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“To Catch a Thief” by Kyell Gold
Today's story is “To Catch a Thief” by Kyell Gold, who has won twelve Ursa Major awards and a Coyotl Award for his stories and novels, and his acclaimed novel "Out of Position" co-won the Rainbow Award for Best Gay Novel of 2009. He helped create RAWR, the first residential furry writing workshop, and has instructed at each of its sessions through 2019.
He lives in California and is currently staying home with his partners and dog. More information about him and his books is available at www.kyellgold.com, and you can follow him on Twitter at @KyellGold.
Read for you by Khaki, your faithful fireside companion.
Transcript
You’re listening to The Voice of Dog.
Speaker:I’m Khaki, your faithful fireside companion,
Speaker:and today’s story is
Speaker:“To Catch a Thief”
Speaker:by Kyell Gold, who has won twelve Ursa Major awards and a Coyotl Award for his stories and novels,
Speaker:and his acclaimed novel
Speaker:"Out of Position" co-won the Rainbow Award for Best Gay Novel of 2009.
Speaker:He helped create RAWR,
Speaker:the first residential furry writing workshop,
Speaker:and has instructed at each of its sessions through 2019.
Speaker:He lives in California
Speaker:and is currently staying home with his partners and dog.
Speaker:More information about him and his books is available at www.kyellgold.com,
Speaker:and you can follow him on Twitter at @KyellGold. Please enjoy:
Speaker:“To Catch a Thief”
Speaker:by Kyell Gold Richie took one look at the living room and pulled Sean back,
Speaker:putting his muzzle close to the other red wolf’s and whispering. “No way.
Speaker:Uh uh.” “You’re the one saying we should get out more, see people, do things.
Speaker:You played D&D in high school and I didn’t even do that.”
Speaker:“I still can’t believe that.”
Speaker:“I don’t like dice,” Sean said.
Speaker:“But you should be used to it.”
Speaker:“We had characters and rolled dice, that’s it. Not…”
Speaker:He gestured toward the living room,
Speaker:the large wooden table covered in sheets of paper and dice,
Speaker:the large butcher paper covering the walls with crudely drawn brickwork on part of it
Speaker:(with small creatures drawn in holes in the wall),
Speaker:trees and bushes on the rest,
Speaker:and the four people sitting around the table.
Speaker:The lynx at the head of the table behind a brightly painted screen
Speaker:wore a bright blue cloak over a tunic that had clearly been made for a Renaissance fair,
Speaker:and he was the most subtly dressed of the four.
Speaker:To his right, a porcupine wore a studded leather breastplate with shoulder guards and what looked like
Speaker:an old-timey leather football helmet.
Speaker:Next to the porcupine, a large jaguar sported a chainmail shirt
Speaker:over which hung a white cloth
Speaker:with a hand-painted red cross on it.
Speaker:And turning as he led them in was a rat in a purple cloak and cloth pointy hat that kept falling down over his eyes.
Speaker:“Guys,” Perry the rat said, “this is my ex
Speaker:Sean and his boyfriend Richie.”
Speaker:The lynx and jaguar said,
Speaker:“Hey,” but the porcupine grunted, “Well met, friends.”
Speaker:“And this,” Perry continued,
Speaker:to Sean and Richie this time,
Speaker:“is our paladin Maca,
Speaker:our barbarian Fillip, and our GM Alomar.”
Speaker:The two red wolves raised paws.
Speaker:“Hi,” Sean said. “Thanks for letting us join your game.”
Speaker:“We’re short players ever since Rob and Letty started dating,”
Speaker:the lynx—Alomar—said.
Speaker:“You guys want their characters or want to start your own?”
Speaker:“Let’s just dive in,”
Speaker:Richie said. “We’ll take their characters.”
Speaker:“Told you we shouldn’t have let a girl in the group.”
Speaker:Perry sat down. “Shut up, Perry,”
Speaker:Maca said. “Letty’s my friend and FYI, Rob’s the one who’s keeping her away.
Speaker:She wanted to come.”
Speaker:The rat ignored this,
Speaker:pushing paper at Sean and Richie as they sat down. “Here. Richie, you can be Rob’s character.
Speaker:He’s a cleric, a follower of the sun-god Alef.”
Speaker:He squinted. “He’s lawful good,
Speaker:so be—” “I know what lawful good means.”
Speaker:Perry waved at the sheet Sean was holding.
Speaker:“That’s Amber, our vixen thief.
Speaker:She’s got—” “I can read the sheet, Perry, thanks.”
Speaker:Sean glanced at Richie, saw his answering nod,
Speaker:and then the two of them exchanged sheets.
Speaker:“Sean’s a private investigator,” Richie explained to the others. “Much better lawful good characters.
Speaker:And I’m a tax attorney. So…”
Speaker:“The point is to role-play,”
Speaker:Perry said, a little sourly,
Speaker:the way he had when Sean didn’t want to do exactly what he did.
Speaker:“I’m not female and I’m not a fox,” Richie said, “so there’s that for a start.”
Speaker:Alomar grinned. “All right. Fillip, you want to get the gourmet pretzels Perry brought?
Speaker:Then we can get this started.”
Speaker:“Gourmet pretzels?” Sean asked while Richie studied his character sheet.
Speaker:“Oh yeah,” Perry said.
Speaker:“They got like this blend of spices on ‘em and they’re crispy but not hard as a rock.
Speaker:I swear, you try these, you’re off regular pretzels.
Speaker:They cost like three times a normal bag but they’re so worth it.”
Speaker:The porcupine reappeared in the doorway he’d left through,
Speaker:still talking in his barbarian voice.
Speaker:“I see no provisions.
Speaker:Are you certain you brought some?”
Speaker:“On the counter.” “There is nothing on this
Speaker:‘counter.’” “What?” Perry jumped out of his seat. “Which one of you took them?”
Speaker:“Settle down.” Alomar got up
Speaker:and followed Fillip back into the kitchen.
Speaker:Perry fumed, pacing next to the table.
Speaker:“Those pretzels cost like fifteen bucks!
Speaker:They’re imported!”
Speaker:“I’m sure they just got misplaced,”
Speaker:Sean said, reaching under the table to pat Richie’s flicking tail
Speaker:and reassure him that Perry wasn’t going to completely freak out.
Speaker:Richie was a steady guy but he didn’t know how to act around people behaving erratically (“then
Speaker:Vegas was a really bad place to set up business,” Sean had told him)
Speaker:and he’d already been a little worried about being around Sean’s ex.
Speaker:Maca, the jaguar-paladin, looked up.
Speaker:“Yeah,” he said. “Dude.
Speaker:We can buy pretzels.
Speaker:Why would someone steal them?”
Speaker:“To be dicks!” Perry waved toward Sean.
Speaker:“I get to bring friends and you guys don’t like that so you’re trying to make me look like a jerk.”
Speaker:“You’re doing a good job of that all by yourself.”
Speaker:Alomar reappeared, followed by Fillip.
Speaker:“I don’t know what happened to the pretzels. I saw you put them on the counter, but they’re not there now.”
Speaker:“This is bull!” Perry raised his voice,
Speaker:and Richie reached for Sean’s paw under the table.
Speaker:“This is—” “Settle down.”
Speaker:Sean spoke a little more sharply than he wanted to,
Speaker:for Richie’s sake. “You!”
Speaker:The rat lit up and pointed at Sean.
Speaker:“You solve crimes and stuff. Right?
Speaker:Okay. Solve this case.”
Speaker:Richie relaxed with a short laugh.
Speaker:“The case of the missing pretzels?”
Speaker:“Guys,” Alomar said. “Really, it’s not a big deal.
Speaker:I gotta go in a couple hours. You really want to waste our time on this?
Speaker:You’ve got a big negotiation with the wizard-king to think about.”
Speaker:“I want to know which one of you jerks took my pretzels.”
Speaker:Perry folded his arms.
Speaker:Sean leaned over to the lynx.
Speaker:“Fifteen minutes,” he said.
Speaker:“It’ll make him feel better if I at least try.”
Speaker:“He should be able to get over it.”
Speaker:Alomar sniffed, fluffing out his whiskers. “You dated him, can’t you calm him down?”
Speaker:“When he gets like this—”
Speaker:“Stop talking about me like I’m not here,” Perry snapped.
Speaker:“Sean. Find the thief.”
Speaker:“I’m a thief,” Richie said, trying to be funny,
Speaker:but only Sean laughed.
Speaker:“You couldn’t have done it.”
Speaker:The rat dismissed him with a wave.
Speaker:“You and Sean both.
Speaker:I saw you from the time you entered the house.
Speaker:It’s one of those three.”
Speaker:His finger swept across the jaguar, the porcupine, and the lynx.
Speaker:“All right,” Sean said mildly.
Speaker:He reached into his pocket for the deck of cards, though he hoped he wouldn’t have to deal a layout in front of Perry’s friends.
Speaker:“Did any of you leave the room in the time Perry left to meet us down at the parking garage?”
Speaker:“That was, what, fifteen minutes?”
Speaker:Alomar studied the boards in front of him
Speaker:as though the mystery were a module he was running.
Speaker:“I went to the kitchen to get a Coke.”
Speaker:“I went to the bathroom,”
Speaker:Maca offered. “My people grow a calming herb.”
Speaker:The porcupine mimed smoking a cigarette.
Speaker:“I left this shelter to partake. To steady my nerves for the coming battle.”
Speaker:“So two of you were in the kitchen with nobody seeing you.”
Speaker:Sean rubbed his whiskers.
Speaker:“Actually.” Maca cleared his throat.
Speaker:“The bathroom’s off that hallway and it comes around to the kitchen through another door.
Speaker:I could have gotten into the kitchen.”
Speaker:Sean tilted his head.
Speaker:“Did you?” “No.” The jaguar rubbed his paladin’s shirt.
Speaker:“Did either of you take the pretzels?”
Speaker:He turned to the lynx and porcupine.
Speaker:“No,” Alomar said. “Nay.”
Speaker:The porcupine stared at Richie.
Speaker:“I leave thievery to the thieves.
Speaker:Give me an axe and a skull to bury it in.”
Speaker:“Great. Okay.” Sean leaned back in his chair,
Speaker:his fingers riffling the cards.
Speaker:“I guess we could search the house, but that still wouldn’t tell us who moved the pretzels from the counter.”
Speaker:“Someone who wants them all for himself,”
Speaker:Perry said. “Dude.” The jaguar glared.
Speaker:Just the motion of riffling through the cards calmed Sean.
Speaker:“All right,” he said. “Let’s talk this through.
Speaker:Richie?” “Hi, what?” His boyfriend had picked up a twenty-sided die and was rolling it between his fingers.
Speaker:“Just help me talk this through.”
Speaker:Sean took a breath.
Speaker:“Maca?” The jaguar nodded.
Speaker:“Maca’s right. Any of you could buy the pretzels.
Speaker:So the motive can’t be just to have them.
Speaker:Someone wanted this gathering not to have them.
Speaker:Why?” “What’s different this time?”
Speaker:Richie asked, and then answered his own question.
Speaker:“Us. Someone didn’t want us to have the pretzels?”
Speaker:“I don’t think that’s it.”
Speaker:Sean looked around the table.
Speaker:“We’re replacing someone.
Speaker:A couple people who were friends of everyone here.”
Speaker:He looked at the jaguar.
Speaker:“But you specifically, right?”
Speaker:Maca nodded. “I brought Letty to the game, but Fillip brought Rob.
Speaker:We all liked them both.”
Speaker:“They are indeed valiant comrades, but they embark now on a greater adventure,”
Speaker:Fillip said. “They’re cool.”
Speaker:Alomar rested his elbows on the table. “I hope they come back.”
Speaker:Sean regarded the lynx thoughtfully.
Speaker:“If they do come back, though, you could put new characters in for us if we wanted to keep playing.
Speaker:You control the game.
Speaker:You wouldn’t resent us being here because you could’ve just told Perry that you didn’t want us here.
Speaker:Had you all talked about us having new characters, like you said when we got here?”
Speaker:“No,” Perry said. “We said we needed someone to play Halberd and Solayo,
Speaker:and I said I had two friends who were cool.”
Speaker:“So,” Sean went on, “if you wanted to keep these characters aside for Rob and Letty, all you had to do was tell us to roll up new ones when we came in.
Speaker:You didn’t have to try to ruin the night.”
Speaker:“I worked on this game for hours.”
Speaker:Alomar frowned. “I want you guys to get to the freaking wizard king already. I’ve got so much cool stuff planned.”
Speaker:“Right.” Sean turned to the porcupine and the jaguar.
Speaker:“So of the two of you…”
Speaker:He started to think about how to question the barbarian in his own dialect
Speaker:and then had an idea.
Speaker:He took his character sheet and leaned in to Richie, talking low.
Speaker:“I have some spells listed here,” he murmured.
Speaker:“Are any of them, like, truth-telling spells?”
Speaker:“Let me see.” Richie scanned the sheet.
Speaker:“Yeah, there. You have Penetrating Gaze. If you look into someone’s eyes and cast that, you’ll know if they’re lying.”
Speaker:“Okay.” Sean turned to Alomar.
Speaker:“I want to cast Penetrating Gaze on, uh.”
Speaker:He leaned over to see the name on the character sheet in front of Fillip,
Speaker:and saw with some bemusement that it was “Fillip.
Speaker:“Fillip.” Well, that fit at least.
Speaker:“On Fillip.” “Are you serious?”
Speaker:Alomar said, and Maca and Perry both made exclamations of disbelief.
Speaker:“Perfectly.” Sean picked up one of the dice.
Speaker:“Do I roll something?” “No.”
Speaker:The lynx pulled an iPad out and scrolled through a document.
Speaker:“You just cast it.
Speaker:Fillip has to roll a save to try to defeat the spell.”
Speaker:“What’s his chance?”
Speaker:“I will not resist the spell,” Fillip announced.
Speaker:“A crime has been committed and the unity of our party depends on the truth.”
Speaker:“All right,” Alomar said.
Speaker:“This is insane.” Maca got up. “Is this how you run your business?”
Speaker:“I cast the spell.”
Speaker:Sean looked across into Fillip’s eyes.
Speaker:“Did you move the pretzels from the counter tonight?”
Speaker:The porcupine looked steadily back.
Speaker:“No, I did not.” The whole table turned to look at Maca,
Speaker:who paused for a moment and then thrust a paw out toward Fillip.
Speaker:“You’re going to take his word?
Speaker:This guy who won’t even let us call him by his real name while we’re playing?
Speaker:He lives in a damn fantasy world!
Speaker:Maybe he calls pretzels ‘hard bread’ or something so technically he didn’t lie to you.”
Speaker:“That’s sort of the point.”
Speaker:Sean leaned back.
Speaker:“He’s a barbarian.
Speaker:He said it himself:
Speaker:he leaves thievery to the thieves.
Speaker:Once I figured it wasn’t Alomar, it sort of had to be you.
Speaker:But I thought it might be nice to point out why.”
Speaker:“It still could have been Alomar.
Speaker:You haven’t proven anything.”
Speaker:Perry jumped up again,
Speaker:standing on his tiptoes and even so coming up a few inches short of Maca’s height.
Speaker:“Give the pretzels back, you dick,”
Speaker:he said. “Hey,” Sean said.
Speaker:“Look. Let’s not get all worked up.
Speaker:Maca, if we roll up new characters so Letty and Rob can come back,
Speaker:will you give back Perry his pretzels?”
Speaker:“I told you—” “Perry,”
Speaker:Sean said. “Maca was just looking out for his friends.
Speaker:If he gives back the pretzels and apologizes, will you let it go and chill out and enjoy yourself?”
Speaker:“No!” The rat kicked his chair back. “Why do I always have to be the one to forgive people?”
Speaker:“Because it’s the right thing to do.”
Speaker:Alomar peeked over his screen. “And because if you chill out and let it go, the wizard king just might reward you for your good nature.”
Speaker:Perry stopped, tail twitching.
Speaker:“And maybe punish the paladin for stealing?”
Speaker:Alomar and Maca exchanged a look.
Speaker:The jaguar sat down heavily in his chair.
Speaker:“I’m sorry,” he said.
Speaker:“I just didn’t want their characters to be someone else.
Speaker:They might still come back.”
Speaker:The whole table relaxed.
Speaker:Perry sat down too, and opened his mouth, but Alomar spoke first.
Speaker:“It’s very noble of the paladin to admit his mistake. Now,
Speaker:why don’t we let him get the pretzels, and then you can start your negotiations,
Speaker:and maybe you’ll run into two new party members when those are done.”
Speaker:The players shuffled sheets,
Speaker:all of them eager now to dive into the fantasy world where they only had to worry about monsters and bandits,
Speaker:not hurt feelings and jealousy.
Speaker:Richie elbowed Sean and showed him a piece of paper on which he’d written,
Speaker:“You’re pretty good at this,”
Speaker:and added a little heart after it,
Speaker:which made Sean reach for the other red wolf’s paw and squeeze it.
Speaker:Soon enough, the pretzels were retrieved,
Speaker:blank character sheets brought out for Sean and Richie,
Speaker:and they were rolling dice while Sean listened to Alomar weave the story
Speaker:of the old and frail wizard king who needed a brave party of adventurers
Speaker:to take his offering to the underground lair of the dragon queen.
Speaker:The dice felt heavy and awkward to Sean, but he rolled them anyway,
Speaker:and in between rolls he helped himself to the pretzels,
Speaker:which really were remarkably good.
Speaker:“To Catch a Thief” by Kyell Gold,
Speaker:read for you by Khaki,
Speaker:your faithful fireside companion.
Speaker:Thank you for listening
Speaker:to The Voice of Dog
