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“There's a Place in the Great Pack For You” by Rob MacWolf (read by the author, part 2 of 2)
High summer. A young werewolf, who is of course a metaphor as well as a person, is finally ready to find the place he belongs.
Today’s story is the second and final part of “There's a Place in the Great Pack For You” by Rob MacWolf, who thinks he’s found his. You can find more of his work in anthologies from the Furry Historical Fiction Society, and you can find previous stories on this theme right here on the Voice of Dog.
Special thanks to those who provided advice and consultation in the writing of this story: B. P. Rugger, George Squares, J.S. Hawthorne, Mirapunk, Sahoni, Starringer, Tonya Song, and Khaki of course.
Read by the author.
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https://thevoice.dog/episode/theres-a-place-in-the-great-pack-for-you-by-rob-macwolf-part-2-of-2
Transcript
You’re listening to Pride Month on The Voice of Dog.
Speaker:Today’s story is the second
Speaker:and final part of
Speaker:“There's a Place in the Great Pack For You”
Speaker:by Rob MacWolf,
Speaker:who thinks he’s found his.
Speaker:You can find more of his work
Speaker:in anthologies from the Furry Historical Fiction Society,
Speaker:and you can find previous stories
Speaker:on this theme right here
Speaker:on the Voice of Dog.
Speaker:In writing this, the author’s intention was to expand the werewolf metaphor,
Speaker:which previously he had used to represent specifically Cis Gay Polyam Men,
Speaker:to include as many facets of LGBTQ+ identity as he was able.
Speaker:At this he has doubtless not fully succeeded, and for this he can only ask you,
Speaker:listener, to interpret the story and its intentions
Speaker:in as generous a light
Speaker:as possible. Special thanks to those who provided advice and consultation in the writing of this story:
Speaker:B. P. Rugger, George Squares,
Speaker:J.S. Hawthorne, Mirapunk,
Speaker:Sahoni, Starringer,
Speaker:Tonya Song, and Khaki of course.
Speaker:Last time, Paul journeyed to The Great Pack, the first nationwide gathering of werewolves,
Speaker:to find a pack where he belonged.
Speaker:Unsure about joining the one he came here with,
Speaker:who are all romantically involved with one another,
Speaker:he’s been advised
Speaker:to ask other werewolves for their perspectives.
Speaker:But before he can,
Speaker:agents of the Bureau of Extrahuman Populace Management
Speaker:tear gassed his group,
Speaker:and Paul lost consciousness.
Speaker:Read by the author.
Speaker:Please enjoy “There's a Place in the Great Pack For You”
Speaker:by Rob MacWolf (part 2
Speaker:of 2) “It was just a gas canister,”
Speaker:Miles tried to wave away the medic,
Speaker:the only one here not shifted because she’d said claws weren’t as dextrous as fingers, which Paul didn’t believe.
Speaker:“I’m barely even bruised.
Speaker:The pup got a faceful of whatever it was, take care of him!”
Speaker:Miles begrudgingly let her check for broken bones
Speaker:after Paul pointed out
Speaker:he’d already been taken care of.
Speaker:They were sitting in a tent.
Speaker:Somebody had spray painted
Speaker:‘vet clinic’ over the red cross on the army surplus canvas.
Speaker:Inside there was a general disorder of medical supplies, cobbled together from donations and consignments. They’d
Speaker:all gotten shots of antihistamine
Speaker:—just in case there’d been aconite in the gas
Speaker:—and the medic had rinsed his eyes with warm water
Speaker:and made him promise not to go anywhere till his sense of smell started to come back.
Speaker:Four or five other wolves in STAFF shirts
Speaker:and ID-tagged collars had conferred,
Speaker:gravely though more than a little awestruck,
Speaker:with Miles and Alvaro, which it turned out had been what the ‘A’ in ‘Guillermez A’ stood for.
Speaker:As far as Paul could overhear,
Speaker:there had only been the two agents,
Speaker:and they’d cut and run under cover of tear gas.
Speaker:Someone, unsure who,
Speaker:had been told to call a lawyer,
Speaker:and Miles was supposed to talk to them when they called back.
Speaker:The words ‘sue the holes right outta their asses’
Speaker:had been thrown around,
Speaker:with perhaps undue optimism.
Speaker:But now they’d left him alone with Miles, the medic, and Alvaro.
Speaker:“Ok, I have to ask,” might as well make a start on all the talking to different wolves he was supposed to do,
Speaker:“what are the collars about?
Speaker:“Oh hell,” grumbled Miles.
Speaker:“Aren’t you the Porcupine Mountains Pack?”
Speaker:the medic fingered her dogtags.
Speaker:“Do you not know the Gospel Howler? You’re the ones who saved him!”
Speaker:“Don’t look at me,”
Speaker:Miles replied to Paul’s baffled glance,
Speaker:“nobody’s gonna like it if I start saying what I think of any of this!”
Speaker:“I’m… only recently with this pack,” Paul said, which wasn’t untrue,
Speaker:“and they haven’t wanted to talk about
Speaker:whatever this is.”
Speaker:“Well, it’s not entirely about this guy, but,” said Alvaro,
Speaker:“a few years ago, there was a wolf who,
Speaker:well, started spreading the word.
Speaker:He said God had told him to call people to the Great Pack, and that one day when all humans in the world had turned,
Speaker:and were all together
Speaker:in the Great Pack,
Speaker:there’d be peace.” “And your Alpha saved him from the Bureau!”
Speaker:the medic insisted.
Speaker:“I’m not an Alpha!”
Speaker:Miles objected. “And,
Speaker:well, a lot of us liked that idea,”
Speaker:Alvaro forged ahead doggedly,
Speaker:“I don’t think I believe God had anything to do with it,
Speaker:but I’ve never seen wolves treat eachother as badly as humans treat eachother.
Speaker:It’s an idea that deserves a try.
Speaker:We talked about trying, one idea led to another, and next thing you know
Speaker:we were organizing this thing!”
Speaker:“All the staff wolves,” the medic nodded sincerely.
Speaker:“But what does that have to do with the collars?”
Speaker:“Well, it’s practical, you know?”
Speaker:Alvaro tugged at his.
Speaker:“It’s a way to have your ID and name tag with you no matter if you’ve got pockets
Speaker:or clothes. No matter how far you need to shift.
Speaker:And it’s a way for everyone to tell you’re someone they can go to if they
Speaker:need to find a lost pup, or ask where the porta potties are or something.
Speaker:But also it means…
Speaker:we want wolves and humans to come together, right?
Speaker:To cooperate, live in peace with eachother?”
Speaker:There was a hard depth in his eyes,
Speaker:like he was watching the east horizon grow light even though sunrise was an hour away yet.
Speaker:“Well, human plus wolf?
Speaker:Adds up to dog.” “Listen,”
Speaker:said Miles, after the medic was finally convinced they were alright, and had let them go,
Speaker:with a disappointed look for the big wolf,
Speaker:“I should get back and let Dan know we’re all right before he worries his paw off.
Speaker:You still want to do this
Speaker:plan of yours?” Paul set his jaw.
Speaker:“Yessir.” “Then would you,”
Speaker:he turned to Alvaro, who jumped,
Speaker:“let Paul tag along with you till he runs into some other packs?
Speaker:He’s supposed to be getting an idea of what’s out there before he decides where he’s gonna disperse.”
Speaker:And with a final
Speaker:“Be safe, Pup,” Miles set him free
Speaker:to explore. “I thought it was a curse, at first.”
Speaker:Alvaro stopped short,
Speaker:when Paul asked him, stared up into the sky.
Speaker:Paul had followed the staffwolf
Speaker:towards the opposite cluster of campgrounds from his own.
Speaker:Alvaro was honestly surprised he wasn’t entirely Miles’s packmate.
Speaker:If a wolf had a chance to join a pack with a reputation like Miles’s, he’d asked,
Speaker:why not jump at it?
Speaker:Paul hadn’t known that the pack had a reputation.
Speaker:He’d just thought they were his uncles.
Speaker:To change the subject,
Speaker:he’d asked Alvaro how he’d turned.
Speaker:“I was bitten,” he said, and didn’t elaborate.
Speaker:“My first shifts were very rough.
Speaker:Very painful. I dreaded the full moon,
Speaker:panicked every second I spent as the wolf. Which,
Speaker:in hindsight, maybe what was happening to…
Speaker:whoever bit me. I never got a chance to ask.”
Speaker:“If you don’t want to talk about it, mister-”
Speaker:Paul began. “No, it’s fine.
Speaker:It ought to be known.”
Speaker:Alvaro paused to ask a wolf child where her parents were,
Speaker:got told they were
Speaker:‘at the booth,’ which she didn’t know where that was,
Speaker:nor did she see why that was a problem,
Speaker:but luckily was easy to find by smell and not far,
Speaker:so they were able to reunite her with her mother.
Speaker:“My family tried to cure me.
Speaker:We all thought it was a curse, you see, cause
Speaker:that’s the only way anyone ever talked about it.
Speaker:They called in the B. of E.P.M.
Speaker:The caseworker spent
Speaker:days trying to explain
Speaker:there was no such thing as a cure.
Speaker:When they wouldn’t listen, they turned to…
Speaker:other methods. Folk remedies.
Speaker:Crackpot therapy.
Speaker:Did the whole thing with the cage in the basement.
Speaker:I’m lucky homeopathy doesn’t work, cause they tried that
Speaker:with wolfsbane. They even tried exorcism.” “I’m alright,” Alvaro continued, before Paul could ask,
Speaker:“I’m good now. Caseworker got me out of there when I mentioned some of the cures they were trying, like I thought they were normal.
Speaker:Rare good guy moment for the Bureau, I know.
Speaker:Now... I have a mate.
Speaker:On trash duty today.
Speaker:The work we’re doing with the Great Pack, it’s important.
Speaker:Plenty of other wolves—you for one, it sounds like
Speaker:—got here without going through that kind of hurt,
Speaker:and I hope what I do makes that more likely.
Speaker:Makes fewer people think it’s a curse.”
Speaker:“You don’t ever wonder,”
Speaker:Paul scuffed at the gravel with his paw,
Speaker:“if it could have been different?”
Speaker:“I wonder, sure. In a perfect world, maybe whoever bit me, wouldn’t’ve been bitten themselves.”
Speaker:Alvaro waved to another wolf in a ‘STAFF’ shirt and collar.
Speaker:“But what’s the point in asking those questions?
Speaker:I’m the wolf I am cause of what I went through.
Speaker:The wolves, or the humans, I’d be if it’d gone different, they don’t exist.
Speaker:Even if I asked those questions
Speaker:—what makes us turn into wolves, why does sex or a bite do it but a blood transfusion doesn’t,
Speaker:why the full moon
Speaker:—I wouldn’t trust answers from a human.
Speaker:Or hell, from a wolf, cause who knows how much of that answer
Speaker:they learned from humans.
Speaker:That’s why the Great Pack matters:
Speaker:the day we’re all wolves together’ll
Speaker:be the day it’s finally safe to ask, I guess.”
Speaker:Paul felt the rising impulse to ask how he could help next year.
Speaker:But no. More to see, first.
Speaker:“I guess the questions don’t matter,” they’d
Speaker:crossed the whole main grounds and stood among campsites and stunted trees.
Speaker:“My mate, they like me just fine like this,
Speaker:and that’s what matters.
Speaker:Anyway, kid, good luck with what you’re looking for.
Speaker:And… if you ever want to hear some more about the Great Pack?”
Speaker:Paul promised he’d get in touch,
Speaker:should that day ever come.
Speaker:It was one thing for Dan to tell him to talk to other wolves,
Speaker:but doing it was a different proposition.
Speaker:All of them—parents with pups,
Speaker:grizzled old loners, exuberant adolescents chasing eachother through the crowd,
Speaker:the seven-foot beast wearing nothing at all and carrying what looked like an entire truckload of firewood under one arm
Speaker:—were so intent on their own business that none of them noticed Paul trying to speak
Speaker:before they were out of sight.
Speaker:“Are you lost, pup?” said a voice behind him.
Speaker:“Uh, no, sorry ma’am,”
Speaker:when he turned, Paul found himself facing an older woman
Speaker:in a brown leather jacket,
Speaker:beat up jeans, and bare feet,
Speaker:expression like the halfway point between a librarian and a gunslinger.
Speaker:“I’m… supposed to be asking different people what being a werewolf means to them,”
Speaker:and hearing himself say it like that made it sound like a project for the school paper.
Speaker:“Well, I dunno, kid,”
Speaker:she raised her eyebrows,
Speaker:“I’m not a werewolf.”
Speaker:A split second after Paul tilted his head in bafflement
Speaker:he realized this was exactly the reaction she’d expected.
Speaker:“Here,” just to underline the point she shifted
Speaker:to sandy grey fur
Speaker:and handed him a reusable cloth bag full of souvenirs,
Speaker:“how bout carry this stuff back to camp for me and I’ll explain.”
Speaker:Camp proved to be by a dry creek bed up in the foothills,
Speaker:with another older wolf, dun pelt, sunning herself on a smooth face of granite
Speaker:from which she propped herself up on an elbow to ask “Well,
Speaker:what’s goin on here?” “Kid’s doin some kinda project for the school paper, or something.”
Speaker:The wolf he’d come here with plucked the bag from Paul’s paws.
Speaker:“I told him he could ask questions and we’d tell him what’s what.”
Speaker:The sandy wolf looked at Paul like she was expecting to be told this was a prank.
Speaker:“Uh, mostly I’m confused about what it meant when you said you weren’t a werewolf?”
Speaker:he tried not to sound sulky, at least.
Speaker:“Do you know where the word ‘werewolf’ comes from, son?” the dun wolf sighed as the sandy one helped her to her feet.
Speaker:“It’s from Old English,”
Speaker:she continued when Paul shook his head.
Speaker:“Back then, the word for man was ‘wer’
Speaker:and the word for a woman was ‘wyf.’
Speaker:They used the word ‘man’
Speaker:to just mean “a person,”
Speaker:but that started to become gendered as the language’ turned into Middle English-”
Speaker:“Yeah, to skip the dissertation,”
Speaker:the sandy wolf said,
Speaker:“the word ‘werewolf’ comes from that.
Speaker:Literally means
Speaker:‘Man-Wolf’.” “Yes, so we’re Wifwolves,” finished the dun one, with a hint of growl.
Speaker:“Oh, is that…” Paul wracked his brains,
Speaker:“I… can’t remember mom ever saying that?
Speaker:But is that what I should call,
Speaker:uh… ladies? Now that I’m trying to disperse.”
Speaker:“Ideally!” the sandy wolf set the bag in the back of a sensible-looking station wagon,
Speaker:where all the necessities had been neatly laid out.
Speaker:“Well, no…” the dun wolf rolled her eyes,
Speaker:leaned toward Paul in a way that made her look like a schoolteacher.
Speaker:“If you go around calling people something they don’t themselves identify as,
Speaker:even with the best intentions,
Speaker:even if in a perfect world they would,
Speaker:then at best that’s gonna be real awkward.
Speaker:It’s not your business, hun, if other…
Speaker:female wolves aren’t using the term that some of us,”
Speaker:the face she turned toward the smugly smiling sandy wolf was equal parts affection and aggravation,
Speaker:“think they ought to.
Speaker:It’s for each of us to decide what others should call us.”
Speaker:“But it won’t be the end of the world,”
Speaker:the sandy wolf had taken the sunning spot on the warm granite, but left space for her companion to join her,
Speaker:“if ‘Wifwolf’s’ the word you put down in your school report.”
Speaker:And it was easier, at this point,
Speaker:not to correct the misunderstanding,
Speaker:so Paul thanked them for the answers
Speaker:and moved on. “It’s been three days since you last had a chance, babe.
Speaker:And if any place is safe, it’s gotta be here.”
Speaker:A large wolf, shifted,
Speaker:jeans and an old fashioned jacket,
Speaker:was leaning over the side of a convertible,
Speaker:apparently trying to persuade a smaller wolf,
Speaker:unshifted, under a baggy flannel shirt.
Speaker:The smaller one sighed,
Speaker:the way you do when you’ve had this argument before and didn’t win that time either.
Speaker:He hunched down, unbuttoned his shirt and pulled at something underneath.
Speaker:Then he was shifting, hunched down even further.
Speaker:When he came up, he was just as large as his companion, if not a little larger.
Speaker:He handed over something that Paul thought to be an undershirt.
Speaker:The first wolf slapped it atop a pile of clothes in a basket,
Speaker:grabbed a tiny bottle of laundry detergent out of an open backpack.
Speaker:He gave the wolf in flannel,
Speaker:hastily buttoned again though now significantly less baggy,
Speaker:a swift lick on the side of the muzzle
Speaker:and headed for the stream.
Speaker:Paul jumped when the flannel wolf made eye contact,
Speaker:snapped at him, “What’s the matter with you, kid, never seen a guy take off his binder before?!”
Speaker:“I, uh, his what?” Paul floundered,
Speaker:“Uh, nossir, I don’t believe I have…
Speaker:What’s a binder?” He tilted his head and took wild guess from context.
Speaker:“Is that, like, a thing that makes it easier to not shift?”
Speaker:“Have you seriously,”
Speaker:grumbled the wolf,
Speaker:“never met a trans person before? Even just a human?”
Speaker:“I’ll be honest, mister,”
Speaker:Paul raised his shoulders and lowered his ears,
Speaker:“Before this trip it was pretty rare I met anybody but Mom or Dad.”
Speaker:The flannel-clad wolf looked a lot less angry and a lot more like he’d just realized there was a mess that needed to be cleaned up and nobody else to do it.
Speaker:“Ok…” he breathed in through his nose, out through his mouth.
Speaker:“Please tell me you’ve
Speaker:heard of a trans person before?”
Speaker:“Is that where,” Paul ventured cautiously,
Speaker:“you’re born a girl but grow up to be a man?” “...
Speaker:“...you know what, close enough to start with.”
Speaker:The wolf leaned back against the side of the car, in a pose very similar to that his boyfriend had used.
Speaker:“Ok, first, you’re not
Speaker:born one thing and grow up another.
Speaker:You always were what you are, it was just a lot harder to see.”
Speaker:“So it’s when you’re born looking like a girl but were secretly a boy?”
Speaker:“Second,” he growled over Paul’s apparently incomplete understanding,
Speaker:“It’s not as tidy as that.
Speaker:People don’t fit neatly into the binary of ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine.’”
Speaker:“Do you mean you don’t turn all the way male when you shift?”
Speaker:The expression with which that question was met
Speaker:led Paul to suspect it hadn’t fit neatly into the binary of ‘polite’ and
Speaker:‘not polite.’ “I mean,”
Speaker:he sighed, “it’s not about
Speaker:‘turning all the way,’
Speaker:it’s about finding ways
Speaker:to make your body,
Speaker:the way you feel like you exist, and the way people see you,
Speaker:match the real you.
Speaker:That’s what the binder is for,
Speaker:to flatten the chest out, get it?”
Speaker:“I think I see…” Paul said, still cautious,
Speaker:“So do you not need it as the wolf?
Speaker:Cause I always felt like I wasn’t my real self when I had to be human.”
Speaker:“Well, I need it less,
Speaker:but it’s mostly that I just get so damn much bigger as a wolf, it just doesn’t fit any more.”
Speaker:He rolled his eyes.
Speaker:“Look, kid, I’m not mad at you, really. I have to deal with these questions a lot,
Speaker:but like, I jumped to a lot of conclusions like that too, back in the day.
Speaker:When you’re just human, to fully transition can cost
Speaker:a lot of money, lot of time.
Speaker:Medicines and surgeries and everything. Lot of us can’t afford it.
Speaker:When I found out lycanthropy was an option,
Speaker:I… jumped the gun. Assumed it’d be a one hit knock-out for dysphoria
Speaker:and I’d shift into something that looked like furry po-, uh,
Speaker:a furry beefcake pinup.”
Speaker:“I know what porn is…”
Speaker:Paul mumbled with some indignation.
Speaker:“The reality is it isn’t perfect.
Speaker:I’ve met wolves who make it look perfect,”
Speaker:he was no longer looking at Paul,
Speaker:“who get to look exactly how they always wanted to look when they shift.
Speaker:And I’ve gotten there once or twice, I think.
Speaker:But then, I’d bet those who look perfect to me don’t feel perfect all the time, either,
Speaker:and I bet it takes
Speaker:just as much work.”
Speaker:He brought his attention back to Paul.
Speaker:“I don’t mean to make it sound so hard. Some days are great.
Speaker:Some days I feel like it’s better than others.
Speaker:Some days I don’t and I think it’s just that wolves’ve got a lot less sexual dimorphism.”
Speaker:Paul tilted his head again.
Speaker:“Uh, male wolves bodies and female wolves bodies are a lot less
Speaker:physically different than male humans and female humans, is what that
Speaker:means.” He shrugged.
Speaker:“Now I dunno if I buy that the wolf is my real self and the human’s a mask, like you hear some wolves talk about.
Speaker:Shifting does make
Speaker:presenting right easier and more comfortable, and that’s not nothing. But-”
Speaker:he jabbed a paw at Paul,
Speaker:“you can’t stay shifted all the time!”
Speaker:“Oh, yeah,” Paul nodded eagerly,
Speaker:glad to finally have hit a point he could relate to.
Speaker:“So, for when I can’t shift,”
Speaker:the wolf spread his arms like a conductor ending the symphony,
Speaker:“I got a binder.” Paul frowned in thought.
Speaker:“For what it’s worth, sir?
Speaker:It didn’t occur to me there was any difference till you explained about, uh,
Speaker:everything. I grew up around werewolves,
Speaker:not humans. So first difference I noticed between Mom and Dad was, like,
Speaker:smell? And you smell pretty much the same as any other male wolf.”
Speaker:The other wolf blinked at him.
Speaker:“Uh, hope that helps,
Speaker:nice meeting you, thank you for explaining!”
Speaker:Paul hurried away before he could die of embarrassment.
Speaker:“That’s a heavy question, kid,”
Speaker:the shaggy old wolf had leaned back in his lawnchair and taken a bite of bratwurst,
Speaker:which apparently helped him think.
Speaker:“But I guess most’ve us’ve probably thought about it a while.
Speaker:You tend to ruminate over a thing, if that thing means you ain’t exactly human anymore, you know?”
Speaker:“So… if I hadn’t been born a wolf,”
Speaker:Paul struggled to ignore the smell of the other bratwurst waiting on skewers over the campfire,
Speaker:“I wouldn’t need to ask?”
Speaker:“Huh.” A further contemplative chomp of sausage and bun was reinforced by a gulp of beer.
Speaker:“I dunno, kid.” The old wolf was wearing overalls, with the straps undone, and a button-up shirt—sun-bleached from blue to grey
Speaker:—tied by its sleeves around his waist like a breechcloth.
Speaker:He had a new-looking cap that said ‘Teamsters Extrahuman Chapter’
Speaker:pulled low over his eyes.
Speaker:He had a collar and dogtags
Speaker:—the same kind Alvaro had
Speaker:—that said ‘C. Whitman,’
Speaker:not worn, but hanging from his belt.
Speaker:“I guess the start is when,” Whitman explained,
Speaker:“I was driving a route through New Mexico.
Speaker:Bitch of a schedule,
Speaker:only got budgeted three hours a night to eat and sleep, and they expected you to speed
Speaker:to make up fer any bathroom breaks.
Speaker:So when I picked up a hitchhiker and he started talking nonsense,
Speaker:I got to thinking I was the one who’d gone crazy, not him.
Speaker:And thing is, kid,
Speaker:when a man thinks he’s crazy,
Speaker:then he’s suddenly a lot more willin to do crazy things.
Speaker:Which is how the Gospel Howler talked me into findin a werewolf
Speaker:and askin him to bite me.”
Speaker:“The… Gospel Howler is…” Paul narrowed his eyes,
Speaker:“some kind of werewolf preacher?
Speaker:I heard a couple wolves mention him.”
Speaker:“Lotta the resta the staff are pretty big fans of his.”
Speaker:“Uncle Miles
Speaker:—well, not really uncle, that’s just what I used to call him as a kid
Speaker:—but his pack met him.”
Speaker:Paul frowned. “He didn’t want to talk about it. I don’t think he was impressed.
Speaker:impressed.” “Lotta wolves ain’t.” Whitman said.
Speaker:“To tell the truth, he weren’t impressive.
Speaker:Scruffy, spacey, more’n a little out there.
Speaker:But none of that’s the same as wrong.”
Speaker:He turned the sausages over the greying coals,
Speaker:judged them done enough,
Speaker:and slid them each into a bun.
Speaker:He passed one to Paul,
Speaker:who had been so busy trying to pretend he wasn’t hoping to get one that he was genuinely surprised when he did.
Speaker:“But for me… I can’t argue with the results.
Speaker:Company dropped me when cops arrested me for gettin turned, a’course,
Speaker:but I still had my truck and license.
Speaker:And it’s a lot easier to afford going independent when you got night vision,
Speaker:or can sleep under the stars just fine.
Speaker:Now I haul cargo fer wolves,
Speaker:or folks wolves know at least.
Speaker:It took a lot more cargo haulin than you’d think to get this place set up, I tell you what!”
Speaker:“Do you,” Paul worried this would be a rude question but it was long past the time to worry about those,
Speaker:“not have a pack?” “Well,
Speaker:yes and no.” Whitman shrugged. “I aint the
Speaker:only wolf I know what spends all his time on the road.
Speaker:We stay in touch, look out fer eachother,
Speaker:get a meal together when we run into one another.
Speaker:Maybe that counts.
Speaker:But if you mean the kind where everyone lives together and everyone’s always chasing eachother in an out of everyone else’s bed,
Speaker:no.” His anxieties about the pack he’d arrived with
Speaker:blazed up in Paul’s mind.
Speaker:He said nothing. “Maybe someday, though.
Speaker:I’ll admit I’ve shared a motel room with a few wolves I know on the road. Wouldn’t a never considered a fella, before, assumed I was…
Speaker:straight, I think it’s called?
Speaker:But on this side I don’t seem to care
Speaker:what the wolf I’m holdin is,
Speaker:just who they are.
Speaker:I dunno, maybe that’s something I picked up with the wolf,
Speaker:maybe that was always in me and the wolf woke it up,
Speaker:or maybe I just used to be too afeared.
Speaker:So… maybe I’ll change my mind and settle down.
Speaker:Already changed a powerful lot about m’self, long after I thought I was too old.”
Speaker:Paul finished his bratwurst,
Speaker:said he understood and even meant it,
Speaker:a little. The trucker startled, as if he’d forgotten the younger wolf was there.
Speaker:“So you grew up as a wolf?
Speaker:You were just always like this?”
Speaker:Whitman blinked at him.
Speaker:“Must’ve been nice, never havin to second guess who you are.”
Speaker:Paul wasn’t sure about that.
Speaker:Would someone who wasn’t second guessing who he was
Speaker:have to ask so many wolves so many questions?
Speaker:“The thing is,” explained the wolf behind a food truck named Eyes As Big As Plates,
Speaker:“the binary between ‘human’ and ‘wolf’ is a social construct.”
Speaker:They were dressed in a baggy black shirt
Speaker:under a red apron
Speaker:faded with the remnants of uncountable stains lost to innumerable laundromats.
Speaker:They’d taken advantage of one of the folding picnic tables
Speaker:to set up a cutting board
Speaker:and were busily converting a pile of potatoes, apples, and beets into small, even, cubes.
Speaker:Judging by the traces still to be smelled from the truck,
Speaker:these were destined for pierogies,
Speaker:or maybe some kind of fried hand-pie.
Speaker:“I thought the social construct
Speaker:binary,” Paul had, in fact, been paying attention,
Speaker:“was between ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’?”
Speaker:“Well yeah, that’s one too.
Speaker:Maybe it doesn’t work exactly the same way, but…”
Speaker:they raised their hands as if to brace themselves against invisible walls,
Speaker:lest they gather too much momentum
Speaker:and charge unstoppably
Speaker:into some other tangential explanation.
Speaker:“Look at it like this.
Speaker:How far can you shift?”
Speaker:“Pretty far. I once won a medal cause they couldn’t tell I wasn’t actually a sheepdog.”
Speaker:“Ok, but when you did that,
Speaker:you still weren’t completely a wolf.
Speaker:You still had human thoughts in there, right?”
Speaker:Paul acknowledged that yeah, he couldn’t have gotten away with it without those.
Speaker:“And in the other direction,
Speaker:you’re never completely
Speaker:human. You always have your sense of smell,
Speaker:your instincts, right?”
Speaker:Paul couldn’t deny it.
Speaker:“So you’re never fully the
Speaker:one or the other.
Speaker:Sometimes you’re more one,
Speaker:sometimes more the other.”
Speaker:They chopped a carrot emphatically.
Speaker:“You shift between them.
Speaker:Why else would they call us shapeshifters?”
Speaker:“Who calls us shapeshifters?”
Speaker:“Humans, you know.” “They call us shapeshifters?”
Speaker:“The point is! …a lot of us will talk about the wolf being your ‘true self,’”
Speaker:they stopped short when they saw how Paul’s ears had perked and tail wagged at that,
Speaker:took a moment to hastily rephrase,
Speaker:“and… for those of us it works for… that’s
Speaker:great! There’s nothing wrong with that!
Speaker:But like, I can’t help but wonder.
Speaker:If you’ve got a human side
Speaker:and a wolf side, you can’t help but always be some of both,
Speaker:and you live in a society that says that only the human side’s acceptable,
Speaker:then the rare times you get to let the wolf side out are gonna be a relief, are gonna feel like you can stop being fake and be real.”
Speaker:“So I don’t know,” they swept the last of the cubed potatoes into a bowl,
Speaker:slipped the paring knife and peeler into an apron pocket,
Speaker:“how comfortable I am with this whole
Speaker:One Big Pack thing.
Speaker:You don’t stop being the real you when you look like a human.
Speaker:At least I don't.
Speaker:If they think everyone living as just a wolf’s gonna solve all problems ever, well… they
Speaker:can try it, but I’m not holding my breath.”
Speaker:They disappeared,
Speaker:with their bowl and cutting board,
Speaker:back into the truck.
Speaker:But when Paul later passed someone
Speaker:—fluffy copper-colored fur, long tuft of tail, slender snout
Speaker:—he would’ve sworn was a werefox,
Speaker:perhaps some kind of weredog,
Speaker:neither human nor wolf
Speaker:but here nonetheless,
Speaker:he also couldn’t help but wonder.
Speaker:“So the problem joining the pack you came with,”
Speaker:the wolf with the nearly-white fur was intently focused on tuning the fiddle on her shoulder,
Speaker:but she’d been answering Paul’s questions attentively all the while,
Speaker:“is they’re one big polycule,
Speaker:and you don’t see a place for you in that?”
Speaker:Paul needed the word ‘polycule’ explained
Speaker:—why not just say ‘pack?’
Speaker:—but that sounded like a fair assessment.
Speaker:The nearly-white wolf seemed to find that quietly humorous.
Speaker:“Well, if you don’t mind hearing it,
Speaker:I’m in a pack like that.
Speaker:Every one of them’s sleeping with every other one.”
Speaker:She nodded to the pack members as they came back with purchases
Speaker:from the booths or emerged from the RV.
Speaker:“Jake and Marc sit with the guys,
Speaker:Gwen and Amy sit with the girls,
Speaker:and then Dee tends to sit with the ladies as a human and with the lads as a wolf.
Speaker:They’re all together in one combination or another,
Speaker:I gave up trying to keep track long ago.”
Speaker:Wait, though, “you said
Speaker:every one of…THEM?”
Speaker:asked Paul. “Indeed I did, kid,
Speaker:well caught,” she gestured with the bow,
Speaker:checked the highest string again.
Speaker:“I don’t sleep with any of em.
Speaker:With anybody, for that matter, haven’t for years.
Speaker:Just don’t feel the need for it.
Speaker:Oh, don’t get me wrong, I don’t
Speaker:dislike it. I just
Speaker:don’t care to do it.
Speaker:Everyone else is a player, and I love the game,
Speaker:but you couldn't get me on the field if you tried.”
Speaker:“I don’t think I understand…”
Speaker:Paul said, because he didn’t.
Speaker:“The point, relative to your present predicament you see,
Speaker:is that I don’t need to throw my hat into the ring, so to speak, to be part of the pack.
Speaker:I cuddle when there’s cuddling to be had,
Speaker:and other than that I’m just happy that they’re happy.
Speaker:Means my pack’s on a solid foundation.”
Speaker:Said pack was settling around them.
Speaker:“Anyway,” she set bow to strings,
Speaker:“singing with folks’s a closer bond than anything you can do in bed.”
Speaker:“We gotta rehearse a bit, there,”
Speaker:said one of them, likely Jake, Marc, or Dee.
Speaker:“You’d be welcome to join in, if you want, man!”
Speaker:added another, likely Gwen or Amy, though perhaps Dee couldn’t be ruled out.
Speaker:The song was deceptively simple,
Speaker:but the lyrics were vague in a way that felt like they expected you to already know this story.
Speaker:Verses about nonspecific heartbreak,
Speaker:young lovers separated by poverty,
Speaker:a long train journey that seemed to be at least three fourths metaphor,
Speaker:except for the parts where the whistle made “me,”
Speaker:—whichever one of the people in the song ‘me’ was
Speaker:—want to howl. All the nearly-white wolf’s pack clearly knew it by heart.
Speaker:Some of them were even slipping into harmony just by force of habit.
Speaker:A wordless reiteration of the invitation flashed across the split second eye contact between Paul and the violinist,
Speaker:and possibly it was an invitation to more than just the song.
Speaker:He would have been lying if he said he didn’t feel the pull of it:
Speaker:the chorus around him hummed with the certainty that of the two kinds of intimacy this pack shared,
Speaker:the music was the closer,
Speaker:the more ecstatic.
Speaker:They moved into a second song without breaking stride,
Speaker:and now every wolf’s eyes were on him, alert and puppyish, playfull,
Speaker:daring him to join them.
Speaker:The verses on this one were obscure:
Speaker:Then a wolfish transformation through humanity shall run,
Speaker:And a transubstantiation that shall never be undone,
Speaker:Sets the wolf within me howling, to the hymn the pack’s begun,
Speaker:An everlasting song!
Speaker:but the tune was familiar
Speaker:and words to the chorus were so easy that he’d already memorized them without trying.
Speaker:Mostly “Halleluia forever”
Speaker:over and over. He might not yet know their harmonies
Speaker:—or the way some of them were howling, rather than singing, the ‘halleluias’
Speaker:—but it would be the easiest thing in the world to step into the place in the music
Speaker:they were leaving for him.
Speaker:Something made him hold back.
Speaker:It felt like the idea of joining Miles and Dan and Martin,
Speaker:in the tent, like not knowing
Speaker:if he would have it in him,
Speaker:if he could be who they expected him to be,
Speaker:if he could walk through the door, held open in invitation.
Speaker:So he waited through a few more songs,
Speaker:said he’d be sure to come listen when the bandstand was theirs tomorrow afternoon, and turned to go.
Speaker:Half sure that if he’d had more courage he could have stayed,
Speaker:and more than half terrified this
Speaker:had been his chance at the place he was supposed to belong,
Speaker:which he’d just missed.
Speaker:The other half of him
Speaker:was beginning to get
Speaker:very tired. “You look lost, pup.”
Speaker:Paul looked up. He’d wandered away from the tents and the booths, up into the foothills, to think.
Speaker:From here he could have looked over the entirety of the Great Pack,
Speaker:as the evening settled,
Speaker:the campfires were lighted,
Speaker:and the strings of lights flickered on.
Speaker:But his head was too full,
Speaker:he couldn’t fit any more vistas of lycanthropic solidarity,
Speaker:no matter how much the wolf he’d been three days ago in Nebraska would have given to see them.
Speaker:The wolf beside him wore dusty clothes, suspenders,
Speaker:and fur so dark black that it almost looked some shade of purple,
Speaker:especially in the crimson light of sunset.
Speaker:Well, if he thought Paul looked lost, there wasn’t much disagreeing with him, was there?
Speaker:“I guess I feel lost, sir.”
Speaker:“You need a hand getting back to the pack you came with?”
Speaker:the dark wolf asked.
Speaker:“Oh, nossir. Not that kinda lost,”
Speaker:Paul shook his head.
Speaker:“I… came here with high hopes.
Speaker:I wanted to find out what it was like to be a real werewolf, to have a
Speaker:place in a pack for real,
Speaker:a place I don’t have to negotiate or defend,
Speaker:that nobody questions,
Speaker:the whole pack just takes it for granted that I belong there.
Speaker:But everything I learned…
Speaker:everyone I talked to…
Speaker:it’s so much more complicated than I ever woulda guessed, you know?”
Speaker:“You realize that’s
Speaker:not usually something you care about when you’re joining a pack, right?”
Speaker:the other wolf asked.
Speaker:“I’ve heard that one, yeah”
Speaker:Paul sighed. “I dunno about the kinda place you mean,”
Speaker:the dark wolf huffed,
Speaker:“but if you wanna talk about it somewhere more comfortable?”
Speaker:He’d followed the dark wolf most of the way
Speaker:before Paul realized
Speaker:they were heading for that cabin
Speaker:he and Martin had seen when they first arrived.
Speaker:“Wait, are you…” Paul couldn’t remember how to ask the question he wanted.
Speaker:“Is this all… you? Are you…?”
Speaker:“That’s my house, if that’s what you mean.
Speaker:And I’ve been planning to bring this whole thing together for a long time.”
Speaker:The cabin porch was equipped with a small rusty barbecue
Speaker:and a surprisingly comfortable bench swing.
Speaker:The dark wolf set an enamel camp kettle over the slumbering coals, and kept Paul silent company
Speaker:until it was time to pour hot water into a pair of mugs.
Speaker:Paul sniffed his experimentally.
Speaker:Some kind of tea, he thought.
Speaker:“So,” the dark wolf lapped at his own steaming mug,
Speaker:“you don’t know if you’ve got a place?”
Speaker:Paul nodded. “Every wolf I talked to has one,
Speaker:but all cause of, like,
Speaker:answers to questions I never even thought to ask.
Speaker:I dunno where’d I’d even start looking for mine.”
Speaker:“In my experience,” the sunset, for a moment, was just at the right angle to turn the steaming plumes from the dark wolf’s mug a vivid and luminous crimson,
Speaker:“it’s not that the pack had a place ready for all these wolves.
Speaker:It’s that all these wolves ARE the pack,
Speaker:and they make places for eachother.
Speaker:Be who you are first,
Speaker:and when the pack can see what space to make for you,
Speaker:it will. Without even realizing they’ve done it.
Speaker:Maybe the question you should be asking is
Speaker:‘who do you want to be?’”
Speaker:“I’m afraid all I got is ‘part of a pack.’”
Speaker:“Alright, start there,”
Speaker:the midnight-colored wolf scratched the bridge of his nose,
Speaker:“make the question, ‘what
Speaker:kinda pack would you wanna be part of?’
Speaker:Does saying it like that work?”
Speaker:“I guess,” Paul sounded uncertain, even to himself,
Speaker:“it’d be cool to be one of those
Speaker:drifter lone wolves.
Speaker:Never stop traveling. Hunt to eat, sleep under the stars.
Speaker:Pass as a stray dog when I need to.
Speaker:I bet that sounds a lot more fun than it is,
Speaker:but it sounds fun enough that I’d want it anyway.
Speaker:Maybe have a different mate
Speaker:in different packs I travel between, though
Speaker:that doesn't seem fair to them.”
Speaker:“Well, that’d be for them to decide, wouldn’t it?”
Speaker:the dark wolf commented.
Speaker:“If they think you’re bein fair enough to em,
Speaker:seems rude to disagree.”
Speaker:“Would they? Think it was fair?” “How would
Speaker:I know? Have to ask them.
Speaker:Once you find em.”
Speaker:“Maybe I’d have one pack,”
Speaker:Paul wasn’t sure if that was reassuring but he might as well carry on with the fantasy,
Speaker:“that’s ‘home’ even if I don’t see it often,
Speaker:like the pack I came with.”
Speaker:The tea was surprisingly sweet,
Speaker:“But they’re all gay.
Speaker:gay.” “And you’re not?” “Man, I don’t even know!”
Speaker:the young wolf whimpered.
Speaker:“I’ve imagined things,
Speaker:but trying to just…
Speaker:imagine a lady, or imagine a man,
Speaker:or I guess I should say wifwolf or werewolf,
Speaker:that doesn’t… I don’t…”
Speaker:he took another drink of tea.
Speaker:“What I keep really imagining is that
Speaker:whoever it is, whatever they are,
Speaker:afterward they tell me something like:
Speaker:c’mon, we’re together now,
Speaker:you’re one of us.”
Speaker:“So what you really
Speaker:lust after,” the dark wolf leaned on his porch railing, setting sun at his back, “is belonging. You can’t tell what place you want because all you really want
Speaker:is having a place.”
Speaker:Paul nodded, slowly,
Speaker:mildly envious that he hadn’t been able to put it into words like that.
Speaker:“I think you’ve got the scent of it,”
Speaker:the dark wolf continued.
Speaker:“You just don’t know if you can do what it takes to run it down.”
Speaker:Paul growled miserably.
Speaker:“How the hell do guys like Miles and Dan just
Speaker:know, from the start?”
Speaker:“Well,” the dark wolf collected Paul’s empty mug, set both aside,
Speaker:“I’d wager if you asked them,
Speaker:they’d say they didn’t
Speaker:‘just know.’ They had to figure it out, too.
Speaker:Everybody does, to one degree’r another.
Speaker:Now, it sounds you’ve been having yourself an exercise in empathy,
Speaker:and far be it from me to speak against empathy.
Speaker:But empathy ain’t gonna tell you who you are,
Speaker:just who everyone else is.
Speaker:Only thing’ll do that is your
Speaker:own life.” That sounded like it had been meant to be significant.
Speaker:Paul looked up. The other wolf was standing by the doorway,
Speaker:holding it open. The sunset blazed behind him,
Speaker:and made his silhouette
Speaker:look like his shape had been cut out of the midnight sky.
Speaker:Except, by some kind of chance reflection,
Speaker:his eyes shone, almost the same color as the setting sun.
Speaker:Paul stepped closer,
Speaker:hesitantly. “You mean I could-?”
Speaker:“If you want to. Up to you.”
Speaker:He followed the other wolf within.
Speaker:It took his eyes a moment to adjust to the darkness,
Speaker:but before they did he felt the other wolf
Speaker:touch him on the cheek,
Speaker:pull him gently deeper into the room that existed only as smells:
Speaker:boots by the door,
Speaker:coat hung on the rack,
Speaker:old and comfortable furniture,
Speaker:and years and years of wolf, but underneath was incense and woodsmoke
Speaker:and something warm and comforting on the stove,
Speaker:and still deeper underneath rain and trees and moss
Speaker:and infinite spaces to roam forever.
Speaker:His lips found his host’s mouth,
Speaker:brushed gently. Just the smallest taste.
Speaker:“I can’t promise,” the other wolf whispered,
Speaker:his whiskers touched Paul’s forehead in a way that somehow didn’t tickle, “that
Speaker:this’ll give you any answers.
Speaker:I hope it’ll show you how to do
Speaker:what you feel you need.
Speaker:But I do promise that,
Speaker:as far as I’m concerned,
Speaker:you’re one of us.” The cabin door swung gently closed,
Speaker:and for a little while
Speaker:the Great Pack was only the two of them.
Speaker:“Oh, there you are, Pup!”
Speaker:Dan said when Paul returned to their campfire.
Speaker:“Guess what? Remember we were talking about if we ought to say hello to the wolf who let them have this whole thing here?”
Speaker:“Hey there, sonny!” An old, shaggy wolf, coyote-drab fur,
Speaker:in camo shorts, a faded neckerchief,
Speaker:and hefty cowboy boots,
Speaker:sat on the other side between Miles and Martin.
Speaker:“Good t’meetcha! Hope ya been enjoyin the Great Pack!”
Speaker:Paul blinked. “This is
Speaker:your land?” “Well no,”
Speaker:the wolf’s coat was matted and his jowls sagged,
Speaker:but his tail wagged busily,
Speaker:“this here’s either Cheyenne or Eastern Shoshone land. But the gubmint thinks it’s mine, and that’s enough to get done what needs doin, I reckon!”
Speaker:“Uh, where,” Paul glanced back, eyes scanned the line of hills against the turquoise-lit post-sunset sky,
Speaker:“do you live, sir?” “Respectful pup, aintcha?”
Speaker:the old wolf chuckled.
Speaker:“I got me the trailer,
Speaker:she does me well enough!
Speaker:Winter comes, I drive her down inta Fort Collins,
Speaker:stay there till spring and I head back up here.”
Speaker:The foothills above them, Paul confirmed,
Speaker:were empty. Of the cabin he’d seen on arrival,
Speaker:where he’d been initiated by the dark wolf’s embrace,
Speaker:there was no sign.
Speaker:The old wolf didn’t stay long.
Speaker:“Got a lotta folk’s smells t’get to know!
Speaker:Yall take care now!”
Speaker:he said, and headed for the next campsite.
Speaker:Then it was just them.
Speaker:Stars above, fire below,
Speaker:Great Pack all around.
Speaker:“You ok, Pup?” Miles asked.
Speaker:“You were gone for a while.”
Speaker:“Yeah, just asking some questions,”
Speaker:Paul squared his shoulders,
Speaker:took a breath like a diver before the plunge.
Speaker:“Working out some answers.”
Speaker:Before he had time to think, he turned
Speaker:and kissed Dan, not hard,
Speaker:but very firmly. Once the startled
Speaker:(Miles,) and wildly enthusiastic
Speaker:(Martin) reactions,
Speaker:not to mention both
Speaker:(Dan,) were out of the way,
Speaker:Dan asked “Does that mean you’re coming back with us,
Speaker:to join our pack?”
Speaker:“Yes and no,” Paul hesitated,
Speaker:but the memory of a kiss in a cabin that was no longer there encouraged him.
Speaker:“I’ll come with you,
Speaker:hell, I think I was always going to.
Speaker:No idea where else I’d go.
Speaker:But I’m gonna be away
Speaker:a lot. Traveling on my own.
Speaker:Maybe have regular stops, packs that’ll
Speaker:recognize me if I turn up out of the blue.”
Speaker:“I need to… tell people.
Speaker:Wolves, wherever I can find them.
Speaker:Maybe even humans,
Speaker:if they’re willing to be turned.
Speaker:Cause I know which pack has a place for me,
Speaker:and it isn’t yours.”
Speaker:The young wolf waved a hand,
Speaker:absently, in a way that took in the valley,
Speaker:the campsites, the booths,
Speaker:the food trucks, the flags, the bandstand,
Speaker:the strings of lights,
Speaker:the forest beyond,
Speaker:the last remnants of sunset above,
Speaker:and every variety of wolf to be found beneath it.
Speaker:“It’s this one.” “Well, Pup,”
Speaker:said Dan, as Martin took his turn embracing Paul,
Speaker:“when I told you there was a place in the pack for you, I didn’t expect one like that.”
Speaker:“Yeah… guess you gotta be careful looking for what you really want.
Speaker:Didn’t expect to find it.
Speaker:But,” Paul’s tail wouldn’t stop wagging,
Speaker:“I owe you a bag of
Speaker:nacho cheese liver bites.”
Speaker:And if the coming days
Speaker:would see to it he followed these wolves home,
Speaker:found a welcome in their arms and beds,
Speaker:rode the hand-me-down motorcycle—that had once bourne Miles from funeral procession to leadership—on his own journeys,
Speaker:pack to pack, mate to mate,
Speaker:bearing a collar with tags in his own name in defiance of those whose tales perhaps
Speaker:conflated him with a predecessor,
Speaker:transubstantiated his life and love into the thread
Speaker:with which to sew packs together into a single
Speaker:Great Pack… …well, that would be the coming days’ business.
Speaker:Tonight, Paul couldn’t care less what the coming days intended.
Speaker:Tonight, he had found his place,
Speaker:with his pack. Tonight he was home.
Speaker:This was the second and final part of
Speaker:“There's a Place in the Great Pack For You”
Speaker:by Rob MacWolf, read by the author.
Speaker:As always, you can find more stories on the web
Speaker:at thevoice.dog,
Speaker:or find the show wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker:Happy Pride, and Thank you for listening to The Voice of Dog.
