“Lone” by SignificantOtter

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You’re listening to The Voice of Dog.

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I’m Khaki, your faithful fireside companion,

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and today’s story is

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“Lone” by SignificantOtter,

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editor of the anthology Species:

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Otters. This story was first published in the anthology

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Wolves, and you can find more of his stories in the anthologies FANG volume 9,

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Dogs of War, or Arcana.

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“Lone”

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by SignificantOtter

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Randall Shepherd always felt most alone when he sat on the train.

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Often he found himself a shadowed, uncomfortable corner near the emergency exits to hide away.

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The illusion of closeness brought about by sitting next to someone else

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was inexplicably worse than just reveling in his own isolation.

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During the going-home bustle of Friday evenings, however,

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the only few open seats were always between other people.

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The wolf's paws locked together tight on his lap.

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He stared at the long individual grey furs,

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blades of dying ashen grass

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over unkempt hills.

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He tried to squeeze himself smaller.

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The ram on his right was too close.

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Wool pressed against the taut fabric over Randall's upper arm

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and he prayed that his suit coat wasn't going to smell like lanolin until he could afford to have it washed.

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Sheep never got the hint when they invaded your personal space.

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If a blade of grass brushed over the tip of a single of the wolf's ankle furs, he'd notice immediately.

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Randall would have bet a paycheck on being able to scissor half a sheep's wool off before it realized.

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A heaving sigh rustled the fur over his chest and neck,

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hand-trimmed short to keep the two sizes too small suit coat from bulging with the otherwise unkempt tufts.

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He wished for someone he could make that bet with.

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It wasn't that he wanted the money.

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Randall had no confidence that he could actually pull off a sheep shearing mid train ride.

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Even so, he liked to imagine the words he'd use,

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the way his voice would rise and fall,

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and the smirk on the shapeless muzzle of the figure he was talking to

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as he or she weighed the money versus getting to see the wolf try something so crazy.

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He used to have friends back in high school and college.

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His old pack exchanged messages every once in a while,

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checking up on each other's lives and subtly boasting about their own.

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Everyone had married, fostered kids,

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and weren't all that interested in the nothings of the life of a lonely single accountant.

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They'd all wandered away to make new packs

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where there wasn't any room for Randall.

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The wool rustled against his arm and shoulder

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and then it was gone.

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"Sorry," the ram said with an apologetic smile, "dozed off and didn't realize I got all up on you like that."

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It felt like a blanket had been pulled away.

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Randall shivered.

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When he got back to his apartment, he slammed the door.

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The wolf didn't know why.

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Nonsensical thoughts and emotions flooded his head and his chest clenched like it was caught in a winch.

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Randall paced back and forth the five steps he could manage in the tiny city apartment.

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He wanted to run. He wanted to scream.

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He panted short and ragged.

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Is this what a heart attack felt like?

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A surge of panic threw him stumbling for his phone,

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buried in his pocket under an ocean of receipts,

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candy wrappers, and loose cigarettes.

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He tore it out and flipped it open,

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littering all the excess over his stained carpet.

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Shaking pads pressed nine one one.

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He held still for a moment and steadied his breathing.

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No, this wasn't a heart attack.

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His head was clear.

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Nothing was spinning.

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He slowly slid the phone back into his pocket.

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"Fuck," he said. Not bothering to take off his tightly hugging suit,

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the wolf collapsed onto his bed.

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At least his mom wasn't around to see him like this.

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She would have been worried sick for his well being.

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The burly wolf woman always told him not to leave the farm,

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that the farm would keep him strong and healthy more than any dirty gasoline- and tar-smelling city.

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And Mom was dead,

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Dad was dead, the farm belonged to a brother whose birthday he didn't even remember,

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and he hadn't spoken to any of them in years.

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Maybe she was right.

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College had been a shit idea.

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The feeling returned,

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a deep burning in his chest.

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The fire bubbled and boiled inside him

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while his head swam with fear and pain

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and longing and want.

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He got up from his bed.

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It was impossible to keep laying down while it felt like hot coals were going to burn right through him.

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Through instinct or feverish loss of control, the apartment window unlatched to his fumbling paws.

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It rose and let in the chilly exhaust-scented night air

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alongside the growls, screeches, and rumbles of the busy road seven stories below.

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He looked out and up at the faint stars

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and the sliver of a moon hanging low in the sky.

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The tip of Randall's muzzle curled into an O

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and he let loose a howl that echoed despair through the city streets and skyscrapers.

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His vocal cords strained and cracked,

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but he pushed through with the song.

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It felt so right.

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All the pent up emotion, the loneliness and banality of life, poured out of his lungs

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and into the gentle breeze.

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He held the note as long as he could,

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a sharp, piercing tenor spear through the droll white noise

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of city life. Was this what vacuous wolves felt like when they howled with their packs?

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Did they sing just like him to release the pain and anxieties of life?

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Or was there more to it;

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a pack closeness

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bound in blood and shrill notes to the heavens?

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That closeness was a puzzle piece for the empty spot

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in Randall's heart.

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He hadn't howled since he was a young cub on the farm.

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His mom scolded him,

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dragged him inside by the ear, and sternly said that no civilized wolf would ever be seen howling like that.

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Afterwards, he held off for eighteen years.

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Why would canines restrain themselves when howling felt so good?

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But his was the only note cutting through the sky.

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Someone yelled from a window above to shut the fuck up.

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Randall sheepishly ducked his head back in

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and slid it closed.

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His paw hung over the latch,

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ready to lock it again,

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but he didn't. He liked the wildness that had rushed through his body

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and sent shivers across his fur.

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He couldn't bear losing that last meager connection.

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Another howl would be far too embarrassing,

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but he relished the idea that he could.

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The window was unlocked if he needed to throw it open

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and sing to the night sky again.

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The next day, a notice taped to his door said that he owed the landlord two hundred dollars in restitution

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for the public disturbance the previous night.

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A postscript politely informed him that if he were to ever try that again,

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it was well within the landlord's rights to evict him.

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After an initial bout of anxiety, he crumpled the notice

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and stuffed it deep into the pocket of his dress pants.

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As he walked to the train station, he began to mentally plan which meals he was going to have to skip to pay the fee.

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Maybe his suit would almost fit, then.

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A grin formed on his muzzle,

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but then evaporated when he realized he wanted to tell someone else

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and for them to laugh right along with him.

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Randall didn't hate his boss,

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but it wasn't a close camaraderie either.

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Of course, he doubted anyone had that kind of relationship with the sharply dressed mouse.

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Stereotypes be damned,

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Randall was less scared walking alone at night through the government assisted housing blocks near his apartment

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than he was getting called in to talk to Timothy.

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"Sir," he started. The mouse didn't even look up from his computer.

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"Sir?" "Yes, yes! Continue!

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What is it that you wish to ask?"

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The mouse's nasally voice sliced through Randall's nerves like a cheese knife against a wheel of camembert.

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"I was wondering - excuse me,

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I was hoping that if it were possible I could maybe get an advance.

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Well, you know." Randall trailed off.

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"No, I do not know.

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What sort of advance do you need and why exactly do you need it?"

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"I, well, I need two hundred dollars. I got a noise disturbance notice and -"

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"And you wish for me to save your tail after you host one of those wild parties all you pups hold?

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If I were to cover for every inane decision made by an employee of mine, I would add hours to my salary calculations, potentially costing the company money

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that would no longer be present for allocation to bonuses or raises.

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Next time, think about the consequences before you choose to hold a shindig during sleeping hours."

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"But I-" "That is all.

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Please return to your work."

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Randall left the office with his tail between his legs.

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Had Timothy even looked up from his computer while he was talking?

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Randall couldn't remember.

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The first half hour of overtime was spent filling out an overtime request form.

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Another two went by filling out tax forms that weren't due for another month

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as he hoped that his boss would find it somewhere in his mechanical mouse heart to approve retroactive overtime as well.

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By the time he started for home,

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dusk had already blanketed the city.

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At least the train was nearly empty.

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Time felt slower,

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dragging out his commute to feel twice as long as usual.

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However, when Randall laid down on his soft bed in his closed off apartment,

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he finally felt like he could relax.

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He was alone but warm,

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with faux fur covers around his shoulders

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that made him feel like someone else was cuddled up close to him.

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He turned on the television to drown out his mind.

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Most of the news hour flew straight over his head.

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It never seemed to stick after long days staring at numbers on a computer.

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However, his ears perked the end of the program.

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"That's right. We regret to inform you that Yule,

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the last known vacuous grey wolf,

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has passed away in captivity.

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It is a tragedy for sure, but we can rest easy knowing that he is joining his mate Yuna,

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who succumbed to a fever last month.

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"Scientists have been on the search for any signs of vacuous grey wolves out in the wild,

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but their findings are grim.

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Since our last report on Yuna,

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many of our viewers have written in with their own accountings of wolf sightings

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or instances of howlings.

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However, our follow-up investigations indicate that all could be accounted for,

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most originating around sapient canines.

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Still, we appreciate your help in an attempt to prove wrong this tragic news.

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A source informs me that the extinction will likely be announced within the year.

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"After Yuna's passing, Yule was devastated.

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He paced his enclosure for her,

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circling the location out on the grass where her body had been extracted.

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He howled more in that month

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than he had in his lifetime before.

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Although I view this tragedy with a heavy heart,

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I don't believe that we sapient peoples, no matter the species,

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can find a better example of undiluted companionship

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than between these two vacuous wolves."

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The wolf hit the power on the remote

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and his apartment drowned in silence.

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Randall decided that he needed a pack.

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He needed a Yuna for his Yule.

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He needed to be a wolf.

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For the first of his two hours of still-unapproved overtime the next day,

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he searched the internet for local wolf associations.

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The nearest one met on Thursdays at a bar by the docks,

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but all the pictures posted on their web-page featured burly beasts of wolves,

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the kinds that used to play bikers in action movies.

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Even if they howled together and hung out as a close pack,

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he didn't think that he'd fit in.

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Randall moved on to hobby groups.

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However, he had no hobbies.

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Back in college he spent a lot of time getting really good at Rubik's cubes, but that wasn't something that he could do with other people.

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Instead he browsed the listings in the area,

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looking for something that didn't seem too difficult or intimidating.

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The crochet club was perfect.

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They met every week after work at six o'clock on Friday.

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Even better, the club was only a few blocks from the towering office building where he worked,

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on the second floor of an unassuming wooden coffee shop

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nestled snug between two glass and aluminum Goliaths.

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He stopped by the coffee shop during lunchtime that Thursday so that he could get a feel for the place.

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It was important to be comfortable with the building before throwing himself into the terrifying situation of confronting the group

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and asking to join.

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On Friday, he brought in a bag full of bathroom supplies

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to trim his fur, smooth his suit jacket,

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and beautify his scent after work in order to be as fresh and presentable as he could manage.

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After prettying up

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and stashing the bag in his desk drawer, he briskly walked to the coffee shop

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with much more confidence than he believed that he warranted.

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However, his confidence evaporated like a puddle on a sunny July sidewalk when he stepped inside.

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The rabbit girl at the counter smiled at him wide,

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bright, and buck-toothed.

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Randall approached her and asked in a hushed mutter,

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as if he were protecting a critical secret,

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"Is the crochet club upstairs?"

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"That's right! They should be starting in a few minutes. Stairs are through that door and it's the room on the left!"

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The wolf nodded a quick thanks,

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took a few steps,

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and then realized that it was probably impolite not to order something.

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Flustered, he turned back and paid for a jasmine tea which the rabbit prepared without even momentarily breaking her sunny smile.

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He ascended the narrow stairway cup in paw,

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steadied himself,

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and then opened the door.

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The crochet club consisted of a bunch of women sitting in a circle in a sparse wooden room.

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Tables had been shoved out to the edges, where several non-matching wardrobes and dressers

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were stacked with haphazard clusters of yarn and board games.

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Even though there was certainly enough space,

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the roof, so steep that it nearly touched the back of the chair nearest the far wall,

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instilled a mild claustrophobia in Randall.

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"Don't just stand there! Come right on in!"

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a sheep lady laughed.

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His ears and muzzle flushed with heat, but he quickly shut the door behind him

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and stepped forward several paces

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before realizing that he didn't know which of the several empty seats in the circle of chairs

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would be right to take.

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He didn't want to accidentally steal someone else's seat only to have them come in moments later to kick him out.

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"You're here for crochet?"

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she continued. A waggle of ears and tails around the room choreographed the members' surprise.

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Randall winced. "Yeah."

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At that, everyone started to talk.

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Voices fought and clambered over one another to rise to the top, but none managed to do so.

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The wolf's tail drooped

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and his ears flattened.

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"Shush! One at a time!"

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A deer on the far side of the chair circle raised her hand.

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Everyone quieted down.

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Tails and ears hung low in embarrassment.

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Randall mentally marked her as the alpha.

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"You can sit next to me if you'd like,"

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she happily offered.

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Randall nodded and sat himself in the seat she gestured to.

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After they got settled and the deer, whose name he learned was Sarah,

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guided his unsteady paws through a basic stitch,

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the room slowly buzzed back to life with conversation.

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At first he didn't pay attention.

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Mistakenly, the focus of his attention was on the crochet.

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Crochet club, he quickly realized,

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wasn't actually about crochet.

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It was about having an excuse to gossip with friends every week.

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A brown bear halfway around the circle from Randall

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talked about how her boyfriend hadn't been returning her calls at night.

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Karen, an outspoken hyena, told her that she should just drop him.

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The relationship was over;

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he wasn't in it anymore.

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He'd never really been there for her anyway.

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It had always just been about him and what he wanted.

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The wolf smiled and followed along as best he could

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without knowing the tangled,

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interconnected web of relationships serving as a background for each story.

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The women seemed to know everything about each other's lives;

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which sibling was causing strife with the family,

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their favorite music to work to, or even how they liked their toast and eggs in the mornings. "What

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about you - Randall, right? That's what you said your name was?"

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Karen asked. He nodded.

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"What's happening in the life of this handsome, stately wolf?"

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"Oh shut it, Karen! If he wants to talk, he'll talk.

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talk." The edges of Sarah's long deer muzzle curled.

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"It's no problem," Randall said.

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"Really, it's fine.

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I don't think it'll be as interesting as any of your stories, though."

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Sarah was suddenly smiling again.

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Leaving her crochet needles and half-knitted hoof-toe socks on her lap,

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she set a hand on Randall's paw.

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"Don't say that! Everyone's got an interesting story or two in them.

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Hey, why don't you tell us what brought you here?"

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The wolf's ears and muzzle flushed with heat,

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but he nodded despite himself.

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Sarah hadn't taken her hand away.

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An almost imperceptible blush darkened the skin under the hood of her flicking conical deer ears as well.

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"It was a news story actually, two nights ago on channel 7.

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They were talking about Yule,

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he was, you know-" "The last vacuous wolf!

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That was so sad!" Lydia,

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a fluffed up and well pampered arctic fox, interjected.

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The deer's shush held enough venom to kill a small animal.

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"He's new! Let him talk!

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I'm sorry about that. Go on then,

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as you were saying."

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He hesitantly told them that there was a little of himself that he saw in the vacuous wolves,

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that he'd been stuck in his stale life for too long.

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Especially after the little bit of release he'd gotten on Tuesday.

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"What happened on Tuesday?

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Did you - did you meet someone?"

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This time, it was all Sarah doing the poking and prodding.

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Everyone else was either amusedly watching on as they crocheted colorful designs in their laps or laughing to each other

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in hushed conversations.

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He shook his head,

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wanting to crawl deep inside himself where he wouldn't have to admit to anyone.

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"I howled." Several women snickered, but Sarah swept the room with a death glare.

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"I couldn't help it.

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There was all this pressure welling up inside of me like a steam vent, and I had to turn the valve and let it loose somehow.

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And you know - you know what,

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it felt really damn good."

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At some point when he was talking,

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the rusted padlock on the safe of feelings and emotions he'd held hidden deep inside him

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clattered to the floor.

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He opened up like a bottle of champagne.

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Over the next hour,

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he told them about everything from his lonesome howl out the window of his apartment

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to the isolation of his train rides.

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Sarah's soft, brown furred hand never

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left his.

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It felt really good to confide in the women of the crochet club.

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Despite the snickers when he started, everyone took him seriously.

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They listened and nodded along and interjected occasionally with questions or bits of helpful advice.

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"Look, you need to actually talk to your boss. He didn't hear the story, and he'd understand if you told him how it really went down,"

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the arctic fox suggested.

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"But he wouldn't understand!

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He's like a robot in mouse fur!

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He doesn't care what my problem is, just what cents it would cost the multi-million dollar fucking conglomerate!"

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"You're just going to go up to him and say -"

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"Hey Tim," Randall said,

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glancing nervously over the bulky CRT

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monitor on Tim's desk,

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"I wasn't able to give you the full story when I was telling you what happened.

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Would you please give me a moment to explain myself?"

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"You may. Go ahead."

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Randall did his very best not to shake as he looked down at the furiously typing mouse.

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"I may have - I mean, I did something stupid, but it wasn't a party.

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I just had this embarrassing moment where everything was too much and I accidentally howled.

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It sort of just happened."

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The mouse didn't interject like last time,

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so Randall continued.

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"But anyway, I've been working for you for 3 years now.

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I've always done my job and met my deadlines,

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and I've never asked for something like this before.

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Would you please reconsider giving me an advance on my next paycheck?

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I promise that it won't happen again."

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There were a few seconds of silence before Timothy said, "Are you finished speaking?"

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Randall shivered. "Yeah."

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"Very well. You may have the advance.

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We are friends, are we not?"

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"What?" The mouse stopped typing and looked up from his computer with a slight tilt of his head? "Did I misread that? Are we not friends? But we had beers

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three months ago for a Friday happy hour. I considered that to be an indication

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of friendship."

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"No!" Randall interjected. "We're friends! Yeah, we're friends, you were right."

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"Oh, good." "Hey," the wolf said,

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ears flipping nervously,

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"how would you like to get drinks again next Thursday." "Would

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Friday not be more suitable?

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A hangover would severely impact our productivity."

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"I've got something on Fridays now."

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"Oh. Good for you. Thursday would be nice."

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Randall walked into the crochet club with a triumphant smile stretching his muzzle in a way that he hoped wasn't intimidating.

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The women, only a fifth of them there a quarter hour early,

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greeted him with welcoming enthusiasm.

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When Sarah came in and sat next to him,

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he excitedly recounted the talk he had with his boss.

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She smiled wide, congratulated him,

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and then offered a hug which the wolf, after a moment of sheepish doubt,

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accepted. The second week was easier

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and more familiar than the first.

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With friends to talk to and the sudden problem of where the two hundred dollar fine would come from solved,

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he felt much lighter.

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He happily gossiped along with the group,

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throwing anecdotes of his own life in to mesh with their stories and problems.

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A surge of pride bubbled a glowing warmth under his fur

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the first time Karen, the hyena,

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nodded and said that what he'd suggested sounded like good advice.

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The drudging banality of daily life began to quicken

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as Randall found his mind always occupied with the stories he was going to tell his new friends

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and the look on Sarah's stubby, speckled muzzle when he chose to speak up.

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After a month, he realized that he wasn't

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even conscientious about where to sit on the train anymore.

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As spring blossomed into summer,

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Randall felt like he was a new wolf.

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When he walked into the coffee shop, early as usual,

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the women were all sitting around downstairs.

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His first instinct was dread.

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It wasn't normal for everyone to show up as early as him,

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and certainly not for them to wait down on the first floor.

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He was about to ask if something was wrong when Laura,

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a tomboyish bobcat,

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noticed him. "Hey, Randall's here!"

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Sarah hopped right out of her seat and everyone else followed more leisurely.

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"Randall!" she exclaimed. "You're here!

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Hey, so I was thinking that we'd do something different today.

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I was talking with the girls and we decided to,

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well, I don't want to ruin the surprise.

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Come on, follow me!"

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She led the group several blocks to the east

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where the city bustled with more commercial blocks.

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Instead of the homogeneous office buildings

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and the coffee shops and sandwich shops crowding first floors,

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neon signs hung glowing off the edges of massive malls and shopping centers,

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advertising everything from groceries to hobby shops to craft stores.

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It had been years since Randall last scraped up a valid reason to surround himself with the

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roiling sea of after-work shoppers perusing the extravagant displays on the stores

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wealthy enough to afford a space on the ground floor.

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He used to find it oppressive with the musks of every species imaginable,

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foreign and local, fighting with the foul stench of sun on pavement for control of his nostrils.

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But it wasn't as bad when he could laugh with his friends about how terribly gaudy the dresses in the windows were.

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Karen said that the more she walked through there, the more she was sure that they were marketing to lottery winning hookers.

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A scowl from the arctic fox corrected her to 'working girls.'

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They ended up on a backstreet several corners down from the main throughway.

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Sarah stopped and gestured down a flight of stairs leading into the basement of a squat building,

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half the size of the gigantic shopping centers they'd been looking at before.

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The sign above glowed "53rd street Karaoke" in fluorescent ruby letters. "Karaoke?" Randall asked, confused. "Don't knock it 'till you try it," she said

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with

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her usual confidence.

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Sarah paid the receptionist for two hours in a large enough room to fit the entire club.

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Randall protested

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when he saw how fat the bill was,

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but the deer just shushed him

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and said that this was what club dues were for.

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The room was long and thin with no more space than was necessary

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to fit the cushioned

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wall mounted seating

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and the table that was just wide enough to be slightly uncomfortable for everyone, thick or thin.

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Randall ended up along the back wall, smushed between Sarah and Karen.

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"So, who's gonna start?"

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Randall said with a nervous chuckle after everyone was seated.

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They knew him well enough to know he wouldn't want to,

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but his nerves suggest they'd volunteer him anyway.

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Much to his relief,

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Sarah said, "I will.

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will." However, she didn't grab for the little tablet-like console that controlled the karaoke machine.

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Instead, the doe's muzzle pointed up at the ceiling

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and she cried

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out "Awoooo!" Her shout didn't sound like a real howl.

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It didn't have the right pitch or the same piercing edge as a canine's.

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However, Randall understood.

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The doe's paw slid over his

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and squeezed as her faux howl hung in the stuffy air of the small room.

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His stomach twisted

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and his throat clenched.

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Tears threatened the wolf's eyes making him blink furiously,

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trying and failing to fight them back.

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He buried his muzzle in his arms.

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Karen reached around him to rustle Sarah's shoulder.

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The room fell back into silence.

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"Hey, are you okay?"

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Sarah asked after a hesitant pause.

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"Yeah," Randall choked back.

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No one said anything for the next minute,

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so he forced himself to continue.

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"Thank you so much.

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You - you all have no idea how much this means to me." He trembled.

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His stomach turned on itself,

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and pressure tightened his chest and lungs.

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For a moment, he wondered if he was going to throw up,

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praying that he wouldn't embarrass himself that badly.

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However, after a moment,

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he realized what his body wanted from him.

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As he raised his head from his paws,

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the women in the room looked at him with a mix of

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expectation and unease.

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He tilted his muzzle towards the ceiling,

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and released the clear sharp note of his howl.

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One by one, the women of the crochet club,

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none of them even canine,

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joined in on the chorus.

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The floodgates behind the wolf's eyes couldn't be stopped up.

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Amid the playful shouts and encouraging cries of "Awoo!

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Awoooo!" the crisp song of the wolf echoed in the small, soundproof karaoke room.

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None of his new friends understood the language of the howl.

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They couldn't comprehend how the subtleties of the shifts in his pitch

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wove his story of discovery and acceptance.

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However, they understood the expression on his face as he sang out to the moon that he couldn't see through brick and plaster.

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They knew the meaning behind the tears that matted the fur under his eyes.

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As his song faded back to nothingness,

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Sarah's soft hand pulled his muzzle back down to her level

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and the lips of the Yuna to his Yule

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locked passionately with his own. <<<<>>>>

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This was “Lone” by SignificantOtter,

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read for you by Khaki,

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your faithful fireside companion.

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Thank you for listening to The Voice of Dog