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[18+] “Unmasking Pride” by TiberiusRings & Fruitz (read by Kai, part 1 of 2)
[18+] Finding out who you are can be daunting. Society makes us wear a mask to fit in, but are we truly ourselves?
Today’s story is the first of two parts of “Unmasking Pride” by TiberiusRings and Fruitz who recently published their trio Simon King stories which can be purchased on Barnes and Noble.
Read by Kai, an orca adrift in the cosmos.
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https://thevoice.dog/episode/unmasking-pride-by-tiberiusrings-fruitz-part-1-of-2
Transcript
Today's story concerns adult subject matter for mature listeners.
Speaker:If that's not your cup of tea,
Speaker:or there are youngsters listening,
Speaker:please skip this one
Speaker:and come back for another story another time.
Speaker:You’re listening to Pride Month on The Voice of Dog.
Speaker:This is Rob MacWolf, your fellow traveler, and Today’s
Speaker:story is the first of two parts of “Unmasking Pride”
Speaker:by TiberiusRings and Fruitz
Speaker:who recently published their trio Simon King stories which can be purchased on Barnes and Noble.
Speaker:According to legend, the temple of the Delphic Oracle, in ancient Greece,
Speaker:bore an inscription over the entrance that read
Speaker:‘gnothi seauton’ or “Know thyself” in English.
Speaker:This commandment was considered difficult back then,
Speaker:but how much more difficult is it now
Speaker:in a world which believes that some selves ought to remain unknown?
Speaker:That instructs us, instead,
Speaker:to have some other self,
Speaker:which is not ours?
Speaker:Presented with both the hope
Speaker:and the commiseration
Speaker:that as you listen,
Speaker:you may in it recognize and know thyself,
Speaker:Read by Kai, an orca adrift in the cosmos, Please enjoy
Speaker:“Unmasking Pride” by TiberiusRings and Fruitz, Part 1 of
Speaker:2 It’s hard not knowing what you are.
Speaker:When you’re young you get all these labels that help define you,
Speaker:a person that is a blank slate, and some of that becomes who you are as an adult,
Speaker:like you’re gifted, talented in music, sports, art, and you ride that for years…but
Speaker:what about the labels that you think don’t fit but everyone else sees? How do you adjust your own sense of identity and still maintain who you are?
Speaker:“Dallas!” “Hm?” My black round ears perked up as I looked up from my laptop and blinked at the voice across the lounge in our dorm.
Speaker:It came from a rather tall and broad looking mountain lion wearing a letterman jacket and jeans.
Speaker:He was all smiles as he flopped down next to me. “You didn’t
Speaker:hear me callin’ you?” the mountain lion said as he fished his phone out of his pocket,
Speaker:leaned back, and opened it up to some apps.
Speaker:“Nah,” I said, shaking my head and Alt + Tabbing to a different screen.
Speaker:I had been on my private blog again, typing away and in my own thoughts.
Speaker:Instead, what came up on screen now was a PDF of some reading I had to do for literature.
Speaker:My yellow-and-white striped tail twitched anxiously, but I don’t think Gerrard noticed the screen change.
Speaker:“You didn’t really respond today after practice.
Speaker:I figured you were pushing yourself and passed out again.
Speaker:I wanted to see how it went.”
Speaker:He smirked, nudging me with an elbow.
Speaker:“She was watching you, ya know?
Speaker:The other day while we practiced.” “Y
Speaker:-yeah, I know,” I said with a gulp and a grin.
Speaker:I let go of my thoughts and just slid back into the mask people wanted me to wear,
Speaker:the mask that made everyone so much more comfortable with Dallas Whelen.
Speaker:“What’s not to like about the eye candy in water polo?” “Right!” Gerrard cackled and threw his arm along the back of the sofa.
Speaker:“Cindy was all over you after the win. Where’d you take her? Your dorm room?”
Speaker:I shook my head and leaned back.
Speaker:“Nah, she got too drunk, you know?
Speaker:Don’t do drunk chicks like that.”
Speaker:“Aw man,” my friend,
Speaker:my very good friend, frowned.
Speaker:“I was certain she’d have got your dick wet.
Speaker:Not even a handy?” “Well, I didn’t say that.”
Speaker:I smirked and winked at the mountain lion.
Speaker:The truth was, she had felt me up. But I had
Speaker:been so nervous and so…out of my element, I didn’t even get hard.
Speaker:She was so drunk that I wouldn’t have let it go anywhere, anyway.
Speaker:Coach always warned us to not fool around with anyone drunk.
Speaker:Consent is important!
Speaker:So I didn’t. Not that any of the guys on our team were…you
Speaker:know, doing stuff like that to people who couldn’t say yes or no,
Speaker:but it was best to be aware and avoid those problems.
Speaker:I certainly did.
Speaker:Gerrard shrugged. “Ah well. Can’t win ‘em all.
Speaker:You looking to go out on Friday?
Speaker:Saturday? To Thorns?”
Speaker:Thorns was a local bar that
Speaker:didn’t really card athletes for the school,
Speaker:so long as it was clear who we were…and
Speaker:we didn’t do anything stupid inside.
Speaker:So far no one had blown it for the rest of the jocks.
Speaker:“Yeah, that sounds cool.”
Speaker:I grinned. “You gonna bring anyone?
Speaker:Or shall we, you know, prowl while we’re there?” I even let my voice drop and a baritone growl roll across my tongue and lips. It felt weird but
Speaker:it’s what everyone thought I was like. “Oh, we’ll prowl. Can always message some girls if we don’t get a bite or two.”
Speaker:Gerrard checked his phone and sighed.
Speaker:“I should probably get back to my room and finish that essay.
Speaker:You good, bro?” “Yeah, no worries,
Speaker:just gonna finish some writing and then hit the hay.”
Speaker:“Cool, cool. See you tomorrow then!”
Speaker:And the mountain lion jumped up and left me alone, again,
Speaker:in the lounge on the fifth floor of our dorm.
Speaker:It was late at night on a Monday, so it was barren.
Speaker:No one liked studying on the fifth floor lounge since it had the small TV and the old tables from last year.
Speaker:I liked it because it was quiet.
Speaker:My laptop went to sleep mode during my conversation with Gerrard,
Speaker:and as I looked at the blackened screen,
Speaker:the reflection of a bengal tiger stared back at me.
Speaker:I sighed and leaned back and tabbed to my journal again,
Speaker:my train of thought broken completely.
Speaker:“Get your mind together, Dallas Whelen!”
Speaker:I muttered to myself frustratedly.
Speaker:“You’re smart! You’re a jock who aces at water polo!
Speaker:You have everything going for me!”
Speaker:But telling myself all that still didn’t let me shake off the nagging sensation deep inside me
Speaker:—the sensation that I still didn’t know who I really
Speaker:was. That old thought crashed into my mind.
Speaker:The one that told me to do something I knew I probably shouldn’t do.
Speaker:The one that told me it was wrong,
Speaker:taboo, bad. But I also knew that I could get away with it.
Speaker:It wasn’t like I was agreeing
Speaker:to anything. I could just,
Speaker:you know, see what happens!
Speaker:Nervously I opened a new browser tab and went to a webpage I was sure no guys on the team had ever heard of:
Speaker:Pride-Linx. It was a dating and hookup site.
Speaker:While it wasn’t big like some of them, PL let you learn far more than the typical relationships and desires that you could want. I had heard, through the pipeline and whispers in some classes, that it was one of the sites gay guys used to find a match.
Speaker:I had looked it over many times, just the front page,
Speaker:pleased that it didn’t just have men on it.
Speaker:Hovering my mouse cursor over the “Register” button, I gulped and clicked it.
Speaker:My heart pounded in my chest as I, again, made sure I was alone.
Speaker:I began to fill out the form, the sound of my fingers striking the keyes being drowned out by the thunderous boom coming from my chest.
Speaker:I made sure to use an innocuous name,
Speaker:not give anything out that could really identify me.
Speaker:My approximate age, height,
Speaker:weight… Sure, these things were online if someone looked, but who would care that much?
Speaker:Plus it wasn’t like I was a football guy.
Speaker:People on the internet dissected those guys’ bios.
Speaker:I was just a water polo guy.
Speaker:Almost done. I just needed to upload a picture.
Speaker:Wait…a PICTURE!? I racked my brain about how to do this.
Speaker:I needed a picture of me that
Speaker:wouldn’t clearly
Speaker:be me. I searched through the selfies I had and found one:
Speaker:it was a decent picture of me at the beach. I had a cap on and sunglasses. If you cropped it to a headshot you couldn’t really make out my stripe patterns,
Speaker:but you still saw most of my face.
Speaker:This should work.
Speaker:A bit of editing, saving, and then publishing to the site followed.
Speaker:I held my breath when I hit the finalize button and felt a rush of adrenaline when my profile went live.
Speaker:I had set it up as bisexual.
Speaker:Was I? This was mainly just to see what would happen.
Speaker:I wasn’t going to actually meet any of these people.
Speaker:I made sure I also downloaded the app and hid it inside a folder.
Speaker:No one was going to message me.
Speaker:This was silly. I shouldn’t be so worked up.
Speaker:Exhaling, I closed my laptop and went to my dorm.
Speaker:I was exhausted from practice and could use a good night's sleep. —---------
Speaker:A week went by and I didn’t think about PL at all.
Speaker:Life was usually so busy anyway that by the time I had any time to myself I just wanted to eat something and fall asleep.
Speaker:We were always in practice, or training,
Speaker:or training, etc. You get the picture.
Speaker:Not enough hours in the day.
Speaker:It was Saturday night and I was in my dorm room.
Speaker:Living the life, I know,
Speaker:but it was raining outside,
Speaker:and I didn’t feel like going to the bars and getting sopping wet.
Speaker:I was already wet a good majority of the week from playing water polo.
Speaker:Luckily I have an entire room to myself.
Speaker:Some people might say it’s because I’m a school athlete,
Speaker:but I don’t think that’s the case here
Speaker:—I managed to get it via the floor lottery that everyone in this quarter of the building had entered at the start of the school year.
Speaker:If they cheated on me I didn’t know about it.
Speaker:I hope I won on luck alone,
Speaker:but I can’t say I’m upset I have the room.
Speaker:The room has a desk,
Speaker:a chair, a small sofa with a table,
Speaker:a bookshelf, a closet,
Speaker:and my own bathroom.
Speaker:All the rooms, or suites here, have their own.
Speaker:Pretty cool, right?
Speaker:Anyway, back to Pride-Linx.
Speaker:I went to the website and exhaled slowly.
Speaker:I sat cross-legged on my bed in a tank top and gym shorts and stared at the bright logo that shifts between two men, two women, a man and a woman,
Speaker:and then the logo.
Speaker:“This is dumb,” I said out loud to no one in particular.
Speaker:I growled and was determined to just move past this stupid thing and plug in my credentials and hit login.
Speaker:At first I don’t see anything but the splash screen,
Speaker:but then I saw the notification icon on the upper right hand side.
Speaker:A lit-up letter box with a few messages inside.
Speaker:Still running with my steely resolve, I clicked the icon and saw what awaited me inside.
Speaker:All at once I was relieved and a little sad at the same time.
Speaker:The first message was just an ad for some kind of male enhancement drug.
Speaker:The second was just from someone without a picture that said “hi” and nothing else. “You’re hot,
Speaker:want to show me your cock?”
Speaker:“You should share some nudes!”
Speaker:“You local? WHERE ARE YOU?”
Speaker:The thing that surprised me was that they were all from profiles listed as men looking for men.
Speaker:I checked my own profile information to make sure I was still listed as bisexual.
Speaker:I was. Does this site lean more toward men? I thought. I deleted the messages that were just ads, or those that were creepy or sounded stalkerish. I don’t share nudes with just anyone on the internet.
Speaker:I sure as hell wasn’t going to send them to some rando who didn’t even bother to introduce himself.
Speaker:I was about to close the window when I noticed the message at the bottom.
Speaker:“Oops, missed one,” I said, again,
Speaker:to no one. I clicked it open.
Speaker:The profile picture for the owner showed up on the left hand side.
Speaker:A male mountain lion.
Speaker:Shirtless. Standing on some beach with a colorful drink in his hand.
Speaker:A charming smile.
Speaker:He was fairly well built. Not as defined as some of the guys I regularly see in the locker rooms, but he was clearly older than me.
Speaker:So far this guy had passed the first hurdle.
Speaker:“Hey there! You look like you’re having fun in your profile picture. Do you play any sports?”
Speaker:Well, that was natural.
I responded:“I was having fun, yeah.
I responded:I play some sports, I’m on a water polo team.
I responded:You?” I was about to close the window when the message popped up right away.
I responded:It was from him. “Oh, not anymore.
I responded:When I was younger I was on my school’s football team,
I responded:but these days anything I play is recreational.
I responded:Never tried water polo though.
I responded:How good are you?”
I responded:“Oh…I’m okay, I guess?”
I responded:I responded. “You know, nothing that will ever make the news or something, I think.”
I responded:“Nonsense,” he replied back.
I responded:“Also, you seem to be selling yourself short.
I responded:You should always aim as high as you can go.
I responded:Tell me how you really feel about your game.” I thought for a moment.
I responded:“Well, I guess I’m pretty good.
I responded:I work hard at it and I try my best. I love being in the water and catching the ball.”
I responded:A smiley emoji popped up on screen.
I responded:“See? Was that so hard?”
I responded:We chatted for a couple hours.
I responded:I’ll spare you all the back-and-forth, but it was light stuff,
I responded:surface level stuff.
I responded:We talked about water polo, swimming, likes, dislikes, etc.
I responded:He got it out of me that I was in college and played for a college team,
I responded:probably a mistake on my part, but I enjoyed talking to someone.
I responded:He was older than me
I responded:—his profile said he was between 35 and 45
I responded:—but it was just nice to talk to another man.
I responded:Especially to another man while not having to feel like I had to put on some mask to chat like I do here on campus or with my friends.
I responded:This guy didn’t know me
I responded:—the real Dallas, anyway
I responded:—and so I could talk to him openly and easily.
I responded:As the days went on we chatted more.
I responded:I had moved the Pride-Linx app to my main screen and had it open all the time,
I responded:but just in the messaging app with the mountain lion
I responded:—Richter was his name.
I responded:Often I told him when I was going into a class, or to study, or practice.
I responded:He would tell me he was going into meetings or getting on planes,
I responded:and he said he would message me when he landed.
I responded:And he always kept his word.
I responded:As I walked into the locker room with Gerrard,
I responded:he elbowed me. “Hey man, what’s the grin for?”
I responded:“Huh?” I said, closing my app and then starting to undress after opening my locker.
I responded:“You’ve been walking around all week with a grin on your face
I responded:and your nose buried in your phone.
I responded:Finally met someone who caught Dally-Boys attention?
I responded:What’s her name?” My ears turned a shade of pink and I turned to face away from Gerrard,
I responded:pulling my jeans and briefs off in one go. I stepped out of them and put them in the locker,
I responded:reaching down to do what every man did and readjust his balls.
I responded:“It’s nothing like that.”
I responded:Gerrard was standing there naked,
I responded:his pristine and athletic body on display.
I responded:We had a game this weekend and the coach had made us all go and get our fur trimmed.
I responded:It wasn’t exactly necessary, but he was an old school player and believed every ounce that we could weigh less mattered.
I responded:So that was why I could see every inch of Gerrard’s muscles and physique.
I responded:It took me everything I had not to make it obvious I looked at his groin.
I responded:I gulped a little bit and unzipped
I responded:my bag. “C’moooon, Dal,” the mountain lion goaded.
I responded:“You can tell me, what’s her name?”
I responded:“It’s no one!” I growled and pulled out my blue speedo,
I responded:stepping into it and quickly giving myself the tiniest bit of modesty it provided.
I responded:“Just chatting with a friend.”
I responded:Gerrard had stepped into his own black speedo and shrugged.
I responded:“All right, all right, I was just curious, ya know.
I responded:Someone’s gotta look out for Dally-Boy.”
I responded:He reached into his bag and grabbed his goggles. I did too, tossing my bag into the locker and closing it.
I responded:I walked with Gerrard out to the pool.
I responded:“Hey, you hear about McMinn?”
I responded:“McMinn? Left Wing?”
I responded:“Yeah!” Gerrard said and nudged me with an elbow again.
I responded:“Dude came out as gay the other day.
I responded:Can you believe it?” “So?” I was doing everything I could to maintain my regular breathing.
I responded:“I guess it was, you know,
I responded:unexpected. No one’s giving him shit about it, though—”
I responded:“People are uncomfortable,”
I responded:I finished for Gerrard.
I responded:“C’mon…do people really care that much?”
I responded:My heart was hammering in my chest.
I responded:Was I gay? Was this my future? McMinn was an average guy who mostly kept to himself,
I responded:and Gerrard was now gossiping about it.
I responded:We didn’t even really hang out with McMinn.
I responded:“Well, you know, we get naked with him, shower with him—” “Dude, he ain’t gonna do anything like that!
I responded:That’s a bad stereotype!”
I responded:Gerrards eyes widened and his hands came
I responded:up. “Woah, okay. I didn’t mean he’d try anything. I’m just not used to the idea of someone lookin’ me over in the shower.
I responded:I know he wouldn’t be,
I responded:you know, a creep
I responded:but—” “Dude, look at what you’re wearing. Plus you got nothing to worry about, you’re ugly as sin, anyway.” I slapped the back of my hand against his chest and tried to lighten the moment.
I responded:“C’mon coach will kill us if we’re late.”
I responded:The thing with McMinn being gay didn’t go away
I responded:—not right away.
I responded:No one was actually mean or weird about it,
I responded:no one harassed or said disparaging things,
I responded:but you could feel the whole thing was different now.
I responded:People were acting a little weird around him.
I responded:Some guys didn’t go for him when he had the ball and others were just afraid to embrace him like we all did when we got rowdy.
I responded:I could see the wolf’s face was a little hurt
I responded:and Coach actually took McMinn aside for a bit to talk.
I responded:As I said, no one was mean,
I responded:but things felt a little
I responded:different…a bit awkward.
I responded:It made me wonder if I was really gay.
I responded:Did I want to be?
I responded:Would I tell these guys?
I responded:They’re my teammates,
I responded:guys I play games with and go out drinking with,
I responded:guys I know have my back.
I responded:But McMinn also did that, and now, well,
I responded:was he on the outside?
I responded:It made me want to delete Pride-Linx and go back to trying to find some girl at the bars,
I responded:but I didn’t want to stop talking to Richer.
I responded:I couldn’t. So I pushed the anxiety and worry as deep as I could and tried to forget everything that had happened. ---
I responded:That night I had a dream.
I responded:I dreamed of a sunny beach on some island with people lying about on chairs and under umbrellas,
I responded:the sun warm but not hot,
I responded:the water in the ocean warm like a bath.
I responded:Richter was there,
I responded:handing me a blue tinted drink.
I responded:The mountain lion was wearing only a speedo.
I responded:I had never seen Richter from the waist down before. My mouth fell open in shock.
I responded:“Like what you see?”
I responded:the fellow cat said to me with a purr. My mouth opened to respond but in that instant Richter pushed himself forward,
I responded:locking our lips together,
I responded:tongues sliding along one another.
I responded:All at once my body felt electric as we did something I had been secretly thinking about for days.
I responded:He was so warm, so strong, I could feel his arms hold me as he explored my muzzle and tongue.
I responded:I couldn’t believe how good it felt.
I responded:I trembled in pleasure.
I responded:I was… I was going to… “GAH!!” I woke up with a gasp and sat up just in time to feel it.
I responded:Pleasure crashed over me like waves.
I responded:A familiar pleasure since I had been a young teenager.
I responded:I groaned and flopped back, my stomach muscles and chest flexing as it pulsed again and again,
I responded:sweat dripping down my brow as I could only think of Richter’s image in my mind.
I responded:When it ended I flopped back, panting, hands still gripping my sheets.
I responded:I was staring at the ceiling and feeling how
I responded:dry my mouth was.
I responded:With one hand I pushed back my sheets and saw that my briefs were damp.
I responded:I had a wet dream.
I responded:I could still see the outline of my fading erection within. I hadn’t
I responded:had a wet dream in years!
I responded:I groaned again and just quietly stripped out of my underwear,
I responded:tossing them to the floor as I rolled over in exhaustion.
I responded:What the hell was going on with me? ---
I responded:There was a message waiting for me on PL I didn’t know how to respond to.
I responded:It had been a couple weeks since I started talking to Richter,
I responded:and we had chatted about everything but the thing you’d expect to be on a dating site.
I responded:That was, until now.
I responded:“We should meet up IRL,”
I responded:the message said. “I’ll be in your neck of the woods this week for business.”
I responded:I had always found comfort in the idea that Richter was some far flung guy who I would never meet.
I responded:There was a kind of safety and comfort in that idea, but now I had a choice to make,
I responded:one I wasn’t sure I could do.
I responded:McMinn was still being treated differently, no matter what anyone said.
I responded:Things got a little quieter around him in the locker room, and while our game had tightened up,
I responded:outside of the pool everyone just wasn’t sure how to talk to him.
I responded:I was no better;
I responded:I didn’t know what to say, and I knew there wasn’t anything I could realistically do, but it bothered me.
I responded:I didn’t want to be treated oddly.
I responded:But at the same time I knew it wasn’t fair what was happening to him.
I responded:I let the message sit unanswered for a few hours.
I responded:I knew that if I didn’t respond soon Richter would sense something was off.
I responded:He knew I responded quickly.
I responded:The man was smart, and I was certain he would see my reluctance and just call me out on it.
I responded:So…while I sucked it up, I decided to go see him.
I responded:Nothing had to happen, nothing had to define me, nothing would even probably happen.
I responded:“Sure.” “Great!” Richter responded back quickly.
I responded:“Here’s the hotel I’m at downtown.
I responded:Come by tonight?” “Sure,” I said on the messaging app with far more confidence than I was actually feeling at that moment.
I responded:It looks like I was committed. ---
I responded:I took an Uber downtown as I didn’t have a car of my own.
I responded:I had dressed up a bit since I wasn’t sure what we’d be doing.
I responded:I figured dinner, but this man was, supposedly, well off.
I responded:I didn’t want to show up to a nice restaurant in scrummy clothes, so I wore my nicest pair of jeans with a button up shirt left untucked.
I responded:I had on my usual ball cap
I responded:(turned backwards) but I could always toss that to the table.
I responded:I didn’t like going places without it.
I responded:It was my lucky cap, after all.
I responded:The hotel was nice.
I responded:Fancy, but not so much so that I would be stopped at the door.
I responded:The building had at least two dozen storeys with a glittering facade and changing lights along the outside.
I responded:A bit unnerved, I walked in and was enveloped by warm lighting and soft, classical music.
I responded:I pulled out my phone and checked the information again. Room 211C.
I responded:Okay. I went to the elevator and got in without being stopped.
I responded:I guess I either looked nice enough to be here or no one really cared about some college kid wandering around a place with more money than he had ever seen.
I responded:My heart pounded as I hit the “21” button and up I went.
I responded:I could feel my breathing pick up a little bit as the light dinged on “21” and I got off. I could still stop. Run away. I could make it back to the bars.
I responded:I could find Cristy or Stephanie or any other girl and just declare myself regular.
I responded:But there was something pushing me on.
I responded:I needed to be sure. I needed to figure it out or I would probably be a mess the rest of the year.
I responded:Maybe my life. With a shaky breath I stepped out into the welcoming corridor and followed the signs to hotel room 211C.
I responded:I knocked. And waited.
I responded:If I ever had a fight-or-flight response kick in stronger I couldn’t remember
I responded:when. Who knew if Richter was even real?
I responded:What if he was a serial killer?
I responded:What if he was going to take my kidneys!?
I responded:Running through the various ways I could die, I barely registered the sound of the lock being thrown and a man opening the door. It was him. Richter.
I responded:The mountain lion was taller than me by a few inches.
I responded:Broader too. He looked older, his edges a bit more crisp, but I could tell right away that he took care of himself.
I responded:He was wearing his suit and tie, an ash gray affair with a striking blue tie.
I responded:His eyes, a wonderful shade of green, blinked at me and then a smile cracked across his muzzle.
I responded:“Dal?” he asked. His voice was deeper than I imagined.
I responded:A smooth baritone. “H…Hey, yeah. It’s me,
I responded:Dallas.” “Dallas,” Richter said with an even wider smile.
I responded:I remembered I had never told him my full name before.
I responded:He chuckled and stepped to the side.
I responded:“Cute. Come in! No need to stand in the hallway. I was just getting settled.”
I responded:“You look like you’re about to sign a contract or something,”
I responded:I tried to joke but knew it flopped.
I responded:Inside was a wonderful suite. The air was fresh and clean, the view of downtown rather stunning as the sun set in front of us.
I responded:My heart was still pounding as I stared out the window and tried to process how I felt at this moment.
I responded:“Close,” Richter said with a chuckle as he closed the door.
I responded:“I just came from a meeting that had contracts signed.
I responded:I was able to seal the deal a day early.”
I responded:He stepped up behind me and put a hand on my shoulder.
I responded:I jumped. “Woah,” Richter said, his hands up.
I responded:“Relax, relax. You’re wound up.
I responded:Everything okay?”
I responded:“Yes!” I blurted. “No…I mean…Um…”
I responded:His brow furrowed and he cleared his throat,
I responded:motioning to the edge of the bed.
I responded:“Sit, Dallas.” His voice was more authoritative than I had pictured.
I responded:I found myself slinking over to the bed and perching on the end of it like a cub who was about to get scolded.
I responded:Richter pulled out a chair from the small desk and sat in it,
I responded:crossing his legs so his ankle was over a knee.
I responded:He leaned back and stared at me.
I responded:“You’re probably wondering just what is going on here, am I right?”
I responded:“W…well, I mean…you wanted to meet, so…”
I responded:“That’s true, I wanted to meet someone I was having a nice conversation with,”
I responded:Richter frowned and leaned back in his chair.
I responded:“I’m wondering where he is.” “Huh…?
I responded:I’m right here.” “No, someone definitely showed up but you’re not the Dal I was talking to online.”
I responded:Richter didn’t sound angry but…almost
I responded:sad? What the hell was going on?
I responded:“I don’t…I’m that guy!”
I responded:“You look so scared you’re about to pop out of your fur, Dallas.”
I responded:Richter sighed and rubbed the front of his forehead.
I responded:“You’re looking at the door like you’re going to have to make a break for it.
I responded:You’re terrified.”
I responded:“Well, when you meet someone for the first time you think about those stories where they wake up in a tub full of ice and
I responded:missing a kidney.
I responded:kidney.” “That’s not it,” the man said sternly, sitting forward and putting his elbows on his knees,
I responded:leaning forward and looking me right in the eye.
I responded:“I’m not mad at you, Dal.
I responded:But I don’t tolerate liars, so don’t lie to me again.
I responded:You’re scared about what could possibly happen tonight.
I responded:You think I’m here only for your body. That I want to have sex with you. Am I right?”
I responded:A pause followed.
I responded:“Yes.” I couldn’t lie.
I responded:Richter would’ve seen it anyway.
I responded:The man shrugged.
I responded:“Well, it’s true, I had kept that option open. I think you’re handsome, and I really liked who you are over the app.
I responded:But I don’t sleep with people who aren’t comfortable in their own skin.
I responded:Whatever mask you’re wearing right now, it isn’t the person I talked to and it isn’t the person I’ll have sex with.”
I responded:“Mask? What mask?” “The man I was talking to online was confident,
I responded:sure of himself, proud of his accomplishments,
I responded:and didn’t get nervous about what could be.
I responded:Sure, it’s just a text conversation, but we talked about issues some would feel uncomfortable about,
I responded:and yet you were candid with me and didn’t bat an eye
I responded:—metaphorically. You’re afraid of something,
I responded:so you’re wearing a mask now.
I responded:You don’t know who you are, Dal.”
I responded:Richter continued after a breath.
I responded:“How can you take pride in yourself?
I responded:In me? In anything you do when you don’t even know who you are if you’re just a mask to fool everyone around you?
I responded:Who are you,
I responded:Dallas?” I was speechless.
I responded:I had never been analyzed so suddenly, so completely, and I never felt anger like I did just now.
I responded:Who the hell was he, telling me who I am or am not?
I responded:He wasn’t even true!
I responded:Wearing a mask? I’m not complicated enough for that!
I responded:I stood up slowly, glaring down at Richter who started me with unwavering eyes and a frown.
I responded:I opened my mouth to say something, anything,
I responded:but I ended up just letting out a loud, anxious grunt and stormed out of the hotel room,
I responded:slamming the door behind me.
I responded:I ran to the elevator and slipped in.
I responded:I didn’t hear the door to 211C open.
I responded:There was nothing.
I responded:I rushed back to school, to my dorm room, and snarled angrily.
I responded:I pulled out my phone and didn’t see a message from Richter. Of course not.
I responded:The asshole was going to just vanish from my life now.
I responded:What the hell was I thinking?!
I responded:I’m not gay, I’m not bi. And I’ll prove
I responded:it. I texted a few people,
I responded:girls, trying to sound as sultry and inviting as I could make myself be,
I responded:but for whatever reason everyone was busy tonight.
I responded:It was late on a Saturday, so of course people had plans already set up.
I responded:Still, it just drove me to anger and I tossed my phone onto the bed, huffing loudly.
I responded:I ripped open the door of my mini fridge and saw the amber colored bottles of beer staring back at me.
I responded:Grabbing one, I popped its top off with a slam to the side of my desk at the right angle, and guzzled down the beer until there was nothing left.
I responded:“Fucking asshole,” I snarled and thew the bottle into my trash, grabbing another and popping the top again.
I responded:“Who the hell does he think he is?
I responded:Some rich asshole who just wanted me to grab my ankles.
I responded:Didn’t really care about anything we talked about! Fuck,
I responded:he was the one who kept talking about gay stuff.”
I responded:Another bottle ended up in the trash.
I responded:Then another, and another.
I responded:When the world stopped hurting so much, many beers later, I slumped down on the floor with my back to the wall,
I responded:my head hanging forward.
I responded:During my drinking frenzy I had pulled off my shirt and thrown my hat to the sides, and now my hand was holding a half empty bottle.
I responded:The world felt slow,
I responded:out of focus, and I wasn’t enjoying the buzz I usually did when I got drunk.
I responded:But I didn’t hurt as much.
I responded:I leaned forward, dropping my beer and letting it roll to the side of me.
I responded:My hands were up and covering my eyes…and I cried.
I responded:I cried so hard.
I responded:Why did everything hurt so suddenly? Why did Richter have to be such an asshole?
I responded:Why did he have to say those things! Why couldn’t we have gone to dinner and just had a good time?
I responded:You don’t know who you are.
I responded:His damned voice in my head.
I responded:I snarled, I tried to bury it with anger, but nothing worked.
I responded:I just felt miserable.
I responded:I had been certain when texting him, and then meeting him. I had been so nervous, hesitant, ready to flee, and Richter had seen it.
I responded:In a way I was thankful.
I responded:He could’ve manipulated that nervousness but he called it like it was.
I responded:You’re wearing a mask. FUCK!
I responded:What mask? What the hell did that mean?
I responded:I had pride in myself. I liked myself. I know who I am!
I responded:That asshole, he doesn’t.
I responded:He has no idea who Dallas is.
I responded:That’s right, Dal. I don’t
I responded:know who you are and you don’t know either.
I responded:I don’t even know if the man I spoke to online was the real you.
I responded:It was me. I enjoyed talking to another man.
I responded:But…did I enjoy it enough to be open about it?
I responded:Could I tell anyone?
I responded:Gerrard? I knew in my heart I was afraid to. So I wore a mask.
I responded:I passed out, drunk,
I responded:angry, and crying.
I responded:This was the first of two parts of “Unmasking Pride”
I responded:by TiberiusRings and Fruitz, read for you by
I responded:Read by Kai, an orca adrift in the cosmos.
I responded:Tune in next time to find out how Dallas deals with his confrontation with Richter.
I responded:As always, you can find more stories on the web
I responded:at thevoice.dog,
I responded:or find the show wherever you get your podcasts.
I responded:Happy Pride, and Thank you for listening to The Voice of Dog.
