“At The Inn—Whitewash” by Metassus

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You’re listening to The Voice of Dog.

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I’m Khaki, your faithful fireside companion,

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and today’s story is

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“At The Inn—Whitewash”

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by friend-of-the-fireplace Metassus,

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featuring the adventures of Brontes,

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a gruff minotaur who previously appeared in the story

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“At The Inn”, also featured on The Voice of Dog.

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Based in the wild west of Ireland,

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Metassus started writing some time back as part of the

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"Thursday Prompt" group

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on Fur Affinity. His work has appeared in the Anthrocon magazine,

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in Fang Vol. 4,

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and occasionally on his printer by mistake.

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He is particularly keen on word-limited micro-fiction,

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calling them "365 Word Tales". At some point he'll have 365 of them and consider his work on earth done.

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You can read his writings

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and view his photography on furaffinity.net,

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or on metassus.com.

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“At The Inn

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—Whitewash” by Metassus

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Another day, another drama.

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My head is still spinning after the events of yesterday,

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even after a half-dozen hot toddies, a good night's sleep and a full breakfast.

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Let me tell you what happened.

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It was a delightful early spring day,

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and I was taking my constitutional through the village with,

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of course, a plan for a quick detour to the common room at the Inn.

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Well, I'm hardly going to pass by without taking something warm to fortify my blood, am I?

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Boris had had the Inn whitewashed over the weekend.

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He's the landlord, by the way,

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and he's a pretty tough old polar bear.

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No-one messes with Boris.

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Because he had caused trouble so often, Brontes had been told to do the actual work in payment for the latest damage he caused.

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(I believe it was a wooden chair whose leg was not even,

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and the minotaur helpfully tried to repair the imbalance with his axe.

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The chair ended up about four inches tall.)

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I did, for my part, warn Boris that this might not be a particularly inspired idea,

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but Boris had one of his familiar manic looks on his face and I thought it prudent

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not to labour the point too much.

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Anyway, he assured me that whitewash was easy to remove from window glass, so what damage could the bull do?

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What damage indeed.

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I walked around the outside before I went in

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and checked the workmanship.

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I consider it my duty, don't you know;

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I mean, I can hardly compliment the fine work if I haven't inspected it fully.

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It wasn't half as bad as I had feared.

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There was puddles of dried paint on the ground and on the grass

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(I expected that) and there was splots

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of paint on the underside of the thatched roof

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(I expected that too).

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Most impressively,

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there was a decent layer of paint on the actual walls

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and only the occasional blot

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on the thick glass of the windows and doors.

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Out the back, a broken scaffold and a huge blotch of white paint in the yard was evidence of the only major boo-boo,

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but you couldn't see that from the front anyway.

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Boris must have been pleased.

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Brontes seemed to have done a reasonable job for once.

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Feeling pleased that my bovine friend had finally found his forté,

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I went in, hoping that the minotaur was inside having his lunch so I could congratulate him

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on a job well done.

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After I hung my coat on the hook that's always left for me,

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I pushed open the door of the common room

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and gave my usual greeting ('God

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bless all here, except the cat and the dog')

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and gaped over to the corner in complete

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and total amazement

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and astonishment.

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Brontes was there,

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in his usual place,

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a bowl of grain mash before him.

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He was pushing it around with his wooden spoon,

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his head propped up on the knuckles of one hand,

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and a very unpleasant scowly look on his wide face.

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I managed to run out the door before my guffaws burst from me

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(and as old as I am,

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running out through doorways is not a thing I believe I should do too often.)

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I gulped down air and tried to wipe the tears from my eyes,

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then—as brave as any of my illustrious vulpine forebears

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going into battle in the wars of long ago

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—I pushed open the door

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and walked up to the thundercloud, under which sat

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the bad-tempered bull.

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"Good day, Brontes,"

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I said, my lip quivering.

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Behind the bar, Boris stood wiping a glass and grinning

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mightily. I focused my attention on Brontes,

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as I knew eye contact with Boris would make me burst and break the spell of normality.

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I tried to hold control of myself

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by repeating ‘everything is fine’ over and over in my head.

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Everything was fine.

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Normal. Nice. Fine. "I– uh …

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I see you were painting?"

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He looked up at me with a mixture of resignation and sullenness.

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Behind the counter, Boris doubled over

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and snorted a series of laughs

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that would be more suited to a hyena than a polar bear.

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The edges of my mouth quivered upwards.

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I had to blink rapidly to clear my vision as my eyes were watering up from the effort of holding myself in.

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Brontes is a Tarbh.

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That's a kind of minotaur that comes from the far north.

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For clothing, he wears a loincloth and a big leather harness that holds his axe,

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and he doesn't give a fig about being out in bad weather.

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He's big and stocky and very powerful.

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His fur is quite unlike mine:

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he calls it his 'pelt'.

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We foxes have nice

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soft, plush fur, and I'm very proud of my brush.

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Brontes' pelt is more like hair than fur,

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being more wiry and short,

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except around his shoulders and the top of his head,

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where it's longer and somewhat curly.

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It's black too, jet black,

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like his 8-ball eyes and pointy horns.

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It's a darkness that usually

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gives him a brooding, malevolent presence ...

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usually. Except this time.

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His horns, his snout, his face, his chest, his arms, most of his harness, even some of his loincloth --

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it was all covered in whitewash.

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He looked like one million pigeons had dive-bombed him at random.

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Oh gods, he was a sight!

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I lost control and had to dash for the front door again,

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shouting that I forgot my umbrella.

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Outside, I fell down on my knees and laughed until I cried.

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Oh, dear gods! Now it became clear

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—the broken scaffold and the big area of white paint out back ...

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and I'll bet it doesn't come off so easily from his pelt.

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It took me a few minutes to get myself collected,

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and I managed to get a painful stitch in my side from my merriment.

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As I took a couple of deep breaths,

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I noticed a stranger with a map in his hands

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was looking down at me with a worried look on his face.

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I straightened up with difficulty, and smiled politely at the newcomer

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as he asked me if I was quite alright.

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"Believe me, I'm well, and thank you for your concern.

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How can I help you?"

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The stranger was an otter, with a flat cap on his head,

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some very bright slacks

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and a zippered jacket.

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The moment he opened his mouth

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I knew he was a lost tourist.

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"Say, buddy. I'm lookin' for the

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Historic Castle Remains.

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Remains." I swear I could hear him capitalise the words.

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"Ya wooden' know if they's hereabouts, would ya?"

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I grinned in as friendly a manner as I could muster and wiped the last tears from my eyes.

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Our ruined castle was our village's main attraction

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and occasionally brought tourists from all over the world.

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I noticed the otter had lovely newly-shined patent-leather shoes on his feet

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and thought about warning him about the muddy cart-track to the castle,

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but he'd find that out all by himself soon enough.

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I prefer hob-nailed boots myself.

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"Oh. Right," I said, pointing to the east of the square.

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"The castle is about five minutes walk up that laneway.

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There's a signpost at the stile you need to cross,

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and it's at the top of the clover field. You can't miss it."

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"Good on ya, buddy!"

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he replied enthusiastically as he looked in the opposite direction.

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It crossed my mind that someone from a distant land

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just might not know what a stile is, but as he didn't ask,

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I didn't expand on it.

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"Say, is this a Pub?"

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I nodded. Boris would love to hear his beloved Inn being described as a mere pub,

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but it's not my place to correct others

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all the time. The tourist looked delighted and pulled out his camera.

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"Say, buddy, can I get a photo of a native outside the Pub?"

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I had a vague vision of this guy and his fat otterish wife

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showing the photos of his trip to their fat polyester-clad friends

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in a huge pink and blue living room with a projector and a screen,

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like you see in the style magazines the ladies read in the hairdressers.

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(Now, don't look at me like that.

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The barber shop is right next door and they mix up the magazines sometimes.

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Ladies’ magazines are terrifying.

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It's all about murders and spousal abuse

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and how to make delicious meals from offal.)

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He'd press the button

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and the motes in the room would be lit by an image of our fine Inn.

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I'd be there, all red and grey fur, with my crooked-fanged smile,

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the pipe hanging from my lips,

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and he'd announce that this was one of the natives and wow

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don't they sure look awesome

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and so old and not like us and my grandpappy would'a looked like him if'n he wuz a fox and not a

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ottur ... … oh boy. I stood and let the otter make a couple of Kodachromes of me, standing outside the freshly whitewashed Inn,

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posing like I was to be on the front cover of the National Geographic.

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Then, without so much as a thank you (or a coin or two for my time),

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he bounced into the porch

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and through to the common room.

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Tourists. “Can't live with them,”

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as the old saying goes,

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“can't bury them in the bog.”

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Well, factually, you can

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but our local sergeant doesn't like the extra paperwork, so it's frowned-upon.

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(I jest. We love our tourists. Do come visit.)

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I lit my pipe and took a long draw.

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I don't smoke much

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and I don't really like it, but the scent of the tobacco reminds me of my grandfather and brings back fond memories.

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A hot toddy would bring back even more, I realised,

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as I knocked the contents of the pipe bowl against the heel of my boot.

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Hitching up my pants,

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I headed once more into the common room,

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bracing myself not to laugh at Brontes' new look.

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The atmosphere inside the common room

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had soured. Boris was standing by the bar hatch,

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looking concerned,

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the others that had been there

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had made themselves scarce and disappeared out to the outside toilets

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(or I assumed so, as they hadn't passed me by)

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and it took no effort at all to realise what had to be the cause.

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A hint. He's always the cause.

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The tourist was rabbiting out about how cute Brontes looked,

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how unique he was, how few minotaurs are

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'back home', and how rare a 'speckled bull' is back in his state.

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At one point he even said our favourite bovine looked like a panda

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and I then took a subconscious step backwards.

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The otter clicked away on his camera almost as fast as his words flew from his lips.

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Blissfully unaware of the volcanic eruption rumbling to life before him,

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he pulled the table and his lunch bowl away from the tarbh

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and spilled some of his meal onto the floor.

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"Say, can you stand up, bull? I can't see the rest of ya!"

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Brontes gave that familiar look that translates roughly as

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"Lo, I shalt fetch my sacred weapon of war, then verily shall I smite thee many times

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until thou art deceased

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and join with thy God.

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God." (So I can quote from the Good Books.

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I can do many interesting things despite my advanced years

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—like judging when to run away.)

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Boris reached under the counter and slowly pulled out his baseball bat.

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Peculiar that. Here we had an otter goading a minotaur from Tauria, while a polar bear that wouldn't know a baseball if he ate one

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was about to grab a bit of equipment that only the tourist

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would recognise for what it really was.

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My head began to swim. "Mister Otter!

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You want to go to the castle!

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Go now!" I hissed, putting a hand on the tourist's shoulder.

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He shucked it off without looking at me and continued clicking his camera.

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"Nah, buddy! I wanna take pics of this spotty cow!

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Gee! I never noo yoo guys had cows here too!"

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Brontes pushed the table further

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and reached behind him for his axe,

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which he pulled from his harness with a very cold

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and deliberate stare.

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I backed away rapidly.

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This was not a look I felt any of my soft words could temper.

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The tarbh spoke,

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his voice chilling and as menacing as anything I have ever heard in my entire life.

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"Otter. I shall count to twenty.

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Then I shall come after you with this axe and I shall slaughter you slowly

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and drink your blood.

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One. Two. Three." The tourist's camera slowly moved down from his face

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and his jaw hung open.

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He blanched as he moved his shocked stare from Brontes' paint-spattered black and white horns,

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past his black and white snout, to his black and white paint-covered hands

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and his pristine,

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gleaming, viciously sharp silver axe. "...

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Eight. Nine." A heartbeat later,

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the otter screamed and ran for the doors.

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He crashed through them and they slammed shut behind him.

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His terror-filled roars echoed outside as he headed for his bus, screaming at his fellows to run away and hide. "...

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Nineteen. Twenty." Brontes hefted his weapon,

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straightened his loincloth,

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then stomped out past the doors

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and headed across the square.

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I was horrified, believing that the minotaur was going to do something awful

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and get into a level of trouble that was far worse than anything he had ever managed heretofore.

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I looked helplessly at Boris,

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hoping the polar bear would come up with something that would stave off the inevitable

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(such as whacking the bull over his thick skull with the baseball bat),

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but instead he was standing motionless at the bar

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with a slack-jawed expression of astonishment

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all over his white-furred face.

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"Boris! What's wrong with you!

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He's going to kill that tourist!

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You have to help me stop him!"

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"I can't," Boris replied, staring blankly at the still-swinging door.

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"I'm in shock." "What?

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That Brontes is going to kill someone?"

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"No, no. I don't believe what I just heard …

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he can count?!"This was

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“At The Inn—Whitewash”

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by Metassus, read for you by Khaki,

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your faithful fireside companion.

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For more stories you can find us wherever you get your podcasts, or on the web at thevoice.dog.

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Thank you for listening to The Voice of Dog