“Monkeyshines” by J.B. Rockwell (part 2 of 2)

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Y ou’re listening to The Voice of Dog.

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I’m Khaki, your faithful fireside companion,

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and Today’s story is the second of two (2) parts of

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“Monkeyshines” by J.B. Rockwell,

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part-time scribbler and cat-wrangler,

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and author of the Serengeti series

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(Serengeti, Dark and Stars, and Hecate )

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by Severed Press,

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the upcoming novel Forgotten Stars & Distant Seas due for release in 2021

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from Severed Press,

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and the supernatural/weird novella Crimson King also due for release in 2021

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from Bizarro Pulp Press. [if this is the second or third entry]

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Last time, [Crowhammer ran into trouble with a capital T-

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-they set off in search of fortune

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and ended up getting fired on by a slightly deranged, AI watchdog sentry]

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“Monkeyshines”

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by J.B. Rockwell, Part 2 of 2

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Silence—complete silence—settled over Threepenny Raven’s bridge.

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“God damn. Gotta do everything myself,” Crowhammer grumbled,

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blowing a curl of smoke from his pistol’s end.

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He faced around and found a half dozen shocked faces staring back at him,

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all googly-eyed and open mouthed, like fish who hadn’t yet admitted they were dead.

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“Problem?” “He’s insane,”

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Trucchi breathed. “Nah. Just reckless. You get used to it,”

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Daughtry shrugged.

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“But we’ve got no comms now!” “Boo-freakin’-hoo.

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Don’t need comms

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anyway,” Crowhammer told her.

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“Just need to figure out how to kill that fucker out there.”

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“Yes, sir,” Trucchi said. “Almost there.”

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Quiet for a while then,

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everyone waiting to hear what Trucchi had to sayA

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long, uncomfortable silence followed.

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Crowhammer hated long, uncomfortable silences.

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“Talk to me, Trucchi,”

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he growled impatiently.

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“You’re not gonna like this.”

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“Don’t much like anything about this.

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Spit it out, girl.”

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“Well, it’s a fixed position semi-autonomous AI probe with bilateral scanning capability, a fused crystal matrix -”

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“English, Trucchi.” Trucchi frowned in annoyance. “Layman’s terms? It’s a mean-ass, super-powered, over-armored death machine, which means it’s just about impossible to kill.

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But,” she added, pulling up a schematic,

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“thanks to the Militia,

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it’s got a blind spot.”

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“Where?” “There” she said, pointing at the screen.

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Crowhammer walked over,

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leaning close, studying the diagram.

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“It’s ass. I’ve got to shoot it in the ass.”

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Trucchi shook her head.

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“Can’t shoot it. Lockbox is bolted there.

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You shoot it, you destroy the lockbox with the Scarecrow and this is all a waste of time.” “So what then? Kiss it?

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Whisper sweet nothings in its antennae?”

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“Disable it.” “Disable it.

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Well aren’t you just a fucking comedian.”

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“Look. You said you wanted to know how to kill it.

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This is how.” Trucchi was full-on pissed now.

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The ‘sirs’ were gone,

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the rigid, military stance devolved into a loose-limbed, angry slouch,

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hip kicked out, one hand resting on its curve, the other stabbing at the screen beside her.

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Crowhammer’d be lying if he said he wasn’t a bit turned on.

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He liked sassy women.

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Even ones with sticks up their asses.

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“I’m not telling you it’ll be easy.

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Not even saying it’s sane,

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but you wanna take that Scarecrow out, this is how you do it,”

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Trucchi said, folding her arms over her chest, staring in challenge.

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“I’m listenin’.” “Thing’s fixed in place, got a 360 degree field of fire in all directions. Except downward.

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Not that that really means much in space but you get the idea.”

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“You mean, it can’t see out of its own ass,”

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Crowhammer smiled.

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Trucchi didn’t look amused.

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“So what’re you suggesting?” Daughtry asked.

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“We come in underneath it? Sneak up on it that way?” “Won’t

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work,” she said, shaking her head.

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“Raven’s big. Nice fat target.

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No way that Scarecrow’ll miss her, even with that blind spot.

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spot.” “You just call my girl fat?”

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Crowhammer asked her.

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Trucchi gave him a sour look and kept talking.

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“Lucky for you, I remembered something,” she said, clicking through diagrams until she found what she wanted.

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“There.” Tap of her fingertip against the screen.

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“Used to work maintenance on these.

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There’s a hatch on the bottom that gives you access to the targeting core inside.

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Take the core out,

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Scarecrow’ll be completely blind.”

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“Won’t know where to shoot,”

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Daughtry said, peering at the diagram, nodding slowly.

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“Once that’s gone, we can snag the box and slip away neat as you please.”

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“And just how the hell are we supposed to get close enough to do that?”

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Crowhammer demanded.

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“Fucker’s heavily armed and bang-on accurate. Tear Raven to pieces if we get close enough to do what yer suggestin’.”

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Trucchi shrugged, having exhausted her expertise.

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“EVA,” Daughtry said confidently.

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“EVA,” Crowhammer repeated.

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“Yer cracked, Daughtry.”

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“It can work—” “Yer askin’ one-a my crew to strap on a spacesuit

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and snuggle close to a killing machine!

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Just who do ya think’s gonna be stupid enough to try it?”

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Daughtry cleared his throat

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and hooked a thumb at the helm.

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Otter squeaked indignantly

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and shook his head, chattering loudly,

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reminding the First Mate that they need him to fly the ship.

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He was right, of course—they’d need a pilot to guide them in and dodge the Snakes and Scorpions the Scarecrow spat out

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—but they didn’t necessarily need a good one.

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Not for what they had planned.

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Crowhammer tapped a finger against his lips,

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eyeing Jorgenson in his pod.

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The gunner’s mate hadn’t managed to hit a single damn one of those Snakes out there,

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but he’d done a decent job of thinning the Scorpions a bit.

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Perhaps with a little more covering fire…

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“Ling. Grab Beauregard and Vazquez and tell ‘em to shag their asses down to the forward turrets.” “Aye,

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sir.” Ling abandoned her station

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and hurried across the bridge.

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“Once we’re in there, the forward turrets won’t really do us much good,” Daughtry noted.

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Strictly speaking, Threepenny Raven wasn’t supposed to have any guns

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—she was a freighter after all, not a war machine –

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and according to her official transcript she didn’t.

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Unofficially, all the freighters were armed, turrets bristling up and down their hulls, every last one of them marked down as

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communications equipment so they could get through Customs.

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“Hang on, Ling.” Ling stopped at the bridge door and turned around.

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“Grab whoever you can find and fill all eight pods.”

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“Aye, Captain.” Ling whistled happily as she hurried away.

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One problem solved,

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now for the harder one.

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“Suit up, Otter.” The objections were immediate and vociferous.

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Otter wasn’t stupid—

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he knew this plan was beyond crazy,

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and was having none of it.

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Especially since it meant turning over his coveted place at the helm to someone else on the crew.

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“Look, Otter. It all comes down to this:

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you’re the smallest of the crew—which, in this case, is particularly important

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—and the most capable.

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The rest-a these guys ain’t worth shit.”

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Someone objected and was quickly shushed by the rest of the crewmen.

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“That rig of yours has got all sorts-a do-dads, hoo-has and hoozi

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-wigs that none-a the other spacesuits have.” Otter cut in but Crowhammer raised a hand,

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cutting him off. “One way or another, yer goin’ in, Otter.

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Now either I can order you to do this, and have Trucchi there stuff you into that suit,

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or,” he said, raising his voice to forestall more objections,

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“you can sack up and get some points with Emma.”

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Otter froze, paw lifted,

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mouth hanging open,

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thinking that over.

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Emma was First Mate on Dreadnought

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—a wee woman with a big gun and set of nice tits—and Otter had a thing for her.

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“Now ’cording to Kate, Emma likes daredevils.

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Likes ‘em a lot,”

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Crowhammer said, dropping a wink.

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“Something like this…well,

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that’s sure to catch her fancy.”

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Otter wrung his hands, thinking hard,

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eyes shifting from Crowhammer to the windows as he tried to decide what was in his best interest:

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boobies or safety.

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Apparently boobies won out because Otter drew himself up

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and puffed out his chest as he pulled his goggles down over his eyes.

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There ya go, Crowhammer smiled.

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Brave, heroic otter pose.

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All the ladies love it. “Trucchi! Take Otter down to the cargo bay and get ‘im into his rig.” Otter skittered away with Trucchi following in his wake,

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leaving a very empty helm station.

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“And have someone roll Sullivan outta bed so he can take helm!”

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Crowhammer called after them. Otter raised a paw in acknowledgement

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as he and Trucchi piled into the elevator and disappeared. “Right. Armaments are set. Otter’s set. That leaves just one more thing.

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Daughtry! Get someone up here to fix that,” Crowhammer yelled,

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hooking a thumb at the bullet-riddled comms station.

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“Thought you said we didn’t need comms.”

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“What? ‘Course we need comms.

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How else we gonna talk to Otter?”

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“Umm…I’m not sure—” “Fix it, Daughtry,”

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Crowhammer said flatly. “Yes,

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sir.” They had a tech on the bridge in five minutes and a rumpled,

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yawning Sullivan a few minutes after.

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And when Otter was strapped into his spacesuit, with all pre-EVA checks run

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and everything confirmed to be in proper working order,

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Crowhammer had Sullivan point Raven at the Scarecrow and take her in.

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The shooting started almost immediately.

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Snakes appeared from nowhere,

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a dense cloud of Scorpions following close behind them. Jorgenson plugged away, firing as fast as he could

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while Ling and Vazquez backed him up with shots from the forward turrets.

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They did a good job working together, but even with three guns firing,

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a few of the Scarecrow’s missiles still got through.

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Scorpions shattered against Raven’s hull,

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Snakes tore along her sides,

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the ship shuddered and pitched,

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taking hit after hit as she sailed closer to the Scarecrow.

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“I want continuous fire once we’re in there,”

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Crowhammer said, speaking to all the gunners at once.

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“Forget the Scarecrow.

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Focus on the Snakes and Scorpions it’s spittin’ out.

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Keep ‘em offa Raven.

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More importantly,

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keep ‘em offa Otter.” Acknowledgement from all stations.

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No messing around now—this was serious business.

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Well, to most of them anyway.

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Jorgenson was still humming,

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buzzing out something that sounded suspiciously like I’m a Little Teapot in his bass rumble. “Heh. Heh-heh,”

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Crowhammer chuckled.

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“Something funny?” Daughtry frowned and glanced over.

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“This,” Crowhammer said, pointing out the window.

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“All of this.” “Not following.”

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“Scarecrow? Threepenny Raven?

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My name’s fucking Crowhammer?

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Am I the only one who sees the irony in that?”

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Laughter filtered through the speakers accompanied by the familiar click and buzz of spacesuit comms.

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“Seriously? No one but Otter finds this funny?”

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Blank faces all across the bridge.

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“Damn you guys suck.

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No sense-a humor at all in this crew. ‘Cept

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you, Otter.

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Yer aces in my book.”

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A squeak of satisfaction

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and Otter cut off, readying himself for the job at hand.

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Closer in the Scarecrow’s fire got heavier,

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denser. All eight guns started firing, pounding away at the blue shapes around them,

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but more return fire kept getting through, scoring deep into Raven’s hull, tearing at plating.

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Time to get this over with before that thing tore them apart.

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“You ready, Otter?” Crowhammer called, keying into the comms.

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“Otter?” Nothing. The tech had managed to fix the comms but they were understandably glitch—prone to cutting in and out at random.

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Crowhammer kicked the station hard.

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Something came loose.

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“Oops. Otter?” A single bark in acknowledgement. “Ha!

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That fixed it. Right. Thirty seconds and I’ll open the outer hatch, slingshot ya out, shoot ya right at the Scarecrow. Gunners’ll provide cover fire so don’t ya worry about none of that chaff out there. Ya just focus on that death machine’s ass and the dingleberry hanging under it, got me?”

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Chatter of noise in response,

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Otter starting to rethink this whole agreement.

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Too late. “Thirty!” Crowhammer called and poked a button,

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throwing the cargo bay hatch wide.

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“Give ‘em hell, Otter.” They spat Otter out like a fat little sausage, slinging him toward the Scarecrow as Raven came about,

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all eight turrets blasting awayand

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drawing the Scarecrow’s fire so it would focus on the ship

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and not the blip of white that had shot out of it.

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“Daughtry! Get a camera on him!”

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“Aye!” Daughtry brought the aft camera feed to the main screen.

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Crowhammer held his breath and waited,

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gaze flicking from Otter’s space-suited form

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to the ominous oblong of the Scarecrow hanging in space.

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It was the first time they’d gotten eyes on the thing, and it looked nothing at all like a scarecrow.

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More like a puffer fish, he thought.

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Or a whale mated with a hedgehog. If that’s possible…

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“Nothing to see, nothing to see, nothing to see,” he muttered,

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praying the Scarecrow wouldn’t notice Otter’s tiny,

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white shape hurtling toward it.

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This was the dangerous part.

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Once Otter got to the Scarecrow he’d be safe as houses—

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hidden in that blind spot beneath its posterior.

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But the stretch of space between

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was filled with cobalt blue missiles, any one of which could turn Otter into a drifting

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smear. “C’mon-c’mon-c’mon,” Crowhammer whispered.

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“How’s he doing?” Daughtry asked nervously.

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“Almost—” A hard hit on Raven’s side threw them all to the floor.

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Blue fire lit up the forward windows.

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The ship shuddered and screeched,

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electric fire racing along her metal skin.

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Crowhammer started to get back up

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but another hit pitched the ship sideways,

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rolling her halfway over

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and slewing her off line.

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“Sullivan!” “Trying, Captain!”

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Sullivan clung to the wheel,

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turning it hard over, bringing the ship around with all guns firing, blasting away at blue bars and sparking crescents.

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“Where is he? Where’s Otter?”

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Crowhammer yelled.

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“Lost ‘im!” Daughtry cried, searching the cluttered stretch of space outside the bridge’s window. “Otter! Otter!” Crowhammer screamed, slamming his hand against the comms.

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“Otter!” A burst of chatter—angry, annoyed, scared as hell. Crowhammer could see him then,

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clinging like a tiny monkey to the bottom of the Scarecrow,

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arc welder flaring brightly,

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cutting away at the hatch that closed the probe’s bottom.

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Otter’s rig had been outfitted with a toolkit on one side

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and two pincer-like claws that he could operate with his front paws.

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“Alright, boys! Keep that fucker busy!”

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Crowhammer called down to the turret stations.

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Waves of cobalt fire,

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a confusion of arcing energy missiles and forced ion rounds filling the vast void of space.

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Sullivan dodged and weaved,

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turning Raven round and round the Scarecrow,

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leading its fire while the turret gunners blasted away.

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Time stretched out,

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one minute becoming two,

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becoming ten, shot after shot thudding against Raven’s hull,

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denting it, scoring it,

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pockmarking it with tiny holes.

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“Otter! How we doin’?”

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Chatter on the comms.

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Otter was in but having some difficulty with the targeting core. Trucchi talked him through it as best she could,

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sending diagrams and dismantling instructions to his spacesuit’s display,

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but the poor little bugger was having a tough go of it.

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Two direct hits in a row tore a huge hole in Raven’s side.

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Crowhammer started questioning his sanity in bringing them in here.

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“Gah! This is causing me a bloody fortune!”

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he growled, watching half a dozen Scorpions score across Raven’s nose.

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“Otter! Otter! I need that fucker offline now!”

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Otter barked something rude and severed the comms.

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“Fuck!” Crowhammer screamed

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and punched the comms station.

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“Captain?” “What?!” “Look,”

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Daughtry said, pointing at the spots of blue outside the window. “Yeah-yeah. I know the fucking Scarecrow’s firing at us.

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News flash, Einstein—it’s been firing at us for the last twenty minutes!”

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“Captain. Look,” Daughtry insisted. Crowhammer

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closed his eyes and drew a deep,

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calming breath, counting to ten so he wouldn’t punch Daughtry in the face.

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“What?” He opened his eyes

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and looked outside,

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found everything had changed.

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“Oh.” “Random. Scarecrow’s firing at random.

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It’s blind,” Daughtry smiled.

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“Magnificent little bastard blinded it.”

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“Otter! Otter!” Crowhammer yelled excitedly, pounding at the comms which suddenly weren’t working.

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“Sullivan! Bring us around!

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Come up underneath that fucker so we can pick Otter up!” “Aye,

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sir!” It took some careful maneuvering, and a lot of patience,

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but they eventually got close enough to send Trucchi EVA to retrieve Otter

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and the lockbox and bring them back inside.

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“Payload secure,

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sir,” Trucchi called using the internal comms in the cargo bay.

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Otter’s voice piped up behind her,

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chattering angrily.

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“And Otter says you’re a son-of-a-bitch.”

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“Yeah-yeah. Been called worse—”

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“He also says—” Blam!

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Daughtry whirled around, staring in disbelief

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at the fresh hole in the comms station.

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“What?” Crowhammer spread his hands, put his pistol away.

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“One shot. One, Daughtry.

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Only killed internal comms.

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Restrained myself this time.”

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Daughtry muttered something and shook his head.

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“Sullivan! Get us outta here,”

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Crowhammer called.

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“Aye, sir.” “Jorgie, Ling,

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whoever else is in the turrets

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—blow that motherfucker to kingdom come.”

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“Aye, sir.” Eight voices, all at once.

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Eight turrets firing in unison at a single target.

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It was short-lived but glorious

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and by the time the turrets went silent,

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there was nothing but a floating cloud of debris where the Militia’s Scarecrow had been. “Heh. Heh

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-heh,” Crowhammer laughed softly.

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He kicked at the comms station, stabbing at buttons until they decided to start working again.

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And then he waited,

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toe tapping impatiently until a familiar

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fat, jowly face appeared on the screen.

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“Phin! Cousin! How’s that job going?”

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Horatio smiled. “Terrible.

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Just fucking terrible, Horatio. Thanks fer askin’.”

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Horatio’s smile vanished.

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Sweat bloomed on his forehead,

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poured down his face.

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“Course it might not have gone terrible if you’d bothered to tell me about that goddamn Scarecrow!”

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Horatio’s eyes widened,

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face turning pale as milk,

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fat jowls wiggling furiously.

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“What-what-what,” he stuttered,

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bloated pink tongue licking at fat lips.

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“I did—I didn’t—”

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“You did, cousin. Just like you knew that cargo was worth a helluva lot more than the five million you offered.”

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Horatio looked like he was about to be sick.

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Good. “Now you listen to me you fat. Little. Fuck. I’m gonna find you,

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and I’m gonna gut you.

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Then I’m gonna gut that frog-faced wife of yours. Wait.” Crowhammer stopped and thought a moment.

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“Her first, then you.

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Do you have a dog?”

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Wide staring eyes,

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desperate shake of the head.

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“Cat? Fish? Iguana? Anything?

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Doesn’t matter. You got a pet,

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I’m gonna gut that too. And then I’m gonna stuff you—you and that fat, froggy piece-a ass you call a wife

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—and mount you like a figurehead on the front of my ship. Cuz that’s what I do with lying sacks of shit that screw me over!”

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Crowhammer slammed his hand down,

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killing the line

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and pretty much the entire comms station.

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“So?” he asked, turning around,

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smiling stretching across his face. “Whaddaya think?”

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The bridge was silent.

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“You really gonna kill ‘im?”

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Daughtry asked quietly.

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“Your own flesh and blood? Your sister’s precious baby boy?”

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“Nah. Scared the bejeesus outta him though,

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didn’t I? He’ll be shittin’ bricks fer weeks wonderin’ when I’m gonna show up.”

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Daughtry shook his head.

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“Otter!” “Um, Captain?” Daughtry again. “Comms, remember? You…aerated

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them?” “Oh. Right.

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Go get Otter from the cargo bay. Tell ‘im to stop fuckin’ around with Trucchi and get his ass—”

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“I want a raise.” Trucchi stormed onto the bridge,

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marched over to Crowhammer

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and parked herself in front of him,

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arms folded, face like a thundercloud,

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one hip kicked out—the very picture

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of pissed off bad attitude.

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Otter slipped in beside her and copied Trucchi’s stance.

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He checked to make sure he had it right before thumping a paw against his chest.

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Apparently, Otter expected a raise too.

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Crowhammer glared at the pilot

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until he wilted and slipped away, resuming his place at helm. “Listen, Trucchi,” he growled.

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“I know yer new here, but I don’t giveraises.”

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Trucchi glared unhappily.

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“Fine. I want a promotion, then.

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You owe me.” “Owe you? Fer what?” Crowhammer demanded. “For getting that damn lockbox for you, for one thing.

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For keeping that maniac Scarecrow from turning your pilot into Swiss cheese, for another.”

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Otter chattered gratefully,

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Trucchi gave him a thumb’s up.

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“And then there’s the matter of my employment.”

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Crowhammer’s face darkened.

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“And just what’s wrong with your employment?”

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“Oh, I don’t know. There’s just the small matter of having a bounty on my head,” Trucchi shouted.

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“Militia doesn’t exactly take kindly to its members switching teams, you know.”

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“Your choice to come over to my crew,”

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Crowhammer shrugged.

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Trucchi looked indignant.

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“You threatened to kill me if I didn’t!”

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“Got a point,” Daughtry noted.

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“Oh, so you’re on her side too?

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Fine,” Crowhammer huffed.

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“What kind of promotion?”

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“Armaments.” Crowhammer blinked.

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Not quite the answer he expected.

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“Big guns, eh? Gotta respect that.

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I’ll think about.”

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“Think about it?!” Trucchi looked indignant.

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“But—” Not sure Jorgie’s gonna like it,”

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a glance at Jorgenson’s pouting face made it clear he didn’t like it one bit,

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“but I suppose we could make a swap.” “No!” Jorgenson objected.

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“Umm, sir?” Daughtry tugged at Crowhammer’s arm.

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“That might not be the best idea. Jorgenson’s a horrible scan tech. Not even sure he can read.”

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“Nonsense! Brilliant idea,”

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Crowhammer insisted.

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“Reading’s overrated anyway. Jorgenson: out! Trucchi: in! The rest of you…continue doing whatever you were doing.”

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He folded his arms,

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assuming his most Captainly of stances.

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“Sir—” “Shut it, Daughtry and get us the hell outta here.

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We got a cargo to sell for a shit loada money,

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and I wanna be long gone by the time the Militia notices their toy is missing.”

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“Aye, sir,” Daughtry sighed.

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“You heard the man, Jorgie.

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Haul ass out of that pod and take over scan.”

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Jorgenson stumped by,

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looking like someone had just kicked his puppy,

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slid into Long Scan and started randomly poking at buttons. Trucchi

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smiled in victory

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and headed over to the gimbaled pod Jorgie had vacated,

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sparing a smug look for Crowhammer as she walked by.

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“But me no buts, Trucchi.

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Except maybe that one.”

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Crowhammer snaked a hand out and pinched her sweet, sweet ass. Trucchi’s palm cracked across his face.

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“Ooh, frisky. Yer alright, Trucchi. Yer alright,” Crowhammer smiled. This was the 2 of 2 parts of “Monkeyshines” by J.B. Rockwell,

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read for you by Khaki,

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your faithful fireside companion. Tune in next time to find out how [Crowhammer and his crew find new and interesting ways to almost-but-not-quite get themselves killed].

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As always, you can find more stories on the web at thevoice.dog,

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or find the show wherever you get your podcasts.

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Thank you for listening

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to The Voice of Dog.