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“Vagabond” by TiberiusRings & Fruitz (part 2 of 2)
You’re listening to Pride Month on The Voice of Dog. This is Rob MacWolf, your fellow traveler, and Today’s story is the second and final part of “Vagabond” by Tiberius Rings & Fruitz, who have co-written their Victorian Age thriller, Come to Dust, and are currently publishing the sequel, Burn down the Tower. Each chapter illustrated by Fruitz. A third book is currently being written to end the trilogy of Simon King.
A word of caution, while today’s story is intended as a celebration of gay history, mention is made of a character having endured thoughts of self-harm. We at the voice of dog urge you to remember that you are not alone, and to reach out if you need help.
Last time, our narrator Beau began to recount how he left his small town to figure out what it meant to be gay. On his journey he met friends from the internet who shared their experiences with him. We left Beau enjoying his time in Flagstaff Arizona with Claude and his gay-poly relationship.
Read for you by Rob MacWolf — werewolf hitchhiker.
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https://thevoice.dog/episode/vagabond-by-tiberiusrings-fruitz-part-2-of-2
Transcript
You’re listening to Pride Month on The Voice of Dog.
Speaker:This is Rob MacWolf, your fellow traveler,
Speaker:and Today’s story is the second and final part of “Vagabond”
Speaker:by Tiberius Rings & Fruitz, who have co
Speaker:-written their Victorian Age thriller, Come to Dust, and are currently publishing the sequel, Burn down the Tower.
Speaker:Each chapter illustrated by Fruitz.
Speaker:A third book is currently being written to end the trilogy of Simon King.
Speaker:A word of caution,
Speaker:while today’s story is intended as a celebration
Speaker:of gay history,
Speaker:mention is made of a character having endured thoughts of self-harm.
Speaker:We at the voice of dog urge you to remember that you are not alone,
Speaker:and to reach out
Speaker:if you need help.
Speaker:Last time, our narrator Beau began to recount how he left his small town to figure out what it meant to be gay.
Speaker:On his journey he met friends from the internet who shared their experiences with him. We left Beau enjoying his time in Flagstaff Arizona
Speaker:with Claude and his gay-poly relationship.
Speaker:Please enjoy “Vagabond”
Speaker:by TiberiusRings and Fruitz, Part 2 of 2 I think of my sojourn in Flagstaff as the time when I really embraced the gay culture in a way that I couldn’t in Boston.
Speaker:These were men who were beginning to settle in,
Speaker:didn’t want or need to go out all the time and party (though they
Speaker:absolutely still did), and were
Speaker:developing their lives.
Speaker:The thing that struck me was that they were just so happy all the time.
Speaker:It wasn’t fake, either.
Speaker:You could tell that they had found the people who they wanted to be with,
Speaker:and they were genuinely loving every moment of it.
Speaker:They also took me under their wing, so to speak.
Speaker:Jason showed me how to really dress if I wanted to attract
Speaker:guys. He brought me to the mall many times
Speaker:and had me try on all kinds of clothes, even stuff I would
Speaker:never have worn back home.
Speaker:For the first time in my life,
Speaker:I felt sexy and desired beyond just the people I knew online.
Speaker:That was the part of my life I found men at the gay clubs and
Speaker:spent nights with them.
Speaker:Not all the time, not every night,
Speaker:but I was flirting, looking for someone to develop a relationship with,
Speaker:and I was enjoying the sex.
Speaker:It was a kind of freedom I didn’t have in Boston,
Speaker:where I was so scared to be on my own in a gay club that I had stuck to Nick like glue.
Speaker:But here, I had gone out many times when the boys didn’t want to,
Speaker:and I didn’t come home until the next morning.
Speaker:It was in Flagstaff that I realized I could be more than just a gay kid
Speaker:—I could be a gay man
Speaker:and thrive with that kind of life.
Speaker:I spent two years there.
Speaker:I was happy, but I was also alone. I never had a serious relationship,
Speaker:and once again, I had felt the pull of something more.
Speaker:I yearned to see more.
Speaker:So I was back on the road to continue my journey as a vagabond.
Speaker:When I left Arizona, I was not the neophyte who had
Speaker:driven in looking for scrambled eggs and bacon.
Speaker:I had more experience, more confidence,
Speaker:and a better understanding of who I was and what I wanted.
Speaker:Claude, Jason, and Miles were together for the rest of their lives.
Speaker:I went to their wedding
Speaker:and—sadly—their funerals.
Speaker:I miss them dearly as
Speaker:I consider them the men who really showed me what I could get in life if I pushed for it.
Speaker:But when I feel sad about their passing, I remember
Speaker:how happy they were
Speaker:and what joy they brought to the people around them.
Speaker:I look at their picture every night before
Speaker:I go to bed, remembering these friends who gave me so much and asked for nothing in return.
Speaker:———— Coming out of the closet
Speaker:and embracing yourself
Speaker:is harder than most people think.
Speaker:Sure, back when I was a kid, things were definitely improving,
Speaker:but what about the men before my generation?
Speaker:I was about to get a history lesson in what it meant to be a homosexual
Speaker:the decades prior.
Speaker:After leaving Arizona, I went where
Speaker:everyone on a wandering journey around America inevitably goes—California.
Speaker:I had thought about
Speaker:going to Hollywood and seeing the things I’d only seen on TV,
Speaker:but something pulled me up the highway and I soon found myself in the historical city of San Francisco,
Speaker:a place where LGBTQIA+ people had been flocking to for
Speaker:decades. First things first, of course, I did the touristy things.
Speaker:Going to Alcatraz, seeing the Golden Gate,
Speaker:eating the wonderful food in the Mission District,
Speaker:going to Sutro Tower… One by one,
Speaker:I checked off the list of all the stuff I needed to do as a
Speaker:tourist before I sank my teeth into the meat
Speaker:of the city. I didn’t really know anyone in this area,
Speaker:so I put my name out on a few message boards.
Speaker:A man saw my post requesting for a place to crash and reached out.
Speaker:We decided to meet up at a local coffee shop.
Speaker:He was an older tiger.
Speaker:Not “old” as…you know…but he was definitely not someone I would have sought out to be friends with
Speaker:back then. I was so superficial in those days, I’m sorry.
Speaker:The tiger was still good-looking
Speaker:—a man who kept up with his time at the gym, but you could see the years starting to work him over.
Speaker:His eyes looked a little tired and his body did not have that svelte feline grace you would expect, though I did observe some muscles rippling under that orange fur. He was
Speaker:wearing a nice button up shirt and a vest
Speaker:with green rimmed glasses.
Speaker:When he stood up from the table, he towered over me, holding out his giant hand to shake mine.
Speaker:“Beau?” His voice was warm and smooth.
Speaker:He smiled down at me with a charm I did not expect.
Speaker:“That’s me. You’re Arnold?”
Speaker:I kept feeling my eyes wanting to drift over his body. This man was old enough to be my
Speaker:Pa, but he was attractive!
Speaker:I was almost scared about that,
Speaker:but also somewhat thrilled.
Speaker:Until now no one had shown interest in me besides men hovering around my age. This was uncharted territory.
Speaker:“Guilty as charged,”
Speaker:the tiger said and motioned to the table.
Speaker:“I took the liberty of ordering you some coffee.
Speaker:My treat.” “Thanks.” I sat down, wrapping my fingers around the steaming cup of coffee that was
Speaker:admittedly some of the best I’d ever had.
Speaker:I explained to him about my
Speaker:“adventure” and that I was looking to stay in the city for an
Speaker:indeterminate amount of time. He said
Speaker:that was fine and even
Speaker:offered to help me find a job.
Speaker:He worked up in Mountain View making video games.
Speaker:I realized then that this man had money.
Speaker:I was a little surprised he wanted to take some
Speaker:riff raff in, but I was not going to turn a blind eye to kindness.
Speaker:“The house may be a bit much compared to most places here,
Speaker:but just know that I am not one of those snobs.”
Speaker:Arnold led me into his house that was set into a hill overlooked the city.
Speaker:It had large windows with expensive-looking sofas and artwork. The house looked old on the outside but was glamorous and new on the inside.
Speaker:Arnold seemed to be giddy with
Speaker:showing me how everything in the home could be controlled with a
Speaker:touchscreen hidden into the walls all over the house.
Speaker:He was a real tech guy
Speaker:and his den was a testament to that passion.
Speaker:There was a long workbench with various computers, monitors and shelves of games and other video game paraphernalia.
Speaker:A large light set into the ceiling shone the room with muted coloring,
Speaker:illuminating curved sofas that
Speaker:all faced inwards, not outwards.
Speaker:On the wall were VR goggles and controllers, complete with
Speaker:full-body and facial tracking devices.
Speaker:He showed me a recording he had made in VR of an avatar—a blue colored tiger—wielding a giant sword. The movements were
Speaker:crisp and fluid. “I made the hardware for this tech and
Speaker:I’ve been refining the code,”
Speaker:he explained. “It’s on the market now but this stuff is a prototype that I’m working on.
Speaker:It’s not great but it’s going to be something major one day, just you wait.”
Speaker:Arnold was humble.
Speaker:When I was able to look him up on my phone, I found the man was one of those souls who came around
Speaker:once in a generation. He didn’t
Speaker:care about money or fame but
Speaker:wanted to give something to the world and push his knowledge as far as he could while still having fun.
Speaker:He was bashful about showing off, though,
Speaker:acting like he would be scolded for it.
Speaker:I made it my mission to make time for him if he wanted to show me something.
Speaker:He was letting me live here rent-free, after all.
Speaker:Weeks went on and I found myself loving the gay culture in San Francisco.
Speaker:It was diverse and broad with all kinds of people from all walks of life.
Speaker:I learned something about our history,
Speaker:such as Harvey Milk, and the AIDS epidemic of the 80’s,
Speaker:and started to realize that the men before us had been through a lot.
Speaker:Arnold was reserved but also incredibly friendly.
Speaker:He never wanted to go out to the bars or the clubs with me, which I did
Speaker:offer. But when he wanted to go out to dinner and I was home, he always
Speaker:invited me, and it was always his treat.
Speaker:He wasn’t trying to romance me, I could tell that from the beginning—it was something else.
Speaker:The man was lonely.
Speaker:It took months for him to open up to me about his life,
Speaker:and even then it was incredibly difficult to get more than a mumble out of him initially.
Speaker:He seemed embarrassed,
Speaker:but it all came to a head when there was a knock on the front door one Sunday morning.
Speaker:When I answered the door,
Speaker:I saw a young tiger about my age standing there. He looked surprised—which I can’t blame them for, since they expected a tiger and instead saw a raccoon greeting them at the door
Speaker:—but quickly recovered.
Speaker:“Hey, is Arnold here?”
Speaker:“Yeah,” I said, but secretly thinking, What was Arnold doing inviting someone home that was my age? He never had guests
Speaker:besides the odd friend from work and his
Speaker:Dungeons and Dragons group every other Saturday (he had
Speaker:roped me into the game and I quickly became a fan).
Speaker:“Wait!” Arnold shouted as he came running down the corner, panting and holding the wall.
Speaker:He grunted. “Drat. I was
Speaker:trying to get to the door before you, Beau.”
Speaker:The younger tiger muscled passed me and
Speaker:walked up to Arnold, hugging him tightly.
Speaker:“Hey Dad!” My ringed tail puffed and I stood there staring at the embracing tigers with saucers-like eyes.
Speaker:Arnold blushed deeply by this revelation about the young tiger.
Speaker:I smiled politely and shook my head.
Speaker:“No sweat, Arnie. I was in the middle of something anyway.”
Speaker:I left the father and son alone.
Speaker:The son, Arthur, stuck around for hours, during which I heard them having fun in the game room.
Speaker:I wanted to join in but thought it would be impolite to barge in, so I let the family have their time and stayed in my room
Speaker:—or the bedroom I was borrowing.
Speaker:It wasn’t until Arthur left that Arnold knocked on my door.
Speaker:“Hey,” he said as he stepped in.
Speaker:“Can we talk?” “Arnie,
Speaker:you don’t have to tell me anything.”
Speaker:I watched the tiger twitch his tail nervously,
Speaker:frowning. “But you’re still my friend and I don’t,
Speaker:you know, think anything less about you, if you’re worried about that.”
Speaker:Arnold turned to leave with his hands in his neatly-pressed pants pockets but
Speaker:stopped, shook his head, and came back inside.
Speaker:He sat on a chair and faced me.
Speaker:“I think I’m…okay to talk about it.”
Speaker:I listened politely as Arnold took a deep
Speaker:breath. “Arthur is
Speaker:one year older than you,
Speaker:give or take a month or two. I have
Speaker:two other sons, Andrew and Aiden.
Speaker:Triplets. The other two are probably going to stop by sometime this month as well, just so you know.
Speaker:I…well, it was a different time back then, Beau.”
Speaker:I tilted my head.
Speaker:“You mean…because you had a wife and
Speaker:kids?” Arnold nodded solemnly.
Speaker:“When…when I was a younger man, being gay was almost the same as being a criminal.
Speaker:People thought I could go about abusing children, that I
Speaker:stalked schools and wanted to only satisfy my deviancy.
Speaker:You heard it everywhere you went
Speaker:—there wasn’t anything like the Internet in those days, no online message boards and communities,
Speaker:not big ones anyway. I had no one to talk to.
Speaker:So I convinced myself I was not gay and I
Speaker:swallowed everything about what made me who I was and met my wife.”
Speaker:Arnold smiled as his eyes unfocused and seemed to be looking at something across time.
Speaker:“She was a great woman, you know?
Speaker:We got along so well at work. We were
Speaker:best friends, she could finish my sentences and I hers.
Speaker:I loved her, and I still do love her,
Speaker:but…not in the way that
Speaker:matters. We endured and
Speaker:got married. I remember I was so nervous on my wedding night. I was a
Speaker:true blue virgin, if you can believe it.
Speaker:I think that’s why I was able to
Speaker:finish, I was so excited that it didn’t last long.
Speaker:But I remember thinking that something didn’t feel right.”
Speaker:I had never slept with a woman before so I didn’t know what the point of reference
Speaker:was. I knew that gay men who had slept with women said that it felt fine but also off, like it wasn’t meant for them.
Speaker:I think that’s what Arnold was trying to tell me.
Speaker:“Still, I pushed on.
Speaker:We didn’t have sexual relations often, and most of the time I would
Speaker:lose my ability, if you know what I mean,
Speaker:and at first she was okay with it.
Speaker:When we had the boys we were both so busy with taking care of three boys and our careers that I had an out.
Speaker:I had done my fatherly duties and had children,
Speaker:but I could tell she wanted me to be more romantic, more loving, and I
Speaker:didn’t know how to
Speaker:fulfill that. I was supportive and kind but…I
Speaker:never got the desire to bring her flowers or chocolates,
Speaker:or swoon her. She knew I was attracted to men,
Speaker:she had known since
Speaker:before we got married, and I
Speaker:think she was starting to realize how
Speaker:true it was.” The older tiger plucked his glasses from his face and wiped his eyes.
Speaker:“Things quickly deteriorated between us.
Speaker:I was trying to find any excuse
Speaker:to not go home or
Speaker:work over time. I had finally worked up the courage to go to the gay neighborhood,
Speaker:the Castro one night…and Beau,
Speaker:my world opened up to me.”
Speaker:I watched as Arnold’s face lit up like the sun.
Speaker:“I met a guy at a bar…oh
Speaker:gosh, a lion, I think. Swept me off my feet. I felt
Speaker:drawn to him like a magnet, and that night I
Speaker:cheated on my wife and my vows.
Speaker:But it had been the most liberating moment of my young life,
Speaker:Beau. I left feeling so good
Speaker:and so awful. I kept it all inside and kept
Speaker:sneaking away, spending time away from my young family because I was finally feeling like myself.”
Speaker:“That’s not a bad thing,
Speaker:Arnie,” I said softly.
Speaker:Ther tiger lifted his hand to shush me politely.
Speaker:“I’m sure she knew.
Speaker:She endured it for more than anyone should have, and I was
Speaker:not careful about my infidelity.
Speaker:Lord knows I should have been, though.”
Speaker:“What do you mean?”
Speaker:“Back then, there was the AIDS epidemic, but no one really called it that. Hell,
Speaker:no one really knew what it was, but it was killing gay men at a rapid rate. Back then, sex was a lot more free and a lot less keen on the idea of
Speaker:sexual protection.
Speaker:I slept around with
Speaker:reckless abandon and I was an idiot for it.
Speaker:I had tried to sleep with my wife several times while I cheated on her and realized that, if I had been infected,
Speaker:I could have gotten her sick,
Speaker:too. Thankfully that never came around.”
Speaker:Arnold swallowed hard.
Speaker:“Beau, that time was an awful period to be gay.
Speaker:Especially here.
Speaker:On one hand you felt liberated because you felt like you could be yourself, be free,
Speaker:but…oh god, Beau, so many of my friends got sick and died.
Speaker:I’ve been to more funerals than I want to count. I watched
Speaker:good men—wonderful men—die slowly,
Speaker:painfully, and above all…alone.
Speaker:When these men were sick and dying in the hospitals, the nurses
Speaker:didn’t want to go near them
Speaker:and their families abandoned them.”
Speaker:The man was openly crying now,
Speaker:tears forming a moist train on the fur of his face.
Speaker:“I lost so many good people, and I was hurting a woman who was my friend.
Speaker:Eventually it all came crashing down around me and she left me,
Speaker:took our boys, and moved to Santa Cruz.
Speaker:She never blamed it on me being gay,
Speaker:but I had broken our family by not trying harder,
Speaker:or so I thought. On top of all this, my friends were sick or dying if not dead.
Speaker:I didn’t know who to turn to, who to talk to,
Speaker:I considered suicide more than once, Beau.
Speaker:“It took me years to come around. I hated
Speaker:being gay. I hated that I lost my family,
Speaker:and that my friends were dying, and that society didn’t like me… So I tried hard not to be.
Speaker:I shut my heart down, and while I was able to function, I wasn’t living.
Speaker:I realized that I had
Speaker:cut myself off from feeling things because I was so scared to be hurt.
Speaker:I’ve worked hard to undo that barrier, but it’s
Speaker:still up, I’m sure you can tell.
Speaker:I don’t talk about myself a lot and I don’t…really
Speaker:know how to be around other gay men like I used to.” Arnold stared at me with tears streaming down his face, but he was smiling.
Speaker:“When I saw your ad, I thought this might be a
Speaker:great opportunity for me to just let the barriers come down completely.
Speaker:You have the chance
Speaker:to be yourself in a society that doesn’t hate gay men like they did in mine.
Speaker:I’m envious and I admit to living this new life vicariously through you, to some degree. But you being here,
Speaker:Beau, has been rewarding for me in so many ways.
Speaker:I should have told you about my boys,
Speaker:but I was afraid you would look down on me if you found out I had shunned
Speaker:being who I was.”
Speaker:I quietly scooted over,
Speaker:put my arms around Arnold,
Speaker:and hugged him tightly and close.
Speaker:He buried his face into my shoulder and I felt him sob.
Speaker:“I don’t judge people like that,”
Speaker:I said, “and I’m so sorry you were, Arnold.”
Speaker:Pretty soon I could also feel myself shedding tears at the thought of how much the man must have suffered.
Speaker:I had no idea that good,
Speaker:kind people like Arnold could struggle with being gay well into middle age. I had no idea that it could hurt them
Speaker:so much. I realized now that I was very lucky that I had mostly positive experiences.
Speaker:Arnold was wounded and he needed someone to help him heal.
Speaker:He was pleading for my help.
Speaker:After that day, we became very close. At my urging,
Speaker:he went to see a therapist
Speaker:but said he would only go if I went with him.
Speaker:He started following me out of the house more
Speaker:(though he said the clubs were too loud)
Speaker:and having a good time.
Speaker:One night while walking through downtown, he stopped me and
Speaker:kissed me on the lips.
Speaker:At first I wasn’t sure what to make of the kiss, but I liked it.
Speaker:I realized then that I wanted someone like Arnold in my life, someone
Speaker:wise and mature who could help guide me through my troubles.
Speaker:My own Pa was never so involved in my life and knew nothing
Speaker:about being gay. I realized, when our lips touched,
Speaker:that we both needed each other for different but wonderful reasons.
Speaker:As we walked home that night, his striped tail reached around and intertwined with my ringed one.
Speaker:We became romantically involved from then on.
Speaker:Until then I never thought I would see myself with someone older, but I liked it.
Speaker:It made me think of Nick and his professor,
Speaker:but it was different with us—I think we were pulled closer because of need
Speaker:rather than pure sexual attraction.
Speaker:Days spent with him were sometimes wild,
Speaker:sometimes funny, but always wholesome.
Speaker:Arnold never did figure out how to use TikTok.
Speaker:That period of growth and learning was, admittedly,
Speaker:the first time in my life that I felt content.
Speaker:I just wish it could have lasted longer.
Speaker:Arnold passed away seven years later.
Speaker:He went in his sleep
Speaker:and didn’t suffer.
Speaker:Losing him hurt me in ways I didn’t
Speaker:expect, but I knew that
Speaker:this was the reality of dating someone so much older than me.
Speaker:The tiger left me his home and a
Speaker:rather surprising amount of money. I’m in the house right now, typing away, sitting at the desk that used to be his.
Speaker:Arnold never bought cheap furniture.
Speaker:That, my dear reader, is something I wanted to share with you
Speaker:—that being gay isn’t about rainbows and corporate icons, but rather, it’s about
Speaker:people. Our history is often overshadowed or omitted, so there is always so much more to tell.
Speaker:Every person who comes out of the closet to be themselves and go against
Speaker:what society may expect of them
Speaker:will face some trial,
Speaker:some tribulation.
Speaker:Each journey is different.
Speaker:Each journey is precious.
Speaker:I was fortunate back then as a hatchling, and today,
Speaker:I’m damned lucky to be as old as I am.
Speaker:I met wonderful people in my life who helped me figure out the question
Speaker:that was always on my mind since I was a teenager:
Speaker:What does it mean
Speaker:to be gay? Even after all these years,
Speaker:after all these experiences—listening to people sharing their lives,
Speaker:meeting new men, marrying my late husband when I was almost Arnold’s age at the time we first met—I still can’t
Speaker:tell you what it means.
Speaker:But if I can impart one kernel of wisdom, it's that pain goes away
Speaker:and joy always comes back.
Speaker:So, go ahead and take flight.
Speaker:There’s still much to be discovered, my dear vagabond. —
Speaker:Beaumont “Beau” Jeune
Speaker:This was the second and final part of “Vagabond” by TiberiusRings & Fruitz,
Speaker:read for you by Rob MacWolf, werewolf
Speaker:hitchhiker. As always, you can find more stories on the web
Speaker:at thevoice.dog,
Speaker:or find the show wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker:Happy Pride,
Speaker:and Thank you for listening to The Voice of Dog.
