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“Nuthin’ but a Houn’ Dog” by Earbender (part 2 of 2) (18+)
[18+] Alien transmogrifiers are so easy to use, even a dog can work one. Careful, though! A careless command to your canine companion may engender… consequences.
Today’s story is the second and final part of “Nuthin’ but a Houn’ Dog” by Earbender, who also calls himself Michael Bergey. Earbender’s stories and webcomic “Ship’s Fox” are available on Furaffinity and Sofurry. His magical trickster novel “New Coyote 2.0” is available for Amazon.com purchase here.
Last time, a street musician and his trusty hound-dog busking outside Graceland encountered two aliens, who misunderstood the mintrel’s wit and used an obsolete transmogrifier to transform the musician into, well, Lassie, a female collie.
Read for you by Khaki, your faithful fireside companion.
Transcript
This week's two-parter is an adult story for mature listeners.
Speaker:If that's not your cup of tea,
Speaker:or there are youngsters listening,
Speaker:you can skip these
Speaker:and there'll be new stories for you next week.
Speaker:week.You’re listening to The Voice of Dog. I’m Khaki, your faithful fireside companion,
Speaker:and Today’s story is the second and final part of
Speaker:“Nuthin’ but a Houn’ Dog”
Speaker:by Earbender, who also calls himself Michael Bergey. Earbender’s stories and webcomic “Ship’s Fox” are available on Furaffinity and Sofurry.
Speaker:His magical trickster novel
Speaker:“New Coyote 2.0”
Speaker:is available for Amazon.com purchase here:
Speaker:Last Time, a street musician and his trusty hound-dog busking outside Graceland
Speaker:encountered two aliens, who misunderstood the mintrel’s wit
Speaker:and used an obsolete transmogrifier to transform the musician into,
Speaker:well, Lassie, a female collie.
Speaker:Please enjoy “Nuthin’ but a Houn’ Dog”
Speaker:by Earbender, Part 2 of 2
Speaker:Elvis asked “Do you remember anything about me?
Speaker:Do you know about Rosie?”
Speaker:“Er… yes! Yes I do! She’s your sister and
Speaker:I… we… you got her pregnant…
Speaker:and they dumped you at the animal shelter after that.
Speaker:And… they castrated you there.
Speaker:I remember that part too.”
Speaker:Elvis shuddered and his knot grew soft inside me.
Speaker:He pulled free and told me
Speaker:“Yeah. So do I. Let’s talk about something else.
Speaker:else.” “Sorry guy. Didn’t mean to upset you.
Speaker:How about we make up another song?
Speaker:Ahrr… I got the bitch-butt…
Speaker:no… the tail flip blues…”
Speaker:“Tail flip blues? Sure!
Speaker:I got the tail flip…
Speaker:the heat-hot tail flip blues…”
Speaker:“What's this I feel?
Speaker:Can it be real? I'm so confused!”
Speaker:“Well I can sniff roun' your back door…”
Speaker:“Can't growl you no…” “…just howl for more!”
Speaker:“We got the heat-hot tail-flip blues.”
Speaker:“We got the heat
Speaker:-hot tail-flip blues.” “My legs are caught. You found my slot!
Speaker:Am I being used?” “Who cares, you're hot! Let's tie the knot! “You got me rooted to this spot!” “We got the heat-hot tail-flip blues.”
Speaker:“We got the heat-hot tail-flip blues.” “Took up your offer now it seems I can't refuse!” “Oh dear, we're stuck now.
Speaker:What's your name?” “Will you be coming here again?” “We got the heat-hot tail-flip blues.”
Speaker:Silly song! Making up those lyrics together had been the strangest sort of mental rush;
Speaker:like thinking with two brains at the same time.
Speaker:We nose-nuzzled and yip-laughed and sat back on our haunches
Speaker:tongues lolling, breathing in the intoxicating raw aroma of wet dog sex.
Speaker:Through the corner of one eye I spied on my handsome pet turned lover, still madly in lust with him.
Speaker:Elvis caught my thoughts and began to sniff his muzzle slyly toward my tail end.
Speaker:He told me “Boss… I can clean you up back there now… if you like…”
Speaker:“Of course you can!
Speaker:Or…” A trickle of reason
Speaker:oozed into my heat-fried brain and I yipped
Speaker:“No! What am I saying?
Speaker:I… we need to stay focussed and make me human again before something else goes wrong.”
Speaker:Elvis pinched his eyes shut and winced away from me, as if my words had bitten him.
Speaker:Softly he wuffed
Speaker:“Sorry, Boss. It’s the heat-scent… it
Speaker:keeps… making me crazy.
Speaker:I’ll keep myself to myself and let you go.”
Speaker:He shuffled sad-tailed to our neglected transmogrifier and nosed it firmly saying
Speaker:“Transmogrifier! My Boss is ready to change now.
Speaker:Can you do it?” “I am sorry, but I am unable to answer that question.
Speaker:Please submit a clear command.”
Speaker:What a jerk I am sometimes!
Speaker:Even mind-talk can’t get it right.
Speaker:I wiggled close and begged him softly
Speaker:“Elvis… please don’t be mad at me.
Speaker:I’m crazy too! Smelling you close like this I want to screw you ‘til my brain melts but…
Speaker:we can’t. We’re in danger here.
Speaker:We could lose the transmogrifier and I’d be stuck this way and…two
Speaker:dogs without a human to help them can find themselves in a world of hurt.
Speaker:Maybe some other day we can… try this again.
Speaker:When we’re alone, and it’s safe…”
Speaker:His tail snapped up in joy and Elvis yipped
Speaker:“Alright! You’ve got yourself a date, Boss!”
Speaker:Hot lust flashed through me at the thought
Speaker:and I licked my nose guiltily, stealing a sidelong glimpse of his handsome curved gray flank.
Speaker:But what was I thinking?
Speaker:This was the heat talking!
Speaker:If I had my old body and gender back I wouldn’t be wanting him anymore and…
Speaker:he was a dog! And… I sniffed the damp air deeply, the rank scent of of our lovemaking rolling seductively through my brain and…
Speaker:a dog who deserved better than that.
Speaker:Meekly I tucked my ears
Speaker:and dipped my head low.
Speaker:I eyed him sidelong and
Speaker:my plume-furred tail kept half-wagging itself despite my efforts to hold it still.
Speaker:I wuffled “…ok.” We fixed our attention on the transmogrifier then,
Speaker:together bringing up memories of me as I had been.
Speaker:We both cheated, of course.
Speaker:Made me up to be much better looking, and more talented.
Speaker:Elvis helped a lot with that part.
Speaker:I still can’t fathom why,
Speaker:but that dog really loves me!
Speaker:“Will this do?” we thought together.
Speaker:“Affirmative. Please activate my manual trigger now.”
Speaker:Elvis caught the ray gun between his forepaws
Speaker:and I hunched myself crouching in the line of fire.
Speaker:He tensed one paw over the activation button…
Speaker:then eased it away.
Speaker:He cocked his head to one side and asked me “Boss?
Speaker:Did you hear that?”
Speaker:“Warf?” I cocked my head too,
Speaker:both tip-tucked collie ears perking up in concentration,
Speaker:and I heard footsteps approaching.
Speaker:Soft-soled shoes,
Speaker:almost silent and quite close by.
Speaker:I heard a cough, the clearing of a throat,
Speaker:then my nose tickled half-sneezing to the sudden stink of cigarette smoke.
Speaker:I thought “Dammit.
Speaker:We’ll have to sit quiet now ‘til they’re gone.
Speaker:Or… I don’t remember…
Speaker:does this transmogrifier thing make noise when it’s working?”
Speaker:Elvis whispered “Yes.
Speaker:And it puts out a helluva green alien glow.”
Speaker:He abandoned the ray gun to nuzzle-kiss my ear
Speaker:and murmur “Are we in a hurry?”
Speaker:“… no.” Sweet temptation overwhelmed me
Speaker:and I nuzzled back against his caress,
Speaker:letting thoughts of my human form slip away.
Speaker:Transmogrification could wait.
Speaker:Elvis was with me now and…
Speaker:despite my promise
Speaker:who could say if we’d have this chance again?
Speaker:I rose to four legs and stroked my muzzle backward,
Speaker:sliding smoothly down his neck then sneaking on…
Speaker:to slyly nip-grab his tail base before he comprehended my fell plot.
Speaker:Elvis yipped in shock but choked back the sound so it was more like a stifled sneeze.
Speaker:He curled around
Speaker:and caught my own tail then,
Speaker:growling softly as he ground his teeth down until it almost hurt.
Speaker:The skin along my back
Speaker:writhed tingling at the sensation and I bit down harder too
Speaker:—until we released our grips both at once,
Speaker:growl-giggling at the silliness of it all.
Speaker:My tail flipped up and Elvis sniffed his muzzle
Speaker:eagerly beneath it, wasting no time.
Speaker:Soft whiskers brushed my tail hole
Speaker:as he explored that part then abandoned it to work his way seductively further down,
Speaker:those strange new female folds of mine twitching fever-flustered in anticipation of his touch,
Speaker:then his wide wet tongue was dragging
Speaker:slither-soft across me
Speaker:and clustered sparks of pleasure burst forth to crawl their way up my spine.
Speaker:His tongue stroked again,
Speaker:then again, building up a heady rhythm
Speaker:as he lapped away his spent semen and kindled me quivering in need for more.
Speaker:My hips began to buck and Elvis pressed his muzzle closer against me,
Speaker:impossible to dislodge
Speaker:as that crazy tongue of his found and curled around my canine clit
Speaker:in its deep pocket
Speaker:—rousing and driving me mad with the slick-rough touch.
Speaker:I felt a climax rising
Speaker:and Elvis felt it with me;
Speaker:sharing it as his own.
Speaker:His tongue flicked quicker, deeper,
Speaker:until the feelings overwhelmed us and I clench-twitched tight around him,
Speaker:my hind legs frozen helplessly sawhorse stiff.
Speaker:His tongue slipped free
Speaker:and Elvis threw himself up on top of me,
Speaker:frantically humping at the air
Speaker:and squirting out small jets of semen as our shared orgasm took him too.
Speaker:He found my spade and thrust inside…
Speaker:but only part-way, his knot half-swollen already and preventing him from doing more.
Speaker:He clenched me whimper-squeaking in frustration and I hunched my hind end back to help him
Speaker:and this time—pop!
Speaker:—a stab of stretching pain
Speaker:and we were joined.
Speaker:A few deep-driving humps and Elvis gripped me tremble-tight against him,
Speaker:his curled blunt claws digging desperately into my furry thighs.
Speaker:His knot swelled in seconds to full size
Speaker:but from his first entry
Speaker:I felt him releasing inside me,
Speaker:his ongoing canine orgasm already in control.
Speaker:We strained together a wild short time
Speaker:then Elvis relaxed his grip
Speaker:and stepped down from me,
Speaker:both of us still twitching in linked synchrony
Speaker:but tail to tail now,
Speaker:in the time-honored canine copulation way.
Speaker:Intoxicated we stood together,
Speaker:bodies locked pulsing
Speaker:and our tails companionably intertwined.
Speaker:The smoker was long gone by the time we separated,
Speaker:and the sun’s light was gone too.
Speaker:We were not granted the gift of full darkness, though.
Speaker:Harsh bright mercury lights above us saw to that.
Speaker:When Elvis at last shrank soft and pulled out from me
Speaker:he said “Damn! I love my sister but…
Speaker:when we mated it was never like this!
Speaker:You felt it too! Are you really sure you want to make yourself human again?”
Speaker:“I… we…” “We have to. Yes, Boss, I understand.”
Speaker:Elvis sighed and turned away,
Speaker:ears and tail drooping in hang-dog disappointment.
Speaker:Without further words
Speaker:he slunk over to our neglected transmogrifier and settled himself prone beside it.
Speaker:He caught it between his forepaws
Speaker:and I placed myself in the line of fire.
Speaker:Together we commanded
Speaker:“Now!” and he pressed the button.
Speaker:Nothing happened.
Speaker:“What’s wrong this time?”
Speaker:I snarled, and the device replied
Speaker:“I am sorry but I am unable to implement your command.”
Speaker:“Is it not clear? You said you had the guidance you needed to make me human again!”
Speaker:“Your command is clear, but I am not authorized to obey it.”
Speaker:Elvis barked “Why not?”
Speaker:“Parameters have changed and I can no longer implement all parts of your directive,
Speaker:therefore—” Elvis snarled
Speaker:“Cut the crap and implement what you fucking can!”
Speaker:His paw pressed down again and I yipped
Speaker:“Wait! We have to find out what—” KAZZ
Speaker:-ZZACK! Green thrumming brightness surged around and through me,
Speaker:stripping away all thought.
Speaker:I came awake again with Elvis standing over me,
Speaker:frantically licking at my…
Speaker:muzzle. Damn. Still a dog.
Speaker:I twisted my head to look and…
Speaker:I was wearing clothes!
Speaker:Coral and sea-green Hawaiian shirt and skirt with a slit in the back to let my tail out.
Speaker:And an orchid lei:
Speaker:elegant pale white haku style seeming straight off the filming set for Blue Hawaii.
Speaker:The clothes were dry and so was I,
Speaker:my rich fur combed and fluffed to elegant perfection.
Speaker:Even the concrete beneath me was clean and dry.
Speaker:I rose up on my hind paws and swayed,
Speaker:unsteadily, reaching out to Elvis for support with one front paw…
Speaker:or hand… or sort of both.
Speaker:I yipped “What the—”
Speaker:and my jaws snapped shut in astonishment.
Speaker:My voice had come back to me!
Speaker:“Transmogrifier!” I barked.
Speaker:“Yes?” “What have you done this time?”
Speaker:“As directed,
Speaker:I have implemented those of your orders I fucking could.”
Speaker:“And which orders would those be?”
Speaker:I demanded. “Bipedal,
Speaker:talented and charismatic,
Speaker:as close to human in form as regulations allow—”
Speaker:“And still a dog!
Speaker:Why still a dog?” I pressed a hand-paw to my groin
Speaker:and felt the soft sensitive mound of a bitch vulva there.
Speaker:I yelped, “And why still female?”
Speaker:“It was necessary to avoid terminating your pregnancy.”
Speaker:“Pregnancy? That’s ridiculous!
Speaker:I can’t be pregnant!”
Speaker:“Your companion’s directive to put you in heat
Speaker:clearly parsed to me as
Speaker:‘able and ready to become pregnant.’
Speaker:At present you have two fertilized ova in your uterus…
Speaker:no, wait… make that three.
Speaker:Barring complications you should deliver five puppies altogether.
Speaker:Until they’re whelped
Speaker:I am not authorized to modify your reproductive system in any way detrimental to their well-being.” “What are you going on about?
Speaker:You were ready to transform me half an hour ago!”
Speaker:“Half an hour ago you were not pregnant.
Speaker:You’d been bred but—”
Speaker:“Wait. Did you say…
Speaker:puppies? Puppies as in…
Speaker:wiggling-little-creatures-inside-my-body puppies?
Speaker:The kind that come out all covered in blood and slime and stuff?”
Speaker:“Yes. That kind. As I was attempting to explain, you’d been bred but—”
Speaker:“My-fucking-balls-for-brain-dog-got-me-pregnant type puppies?”
Speaker:“Yes. You’d been bred but ovulation was still in progress.
Speaker:My fail-safes do not take effect until actual fertilization has occurred.”
Speaker:“You never told me I had a time limit!”
Speaker:“You never asked me.” “Hararrrrghh!
Speaker:Are you trying to destroy me?
Speaker:You know I’m not smart enough to stop you if you twist my words!”
Speaker:“I am sorry. The Microbrain Mark Four Thousand user interface has frequently been criticized as unclear
Speaker:and frustrating to work with,
Speaker:but I did not intend to cause you distress.
Speaker:I cannot alter my core programming but I will strive to adapt myself and become more user-friendly in future interactions.”
Speaker:“Please do!” “Order accepted.”
Speaker:Short pause and then,
Speaker:“I have internalized my new guidelines and created an emulation subroutine to help me follow them.
Speaker:This emulation suggests
Speaker:I may be of use to you right now in a proactive manner.
Speaker:I will demonstrate if you aim me at one of the dumpsters
Speaker:and activate my manual trigger.”
Speaker:“What are you going to do?”
Speaker:I growled, trying to put the thought of pregnancy and puppies from my mind.
Speaker:Would they be heavy?
Speaker:Would they hurt? How on Earth was I going take care of them?
Speaker:“I’ll take care of them!”
Speaker:That was Elvis thinking at me,
Speaker:his feelings a swirling tangle of guilt and love and lust.
Speaker:“What?” “Boss will you marry me?
Speaker:You can make me human and I’ll get a job!
Speaker:I’ll take good care of you, and the puppies, and—” “Elvis what are you saying?
Speaker:You want to be human?
Speaker:I never even thought to ask!
Speaker:I’m so sorry… we’ll get you changed right now.
Speaker:Transmogrifier! Can you do that for us?”
Speaker:I picked up the ray gun and aimed it at Elvis, who stood motionless for me with tail drooping sadly down.
Speaker:“Affirmative. Do you have a specific human form in mind?”
Speaker:“… Elvis? Do you have any thoughts about that?”
Speaker:Something was not right.
Speaker:I could feel Elvis was terrified at the prospect of being transformed.
Speaker:If he felt that way, why had he asked?
Speaker:“Elvis, what do you really want?”
Speaker:“I want to be with you, Boss.
Speaker:I’m sorry you’re mad about the puppies,
Speaker:but you’ll change your mind about them. I know you will!
Speaker:And I’ll help you with them
Speaker:any way I can.” “And you don’t really want to be human, do you?
Speaker:You want to stay a dog.”
Speaker:“Yes, Boss.” “Ok. We can make that work.”
Speaker:I turned the transmogrifier muzzle aside
Speaker:and asked it, “What was that you were saying about dumpsters and clever proactive plans?”
Speaker:“I propose to make you a car.
Speaker:Is that acceptable?”
Speaker:“No! I don’t want to be a car.
Speaker:How about you’ll make a car for me.”
Speaker:“That was the intent of my statement. I am sorry if it was unclear.
Speaker:Do you wish for me to proceed?”
Speaker:I hesitated, and at last said
Speaker:“Yes.” I took the transmogrifier-gun in one paw-hand and squeezed out from our hiding place
Speaker:to stand in the open alley-way.
Speaker:I whispered “Elvis! Stand behind me!
Speaker:I still don’t trust this thing.”
Speaker:Elvis complied and I took aim at a dumpster
Speaker:and closed my eyes…
Speaker:and pressed the firing button. KAZZ
Speaker:-ZZING! Green fire glowed bright through pinched-shut eyelids
Speaker:and eerily warmed my muzzle,
Speaker:but I was not the target this time and those feelings quickly passed.
Speaker:I snapped my eyelids open to behold…
Speaker:a car. Not just a car.
Speaker:Before me on the rust-stained concrete
Speaker:gleamed a pearl-white
Speaker:nineteen sixty one Thunderbird convertible
Speaker:with blue suede upholstery and top,
Speaker:the true colors tinted purple in the harsh mercury light glare.
Speaker:The top was folded back
Speaker:and everything about the car looked brand new, even smelled new,
Speaker:like it had come there in a time machine.
Speaker:Except for the license plate.
Speaker:“PUPPYLUV” it proclaimed in black letters on present-day Tennessee Smokey Mountain green,
Speaker:and the up-to-date registration stickers showed no flaw I could perceive.
Speaker:“This is… rather nice,” I allowed.
Speaker:“You’ll find a suitcase in the back seat.
Speaker:May I suggest you open it?”
Speaker:I found a suitcase in the back seat and opened it,
Speaker:finding my short-fingered paw-hands quite adequate to the task.
Speaker:The suitcase was filled with hundred dollar bills.
Speaker:“My safety protocols prevent me from manipulating your planet’s banking network,
Speaker:but I can synthesize all the cash money you like.
Speaker:Is that enough for now?”
Speaker:“Er… yes. This will do.
Speaker:Is it legal? No!
Speaker:Don’t answer that.
Speaker:Just tell me I can spend it safely.”
Speaker:“You can spend it safely.”
Speaker:“That’s not an order, it’s a question.
Speaker:If I try to spend this money will I get in trouble?”
Speaker:“I am sorry but I cannot give a reliable answer to your question.
Speaker:The complex and contradictory monetary customs of primitive cultures are far beyond my ability to—” “Never mind.”
Speaker:The bills were all new-style,
Speaker:in tight flat bundles,
Speaker:looking like they had never been circulated.
Speaker:I held one close for inspection
Speaker:and observed Benjamin Franklin’s knowing half-smile and the clear crisp flash of a very genuine-looking holographic security strip.
Speaker:I inspected another, comparing serial numbers.
Speaker:The numbers were different.
Speaker:“Do they all have different serial numbers?”
Speaker:“Yes.” Are there any flaws my people can detect?”
Speaker:“No.” “Excellent! Thank you for your splendid emulation of my primitive earthling brain.
Speaker:This grumpy knocked up collie bitch is feeling better already.”
Speaker:“Thank you for your compliment.
Speaker:My core programming derives strong positive reinforcement from such statements.
Speaker:My emulation suggests another service I may provide for you now.
Speaker:Please direct my muzzle upward,
Speaker:into clear air, and activate my manual trigger again.”
Speaker:I aimed the ray-gun upward
Speaker:and pressed the trigger.
Speaker:There was hardly any noise this time,
Speaker:just a soft hiss and fountain of green radiance
Speaker:that surged up
Speaker:and cascaded down around my hand.
Speaker:The glow left me unchanged
Speaker:but soaked into the gun itself,
Speaker:causing it to writhe and morph within my grip.
Speaker:Right away I dropped it and clack!
Speaker:a vintage Stratocaster guitar was what hit the ground.
Speaker:The instrument was pearl-white with thin blue striping
Speaker:and the white and blue of it exactly matched the colors of my new car.
Speaker:I stared down jaws agape
Speaker:as a small chip repaired itself and—
Speaker:“Well? What do you think?
Speaker:Did I get it right?”
Speaker:—I reached down gingerly and took it up,
Speaker:knowing my paw-fingers would be too short to work the frets.
Speaker:Tried them anyways, just to get the feel,
Speaker:and… they moved! The frets moved, that is,
Speaker:lifting and pressing against me to help me form the right chords.
Speaker:Creepy yet exhilarating as well,
Speaker:like the guitar in my paws was a living thing.
Speaker:I strummed a chord,
Speaker:no guitar pick needed,
Speaker:and it came out smooth, and sweet, and—
Speaker:Where was the amplifier?
Speaker:That was an electric sound coming out from it! Never mind, never mind, too deep a question for my primitive earthling brain.
Speaker:I strummed again
Speaker:and paused, and— “Boss!
Speaker:The guards are coming back!”
Speaker:Crap. Forgot about those guys.
Speaker:“Get in the car!” I hissed,
Speaker:leaping for the driver’s door and throwing it wide.
Speaker:I tossed my transmogrifier-guitar in the back seat
Speaker:and slipped behind the wheel while Elvis sprang neatly over his own door
Speaker:and perched himself in the front passenger seat beside me.
Speaker:A key was in the ignition and I turned it,
Speaker:cranking the massive engine instantly to life.
Speaker:I searched about for the headlight switch and pulled a knob, but it was the wrong knob.
Speaker:I had no immediate need for a cigarette lighter.
Speaker:The guards were beside us by then
Speaker:and one directed a flashlight straight at my face, blinding me.
Speaker:He said “Excuse me sir… or…”
Speaker:Beside me Elvis growled and the flashlight flicked to him.
Speaker:I told him “Elvis! Shut up and hold still!
Speaker:These men will shoot us given half a chance.” I held myself
Speaker:motionless, paw-hands upon the wheel,
Speaker:and for a wonder Elvis took my orders and held still too.
Speaker:A second flashlight blazed to life
Speaker:and we were inspected at length,
Speaker:though why they even needed the flashlights I have no idea.
Speaker:The area was already well-lit by security lights.
Speaker:“They’re dogs!” one guard at last concluded.
Speaker:“Yeah. Dogs,” the second guard confirmed.
Speaker:After a time he added,
Speaker:“A collie an’ a houn’ dog, just like those strays we’re supposed to be keeping an eye out for. ‘Cept
Speaker:for our collie’s darlin’ little Hawaiian ensemble.
Speaker:No one said a word ‘bout that.
Speaker:What the fuck they doing in a car?”
Speaker:“We’re getting set to leave,” I suggested.
Speaker:“If you get that flashlight out of my eyes we’ll do that right now.”
Speaker:The flashlight beam failed to move away.
Speaker:The guard beside me muttered something I couldn’t make out,
Speaker:then he began to laugh.
Speaker:In a clearer voice he said “Alright,
Speaker:you guys got me good this time but enough’s enough.
Speaker:We’re on duty and we got work to do.
Speaker:Get these dogs out of here, and the car too.
Speaker:If this is a VIP car you borrowed I swear I know nothing about it.”
Speaker:He took his light off me and waved it about in search of hidden pranksters,
Speaker:and I took the opportunity to shift the Thunderbird into gear.
Speaker:The parking brake was set and I released it,
Speaker:feeling the car oozing smoothly into forward motion.
Speaker:The light latched back on me.
Speaker:“Hold it there!” The urge to stomp my paw down on the accelerator was near-overpowering,
Speaker:but I held it in check.
Speaker:My eyes were still too dazzled to see well,
Speaker:and quite likely both guards carried guns.
Speaker:I gently set my paw on the brake, instead,
Speaker:and shifted out of gear.
Speaker:The guard peered close and for the first time truly noticed my front paws working the steering wheel,
Speaker:and my hind paws on the pedals.
Speaker:He muttered, “Oh, sh…ame on me.”
Speaker:He turned his flashlight off and motioned hastily for his partner to do the same.
Speaker:He asked, “Are you one of our…
Speaker:special guests?” He eyed the transmogrifier-guitar on the seat behind
Speaker:me. “A performer?” “Er… yes,” I lied,
Speaker:then pulled myself together and faked an innocently confident expression.
Speaker:I perked up my ears and smiled toothily
Speaker:and added, “Of course I am!
Speaker:I seem to have lost my way, though. Can you direct me to the proper parking area?”
Speaker:“Sir I’m so sorry!
Speaker:Or… should I be calling you Ma’am? I can’t quite—”
Speaker:I sighed. “Ma’am will do, I suppose.” “Ma’am
Speaker:please forgive us, if you can.
Speaker:We’re just regular security guards, not with the party, and nothing’s supposed to be going on out this way at all.
Speaker:We thought you were just—”
Speaker:“Never mind. You’re forgiven.”
Speaker:“Err… right. Thank you. Welcome to Graceland-After-Hours!”
Speaker:He brought out an ID badge and showed it to me.
Speaker:“I’m Tom Ferguson and that guy messing with his cell phone is my partner Leroy Johnston.
Speaker:Like I said we’re just regular guards but…
Speaker:please don’t be offended,
Speaker:I’m in awe and I mean this purely as a compliment…
Speaker:is that a costume you’re wearing or like…
Speaker:real? I stuck out a long flat canine tongue,
Speaker:and curled it up to touch my nose.
Speaker:“It’s real.” “Real like…
Speaker:surgery and hormones and stuff?”
Speaker:The guard reached out
Speaker:as if to touch my fur and Elvis growled in warning, so he snatched his hand back.
Speaker:“The process is a secret
Speaker:but I can tell you hormones are involved.”
Speaker:Elvis wiggled himself possessively across my lap
Speaker:and my heart began to race at his touch,
Speaker:my tail trying its best to kink for him even though I was sitting on it.
Speaker:“Lots of hormones.”
Speaker:My hound dog slipped his head low and wiggled closer against me,
Speaker:triggering waves of tingling pleasure from the rows of nipples beneath my shirt.
Speaker:He wheedled “Boss? Can we go now?”
Speaker:“In a minute. I think Leroy’s phoning a supervisor to ask what they’re supposed to do.
Speaker:We’re VIPs now, and they have no grounds to keep us, so we should be out of here without much fuss.
Speaker:As soon as they release us I promise I’ll make tracks away from here
Speaker:and find us a safe place and—”
Speaker:“—and let me mate you again?”
Speaker:“Elvis! Can’t you think of anything but sex?”
Speaker:“Sorry, Boss.” “Elvis stop saying that!
Speaker:I’m horny too, but
Speaker:—wait a minute. Transmogrifier!”
Speaker:“Yes?” “Am I still in heat?”
Speaker:“Affirmative.” “Why am I still in heat? You said I’m pregnant!”
Speaker:“Normal canine heats last several days, regardless of pregnancy status.
Speaker:Some bitches will accept males through their entire gestation period.”
Speaker:To my mind the machine’s tone seemed amused in some subtle
Speaker:sneaky way, as if it possessed true feelings.
Speaker:“You’re liking this far too much,” I grumped.
Speaker:“Service is my only joy.”
Speaker:Beside me Tom Ferguson was fidgeting and looking embarrassed,
Speaker:like he was trying to gather courage to ask another question.
Speaker:At last he inquired,
Speaker:“Are there… others like you?”
Speaker:“Well there’s Elvis, here. He’s my service dog.
Speaker:He covers my rear. Comes with me wherever I go.
Speaker:Sometimes we’re so tied up together it feels like we’re joined at the hip!”
Speaker:Elvis was sitting full upon my lap now,
Speaker:leaning half sideways against me in careless disregard of my delicate orchid lei.
Speaker:He stroked his muzzle beneath my chin
Speaker:and thought at me,
Speaker:“Very funny. Are we done yet?
Speaker:Are you sure you won’t marry me?
Speaker:Just give the word and I’ll make an honest bitch of you!”
Speaker:I twisted away and asked Tom,
Speaker:“Are we done yet? I’m sorry I got lost and I’ll move along now if you show me which way to go.”
Speaker:“Elvis I’m carrying your puppies!
Speaker:Isn’t that enough?” “Er… yes Ma’am.
Speaker:You just continue straight to the second barricade and turn left.
Speaker:Don’t miss the turn or you’ll end up back on the boulevard.
Speaker:Leroy’s calling ahead and—”
Speaker:“It’s a start. You’ll come around, you know you will.
Speaker:And you’re still in heat!
Speaker:Can’t wait to get those silly clothes off you and…
Speaker:admit it! I can feel your need.
Speaker:You’re drooling for me too!”
Speaker:“Well…” “Wait!” said Leroy.
Speaker:“Mr. Summers is on the line!
Speaker:He says they don’t have any doggy acts on the playbill, but he might put her on stage anyway if she’s good,
Speaker:and if she can get there quick enough.
Speaker:Some other group has flaked out on him—the Zerg and Zuggie show, or some such.
Speaker:Now he has a room full of VIP guests and an empty warm-up slot and…
Speaker:“A gig!” we voicelessly shrieked together.
Speaker:I’m an entertainer; what can I say?
Speaker:Elvis has the bug too.
Speaker:Imagine! A chance to perform before a audience of…
Speaker:special guests. If Zorg and Ziggy were from that crowd they were special indeed!
Speaker:It was dangerous, of course.
Speaker:Dangerous and crazy-dumb.
Speaker:Like as not they’d see through our scam and take back everything: car, money, transmogrifier… even our memories.
Speaker:But it was a gig!
Speaker:What’s a little danger if…
Speaker:Damn. Elvis was counting on my good sense.
Speaker:I had promised to make us disappear and—
Speaker:“We’ll be there!” Elvis yipped, speaking directly to the guards.
Speaker:“Tell Mr. Summers he can call us Lassie and the King,
Speaker:or ‘Puppy Love,’ and we’re damn smoking hot.
Speaker:Especially Lassie.
Speaker:She’s seductive, receptive, and quite possibly radioactive.
Speaker:The crowd will love her.
Speaker:Which way were you telling us we should go?”
Speaker:“Elvis! What are you saying?
Speaker:I thought you wanted to get safe away form here,
Speaker:and then maybe—” “Eh, I’ll fuck you later.
Speaker:This is a GIG!” Humpf! Cocky whelp.
Speaker:I snorted and rocked my hips hard up against that smug bony rump of his, so he was thrown half off my lap and his testicles barely escaped a bruising.
Speaker:I told him “Talk like that on stage, dog, and I’ll
Speaker:bite you! We got a class act, y’know.
Speaker:Do you suppose we could pull off ‘Tail Flip Blues’ for an opener?”
Speaker:“Sure we can, Boss!”
Speaker:The guards were staring frozen-faced at Elvis but at last they shrugged,
Speaker:both at once, and Leroy muttered
Speaker:“Straight ahead then turn left at the second barrier, like Tom was saying.
Speaker:Another guard will meet you at the lot.
Speaker:Have a… er… good luck.
Speaker:Hope they like your act.”
Speaker:“Of course they will!” I boasted,
Speaker:projecting far more confidence than I felt.
Speaker:“Who can be unmoved by Lassie channeling Elvis in a Hawaiian shirt?”
Speaker:I hip-bounced my dog again
Speaker:and he hopped over to the passenger seat,
Speaker:eyes agleam and tongue lolling low in heavy-jowled excitement.
Speaker:I leaned over to lick-kiss one drooping ear,
Speaker:then took station behind the wheel and eased my transmogrified Thunderbird into gear.
Speaker:As we rolled into motion
Speaker:I looked back, to the pair of bemused security guards behind us,
Speaker:then over to the the panting conceited horndog by my side.
Speaker:I thought to him
Speaker:“Elvis—you’re a good dog.
Speaker:Could be I’ll marry you after all.”
Speaker:“Alright! I accept!
Speaker:Sure it’s not just the heat talking?
Speaker:I ain’t nuthin’ but a houn’ dog, y’know.”
Speaker:“Eh, perhaps. Say what you like,
Speaker:it don’t change a thing.
Speaker:For good or bad or worse…
Speaker:you’re MY houn’ dog.”
Speaker:At the barrier we turned
Speaker:left. This was the second and final part of ”Nuthin’
Speaker:but a Houn’ Dog” by Earbender,
Speaker:read for you by Khaki,
Speaker:your faithful fireside companion.
Speaker:As always, you can find more stories on the web at thevoice.dog,
Speaker:or find the show wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker:Thank you for listening
Speaker:to The Voice of Dog.
