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“Suddenly Chihuahua” by Ian Madison Keller (Read by Dirt Coyote, part 1 of 2)
In a world much like our own, a mail carrier suddenly discovers she’s been cursed to become a were-chihuahua.
Today’s story is the first of two parts of “Suddenly Chihuahua” by Ian Madison Keller, who wrote the Changing Bodies series published by Fanged Fiction and edited Shark Week published by Rainbow Dog Books, and you can find more of his stories on madisonkeller.net.
Read by Dirt Coyote, lately of Twitter dot Com.
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https://thevoice.dog/episode/suddenly-chihuahua-by-ian-madison-keller-part-1-of-2
Transcript
You’re listening to The Voice of Dog.
Speaker:This is Rob MacWolf,
Speaker:your fellow traveler,
Speaker:and Today’s story is the first of two parts
Speaker:of “Suddenly Chihuahua”
Speaker:by Ian Madison Keller,
Speaker:who wrote the Changing Bodies series published by Fanged Fiction
Speaker:and edited Shark Week
Speaker:published by Rainbow Dog Books,
Speaker:and you can find more of his stories on madisonkeller.net.
Speaker:Read by Dirt Coyote,
Speaker:lately of Twitter dot Com.
Speaker:Please enjoy “Suddenly Chihuahua”
Speaker:by Ian Madison Keller,
Speaker:Part 1 of 2 The dog came tearing out of a cat flap set into the front door and was gnawing on my ankle before I'd
Speaker:barely registered its presence.
Speaker:He was the ugliest thing I’ve
Speaker:ever seen. The tan Chihuahua had an under-bite,
Speaker:so that his lower teeth
Speaker:stuck out beyond his lip,
Speaker:making him look like a bulldog,
Speaker:his nose was slightly off center
Speaker:and one eye was milky white.
Speaker:On top of that, his head was comically larger than his
Speaker:spindly body. I leaned over and grabbed the tiny thing by the back of the neck,
Speaker:trying to pull it away.
Speaker:It growled low in its throat and didn't let go.
Speaker:I tugged harder and my pants gave way with a sharp
Speaker:ripping sound. Unfamiliar routes were my bane.
Speaker:If I’d known this house had a crazy Chihuahua
Speaker:I would have been on guard sooner.
Speaker:I’d seen the flap in the door,
Speaker:but based on the size
Speaker:had thought it was for cats.
Speaker:"Nugget! Chicken Nugget!
Speaker:You bad dog," a feminine voice scolded.
Speaker:A woman, probably in her early twenties,
Speaker:came out of the front door of the house the little monster had come from.
Speaker:I lifted Nugget and held him out towards the woman.
Speaker:A scrap of blue fabric from my pants hung from the Chihuahua's mismatched teeth.
Speaker:"Oh, thank you," the woman said as she took him from me.
Speaker:"I'm so sorry about that.
Speaker:He is such a terror.
Speaker:I thought for sure I'd locked the flap,
Speaker:but somehow this little devil always manages to get out anyway.
Speaker:anyway." She shook her head and glared at the little dog.
Speaker:There was some warmth in her look,
Speaker:but underneath it was glimmer of real exasperation.
Speaker:Anger welled up in me over my ruined pants.
Speaker:But my supervisor had been clear that one more outburst at a postal 'customer'
Speaker:and I would be fired,
Speaker:so I gritted my teeth
Speaker:and did my best to keep my voice even as I replied,
Speaker:"I'm fine, thanks." The woman shrugged at me,
Speaker:clearly dismissing my presence,
Speaker:before disappearing back into the house.
Speaker:Back in my mail truck after completing my circuit,
Speaker:I pulled up my leg to examine the damage to my slacks.
Speaker:A big chunk had been torn off all the way up the calf.
Speaker:Even worse, Nugget's bite had caught my skin.
Speaker:Blood had soaked into the cuff of my white sock,
Speaker:but I didn’t bother to pull out the first aid kit since it had already scabbed over.
Speaker:A fresh surge of anger ran through me and I pounded on the steering wheel hard enough to bruise my palms.
Speaker:A new pair of pants was not in the budget for this month,
Speaker:or any month really. #
Speaker:I made it home without further incident,
Speaker:but the wound on my ankle itched
Speaker:furiously as I began slicing the veggies and frying the steak strips for fajitas.
Speaker:At five-thirty, exactly,
Speaker:the front door banged open.
Speaker:"Dinner's almost ready,"
Speaker:I yelled. If I left the stove
Speaker:now my shells would burn.
Speaker:"Not staying, darling,"
Speaker:Kirby, my husband, called from the front room.
Speaker:"Bowling league tonight."
Speaker:"But--" I started to protest.
Speaker:"No time to chat." He stepped into the kitchen,
Speaker:pecked me on the cheek,
Speaker:and then was gone,
Speaker:the front door slamming closed behind him.
Speaker:I stood, frozen in the act of flipping a fajita shell until the heat burned thumb.
Speaker:I yelped and jumped away.
Speaker:The clock was edging up towards six, so where were my kids?
Speaker:I dug through my purse for my cell phone.
Speaker:"Where r u?" I typed,
Speaker:eyes narrowing to glare at my daughter’s picture on the screen,
Speaker:as if I could send my glare through the phone along with the words.
Speaker:"Dinner getting cold."
Speaker:"At Brianna's," came the terse reply from my oldest, Maria.
Speaker:"Studying for a test tomorrow.
Speaker:Home late. Had pizza.
Speaker:Love you." Taya, my youngest, replied a few minutes later.
Speaker:"On way home now. Already ate at Staci's house.
Speaker:house." The mounds of food I’d spent the last hour preparing stared back at me from the table.
Speaker:I growled and got the Tupperware,
Speaker:slamming the cupboards closed.
Speaker:My hands shook with anger as I began scooping the food into the plastic containers.
Speaker:The shaking grew worse
Speaker:and my trembling
Speaker:fingers dropped the serving spoon.
Speaker:It fell into a container I’d already filled,
Speaker:tipping it over and dumping fajita mix off the table and all over the floor. "¡Qué putada!" I screamed, frustrated, hungry, and exhausted. One more thing to clean up.
Speaker:I moved to get a rag,
Speaker:but my whole body began to shake hard enough to make my teeth chatter as if I was freezing.
Speaker:Without warning the whole kitchen seemed to expand around me;
Speaker:the walls becoming farther apart,
Speaker:the table and then the chair bottoms rising above my head.
Speaker:A moment later soft navy fabric fell over my entire body,
Speaker:blocking my vision.
Speaker:I struggled out of the mound of clothes with difficulty.
Speaker:My fingers didn’t seem to be working properly and I couldn’t get a
Speaker:grip on the fabric to lift it.
Speaker:I thrashed my way free and tried to stand,
Speaker:but my legs were shaky.
Speaker:What was going on?
Speaker:I fell to all fours, a strangely comfortable position,
Speaker:and glanced around.
Speaker:The colors of the kitchen washed out,
Speaker:reds becoming pale brown
Speaker:and yellow and the navy of my uniform faded to
Speaker:pale blue. My whole body
Speaker:tingled oddly. I twisted my head to look down at myself,
Speaker:trying to figure out what was wrong.
Speaker:Soft brown fur came into view,
Speaker:along with a thin tail that curled above my back.
Speaker:The tail wagged back and forth
Speaker:and I realized that I could
Speaker:feel it there on my butt.
Speaker:Suddenly, somehow,
Speaker:I'd become a Chihuahua.
Speaker:After a few moments of balancing on my spindly back legs
Speaker:and craning my neck
Speaker:I spotted where I’d left my cell phone on the kitchen counter,
Speaker:next to my purse.
Speaker:I backed up and charged.
Speaker:My claws scrabbled for purchase on the linoleum,
Speaker:but I managed to build up some speed
Speaker:even in the tiny kitchen.
Speaker:I jumped as hard and high as I could,
Speaker:only to smack headfirst into the drawers,
Speaker:not even halfway up.
Speaker:I stumbled around dazed.
Speaker:Above me, my phone chimed and buzzed with an incoming text message,
Speaker:the vibration moving the phone
Speaker:until a corner peaked out over the edge.
Speaker:The phone might as well have been on the moon for all the good it did me down on the floor.
Speaker:The front door creaked
Speaker:and a girl's voice called.
Speaker:"Mom, I'm home!" "Thank heaven!"
Speaker:I trotted out into the living room.
Speaker:"Taya, you have to help me."
Speaker:Taya blinked down at me
Speaker:in surprise and shut the door behind her,
Speaker:shedding her muddy tennis shoes and backpack onto the floor.
Speaker:"Young lady, you know better than that.
Speaker:Put your shoes on the porch and pick up your backpack." I snapped at her,
Speaker:stomping one little Chihuahua foot.
Speaker:"Mom, are you home?"
Speaker:Taya said as if I hadn’t spoken.
Speaker:She peered around in bewilderment.
Speaker:"Where are you? And when did we get a dog?"
Speaker:"What?" My whole body began shaking again.
Speaker:"I'm right in front of you!"
Speaker:"Man, this thing barks a lot,"
Speaker:Taya muttered to herself.
Speaker:"I’m not barking, I’m talking!"
Speaker:I jumped around at her legs,
Speaker:but it was no use.
Speaker:From her comment it was obvious all her daughter heard when I spoke was the barking of an excited dog.
Speaker:Taya walked into the kitchen,
Speaker:groaned at the mess,
Speaker:and began to clean up.
Speaker:"Dad's gonna be pissed.
Speaker:pissed." One by one my family got home,
Speaker:each commenting on my absence,
Speaker:the pile of clothes in the kitchen,
Speaker:and speculating on the strange dog.
Speaker:I continued to yell pleas for help,
Speaker:but like Taya, they heard only barks.
Speaker:Finally they went to bed,
Speaker:shutting me into a bathroom alone.
Speaker:I curled up on the rug
Speaker:and whined myself to sleep. #
Speaker:I woke up the next morning stiff,
Speaker:sore, and naked, but thankfully human again.
Speaker:The hardwood floor was cold on my bare feet as I tip-toed my way into the bedroom,
Speaker:put on pajamas,
Speaker:and slipped into bed.
Speaker:Kirby rolled over as I tugged the covers
Speaker:up, throwing his arm around me. A few moments later
Speaker:he yawned and opened his eyes.
Speaker:"Juana? Where’ve you been?"
Speaker:he mumbled sleepily.
Speaker:"Friend emergency.
Speaker:Thanks for watching her dog for me while I was out.
Speaker:out." I’d had a lot of time to think up an excuse while locked in the bathroom overnight.
Speaker:"Without your purse?
Speaker:Or pho--" My alarm buzzed, cutting him off.
Speaker:I slapped it off,
Speaker:pecked him on the cheek,
Speaker:and rolled out of bed,
Speaker:rushing into the bathroom to forestall further questions.
Speaker:By the time I got out
Speaker:he was fast asleep again.
Speaker:After picking up my truck full of mail,
Speaker:I parked in the same place as yesterday and began delivering letters. "Hey,
Speaker:hey! Go away! My house!"
Speaker:A low voice growled.
Speaker:I stopped, startled,
Speaker:as I hadn’t seen anyone around.
Speaker:A big black lab growled at me from behind a chain link fence.
Speaker:The black lab opened its mouth.
Speaker:"Stop! Don't come any closer, you intruder!"
Speaker:the dog barked. I froze,
Speaker:startled, and stared at the dog.
Speaker:"What? Did you just
Speaker:speak to me?" "Yes I did!"
Speaker:the dog barked. "I told you to stay away from my yard, you stranger."
Speaker:"I won’t go into your yard,
Speaker:I promise." My face heated with embarrassment.
Speaker:"See that you don't.
Speaker:don't." The dog sniffed and sat,
Speaker:watching me warily through the fence as I passed.
Speaker:I stopped again with my hand reaching for the mailbox and looked at the dog.
Speaker:Feeling a bit silly I said,
Speaker:"don't be startled.
Speaker:I'm just going to deliver these letters
Speaker:and be on my way.
Speaker:way." The black lab huffed
Speaker:and didn't reply.
Speaker:I took that as assent,
Speaker:popping the letters into the box before speed walking away.
Speaker:Had that dog really
Speaker:talked to me? Was I going crazy?
Speaker:I pulled out my cell phone.
Speaker:"About yesterday." I texted to Taya.
Speaker:I sent the text, but then hesitated.
Speaker:Taya had been the one to get home and find me,
Speaker:but I had no idea how to word my question without sounding crazy.
Speaker:While I was thinking
Speaker:I dropped mail off at the next house.
Speaker:My phone pinged before I figured it out.
Speaker:"NP. Dad explained. RU ok?" Taya texted back.
Speaker:"Fine. Everything is fine now."
Speaker:"Gr8. Wish we could keep the dog.
Speaker:So cute." Taya followed up with a slew of emoticon hearts and kisses,
Speaker:then another ping.
Speaker:"What’s the dog’s name?"
Speaker:How to respond to that?
Speaker:I chewed on my lip,
Speaker:staring at the phone.
Speaker:What if this happened again?
Speaker:"Bella," I texted back with a smile.
Speaker:If I was to be a dog,
Speaker:I might as well constantly be told I was pretty.
Speaker:"We'll be dog sitting her in the future,
Speaker:whenever my friend needs us to.
Speaker:to." I tucked the phone away.
Speaker:"Hey, you! Stay away!
Speaker:This is my dead squirrel,"
Speaker:a dog barked at me from behind a white picket fence.
Speaker:"I don’t want your dead squirrel,"
Speaker:I answered absently,
Speaker:focused as I was on my bag and gathering the mail for the next house.
Speaker:A man walking towards me on the sidewalk stopped and gawked.
Speaker:"Lady, what is your problem?"
Speaker:he yelled, crossing the street to avoid me.
Speaker:Nugget's house was coming up next.
Speaker:He was a Chihuahua
Speaker:and I’d turned into a one yesterday after he'd bit me;
Speaker:I hoped he was home, so I could ask him about it.
Speaker:The connection was tenuous,
Speaker:but it was the only explanation I could come up with.
Speaker:I took a deep breath to steady my pounding heart,
Speaker:opened the gate, and started up the walk.
Speaker:Their mailbox was mounted on the wall next to the front door
Speaker:and yesterday Nugget had come after me only
Speaker:after I’d turned my back.
Speaker:The pet flap squeaked.
Speaker:I turned and crouched, catching Nugget by his collar just as he lunged for my ankle,
Speaker:again. "Got ya," I crowed,
Speaker:lifting the little dog.
Speaker:Nugget blinked at me in surprise,
Speaker:and then barked in a high pitched voice while squirming wildly.
Speaker:"Put me down so I can kill you properly, invader."
Speaker:"Not until you've answered a few questions.
Speaker:questions." The collar dug into his throat,
Speaker:so I shifted my grip to encompass the scruff of skin on the back of his neck.
Speaker:"Intruder!" Nugget screamed,
Speaker:continuing to squirm and snap.
Speaker:The same woman came out the door, giving Nugget an exasperated glare.
Speaker:"Thank you for catching him.
Speaker:He's such a handful!"
Speaker:She held out her hands.
Speaker:"Just a sec." I pulled the thrashing Nugget close,
Speaker:struggling to keep hold of him and the heavy bag of mail.
Speaker:"What did you do to me yesterday?"
Speaker:"The bite was a warning to never come back!"
Speaker:Nugget was almost foaming at the mouth now he was so frantically
Speaker:barking and flailing.
Speaker:"Obviously, stupid human."
Speaker:"Tell me how to break the curse," I hissed,
Speaker:anger making my voice tight.
Speaker:A tingling tightness ran over my skin
Speaker:and I could feel myself beginning to shake.
Speaker:"Curse? I don’t know what you are talking about!
Speaker:Get out of my territory.
Speaker:territory." Nugget twisted free,
Speaker:leaping for the ground,
Speaker:but the woman from the house caught him before he landed.
Speaker:"Bad Chicken Nugget,"
Speaker:she scolded, sweeping away into the house, not even giving me a backward glance.
Speaker:I staggered away,
Speaker:trembling so violently
Speaker:I could barely work the catch on the gate.
Speaker:It finally popped open
Speaker:and I lurched onto the sidewalk.
Speaker:My bag of mail felt as if someone was
Speaker:filling it full of rocks,
Speaker:getting heavier and heavier with each step.
Speaker:My vision narrowed to a strip,
Speaker:the colors fading and dulling.
Speaker:I managed two steps more
Speaker:and collapsed into the bushes.
Speaker:When I thrashed free of my clothing
Speaker:I found myself once again a dog.
Speaker:I lifted my muzzle and screamed at the sky in frustration.
Speaker:Once I calmed down a bit I sat in the dirt and tried to figure out what to do.
Speaker:My mail truck was parked just one block over,
Speaker:but there was no way I would be able to get the door open.
Speaker:It wasn’t just the problem of my paws not being able to manipulate things,
Speaker:but as a Chihuahua I
Speaker:was just too short.
Speaker:Plus, I didn’t dare leave my bag and clothes just sitting here under a bush, for anyone to steal.
Speaker:Thinking about my clothes made me remember my pockets,
Speaker:and my cell phone.
Speaker:After a few minutes of nosing around at my pants I managed to get my muzzle into the pocket.
Speaker:As delicately as I could
Speaker:I took the edge of the phone in my teeth and tugged it free.
Speaker:The screen was dark and sleeping.
Speaker:I tapped it with my paw and the lock screen flickered into view,
Speaker:prompting me to "Draw your Pattern." A 3x3
Speaker:block of dots filled the screen underneath. "¡Mierda!"
Speaker:I cursed. I’d forgotten about that,
Speaker:since I usually unlocked it using the fingerprint reader on the back.
Speaker:I tried to draw my
Speaker:pattern, but even my tiny Chihuahua paw
Speaker:was just too big.
Speaker:The phone misinterpreted my touch, losing the line or connecting the wrong dots.
Speaker:As I worked cars buzzed by in the street and a few people walked by on the sidewalk,
Speaker:but no one noticed me or stopped to investigate.
Speaker:My trembling had subsided while I worked on the phone.
Speaker:I lay there, head resting on my outstretched paws,
Speaker:trying to decide what to do.
Speaker:I wasn’t sure what triggered it, but my skin tingled and my fur began to recede.
Speaker:Branches scratched at my bare skin and tangled in my hair
Speaker:as I grew in size until I sat naked in the dirt,
Speaker:only partially concealed by the remains of the broken bush I’d been hiding under.
Speaker:A car screeched to halt on the road next to me,
Speaker:a shocked young couple sitting in the front seats staring at me open mouthed.
Speaker:I smiled, gave them a little wave,
Speaker:and began dressing as inconspicuously as a naked woman could on a public street.
Speaker:A second car pulled up behind the staring couple
Speaker:and honked loudly several times,
Speaker:which jolted the driver out of their revere.
Speaker:The car lurched away,
Speaker:although not without several backward glances by the couple.
Speaker:The car behind them roared off without incident.
Speaker:By that time I’d gotten my pants and shirt on, so all they’d seen was a disheveled woman
Speaker:awkwardly putting on shoes.
Speaker:I stuffed my underwear and bra in my mailbag.
Speaker:It would have taken too long to put them on
Speaker:and I needed to get out of here,
Speaker:before that couple called the cops.
Speaker:I picked up my phone, wiping the dirt I’d
Speaker:smeared on the screen with my paws,
Speaker:and called my supervisor to let her know I couldn’t finish the rest of my shift,
Speaker:making up an excuse about being violently ill.
Speaker:Which was true, in a way. #
Speaker:The next morning I called in sick,
Speaker:promising my livid supervisor I’d bring a doctor’s note with me when I returned.
Speaker:After Kirby and the kids had left for the day I turned on the computer.
Speaker:I stared at the blinking cursor in the search bar.
Speaker:I’d had a grand plan this morning
Speaker:that a quick Google search
Speaker:would solve all my problems,
Speaker:but now that I was here,
Speaker:I realized I had no idea what to search for.
Speaker:I leaned back in my chair,
Speaker:drumming my fingers on the desk.
Speaker:My mind flicked back to the old monster movies I’d used to watch as a kid on late-night television.
Speaker:Zombies, ghosts, mummies, swamp creatures,
Speaker:demons, devils, and, of course,
Speaker:werewolves. I shook my head.
Speaker:I most assuredly wasn’t
Speaker:a werewolf. I’d seen the movies.
Speaker:Not only did I not turn into anything close to a wolf,
Speaker:I wasn’t violent,
Speaker:bloodthirsty, or out-of-control.
Speaker:Plus, most importantly,
Speaker:I wasn’t turning on a full moon. But, what was I then?
Speaker:The werewolf shapeshifted.
Speaker:I shapeshifted. And a dog was
Speaker:kinda like a wolf,
Speaker:right? At a loss I typed
Speaker:"werewolf" into the search bar and clicked search.
Speaker:The first result was,
Speaker:of course, Wikipedia,
Speaker:but scrolling through didn't yield any useful information.
Speaker:I clicked the back button.
Speaker:The rest of the page's results were from various games and movies,
Speaker:so I clicked over to the second page.
Speaker:"Werewolf World News" and
Speaker:"Cryptid Hunters"
Speaker:webpages made me give a startled laugh,
Speaker:until I remembered why I was here.
Speaker:Another two hours of research brought me no closer to an answer.
Speaker:I tried searching for
Speaker:"curses," "witches," "magic,"
Speaker:and even "lycanthropy"
Speaker:after reading the Cryptid Hunters webpage out of desperation.
Speaker:Nothing. I slammed the mouse down in frustrated
Speaker:and rested my head in my hands.
Speaker:My hands began to shake
Speaker:and then my whole body vibrated.
Speaker:I barely had time to register what was happening before I found myself on the floor
Speaker:engulfed in swathes
Speaker:of fabric. I dug my way out
Speaker:and then sat on top of my clothing with a litany of curse words,
Speaker:thinking of what had just happened.
Speaker:A pattern had begun to emerge.
Speaker:Each time I’d changed
Speaker:I’d been angry and only changed back after calming down.
Speaker:With that in mind
Speaker:I hopped back up into the chair
Speaker:and then onto the desk. The computer was still on, with Internet Explorer showing the Google homepage.
Speaker:It took some trial and error of taping on the keyboard with my paws and moving the mouse around with my nose,
Speaker:but soon enough I managed to get the cursor back up into the search bar
Speaker:and typed in 'calming exercises'
Speaker:by pressing the keys
Speaker:delicately with a claw.
Speaker:Half an hour of progressive muscle relaxation later found me back in human form,
Speaker:naked and sprawled on the couch.
Speaker:After I got dressed
Speaker:I printed posts on
Speaker:calming techniques
Speaker:until the printer
Speaker:ran out of ink. This was the first of two parts of “Suddenly Chihuahua”
Speaker:by Ian Madison Keller,
Speaker:Read by Dirt Coyote,
Speaker:lately of Twitter dot Com.
Speaker:Tune in next time to find out how Juana deals with her sudden curse.
Speaker:As always, you can find more stories on the web
Speaker:at thevoice.dog,
Speaker:or find the show wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker:Thank you for listening
Speaker:to The Voice of Dog.
