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“Mouse Your House” by Field T. Mouse [18+]
[18+] Get ready for a new episode of SCURRY TV’s hit show, ‘Mouse Your House!’ Our mousey team answers homeowners’ pleas, bringing style & finesse to their wayward abodes!
Today’s story is “Mouse Your House” by Field T. Mouse, who has been writing critter-centric tales for many years now. You can find more of his work at squirrel.sofurry.com.
Read for you by Rob MacWolf — werewolf hitchhiker.
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https://thevoice.dog/episode/mouse-your-house-by-field-t-mouse-18
Transcript
Today's story concerns adult subject matter for mature listeners.
Speaker:If that's not your cup of tea,
Speaker:or there are youngsters listening,
Speaker:please skip this one
Speaker:and come back for another story another time.
Speaker:You’re listening to The Voice of Dog.
Speaker:This is Rob Macwolf,
Speaker:your fellow traveller,
Speaker:and Today’s story is
Speaker:“Mouse Your House”
Speaker:by Field T. Mouse,
Speaker:who has been writing critter-centric tales for many years now.
Speaker:You can find more of his work
Speaker:at squirrel.sofurry.
Speaker:squirrel.sofurry.com. Please enjoy
Speaker:“Mouse Your House”
Speaker:by Field T. Mouse
Speaker:At eight-o’clock sharp, the network ‘primetime’ feed starts.
Speaker:“Tomorrow night,” the announcer declares,
Speaker:voice dripping with anticipation,
Speaker:“it’s an all-new episode of the award-winning hit show
Speaker:The Capybaras. They are the chillest rodents in town …
Speaker:who are always in hot water!”
Speaker:An image of a stone-faced capybara couple appears on the screen.
Speaker:“Critics are calling it ‘weirdly charming.’ ‘As
Speaker:high-energy as low-energy gets.’ ‘You
Speaker:must see it’!” “But, tonight, it’s YOUR reality Wednesday!”
Speaker:“First up, Mouse Your House!
Speaker:Our fabulous mousey fivesome
Speaker:answers harried homeowners’ pleas,
Speaker:bringing style and finesse into their wayward abodes!”
Speaker:“At 8:30, Mouse Your House:
Speaker:Apartment Edition.
Speaker:They can fix that,
Speaker:too!” “At 9, are you becoming a hoarder?
Speaker:Garage overflowing?
Speaker:Our squirrels can help with that!
Speaker:It’s Squirrel Your Stuff.”
Speaker:“And, finally, at 9:30,
Speaker:lucky contestants’ street cars get turned into hot rods by our team of plucky mechanics.
Speaker:With ‘rattitude.’
Speaker:That’s right. Rev up for
Speaker:Rat Your Ride!” “Only on SCURRY TV. ‘Programs
Speaker:to gnaw on’!” Cut to black.
Speaker:A camera follows a muscular, sandy-furred feline in a tight-fitting t-shirt
Speaker:as he strolls up a driveway.
Speaker:He stops in front of a fancy red sports car,
Speaker:purring, caressing the hood.
Speaker:“Am I right?” he says, giving the camera a grin, tail lazily swerving about.
Speaker:Interview chair - Blake:
Speaker:“My name’s Blake,” the feline says.
Speaker:“I’m a cougar, age 28,
Speaker:from California. I’m a professional drone racer.”
Speaker:Footage shows Blake on-site at a drone race, eyes razor-focused
Speaker:on a screen, face contorting and body leaning side to side.
Speaker:He’s using a remote control to fly his drone through an obstacle course.
Speaker:As it crosses the finish line,
Speaker:he pumps a fist. “(BLEEP), yeah!
Speaker:Top time! Did you see that?
Speaker:Maybe two inches clearance on either side of that last tunnel.
Speaker:Didn’t even scrape it.” Interview chair:
Speaker:“Yeah, it’s a real sport, but it’s not for weaklings.”
Speaker:The camera pushes in closer.
Speaker:“There’s speed walking in the Olympics but not drone racing?”
Speaker:He rolls his golden eyes. “(BLEEP)
Speaker:that.” There is more video of Blake at the event, laughing and hanging out with his pals. Interview chair:
Speaker:“I have world records on three different courses.
Speaker:Prize money’s been good.
Speaker:Have enough for a house, now!
Speaker:So, I took the plunge.”
Speaker:A pause. “Only one problem … ”
Speaker:The visual cuts to Blake standing in an empty room,
Speaker:paws on hips, scowl on face. Interview chair:
Speaker:“Yeah … it didn’t come furnished or decorated.
Speaker:I got my stuff in there, but coming from an apartment, it’s not much.
Speaker:Needs some work. Hard to invite the ladies over when it’s not equipped, y’know what I mean?”
Speaker:The cougar flashes a toothy grin,
Speaker:waggling his brows.
Speaker:“And when I looked at the price of interior decorators, I was, like, (BLEEP)
Speaker:this. I’ll have the mice do it.”
Speaker:He pauses uncertainly. “You,
Speaker:uh … you’re paying for this, right?”
Speaker:Cut to black. THEME SONG.
Speaker:The five Mouse Your House team members
Speaker:tour the residence.
Speaker:They have five days to work their magic.
Speaker:“Oh, my gosh,” a wispy male mouse says, placing a pink,
Speaker:furless paw over his heart,
Speaker:doing a little stagger.
Speaker:A blue-grey house mouse. Monticello.
Speaker:People call him Monty for short.
Speaker:“Is this … is this a
Speaker:color, Edina?” Monty turns in a circle.
Speaker:The camera follows his movements. Every wall is the same.
Speaker:“Is beige a color?” Edina,
Speaker:a cute gold-and-cream harvest mouse in charge of paint, looks over the room and considers.
Speaker:“A little too warm to be beige.”
Speaker:Interview Chair – Edina:
Speaker:“Beige is actually rather complex.”
Speaker:She adjusts her glasses.
Speaker:“It’s alternately a pale,
Speaker:sandy fawn, a grayish tan,
Speaker:and—” Back to house.
Speaker:“Such lack of imagination,”
Speaker:Monty says. “We just got here, Monty.
Speaker:Besides, if it were perfect when we showed up, we’d be out of jobs!”
Speaker:Billings, Edina’s potential love interest,
Speaker:says. He’s also a harvest mouse.
Speaker:An eternal optimist and DIY nerd,
Speaker:he is tasked with construction and electrical work.
Speaker:“All the rooms are like this.”
Speaker:Edina looks at the camera and
Speaker:sighs. “We’re gonna need more paint.”
Speaker:“I’ll protect you, sweetie,”
Speaker:Fridley, Monty’s mate, promises.
Speaker:In charge of furniture, the big-eared, brown-and-white deer mouse pats Monty on the head.
Speaker:“Just concern yourself with the décor.”
Speaker:“My décor has to blend with the color of the walls,”
Speaker:Monty reminds. “I can’t even start until … ”
Speaker:He puts a paw to his forehead,
Speaker:as if the not-technically-beige color is giving off headache fumes.
Speaker:“I just can’t even.”
Speaker:Their tails entwine.
Speaker:The fifth member of the group, in charge of landscaping, is Lonny.
Speaker:A rough-and-tumble grasshopper mouse.
Speaker:He can be seen in the background,
Speaker:out of focus, talking to Blake.
Speaker:Billings goes up to every electrical outlet to test functionality.
Speaker:He then looks up at the ceiling lights.
Speaker:“Kinda weak. Mm.” His blue eyes widen with excitement.
Speaker:“Could use a chandelier in here, don’t you think? Monty?”
Speaker:“Billy, you always ask such
Speaker:obvious questions.”
Speaker:“I’m gonna go inspect the kitchen,”
Speaker:Fridley says, preparing to leave the room.
Speaker:“If you hear screams, it’s because there’s no table and chairs in there. Just …
Speaker:bar stools and a counter … ”
Speaker:Interview Chair – Fridley:
Speaker:“Society used to have standards.”
Speaker:As Fridley leaves, Lonny enters the frame,
Speaker:looking off-screen until he’s sure Blake is out of earshot.
Speaker:“Hey, guys.” He skips a beat for dramatic effect.
Speaker:“Do you think he likes me?”
Speaker:“Who?” Billings asks.
Speaker:“The cougar?” Edina echoes.
Speaker:“You think everyone likes you …
Speaker:remember that coyote a few weeks ago?”
Speaker:“This is different,”
Speaker:Lonny swears. “He just patted my ass!” “You wish,” Monty mutters.
Speaker:“He did.” “He’s straight,”
Speaker:Monty assures. “Like,
Speaker:beyond saving.” “I bet they caught it on camera.”
Speaker:Lonny looks into the camera,
Speaker:awaiting an insert of footage.
Speaker:None occurs. “You have such a bad gaydar, Lonny,”
Speaker:Edina says, taping paint swatches to the wall to determine what looks best.
Speaker:She is already zeroing in on a bright, ocean blue for this room.
Speaker:“He’s a total bro.
Speaker:He was probably just playing around with you. That’s what they do!”
Speaker:“Just cause I’m bi doesn’t mean I’m confused,”
Speaker:Lonny continues.
Speaker:“And if he’s a bro, so what?
Speaker:Just more we have in common.
Speaker:Us howlers are pretty bad ass.
Speaker:We practically chug scorpion venom.”
Speaker:Interview Chair – Lonny:
Speaker:“Disclaimer: don’t chug venom, kids.”
Speaker:“I don’t think ‘bro’ means ‘bad ass’,”
Speaker:Billings points out.
Speaker:“He’s right, dear,” Monty says with a helpful nod.
Speaker:“It just means you’re
Speaker:an ass.” Lonny scowls, buckteeth jutting from his mouth.
Speaker:“Besides, cat?
Speaker:Mouse? Drama.” “And you know that from experience?”
Speaker:Lonny challenges.
Speaker:Monty doesn’t reply
Speaker:but gives the camera
Speaker:some side-eye. Interview Chair –
Monty:“Grasshopper mice like to call themselves
Monty:‘howlers.’ So … yeah.” A sigh as the camera zooms in.
Monty:“That’s what we’re
Monty:dealing with, here.”
Monty:“Where I come from,”
Monty:Lonny continues, as everyone gets to work and tries to tune him out,
Monty:“mice and cats have been known to hook up.”
Monty:“Don’t they also make a lot of … meth?
Monty:Out in the desert?”
Monty:Monty wonders. Lonny crosses his arms,
Monty:tilting his pointy muzzle upward.
Monty:“Howlers don’t quit.”
Monty:“How can you ‘quit’ when there’s nothing there to start with?”
Monty:Edina asks, continuing to organize her paint swatches.
Monty:“What do you think about this one, Billy?”
Monty:Interview Chair – Lonny:
Monty:“They’re always doing that.
Monty:Ganging up on me. Most mice don’t like to rock to the boat, y’know?
Monty:Oh, they talk about it, but they’d never do it. But guess
Monty:what? I’m a (BLEEP)-ing boat rocker.
Monty:You know why?” The camera switches angles.
Monty:“Cause we don’t got boats in the desert,
Monty:and I don’t have any (BLEEP)-ing use for ‘em.”
Monty:The camera eases back but remains focused on the interview chair.
Monty:“Blake’s hot, okay? The other four are essentially paired off.”
Monty:Lonny counts on his paw.
Monty:“Monty and Fridley are mated.
Monty:Edina and Billings are stuck in each other’s orbit and have been for …
Monty:whatever. They’re gonna do each other
Monty:at any time. I’m the only true free agent here.”
Monty:The camera zooms in
Monty:on his face. “I have
Monty:needs.” Another pause.
Monty:“He has a barbed (BLEEP)!” “You think
Monty:you’re gonna turn him?”
Monty:Monty asks. “You?” He shakes his head.
Monty:“Good luck with that!”
Monty:The house mouse leaves, going after Fridley.
Interview Chair:Lonny casually leans back.
Interview Chair:“Challenge. (BLEEP)-ing.
Interview Chair:Accepted.” Cut to black.
Interview Chair:COMMERCIAL BREAK. At twilight, a red squirrel is playing card games on a porch with assorted rodent friends.
Interview Chair:The squirrel goes to gnaw on a wood stick, which instantly breaks in half in their mouth.
Interview Chair:The squirrel grimaces,
Interview Chair:barking out in exaggerated pain.
Interview Chair:“Has this happened to you?”
Interview Chair:an announcer asks.
Interview Chair:The squirrel nods, their friends oblivious to the omniscient narrator.
Interview Chair:“Tired of splinters on your tongue?
Interview Chair:Ready to move on from those old chew sticks?”
Interview Chair:“Yes!” the squirrel declares.
Interview Chair:“But what can I do?”
Interview Chair:“Try Ro-chews!” A colorful image of the product appears, followed by a flash as the product finds itself
Interview Chair:magically transported
Interview Chair:into the squirrel’s paws.
Interview Chair:The squirrel’s eyes widen.
Interview Chair:“Your teeth are special,”
Interview Chair:the announcer says.
Interview Chair:“They don’t stop for anything, and neither should you!
Interview Chair:Gnaw in peace with Ro-chews,
Interview Chair:the chew stick formula that’s hard on teeth but easy on your mouth!
Interview Chair:None of that bitter aftertaste.
Interview Chair:Comes in mint, bubblegum,
Interview Chair:or plain. And less mess!
Interview Chair:Ro-chews. Recommended by four out of five ro-dentists!”
Interview Chair:The squirrel gives a thumbs up to the camera as they gnaw on a Ro-chew stick,
Interview Chair:flipping their cards over and proclaiming, “I win!” END OF BREAK
Interview Chair:The camera pans around the living room.
Interview Chair:Edina is on a ladder,
Interview Chair:pushing a paint roller up and down the wall.
Interview Chair:She is wearing an apron over her clothes. “At the
Interview Chair:last moment, I ditched ‘Greek Siren,’ the shade of blue I had been considering
Interview Chair:… decided to go with
Interview Chair:‘Forever Pine,’ instead.
Interview Chair:A very noble forest green.”
Interview Chair:She dips her roller in the paint pan,
Interview Chair:prehensile tail curling around the side of the ladder.
Interview Chair:The camera cuts to a different angle.
Interview Chair:“Billy? Yeah, he liked this color the most. But … ”
Interview Chair:The camera focuses on Edina’s face.
Interview Chair:“But … y’know, I would’ve chosen it on my own.
Interview Chair:Eventually. It’s not like I’m trying to impress him or anything! Heh.”
Interview Chair:A shy giggle, self-consciously pushing her glasses up her muzzle.
Interview Chair:She then swallows, insisting,
Interview Chair:“This color really gives a feeling of
Interview Chair:rustic relaxation,
Interview Chair:of spiritual wholeness.
Interview Chair:Even more important since Blake isn’t exactly …
Interview Chair:well … maybe it’ll rub off on him!”
Interview Chair:Blake, as if on cue, walks into the room to inspect the goings on.
Interview Chair:“Niiice,” the tawny, easygoing cat says, giving a double thumbs up. “So, uh, where’s my 4K going? I thought it could go right there.”
Interview Chair:“Your TV?” Edina stops what she’s doing.
Interview Chair:The camera whip-pans between Blake and her.
Interview Chair:“I thought … but I thought it was going in the gaming room.”
Interview Chair:“Well, one of them is.
Interview Chair:I figure, like, I need a TV in
Interview Chair:every room, right?
Interview Chair:And if I have them all on the same channel,
Interview Chair:I can walk from room to room
Interview Chair:and not miss anything!”
Interview Chair:The mouse exhales, whiskers twitching.
Interview Chair:“Did … did you know about this,
Interview Chair:Monty?” she asks the house mouse as he, too, enters the room.
Interview Chair:Monty pauses to compose himself,
Interview Chair:seeing she is painting with a color he hadn’t expected.
Interview Chair:“You told me ‘Greek
Interview Chair:Siren’ … ” “I switched it up.”
Interview Chair:“To a cursed Gothic forest?”
Interview Chair:“Blue’s going in the bedroom, now.”
Interview Chair:“I see … well, that’s good.
Interview Chair:He can feel like he’s drowning in an ocean of sleep.”
Interview Chair:“Did you know about the TV’s in
Interview Chair:every room?” “I planned
Interview Chair:all the décor for this room
Interview Chair:on blue,” Monty says quietly.
Interview Chair:“I told Fridley to let you know,”
Interview Chair:Edina replies, as politely as possible.
Interview Chair:“You know Fridley doesn’t hear
Interview Chair:anything when he’s got a new sofa … ”
Interview Chair:Interview Chair – Monty:
Interview Chair:“Fridley loves a plush seat.”
Interview Chair:Cut to another room.
Interview Chair:Fridley walks around a pillowy, burgundy couch.
Interview Chair:He traces the arms and back with the claw of a single, furless finger.
Interview Chair:Interview Chair – Fridley:
Interview Chair:“Sure, a futon is cheap and versatile.
Interview Chair:A futon fits Blake.”
Interview Chair:A pause. “But when I put my body against something?”
Interview Chair:He lowers his voice.
Interview Chair:“I want … luxury.” Billings enters the room, finding the deer mouse sprawled out on a pillowy, thousand-dollar sofa.
Interview Chair:“Should I, uh, leave you two alone?”
Interview Chair:An exasperated Fridley blows out a breath, staring at the ceiling.
Interview Chair:Interview Chair:
Interview Chair:“That’s the problem with a five-person team.”
Interview Chair:His whiskers twitch.
Interview Chair:“There’s always traffic.”
Interview Chair:Cut back to the ‘Forever Pine’ room.
Interview Chair:“What made you change your mind?”
Interview Chair:Monty presses, tail noodling about.
Interview Chair:“Y’know, just asking … out of curiosity.”
Interview Chair:“I … I had a feeling,” Edina says, not exactly lying.
Interview Chair:Monty raises a brow, waiting for more.
Interview Chair:“Colors inspire moods, and I was feeling …
Interview Chair:green,” Edina elaborates.
Interview Chair:“Maybe you’re coming down with something.
Interview Chair:Scurvy, maybe.” “I’m not
Interview Chair:sick,” Edina insists.
Interview Chair:She remains on the ladder,
Interview Chair:two rungs up, allowing her to visually tower over Monty.
Interview Chair:The house mouse put his paws on his hips and said,
Interview Chair:“Well … I mean, I guess all that yellow and gold stuff I got to color complement a blue room
Interview Chair:won’t look tacky in a green one.”
Interview Chair:“That’s the spirit!”
Interview Chair:“It’ll just look like he has a citrus fetish.”
Interview Chair:“Well. Maybe he does!”
Interview Chair:Edina replies, returning to her painting.
Interview Chair:“Maybe.” Monty crosses his arms,
Interview Chair:visibly twitching,
Interview Chair:refusing to leave.
Interview Chair:The camera pushes past the mice
Interview Chair:to a bewildered Blake.
Interview Chair:Interview Chair – Blake: “(BLEEP)-ing mice, man.”
Interview Chair:Cut to outside of house.
Interview Chair:Front yard. Lonny is on his knees,
Interview Chair:digging, planting,
Interview Chair:mulching. “I’m from the desert, so … yeah.
Interview Chair:You wouldn’t think I’d be good with plants and landscaping.
Interview Chair:But here I am!” Interview Chair –
Monty:“Lonny always has to remind you where he’s from.
Monty:We get it, okay? Try getting an identity.
Monty:Do I go around telling everyone I’m from Minnesota?
Monty:No.” He pauses. “Do I look like an ice fisherman?
Monty:I don’t have the ass
Monty:to pull off a tail-sock.”
Monty:Lonny takes off his shirt, flexing a bit.
Monty:“Gotta keep cool.” He pauses hopefully. “Is Blake
Monty:out here?” The cameraman gestures ‘no.’ “Oh … ”
Monty:Footage shows Lonny walking through the yard, scribbling on a notepad with a blue ink pen. “This
Monty:space is pretty basic.
Monty:Could really be spruced up!
Monty:I don’t think we can get away with planting any
Monty:big trees, though.
Monty:Or anything that would become big. We’d get in trouble with the homeowners association.”
Monty:He points, changing directions.
Monty:“Need to leave enough space to have outdoor gatherings. Blake says he likes to party. Or, as he pronounced it, ‘par
Monty:-tay.’ But, yeah, a semi-dwarf pear over
Monty:there, maybe … yeah … in the
Monty:corner.” An enthusiastic nod.
Monty:“Some bushes on the left side of the house, with a brick barrier built around them. Classy! First, though, I’m going to put flowers around the front base of the house. Perennials.
Monty:Low upkeep.” Back in the ‘present,’ the camera moves, handheld-style,
Monty:to Blake as the cougar comes out the front door.
Monty:Seeing Lonny, Blake walks his way.
Monty:The grasshopper mouse, still shirtless on his knees with dirt on his paws,
Monty:tries to play it cool by not looking up.
Monty:“Hey, man,” the cougar says, crossing his muscular arms.
Monty:“Gussying things up?” “Oh!
Monty:Blake! Hah, yeah,
Monty:dude. Gussying,” the mouse squeaks,
Monty:promising, “When I’m done, everyone who goes by will ogle this place with envy.”
Monty:“Awesome! That’s what I’m after.”
Monty:“So, uh … what brings you out here?
Monty:Don’t trust me? Heh. I know it’s not often that a mouse serves under a cat, but …
Monty:y’know, I’m sure it’s happened before … ”
Monty:The cougar laughs, missing the innuendo.
Monty:“Nah, man. You’re good!”
Monty:The feline looks at the window,
Monty:ears cocking. He can still hear the mice squeaking.
Monty:“It’s getting a bit stuffy in there,
Monty:y’know what I mean?”
Monty:Cut to living room.
Monty:The other four mice are all present.
Monty:“I think ‘Forever Pine’ looks better than ‘Greek Siren’,”
Monty:Billings says, unsurprisingly taking Edina’s side.
Monty:“Has such a refreshing vibe!”
Monty:“Thank you, Billy! It does,
Monty:doesn’t it?” “This green
Monty:makes me feel like I’m being stabbed
Monty:by pine needles … in the back,”
Monty:Monty tells Fridley, who is supportively
Monty:massaging his mate’s shoulders.
Monty:“Maybe you have a pinched nerve,”
Monty:Edina suggests. “I wouldn’t be surprised,”
Monty:Monty mutters. “What with all the heavy lifting I do on this show … ”
Monty:Cut to outside. “You seem like you have it all, Blake,”
Monty:Lonny mentions. “Career, home.
Monty:An obscure amount of fame.
Monty:Where’s the girlfriend?”
Monty:“Don’t got one! I just moved, yeah,
Monty:so don’t know anyone around here yet.
Monty:And I travel a lot for drone races.”
Monty:The feline shrugged.
Monty:“Not worried, though!
Monty:Something’ll happen soon enough.
Monty:Usually does.” “Let’s hope so,”
Monty:Lonny says, giving the camera
Monty:a private look. Cut to black.
Monty:COMMERCIAL BREAK.
Monty:A mellow announcer proclaims,
Monty:“Some of us have more fur than others … ”
Monty:A female chinchilla rolls out of bed, looking down at white sheets covered with shed fur.
Monty:She puts her paws on her hips
Monty:and gives an exasperated look to the camera.
Monty:“It can be a problem,”
Monty:the announcer continues.
Monty:“And can even lead to …
Monty:‘misunderstandings’.”
Monty:In a generic household setting, a male chipmunk is being questioned by his mate,
Monty:who suspiciously points to the fur on his pants.
Monty:“That’s not your fur color.”
Monty:The mate squints.
Monty:“What are you hiding?”
Monty:“N-nothing!” he stammers nervously.
Monty:“It was that chinchilla at work. She’s shedding all over the office!
Monty:I must’ve sat in a chair she used … ”
Monty:The announcer rejoins, proclaiming,
Monty:“Now, with the updated Pelt Roller Pro,
Monty:you can keep your fur to yourself!
Monty:Our new, stickier formula
Monty:gets all those loose hairs secured
Monty:without damaging fabric.”
Monty:The camera cuts to a room with subdued lighting and sexy music, where the chinchilla is running a Pelt Roller Pro
Monty:over the ‘innocent’ chipmunk’s backside.
Monty:“Pelt Roller Pro,” the announcer says smoothly.
Monty:“Your fur is your own business.”
Monty:END OF BREAK Billings,
Monty:having mounted Blake’s 4K’s everywhere but the kitchen,
Monty:which Edina has already painted,
Monty:is taking a break to install dimmable, miniature flood lights above the kitchen sink.
Monty:“I just love lighting.
Monty:I mean, you can’t see anything without it, right? Hah! Now, I prefer dimmable lights above a sink because if you’re getting up for a glass of water in the middle of the night,
Monty:you don’t want a full-on spotlight shining in your face.
Monty:Hard to get back to sleep after that!
Monty:Also, it doubles as ‘mood lighting’
Monty:for that romantic dinner you’ve been meaning to have with Edi … with that
Monty:lucky lady.” He clears his throat.
Monty:The camera zooms in on his ears,
Monty:which are blushing.
Monty:“But, uh … now, as far as outlets near the sink,
Monty:this is a bit of a controversy!
Monty:You don’t want them too close to a water source,
Monty:but how close is too close?”
Monty:Fridley, arranging and polishing the new kitchen table and chairs,
Monty:gives the camera a
Monty:‘what is he talking about’ look.
Monty:Interview chair – Fridley:
Monty:“I suppose he can’t help but be boring.
Monty:He’s straight.” A head-tilt.
Monty:“I guess that’s what Edina sees in him.”
Monty:Cut to Edina and Monty.
Monty:The ‘green’ room is finished, including furniture,
Monty:and the bedroom is also nearly done.
Monty:Edina is just removing the painter’s tape from the edges while Monty sets up his décor.
Monty:“Blake suggested ‘Red Passion’ for the walls in here,
Monty:but Monty and I both agreed to stick with a cooler color,”
Monty:Edina explains. “This shade of blue
Monty:promotes relaxation
Monty:and restfulness!” “Well, it’s typical bro thinking, isn’t it?”
Monty:Monty adds. “Oh, red is sexy,
Monty:let me make the bedroom red,
Monty:then it’ll be sexy time
Monty:all the time!” He rolls his eyes, tail zipping about.
Monty:“Bitch, get some sleep.”
Monty:“After this, we’ll work on the bathroom,”
Monty:Edina says. “Billy’s putting the finishing touches on the kitchen.
Monty:We did the dining room and living room, doing the bedroom now …
Monty:tomorrow, we’ll be done!
Monty:Another house successfully moused!”
Monty:“Hooray,” Monty deadpans.
Monty:Interview Chair – Edina:
Monty:“Monty uses sarcasm as a defense mechanism.
Monty:I know he loves the rest of us, and the show!
Monty:Why would he still be here otherwise?”
Monty:Interview Chair – Monty:
Monty:“I tried a real job once.”
Monty:He pauses. “Newsflash:
Monty:the customer is always wrong.”
Monty:“Monty, can you put these paint cans back in the garage for me?”
Monty:Making his voice exaggeratedly deeper,
Monty:Monty says, “Sure thing, miss!”
Monty:Cut outside, to Lonny.
Monty:The grasshopper mouse is in the driveway,
Monty:admiring his handiwork.
Monty:Camera then cuts to the garage, where he’s arranging garden tools and equipment.
Monty:“Blake will probably just hire a gardener rather than handle the upkeep himself, but I feel it’s important to have your tools well-organized.
Monty:By type and, within type,
Monty:by size.” “Yo, Lonny, dig the
Monty:yard, man!” Blake says as he enters the garage.
Monty:The camera quickly turns to the bouncy cougar,
Monty:seemingly always on the go.
Monty:“Hah, get it? Dig? Yard?”
Monty:Lonny does his best genuine laugh.
Monty:“Good one!” The big, brawny feline sidles up beside the mouse,
Monty:putting an arm around him.
Monty:Lonny’s eyes widen.
Monty:He looks at Blake’s chest and then stares off to the side
Monty:at the camera. “So,
Monty:good news, man!” “Oh?”
Monty:“We were talkin’ about how I didn’t have a girlfriend. Well, I’m at the coffee shop,
Monty:and I meet someone.
Monty:Just like that! What are the
Monty:odds? She’s a fox. Literally.
Monty:Gonna bring her to the housewarming party when you guys wrap up.”
Monty:“Oh … ” “Cool, right?” “Right,”
Monty:Lonny says, unable to hide the disappointment in his voice.
Monty:“Anyway, I’m off to practice for my next race.”
Monty:“Um, okay! Sure. See ya … ”
Monty:Lonny sighs, whiskers drooping dejectedly.
Monty:The camera turns and spies Monty’s head
Monty:peeking through the doorway,
Monty:quickly ducking from view.
Monty:Interview Chair – Monty:
Monty:“Alright, you caught me.”
Monty:His ears swivel as he’s asked a question.
Monty:“Do I feel sorry for him?” The house mouse
Monty:slumps back in the chair, crossing his arms.
Monty:“Maybe.” A pause. “I have emotions. You happy?”
Monty:Cut to kitchen, where Billings has finished with his work.
Monty:Fridley is still fiddling with the furniture.
Monty:“Looks great, Billy!”
Monty:Edina says, clasping her paws behind her, swaying back and forth.
Monty:“Well, I mean … it’s nothing without the color of the walls, y’know?”
Monty:Billings’ ears are starting to blush again.
Monty:“So, really, you’re more responsible than me!”
Monty:“Thanks, but, like, you wouldn’t be able to see the colors without
Monty:proper lighting!” Edina counters.
Monty:“Yeah, maybe. But—” Interview Chair –
Fridley:“You could cut the sexual tension with a
Fridley:butterknife.” Cut to garage.
Fridley:Monty pretends to be looking for something
Fridley:as he makes his way over to Lonny.
Fridley:“What do you want?”
Fridley:the grasshopper mouse asks quietly.
Fridley:“I’m not a scorpion. I surrender!”
Fridley:When Lonny doesn’t respond to his attempt at humor,
Fridley:Monty clears his throat and gets right to it.
Fridley:“So, things didn’t work out with you and Blake, huh?”
Fridley:“Yeah, I know. You warned me.”
Fridley:A twitch. “Brag all you want.”
Fridley:“Actually,” Monty said, leaning against a metal shelving unit.
Fridley:“I thought I might introduce you to a friend of Fridley’s.”
Fridley:“I’m sure whoever it is wouldn’t be interested in me … ”
Fridley:“He’s an antelope squirrel. Named Rodney.
Fridley:No barbs, but … he is unattached.”
Fridley:“Antelope squirrels …
Fridley:aren’t they from the desert, too?”
Fridley:the grasshopper mouse asks, starting to perk.
Fridley:“Mmhmm.” Interview Chair –
Monty:“I give it a month.
Monty:They’re both crazy.
Monty:But, hey … ” A shrug as he tries to downplay his niceness.
Monty:“I mean, can’t have Lonny moping on the show!
Monty:It’ll drive off viewers.”
Monty:Cut to black. COMMERCIAL BREAK.
Monty:A fancy rat winces as they apply aloe to a sunburned tail on a sunny beach.
Monty:An announcer laments,
Monty:“You don’t need that … !
Monty:Or this … ” A harvest mouse shivers at a bus stop in the snow, trying in vain to stuff their prehensile tail underneath their winter coat.
Monty:“You need T-Sox!” the announcer insists.
Monty:“The new ultra-comfortable tail-sock for all weather conditions.
Monty:Thermally insulated for winter. Or light and breathable for summer.
Monty:In flesh tones for blending in or neon colors to represent your bold personality!”
Monty:Many fashions of tail-sock covering many different naked tails, male and female, whip across the screen.
Monty:“Yes, there’s a T-Sox for everyone!”
Monty:The rat and mouse, walking paw-in-paw in an autumn-colored park,
Monty:laugh and look back to the camera,
Monty:tail-socked tails curling together.
Monty:“T-Sox. Because furless tails matter, too.”
Monty:BEGIN END CREDITS.
Monty:Housewarming party.
Monty:Outside, the sun is setting.
Monty:Chatter and merriment occur within.
Monty:“To another house
Monty:successfully moused!”
Monty:Fridley cheers, raising a glass.
Monty:Monty clinks glasses with him
Monty:and gives the deer mouse a kiss.
Monty:“We’re at, what, 60-something houses now?”
Monty:Fridley says. “Time flies, doesn’t it!
Monty:I think it’s over sixty … ”
Monty:The deer mouse’s whiskers twitch,
Monty:face scrunching as he mentally verifies his math.
Monty:“The important thing,”
Monty:Monty assures, grabbing Fridley’s shirt collar,
Monty:“is that 69 is coming up soon.”
Monty:“Oh?” Fridley smiles and reaches for his mate’s ropy tail.
Monty:He lowers his voice.
Monty:“How soon?” Monty smirks as he pulls an excited, semi-tipsy Fridley
Monty:off camera, almost causing him to drop his glass.
Monty:“Eek!” The camera turns to Blake,
Monty:who is flanked by a vixen in a very short skirt.
Monty:“Hey, babe, wanna fly my drone?”
Monty:he asks, between mouthfuls of food.
Monty:“It works in the dark.” Lonny’s
Monty:whiskers twitch.
Monty:Interview Chair – Lonny:
Monty:“Pretty sure that was a euphemism … right?”
Monty:Billings and Edina, meanwhile, are nowhere to be seen …
Monty:Cut to hallway. The camera roves room to room.
Monty:It stops at an open door, looks inside.
Monty:Nothing. It keeps moving.
Monty:The next one is … closed?
Monty:Locked. Sounds can be heard behind it.
Monty:Squeaks! Muffled moans. “Oh,
Monty:Billy!” The creaking of a bouncing mattress is unmistakable.
Monty:Slick, slapping noises,
Monty:too. “Ah, ah, Edina!” “(BLEEP)!” The camera shakes as it backs away,
Monty:quickly returning to the party.
Monty:END OF EPISODE. The announcer returns.
Monty:“Thanks for watching!
Monty:Tune in next Wednesday for another exciting new episode of Mouse Your House!
Monty:Up next, though: Mouse Your House: Apartment Edition!
Monty:The town mice visit a historic skyrise
Monty:to renovate a socialite skunk’s ‘old-fashioned’ pad.
Monty:Can they satisfy her elegant demands?
Monty:Will they get over their phobia of elevators?
Monty:Find out now!” This was “Mouse Your House” by Field T. Mouse,
Monty:read for you by Rob MacWolf,
Monty:your fellow traveller.
Monty:You can find more stories on the web
Monty:at thevoice.dog,
Monty:or find the show wherever you get your podcasts.
Monty:Thank you for listening
Monty:to The Voice of Dog.
