please enjoy: 00:20:22

Danny's see-through container with tofurkey curry on brown whole grain rice

Please enjoy: 00:20:26

and home-made plain yogurt.

Please enjoy: 00:20:28

No. He shook his head.

Please enjoy: 00:20:31

No, no, no. Where did it all go?

Please enjoy: 00:20:34

The sound of lips smacking

Please enjoy: 00:20:36

perked the wolf's ears.

Please enjoy: 00:20:38

Jim closed the fridge door

Please enjoy: 00:20:39

and turned slowly.

Please enjoy: 00:20:41

A scent of grease

Please enjoy: 00:20:42

and bread directed his gaze over to one of the booths.

Please enjoy: 00:20:45

His tail swayed lazily

Please enjoy: 00:20:47

as he approached the table.

Please enjoy: 00:20:49

A chestnut-brown hulk of fur turned to see him and smiled.

Please enjoy: 00:20:52

"Oh, hi Jim!" "Harold.

Please enjoy: 00:20:54

"Harold." Jim growled through his teeth.

Please enjoy: 00:20:57

"How's your day going?"

Please enjoy: 00:20:59

The bear talked with his mouth full,

Please enjoy: 00:21:01

smacking his gums as he ate.

Please enjoy: 00:21:03

Tomato sauce drizzled down Harold's cheek.

Please enjoy: 00:21:06

In front of him sat empty and discarded lunch containers.

Please enjoy: 00:21:09

"I was hoping some lunch would help get me through the day.

Please enjoy: 00:21:13

day." Jim ground his molars,

Please enjoy: 00:21:15

glaring at the noisy eater.

Please enjoy: 00:21:17

Harold finished his food,

Please enjoy: 00:21:18

tossing the left over pizza crust into a container with the others.

Please enjoy: 00:21:22

After letting out a small, obnoxious burp,

Please enjoy: 00:21:24

he nudged the container closer to Jim.

Please enjoy: 00:21:26

"Would you like some leftover bread sticks?

Please enjoy: 00:21:28

I just had a delicious Italian feast.

Please enjoy: 00:21:30

feast." Jim's eye twitched

Please enjoy: 00:21:32

as he wrapped his hands around the container,

Please enjoy: 00:21:35

claws digging into the plastic sides.

Please enjoy: 00:21:37

He tried to reply but a low rumble from his chest was all he could muster.

Please enjoy: 00:21:41

"I did save some room for dessert though.

Please enjoy: 00:21:44

though." Harold pushed the potted green tea plant out of the way

Please enjoy: 00:21:47

and pulled a bright purple container closer.

Please enjoy: 00:21:50

Popping off the top,

Please enjoy: 00:21:51

Harold took a handful of the homemade sugar cookies with buttercream frosting from within

Please enjoy: 00:21:55

and crammed them into his mouth.

Please enjoy: 00:21:57

"Grandma makes such tasty treats,"

Please enjoy: 00:22:00

he said through a muffled muzzle.

Please enjoy: 00:22:02

"That's--those are Yelena's!"

Please enjoy: 00:22:04

Jim gasped, releasing his grip on the food container and letting it fall to the floor with a clatter, spilling discarded pizza crusts

Please enjoy: 00:22:09

across the tile. "She-

Please enjoy: 00:22:11

-her cubs--they baked those.

Please enjoy: 00:22:13

They make them every Wednesday night so she can deliver them to Gran-Gran in the home when she visits each Thursday after work! Even I wouldn't stoop so low as to steal Gran-Gran's cookies. They're all she has left to get

Please enjoy: 00:22:18

her through the terrible meals of stewed prunes and mushy peas they serve each week."

Please enjoy: 00:22:36

"Are they?" Harold paused for a moment,

Please enjoy: 00:22:38

glancing down at the last two remaining cookies with their pink and blue pastel frosting.

Please enjoy: 00:22:43

"Are you sure? These taste just like the ones my grandma makes.

Please enjoy: 00:22:47

Let me check." A wicked grin slid up Harold's muzzle

Please enjoy: 00:22:51

as he took the remaining cookies in his paws

Please enjoy: 00:22:53

and stacked them on top of each other.

Please enjoy: 00:22:54

Opening wide, he shoved the baked treats into his cheeks

Please enjoy: 00:22:57

and chewed. Jim watched in horror,

Please enjoy: 00:23:00

frozen as the bear half-chewed his food

Please enjoy: 00:23:03

and struggled to swallow the cookies whole.

Please enjoy: 00:23:05

A streak of pain crossed the bear's face before he relaxed

Please enjoy: 00:23:08

and sighed. Harold leaned back and patted his round belly.

Please enjoy: 00:23:12

"You know, you might be right.

Please enjoy: 00:23:14

I don't know if those were my cookies.

Please enjoy: 00:23:16

I may have grabbed the wrong container by mistake.

Please enjoy: 00:23:19

My deepest apologies to Yelena.

Please enjoy: 00:23:21

Yelena." Jim slammed his fists on the table.

Please enjoy: 00:23:23

"You can't keep doing this!"

Please enjoy: 00:23:25

"Oh?" Harold's ears flicked,

Please enjoy: 00:23:28

he gestured with a meaty paw for the wolf to sit across from him.

Please enjoy: 00:23:31

"And why not?" Jim's ears fell flat

Please enjoy: 00:23:35

as he looked around the room to make sure they were alone.

Please enjoy: 00:23:37

He slid into the seat across from the bear.

Please enjoy: 00:23:40

"You've already eaten everything in the fridge today.

Please enjoy: 00:23:42

Well, everything edible.

Please enjoy: 00:23:44

Once everyone comes in here for lunch and sees you sitting here with all those empty containers,

Please enjoy: 00:23:48

they'll have your head.

Please enjoy: 00:23:50

head." Harold leaned forward,

Please enjoy: 00:23:52

showing off another toothy smile

Please enjoy: 00:23:53

with bits of spinach and peppers stuck between his teeth.

Please enjoy: 00:23:57

"Word around the office is that the lunch bandit is none other than our prized sales manager, Jim Grossman.

Please enjoy: 00:24:03

They're not angry at the new friendly process manager who's been hired to make their jobs easier.

Please enjoy: 00:24:08

No, they're ready to tear apart the one who's been here the whole time,

Please enjoy: 00:24:13

taking their delicious meals

Please enjoy: 00:24:15

and forcing them to suffer on the sorry excuse for food

Please enjoy: 00:24:18

that is the deli across the street.

Please enjoy: 00:24:20

street." A low grumble stirred in Jim's throat,

Please enjoy: 00:24:22

his tail thumping against the booth

Please enjoy: 00:24:24

seat. "Fine, you want to know why?

Please enjoy: 00:24:28

You can't keep this up.

Please enjoy: 00:24:29

If everyone's lunch continues to go missing and eaten,

Please enjoy: 00:24:32

they'll no longer bring food.

Please enjoy: 00:24:34

They'll keep it in their desks, safe and secure.

Please enjoy: 00:24:37

Once that happens,

Please enjoy: 00:24:38

no one wins. Neither I nor you."

Please enjoy: 00:24:40

"The way I look at it,

Please enjoy: 00:24:42

if I remove the one who's been stealing food,

Please enjoy: 00:24:44

then all those lunches he was going to eat

Please enjoy: 00:24:46

will now be mine.

Please enjoy: 00:24:47

mine." The wolf's ears perked.

Please enjoy: 00:24:49

"You--you wouldn't dare."

Please enjoy: 00:24:52

"It's already begun.

Please enjoy: 00:24:54

Have a good lunch, Jim.

Please enjoy: 00:24:55

Jim." The bear strolled out of the kitchen.

Please enjoy: 00:24:58

Jim's eye twitched.

Please enjoy: 00:24:59

His shoulders rose and fell as he huffed.

Please enjoy: 00:25:01

That pompous, wretched ursine.

Please enjoy: 00:25:03

If he thinks-- "Jim!"

Please enjoy: 00:25:06

A screech snapped the wolf out of his train of thought.

Please enjoy: 00:25:09

He looked up to see Yelena standing horrified over him.

Please enjoy: 00:25:12

The lioness clutched her face in shock

Please enjoy: 00:25:14

at the empty containers scattered about the table. "How-

Please enjoy: 00:25:16

-how could you?

Please enjoy: 00:25:23

Gran-Gran's cookies...

Please enjoy: 00:25:24

cookies..." Tears fell down the lioness's cheeks as she picked up the empty purple container.

Please enjoy: 00:25:28

Turning it upside down,

Please enjoy: 00:25:30

she watched a few loose crumbs trickle out.

Please enjoy: 00:25:32

"No!" The wolf's hands shot up.

Please enjoy: 00:25:35

"I love Gran-Gran. I'd never eat her cookies."

Please enjoy: 00:25:37

"What's going on here?"

Please enjoy: 00:25:39

The other associates were already filing into the lunch room for their break.

Please enjoy: 00:25:43

Noticing the scene at the booth, they came over to investigate,

Please enjoy: 00:25:45

only to find themselves also victims.

Please enjoy: 00:25:48

"Hey, that was my lunch!"

Please enjoy: 00:25:49

"Wow, Jim, this is a new low!"

Please enjoy: 00:25:52

"You know, we've been putting up with this for a while, but this is ridiculous.

Please enjoy: 00:25:56

ridiculous." Jim's head zipped between angry co-workers,

Please enjoy: 00:25:59

each one staring him down with disapproval and disgust.

Please enjoy: 00:26:03

The lupine slid out of the booth and pushed past them,

Please enjoy: 00:26:05

dashing out into the hallway, yelling, "It wasn't me! I didn't do it!"

Please enjoy: 00:26:10

The mob chased after him,

Please enjoy: 00:26:11

hungry for revenge and calling him out for crimes against their leftovers.

Please enjoy: 00:26:15

The kitchen emptied faster than it filled,

Please enjoy: 00:26:17

the lunch containers left alone on the table.

Please enjoy: 00:26:19

Danny walked in and looked around,

Please enjoy: 00:26:21

wondering where everyone was.

Please enjoy: 00:26:23

With a shrug, he walked over to the fridge,

Please enjoy: 00:26:25

opened it, and pulled out his container.

Please enjoy: 00:26:27

"Yes! Lunchtime!" # Jim sulked the whole trip home.

Please enjoy: 00:26:33

His day had gone from great to horrible in a matter of minutes

Please enjoy: 00:26:36

thanks to that conniving bear.

Please enjoy: 00:26:38

Not only did everyone at the office accuse him wrongfully,

Please enjoy: 00:26:41

they glared at him for the rest of the afternoon.

Please enjoy: 00:26:43

Even after forcing him to buy them all sandwiches from across the street.

Please enjoy: 00:26:47

Sure the food was as terrible,

Please enjoy: 00:26:49

but they could at least have been grateful for his generosity.

Please enjoy: 00:26:52

Cellphone tucked between his head and shoulder,

Please enjoy: 00:26:54

Jim ordered another of his favourite pizzas while searching the fridge for any beer.

Please enjoy: 00:26:58

Finding none, the defeated lupine grabbed a couple of cans of cola

Please enjoy: 00:27:02

and flopped onto his couch, waiting for the delivery boy.

Please enjoy: 00:27:05

"No good, dirty-handed, scoundrel, scum bear.

Please enjoy: 00:27:08

bear." Jim muttered to himself between sips of his soda.

Please enjoy: 00:27:11

He brooded as he slid a classic spaghetti Western into his media player.

Please enjoy: 00:27:15

The on-screen sheriff displayed his shiny badge with pride.

Please enjoy: 00:27:19

He called out to the bandits causing a ruckus in the street,

Please enjoy: 00:27:22

"You think you can come into my town and cause trouble?"

Please enjoy: 00:27:25

Jim's eye's narrowed at the screen,

Please enjoy: 00:27:27

his tail wagging slow.

Please enjoy: 00:27:29

"Yeah, you think you can come into my office and cause trouble, Harold?"

Please enjoy: 00:27:33

The two characters stared each other down.

Please enjoy: 00:27:36

The villain pulled away his coat,

Please enjoy: 00:27:37

revealing a shiny six-shooter strapped to his side.

Please enjoy: 00:27:41

"I think it's too late for that, Sheriff.

Please enjoy: 00:27:43

Sheriff." Jim watched intently,

Please enjoy: 00:27:45

replaying the scene from lunch in his head.

Please enjoy: 00:27:47

Harold challenging his rule over the kitchen.

Please enjoy: 00:27:50

The camera zoomed in on the short badger with the sheriff's badge.

Please enjoy: 00:27:53

He snarled, "This town ain't big enough for the both of us."

Please enjoy: 00:27:57

"This office ain't big enough for the both of us.

Please enjoy: 00:27:59

us." The wolf repeated,

Please enjoy: 00:28:01

picturing the bear standing in front of him,

Please enjoy: 00:28:02

mocking him with that dumb grin.

Please enjoy: 00:28:05

Jim spat at Harold's feet.

Please enjoy: 00:28:07

The wad of spit hit his carpet with a splat.

Please enjoy: 00:28:09

The duo on screen

Please enjoy: 00:28:11

dared each other to move,

Please enjoy: 00:28:12

eyes never straying.

Please enjoy: 00:28:14

The sun watched from up high

Please enjoy: 00:28:15

as furry digits dangled beside firearms.

Please enjoy: 00:28:18

The town chapel began to chime the hour with a solemn bell toll,

Please enjoy: 00:28:22

each strike of the bell rising the tension higher

Please enjoy: 00:28:24

and higher. The clock struck again

and again: 00:28:27

nine, ten, eleven.

and again: 00:28:30

On the twelfth and final chime,

and again: 00:28:31

the desperado and the sheriff drew with lightning speed, firing off shots,

and again: 00:28:35

and rolling for cover.

and again: 00:28:36

"That's it!" Jim sprang up,

and again: 00:28:38

his cola spilling

and again: 00:28:39

and mixing with his spent saliva.

and again: 00:28:41

When the pizza boy arrived, Jim asked, "Hey, kid,

and again: 00:28:44

how would you like to make a

and again: 00:28:45

big tip?" # FRIDAY The entire office glared every time they passed Jim's empty cubicle,

and again: 00:28:53

unsure if they were happy the lunch bandit didn't show today

and again: 00:28:56

or angry since they wanted to ream him out more.

and again: 00:28:59

The clock was ticking closer to the noon hour.

and again: 00:29:02

Megan sat by her desk, silk daffodils beside her looking the same as always.

and again: 00:29:06

When the door to reception opened, Megan cheerfully called out,

and again: 00:29:10

"Good morning and welcome to Fa-

and again: 00:29:12

-" The vixen stopped mid-sentence, looking up at the wolf who just entered.

and again: 00:29:15

"Jim?" "Hi Megan," Jim waved at her from behind a pair of large aviator shades.

and again: 00:29:22

The wolf stood in the middle of the lobby,

and again: 00:29:24

a plastic rifle slung over his shoulder.

and again: 00:29:27

A quick rummage through the office supply closet

and again: 00:29:29

and the wolf added to his arsenal a pair of staplers, hooked to his belt,

and again: 00:29:33

and a set of packing tape dispensers peeking out of his pockets.

and again: 00:29:36

Jim stepped into the office

and again: 00:29:37

and looked around.

and again: 00:29:39

Everyone turned, the lupine scent filling the room

and again: 00:29:41

and twitching their noses.

and again: 00:29:43

The door at the end of the room swung open

and again: 00:29:45

and Sandra stepped out.

and again: 00:29:47

"Jim! Where have you been?

and again: 00:29:49

And what are you doing?"

and again: 00:29:51

"Jim?" The wolf sneered. His voice changed to a fake Mexican accent.

and again: 00:29:56

"There is no Jim. I am Hosea,

and again: 00:29:58

destroyer of bears.

and again: 00:30:00

bears." Before the cougar could offer a rebuttal,

and again: 00:30:03

the lumbering head of a brown bear rose up over Harold's cubicle wall.

and again: 00:30:07

The ursine pulled out his own pair of black tinted aviators

and again: 00:30:10

and slid them over his eyes.

and again: 00:30:12

"I knew you would come."

and again: 00:30:14

"Then you're prepared to die.

and again: 00:30:16

die." Jim slid the action on the toy rifle back,

and again: 00:30:19

the weapon making a resounding click as the elastic inside primed the foam dart in its chamber.

and again: 00:30:24

Harold stepped out from his cubicle,

and again: 00:30:26

brandishing a pair of plastic squeaky revolvers,

and again: 00:30:28

primed and ready to fire their own pair of

and again: 00:30:31

foam darts. "Wait, what?"

and again: 00:30:34

Jim's voice snapped back to normal.

and again: 00:30:36

He pushed his shades down his muzzle so he could glance at the fake weapons in the bear's paws.

and again: 00:30:40

"You...actually have been carrying around a pair of toy guns this entire time?"

and again: 00:30:44

Harold shrugged. "You'd be surprised how often this happens to me.

and again: 00:30:48

me." The wolf blinked

and again: 00:30:50

and then shrugged, pushing his shades back up.

and again: 00:30:52

"Then it's come to this.

and again: 00:30:54

this." The two stood tall, unwavering.

and again: 00:30:57

Jim's desk clock

and again: 00:30:59

blinked from 11:49 to 11:50, setting off the alarm and crying out a series of buzzing.

and again: 00:31:04

One. Two. Three. As the buzzes continued, the two co-workers glared at each other.

and again: 00:31:10

Four. Five. Six. The rest of the office watched with a hush.

and again: 00:31:14

Seven. Eight. Nine.

and again: 00:31:16

Twitchy fingers slid against bright coloured triggers.

and again: 00:31:19

Ten. Eleven. Twelve.

and again: 00:31:21

The wolf squeezed his trigger;

and again: 00:31:22

the bear's grip tightened.

and again: 00:31:23

Both gunfighters fired.

and again: 00:31:25

Foam darts whistled through the air.

and again: 00:31:27

Harold ducked behind a fake birch to dodge one;

and again: 00:31:30

Jim rolled into his cubicle as another two flew by.

and again: 00:31:32

"You'll never make it!"

and again: 00:31:34

Jim shouted. Popping up to fire another dart.

and again: 00:31:36

"The people will know the truth about your deeds today!"

and again: 00:31:40

Harold dived into a nearby cubicle and

and again: 00:31:41

away from the neon orange flying foam,

and again: 00:31:44

toppling over the birch in the process.

and again: 00:31:46

He then jumped up

and again: 00:31:47

and fired two shots over the cubicle wall.

and again: 00:31:49

"The truth will only hurt you as well!"

and again: 00:31:51

"Justice is cruel but must be served,"

and again: 00:31:54

grunted Jim. "What are you two doing?"

and again: 00:31:57

screamed Sandra. The cougar ran to the office beside hers,

and again: 00:31:59

banging on the door.

and again: 00:32:01

"This is ridiculous!

and again: 00:32:02

I'm getting Gene.

and again: 00:32:03

Gene." Jim fired another dart but the bear was too entrenched behind cover to get a good shot.

and again: 00:32:08

Setting his rifle aside,

and again: 00:32:09

he pulled out the tape dispensers.

and again: 00:32:11

He let two long strips of packing tape reel out before cutting them off.

and again: 00:32:14

Taking the strips,

and again: 00:32:15

he rolled them into their own individual tape balls, sticky side out.

and again: 00:32:20

The wolf's ear twitched at any sound

and again: 00:32:21

as he peered over his cubicle wall.

and again: 00:32:24

The snap of another shot sent Jim ducking.

and again: 00:32:26

He glanced up to see a yellow foam dart arc over the wall

and again: 00:32:29

and stick to his computer screen with a satisfying thwak.

and again: 00:32:32

Now was his chance.

and again: 00:32:34

He peeked over the wall and let his tape balls fly.

and again: 00:32:36

The volley spun through the air and disappeared into Harold's hideout-cubicle.

and again: 00:32:40

A cry of pain cut through the air.

and again: 00:32:42

"Gah, No!" Harold rolled out from his desk into the main office,

and again: 00:32:46

his arm flailing, trying to shake off the two tape balls stuck to his fur.

and again: 00:32:50

The window of attack wide open,

and again: 00:32:52

Jim leaped from the cover of his desk and fired another dart.

and again: 00:32:55

The whistling orange streak pierced the air

and again: 00:32:58

and struck Harold's shoulder.

and again: 00:32:59

The bear wailed at the hit

and again: 00:33:01

and fired in retaliation.

and again: 00:33:03

"What is going on here?"

and again: 00:33:05

A voice boomed behind them.

and again: 00:33:07

The duo twisted around to see Gene staring in disbelief,

and again: 00:33:10

Sandra smugly standing behind him,

and again: 00:33:12

arms crossed and tail swinging back and forth. "It's...

and again: 00:33:15

"It's...uh-uh." Jim stammered, looking for an answer. "Uh-

and again: 00:33:19

-A team building exercise.

and again: 00:33:20

exercise." Harold picked up where the wolf left off.

and again: 00:33:24

The badger blinked.

and again: 00:33:25

"Oh!" His ears perked, and he smiled.

and again: 00:33:28

"Great work you two. I'm glad you have your priorities straight.

and again: 00:33:31

Continue." Gene turned and headed back to his office.

and again: 00:33:35

"Wait! What?" Sandra screeched.

and again: 00:33:38

Silence swept over the room

and again: 00:33:40

as the bear and wolf glanced around,

and again: 00:33:42

their co-workers urging them to finish the fight.

and again: 00:33:45

"You can take my lunch when you pry it from my cold, dead hands.

and again: 00:33:48

hands." Jim dropped his rifle

and again: 00:33:49

and whisked his arms up from his sides, snagging the staplers in his paws.

and again: 00:33:53

Pointing them at the ursine,

and again: 00:33:54

he squeezed them one after the other, strafing the bear

and again: 00:33:57

and firing staple after staple into his thick brown coat. "Argh!"

and again: 00:34:01

Harold cried out in agony.

and again: 00:34:03

He swatted at the incoming barrage of metal fasteners but was unable to stop their attack.

and again: 00:34:07

"Okay, okay! You got me.

and again: 00:34:09

me." The bear dropped his plastic guns and clutched at his chest.

and again: 00:34:13

"I want the truth.

and again: 00:34:14

truth." Jim nudged the bear with a stapler.

and again: 00:34:17

"Tell our audience what you did yesterday. Loud and clear.

and again: 00:34:20

clear." Harold grimaced. Only when Jim fired off another barrage of thin silver pieces did he conceded. "Alright, stop!

and again: 00:34:26

I did it! I ate everyone's lunches.

and again: 00:34:29

lunches." A gasp echoed amongst the crowd.

and again: 00:34:32

"Even...Gran-Gran's cookies.

and again: 00:34:34

cookies." Yelena let out a wail,

and again: 00:34:36

mourning the memory of the sugary, handmade treats.

and again: 00:34:40

Harold sneered at Jim.

and again: 00:34:41

"But my confession doesn't make up for the months,

and again: 00:34:44

years even, of stolen lunches before I arrived.

and again: 00:34:47

Defeating me does nothing.

and again: 00:34:48

nothing." The bear erupted into maniacal laughter that turned into coughing until he collapsed on the floor,

and again: 00:34:53

feigning death. Jim nodded,

and again: 00:34:56

turning to face his officemates.

and again: 00:34:58

"He's right. I've wronged you all.

and again: 00:35:00

I've taken your precious food without asking. It was shameful of me.

and again: 00:35:04

I don't deserve to be your sales manager.

and again: 00:35:06

All I can do is ask for forgiveness.

and again: 00:35:08

forgiveness." He tossed the staplers to the side,

and again: 00:35:11

kneeling before them with his head bowed.

and again: 00:35:13

The lobby doors opened and Megan poked her head through.

and again: 00:35:16

She blinked confused at the sorry sight of the office,

and again: 00:35:19

scattered foam darts everywhere.

and again: 00:35:21

"Jim? Zippy's Pizzeria is here.

and again: 00:35:24

They said you paid extra to have them deliver all the way out here?"

and again: 00:35:27

"I offer a pizza party for everyone!" shouted Jim.

and again: 00:35:31

His co-workers burst out in a cheer. "I can't

and again: 00:35:34

believe all of you!"

and again: 00:35:36

Sandra's screeching voice returned,

and again: 00:35:37

leaving Gene's office.

and again: 00:35:39

"Jim steals our lunches for months, has a ridiculous, disruptive, childish play fight in the middle of the office, and then you forget it all just because he buys you all pizza?"

and again: 00:35:49

The office workers looked at one another

and again: 00:35:50

then back to cougar.

and again: 00:35:52

Andrew stepped forward, replying,

and again: 00:35:53

"At least it makes a dull job entertaining?"

and again: 00:35:56

Sandra tugged her ears and twitched.

and again: 00:35:58

"That's it! I quit!"

and again: 00:36:00

She threw her hands in the air.

and again: 00:36:01

Tail lashing behind her,

and again: 00:36:02

she stomped past the group

and again: 00:36:04

and out of the room.

and again: 00:36:05

The door to Gene's office opened and the badger poked his head out.

and again: 00:36:08

"What's all the yelling out here?"

and again: 00:36:10

"Sandra quit." Jim answered.

and again: 00:36:13

"I'm going to miss eating her lunches," sighed Harold.

and again: 00:36:16

"I know, right?" Jim nodded in agreement.

and again: 00:36:19

"Oh, well, she was just a fern anyways.

and again: 00:36:22

anyways." The boss stepped out from his office.

and again: 00:36:24

"I heard something about a pizza party?

and again: 00:36:26

Sounds like a great way to end a team-building exercise."

and again: 00:36:30

"Wait, she's a fern?"

and again: 00:36:32

The wolf tilted his head.

and again: 00:36:33

"That's the plant I picked for her." Gene waved

and again: 00:36:36

a paw in the air. "They're

and again: 00:36:37

boring, simple, and easy to replace.

and again: 00:36:40

replace." Danny peaked his head around the corner into the room.

and again: 00:36:43

"Hey, there's a pizza party going on?

and again: 00:36:46

Any vegan options?"

and again: 00:36:48

Jim glared at the coyote.

and again: 00:36:50

"Get lost, Danny."This was

and again: 00:36:54

“Food, Feuds and Fake Flora”

and again: 00:36:56

by Ocean Tigrox,

and again: 00:36:58

read for you by Khaki,

and again: 00:36:59

your faithful fireside companion.

and again: 00:37:01

Thank you for listening

and again: 00:37:02

to The Voice of Dog