“At The Inn—Salted Beef” by Metassus

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You’re listening to The Voice of Dog.

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I’m Khaki, your faithful fireside companion,

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and today’s story is

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“At The Inn—Salted Beef” by Metassus.

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Based in the wild west of Ireland, Metassus started writing some time back as part of the

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"Thursday Prompt" group on Fur Affinity.

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His work has appeared in the Anthrocon magazine,

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in Fang Vol. 4, and occasionally on his printer by mistake.

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He is particularly keen on word-limited micro-fiction,

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calling them "365 Word Tales".

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At some point he'll have 365 of them

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and consider his work on earth done.

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You can read his writings and view his photography

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on furaffinity.net,

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or on metassus.com.

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“At The Inn

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—Salted Beef” by Metassus

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Boris, I must say, has never been the kindest of landlords,

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nor could the gruff polar bear ever be called 'genial'.

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Still, his ales are good,

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his inn is decent and it's open when you need it.

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That's important.

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For a fox like me, getting on in years, you really appreciate having somewhere to spend a sociable evening.

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Someplace warm–where you can tell a yarn, sing a song, sup a drink and have a laugh or two.

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Boris's Inn had a fire permanently blazing in the hearth,

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a new television–colour,

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no less, thanks to the insurance money when the last one was broken–and

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a motley crew of regulars,

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myself included.

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When mid-winter rolled around, snow and ice lay hard on the ground.

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Although it sounds poetic, it was nothing of the sort.

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Ice on the cobble-stoned street made walking treacherous for me, and I had to use my walking stick as a support.

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The bitter wind sucked the warmth out of me no matter how well wrapped up.

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I felt every one of my many years as I shuffled along into the gale,

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my face wrapped in my favourite scarf and my old battered cap stuffed down hard over my ears.

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I crossed the Green cautiously,

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headed for the comfort

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of my cosy berth

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beside Boris's hearth.

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As I climbed the steps at the entrance,

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thinking that a hot whiskey would chase the chills from my joints,

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I spotted the lumbering form of my friend

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Brontes stalking up the road from the barn in which he had taken lodgings.

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"Brontes! Are you not cold like that?"

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I called as he approached.

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He shook his head dismissively as he kindly held the front door open.

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While I peeled off my many layers and hung them on the special peg I considered all my own,

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the minotaur shook himself like a great big dog to dislodge the snow and water from his bare pelt,

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drenching me with the spray.

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He was a sight that would stir the blood.

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Barefoot, wearing nothing other than his leather loincloth

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and the black harness that held his silver axe on his back,

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it appeared that being almost naked in the freezing cold didn't knock a stir out of him.

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"I," said he as we pushed our way through the crowded common room,

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"do not feel cold like you do, old fox.

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In my homeland, far north of here, we have snow on the ground not just for six weeks as you do,

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but for a full six months.

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A chilly evening like this is

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nothing unusual." Boris stood behind the bar,

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polishing glasses with a snow-white cloth that matched his shirt,

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and his face. He gave Brontes an icy look as the minotaur ordered drinks for both of us;

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an unusual thing for him to do and most welcome, I can tell you.

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"You have money to pay for these, bull?"

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Boris growled, placing his glass carefully onto a pyramid of its sparkling brethren.

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He folded his cloth stiffly, folded his arms and looked directly into Brontes' face without blinking.

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I gave a little sigh.

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I really could do without the landlord's lack of trust in my big bovine friend,

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all the more so as I was really longing for a nice hot

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toddy, and could almost smell the cloves.

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Brontes, miffed, tugged the cord open on the small pouch that habitually hung from his waistband and opened it carefully,

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picking out four or five silver coins.

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He put them on his palm

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and held them out for the bear to see, giving a little snort:

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his way of saying

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"so there". Satisfied,

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Boris turned away without a word,

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filled a metal tankard with fresh water,

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then switched on the kettle for my hot toddy.

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Relief got the better of me, and I suddenly remembered a conversation I had with an old friend the previous day.

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In a too-loud voice I said "You know, Boris,

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we should really have a bit of a do here for the First Day of Spring this year."

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The gods only know why I had the misfortune to suggest this,

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how it–of all things!–came

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into my head right at this time,

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and quiet the conversation became in the common room just as I spoke.

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No sooner had the words had left my mouth, it seemed the entire bar was full of merry agreement for my idea.

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Boris's shoulders hunched–always

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a bad sign.

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He slowly turned from the measures and

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set my glass down with a heavy thud, sloshing the precious liquid gold onto the shiny counter.

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I put my ears down and pretended I was invisible,

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took a sip of my toddy and realised just how badly he had taken the suggestion.

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There was no brown sugar or cloves in my drink.

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It was just a measure of whiskey, drowned in hot water.

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Disappointed,

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and just a little hurt, I took my glass and retired to the far corner,

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where the minotaur was sitting, arms folded,

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glaring huffily around the room.

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I figured it might be safer there. "Can

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I join you, Brontes?"

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He nodded stiffly,

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so I sat down on the bench beside him.

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For a crowded room, there was a lack of people immediately around us–not

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all that unusual, as the

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warm leathery smell of wet bull is a bit of an acquired taste,

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and he had this awful habit of randomly challenging people he thought were staring at him ...

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yet no-one ever complained when he stared them down, for some reason.

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I imagine the ale-houses in his homeland are a riot on pay-days.

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Trying to make conversation, I looked down at his tankard and wrinkled my nose in a smile.

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"Are you sure you don't want something stronger than that,

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a big strapping minotaur like you?"

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He peered quizzically at me,

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then shrugged. "I do not drink alcohol,"

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he said simply, angling his head, horns framing his wide face.

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"Before you ask, it is not because I do not want to get intoxicated.

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I am not affected by beer or ...

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..." he leaned towards my glass and sniffed the vapours rising from my ruined hot toddy, "...

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or from spirits, like you do."

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Intrigued, and quietly hoping to keep out of the way of a polar bear whose happy drunken patrons were bombarding him with more and more outlandish party ideas,

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I quizzed my friend about his aversion to booze.

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His people, he explained,

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can drink any amount of liquor without feeling ill-effects.

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I thought to myself that this was a talent many of the burghers of our little town would appreciate,

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particularly on the Monday morning after a sporting Sunday.

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But Brontes and his kin don't even indulge their talent as drinkers.

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He went on to bemoan the waste of good grain

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'ruined' in the making of our favourite tipples.

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"So," I finally asked as I grew more and more annoyed at his smug expression of superiority,

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"you never have been drunk in your life?

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What a poor life it must be!"

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He was taken aback by my attitude and became defensive,

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like any red-blooded male.

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He peered imperiously down his snout and huffed with annoyance.

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"I have been intoxicated,"

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he confided quietly,

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"with salt." I laughed, despite my better judgement.

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"Salt? Yeah, right." Grumbling,

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he tugged his money pouch from the waistband of his loincloth,

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opened the knot of the binding and spilled the entire contents on the table.

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His five silver coins rolled around for a moment

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(proving that it was all the money he had),

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a small pair of primitive pliers joining them.

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He carefully pulled the one last item from the depths of the pouch -

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a smaller version of it,

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with a tiny drawstring.

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He opened it and held it out to me.

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"Salt," he said, "taste it.

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it." I dipped my little finger in cautiously, and placed a single grain on my tongue.

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It was indeed plain honest-to-goodness salt.

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"And -- eh -- this makes you drunk?"

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He nodded, seemingly pleased,

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with my interest in his kind.

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I pondered the concept of getting spaced on something as basic as this,

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"I see ... we just sprinkle it on our food to make it taste better."

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He explained it all to me then,

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rattling on and on about the country he came from, and how all the cattle–sorry,

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all the minotaurs, I mean–were

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given a small salt ration each month.

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Some (just like certain people who live around here, whose names I shall not mention)

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used it all in the first couple of days, leaving me with a bizarre vision in my mind's eye of a drunken herd

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(if that's the right collective noun for a bunch of minotaurs)

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staggering around town, singing songs and causing trouble.

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Suddenly I felt very relieved to live in a town far, far away from Tauria.

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Some others, he added, shared their salt with their comrades, and a smaller percentage

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sold their 'salary'

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for coin, and the most frugal of them saved it for months and years to use as a dowry.

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I wondered what they would do if their houses got flooded.

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It was all very peculiar,

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but as I thought a little more about it all,

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I realised that our money and notes were pretty much the same,

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except it didn't taste nice or get you tanked.

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Brontes carefully poured a few crystals into his palm

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and licked them up with his great big pink tongue.

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He leaned back, just as if he had downed a hot toddy–with

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cloves and brown sugar.

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I admit I envied his simple pleasure.

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Something entered my mind.

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"Brontes," I whispered, looking around,

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"I think it might be better if you didn't share your—erm

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—salt interest with too many people.

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people." He stared at me over the edge of his tankard, shooting me a look of perfect disdain

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with those solid black eyes of his.

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"I mean it," I said, trying to get the point across without riling him too much.

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"I'm sure that wouldn't be a big problem at home, where you don't have much of the stuff around, but it's different here.

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There's even salt shakers on the tables here when they serve food, for heaven's sake!

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I wouldn't like anyone to do something to you."

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The bull snorted and guffawed,

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then patted me on the top of my head as though I was a child. For a split

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-second I understood exactly why Boris felt like he did about the thick-skinned bovine,

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but I shook that unworthy thought from my head,

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pushed his arm away,

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and dropped the subject.

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After a pause, he broke the silence.

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"I do appreciate your thoughtfulness, friend Fox,"

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he muttered, his face solemn.

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"Forgive me if I dishonoured you by my reaction.

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The salt, you see ...

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..." I sighed and drained my glass,

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my thought of another one

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tempered by Boris bellowing at the patrons that continued to press him for a Spring Holiday party.

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I knew if I asked for a refill now, I'd probably get just a glass of hot water, without the glass.

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You know the way.

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Boris doesn't like anything to disturb his perfect little world.

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With little else to do, and my name no longer welcome,

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I decided to head home,

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leaving Brontes in his corner

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and Boris in a temper. oOo

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The following morning was bright and dry, but viciously cold.

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The storm had blown over leaving a light blue dawn,

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with a more than a hint of orange on the horizon.

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I've found that the older I get, the less sleep I seem to need.

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After a cup of coffee and a slice of toast and honey,

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I dressed myself warmly,

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grabbed my stick

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and headed out for my usual early morning walk around the village.

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The puddles were iced-over.

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Milk bottles outside front doors were frozen solid,

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the robins blunting their beaks as they chipped away at the tops.

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My breath made puffy clouds of steam

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and I felt alright once my legs unstiffened.

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Few people were up yet, but the occasional smoky column from random chimneys multiplied as the minutes went by.

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I could see all the mothers and fathers in my mind's eye:

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wiping sleep from the eyes of their children,

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stoking the stoves,

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frying rashers of bacon

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and plump sausages; and yet

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it felt like I had the town to myself.

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It was lovely—until I noticed puffy clouds of steam rising from the shallow ditch

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opposite the Inn. Wonderful.

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Only one person I knew could ever be lying in a ditch in this cold.

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Only one person could conceivably end up in a ditch in the first place.

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I hurried over to see what that one person was doing, and then I saw something that made me wish I was blind.

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Brontes, for who else could it possibly be,

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was lying on his belly in the ditch, his head cradled in his arms, sound asleep.

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His loincloth was tied between his horns like bunting.

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His money pouch was tied to the end of his tail

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and the teeny little salt pouch he had shown me

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was discarded and empty,

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sticking out of an icy puddle by my feet.

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The minotaur looked content,

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peaceful, happy, cold and exposed.

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I admit I did a face-palm, pulling my whiskers, wondering what in the name of all that's good and holy

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had got him into this position,

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and how I could help him out.

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I clambered gingerly into the ditch and looked at his happy, dopey face.

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He was snoring contentedly.

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"Brontes!" I hissed,

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"wake up!" He didn't even stir.

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I grabbed his shoulder and shook him.

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Not a motion. I won't get into the next ten things I did, but the eleventh involved whacking the idiot bull hard in the ribs with my walking stick, and all he did

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was roll over onto his back.

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If I hadn't already gone blind at the first view,

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I did so now. Let's

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get some things clear.

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I like Brontes. I like his manner, rude as it sometimes is.

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I like the way he carries himself.

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I like the way he never backs down,

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and I like that he is embarrassingly honest,

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decent and real. At the same time,

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there are moments when I can't stand him.

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He smells awful when he's wet.

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He never takes advice

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—ever. He acts like no-one I've ever known

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(and that is a bad thing).

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He has a penchant for destruction—intentional or otherwise

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—and he never lets common sense guide him

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when there's even the merest opportunity for chaos.

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In short, the minotaur is

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nothing but trouble.

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Still, there's something sad about him.

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He's helpless. He's lost in a world that is beyond him and,

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though he tries with bluster and muscle to make it fit his ways,

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he fails in each and every way to be a part of village life.

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He is like a bronze-age fox in a world filled with technology;

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an abacus among tally machines.

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He is everything we are not.

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In our village, everyone wears

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nicely tailored clothes.

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Not Brontes. We lean over our fences and chat amiably to our neighbours.

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He tries to slaughter them if they look sideways at him.

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We hold doors open for little old ladies.

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He tilts his head when they speak and runs away if they get too near.

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We call ourselves civilised.

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Brontes is wild,

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freakish, uncivil ...

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and so wrapped up in his idealised principles of honour that he doesn't know one end of his axe from the other.

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And speaking of his precious hatchet ...

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I couldn't wake him, and in his state of undress I wasn't sure if I wanted to do so.

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I climbed out of the ditch,

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headed over to the Inn, and hammered on the door.

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As I did so, I noticed the front window was covered with a sheet of plywood.

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A sinking feeling came over me,

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my ears flattened, and when Boris opened the door and looked down at me as if I was as welcome as a cockroach in his kitchen,

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I knew I was in trouble.

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"Good morning, Boris!" I said with false cheer.

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I got an angry grunt in reply.

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This was not good.

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I attempted to quiz him about the window.

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I genuinely would love to tell you that I pointed at the missing glass and asked him a question in a forthright and mature manner,

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as befitting one of my years and rich experiences.

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Sadly, no. I was scared of him now and my voice came out like a babbling child's. "Uh, er ... uh ...

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heh. Wh-what happened t-to the window?

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Boris? B-boris? The w

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-window?" I really didn't need to ask.

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It had to have everything to do with Sleeping Moouty in the ditch.

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Boris slammed the door in my face, then a voice from the ditch bellowed

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"SHURRUP WE'RE TRY'N SLEEP H'R"

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and faded off to a rattling snore.

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I pushed the door open, steeled my resolve,

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and followed Boris into the common room.

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My shocked gasp caught in my throat as I gaped around in amazement.

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I don't think my simple words could in any way do justice

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to the scene–the place was a shambles.

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Tables were battered and legless, chairs destroyed, cushions ripped,

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benches broken beyond repair.

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The mahogany bar counter, of which Boris had long been justifiably proud,

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was cracked right down the centre,

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and its glossy lustre smeared with the contents of the broken bottles that still littered the floor.

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The window, or should I say what was left of the window,

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had a large hole,

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depressingly minotaur-shaped.

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Boris leaned on the bar,

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a broken man, and spoke in a horribly twisted voice.

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"That–that–THING

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is never, EVER coming in here again!"

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He turned around, almost foaming at the mouth.

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His fur was on end,

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his eyes were wild and his teeth were bared.

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Landlords are a hardy bunch, able to withstand more or less any misfortune thrown in their direction,

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and they deal with difficulty each and every day.

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Drunks, bar fights, riots, grudges,

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copulating couples in the toilets; all of this and more

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are the wont of the barkeep.

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Boris, I had to assume,

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had finally met his match,

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but his match had horns.

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I picked my way across the debris to my usual stool and noted sadly

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that it would never be used by me, or any other, ever again.

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It took ten years to mould that stool into perfection.

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I sighed and Boris, who had dropped behind the counter,

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stood back up and snarled at me, as if he had realised I was still there.

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"Old fox," he spat as he pounded his big white fist on the scratched counter,

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"you started all this last night!"

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I stepped backwards

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and put up my paws,

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holding my walking stick between us.

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In his state, Boris could do almost anything.

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"YOU brought in that damn cow in the first place!

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YOU started all this talk about parties.

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And YOU told everyone about HIS problem

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with bloody SALT of all things!"

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This was a step too far.

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I pulled myself up to my full height

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(not all that much in comparison to an incandescently angry and seriously traumatised polar bear, but there you go)

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and stepped back within reach of his fists,

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glaring at him. I imagine the innate respect folks have for their elders was the only shield against

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Boris could have done to me, and I subconsciously milked it for all it was worth.

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"My dear Boris," I said,

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making my voice as reassuring as I could and hoping he didn't notice I was trembling,

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"I take issue with some of what you have said.

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I met Brontes, who I call a friend,

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out on the street

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as he was heading here.

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I did not ask or lead him to the

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Inn. I still have no idea

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of what happened,

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though I'm beginning to see what might have happened–"

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He opened his mouth to speak and I held up one paw to stop him. "No, let me finish.

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I accept full responsibility for the suggestion

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that we have a Spring celebration here.

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Before you came here to run the Inn, Matt had one each and every year, and the profits from it were

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good. You go ask him.

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him." Matt was the landlord until he retired. One of

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the finest tigers I ever knew,

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though I don't know all that many.

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"He'll confirm it.

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And it so happens, Boris,

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it was Matt who suggested it to me

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in this very room

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last Tuesday lunchtime, while you were away in town."

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I took a moment to gather my breath and was curiously satisfied that the polar bear didn't speak.

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He appeared to be stumped,

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as he respected Matt and often asked his advice.

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I only wish I had mentioned Matt's name the night before.

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"And as for the salt,"

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I continued while the going was good,

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"Brontes explained his—er

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—reaction to the stuff without realising that it might be better for some folk not to know about it.

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I told him right away that he shouldn't tell anyone,

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knowing this lot.

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lot." I paused again, gesturing around the empty room.

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A slick of sweat matted my forehead

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and a nice hot toddy would really be welcome about now, but though

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Boris seemed to be a little calmer,

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I doubt he would indulge me.

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"So... Please, Boris, what exactly happened after I left?"

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The tale was short and to the point.

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Being a landlord usually means that you are more a listener than a talker,

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and the big white bear was true to his profession.

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His language was coarse and blunt

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and the light skin inside my ears probably went as pink as a puppy's.

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I'll summarise it for you with some information I got afterwards, to fill you in.

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After I went home, someone started

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to salt Brontes' water

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—a little at first

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—then more and more,

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as the bull got more and more drunk.

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He got boisterous and went from

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bellowing from his corner to stomping around and poking people in the chest and accusing them of

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'dishonouring' him. Then he got himself into a blazing row with some lion from out of town,

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a big powerful type with a flash shiny sword.

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The locals abandoned ship,

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rightly assuming that a drunk minotaur with an axe and an unknown lion with a blade

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might have enough fun chopping bits off each other that they would

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leave the villagers out of the equation.

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Boris took out his baseball bat.

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Then things got from bad to worse.

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A cousin of the cougars that used to work here a while back,

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a sneaky little worm named Ross,

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ran down to The Ferrybank, the other pub at the other end of the village

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—a greasy, rough establishment with no electricity and no class

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—and announced there was a big fight at the Inn.

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Of course, the place emptied right away and the mob headed up the hill.

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By this time Boris had more or less managed to calm the lion,

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push Brontes into a corner

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and shut him up for a while

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(I haven't had any explanation at all how he managed this feat.)

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Everything would have been fine,

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except that Ross had done the magic for which his family are best known.

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The hoard burst in the main door, swooping on the lion,

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the salt-drunk bull and the landlord.

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By all accounts, the resulting barney was legendary,

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and the lion was the first to go through the window, followed by both halves of his cheap tin sword.

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Whatever you can say about the rapscallions of The Ferrybank, they will always defend their village from outsiders

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first, before going on to batter their own kin.

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Brontes rejoined the hoo-hah, and out of his skull on salt,

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pulled off his loincloth and tied it around his horns!

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Apparently, he then attempted to climb the glass shelves behind the bar,

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looking for the 'Pole Star'.

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He found it—one of the security cameras mounted on the ceiling,

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and ripped it from its mount in an effort to defend it to the last,

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even forgoing his axe in the effort.

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A Ferrybank wolf's attempt to steal the axe

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was thwarted when he got beaned by Boris's baseball bat.

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The Ferrybank crew, having reduced the noble common room to something approaching the standards of their own dive,

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smashed all the drinks bottles to give it that last touch of class

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and signed off by flinging Brontes out the window,

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where he landed on the unconscious lion,

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bellowed some more incoherent babble,

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staggered over to the ditch, then fell in and fell asleep,

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naked as the day he was born,

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in the freezing cold.

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Boris pulled the unconscious feline back into the wreck of the common room

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and tended him until he recovered and stormed off, probably

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embarrassed beyond belief.

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His tacky sword was left behind.

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The polar bear then

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boarded up the windows and locked the door, leaving Brontes where he was.

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Where he was! It suddenly hit me that he had been out all night and probably had some nasty frostbite.

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Not good. I ran from the room,

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out the front door, across the road and down into the ditch.

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I shouldn't have worried.

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He was still on his belly, head to one side,

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a contented smile on his face.

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He looked as though he was dreaming,

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and it appeared to be an arousing one.

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His left arm was pillowing his head, and his right was ...

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engaged in an activity.

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I shall not expand on it as there might be ladies reading this and it would not be right to bother them with 'man problems'.

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It was early in the morning, ladies,

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and after all he was a bull, so a little understanding of our weaknesses would be appreciated.

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So how does one awaken an eight-foot high minotaur with three horns? (Ahem.)

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I pulled his loincloth free of his head and threw it over his midriff,

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then roared as loud as I could into his ear.

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"STAND TO ATTENTION!"

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He got up so fast he knocked me over,

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and stood rigid, and somewhat dazedly,

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until he got his bearings and realised where he was.

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He looked left, then right,

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to the Inn, and then down at me.

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Without a word, he helped me to my feet,

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then picked up his loincloth and wrapped it around himself.

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I opened my mouth to talk to him,

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but he climbed out of the ditch and stomped down the road before I had the chance.

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I decided to go home.

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This was not looking like it would be a good day.

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Maybe not even a good week.

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And it was a full week before the Inn opened for business again.

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I hobbled in, complimented Boris on the quality of the restoration work, and sat in my usual place.

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I was genuinely touched

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to see that my old stool had been expertly repaired–how,

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I don't know. I had a little knowledge of carpentry and I thought the stool would never be right again.

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A hot toddy, complete with brown sugar and cloves,

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was placed before me.

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I handed over some coins and sipped it.

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Boris continued wiping glasses and didn't speak to me at all.

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I didn't push it.

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It was just good enough to get back inside.

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Just then, I noticed an odd little hatch on the back wall beside me.

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Two small doors, held closed with a hook-latch,

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had been cut into what was formerly a flat wall.

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I frowned as I tried to work out its point.

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I worked out where it led.

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The woodshed? Strange.

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Why would anyone make a hatch for firewood so high on a wall?

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I was just about to ask when someone on the other side hammered on the doors.

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Boris smirked as he reached over,

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unlatched the hook, and swung them open.

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A surly bovine face appeared at the hatch.

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Brontes didn't look at all pleased.

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"I want water," he said flatly,

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"and I want my axe.

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axe." Boris passed him in a tankard of tap water and shut the doors again,

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a satisfied smile on his face.

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He was so pleased with himself,

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and with the surprise on my face, no doubt, that he spoke to me at last.

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"Three problems solved, old fox.

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No bull in The Inn.

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Someone to split all of the wood in the woodshed with the blunt little hatchet that's out there,

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and a nice new decoration as a conversation piece!"

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I followed his pointing finger and

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gasped. Where the glass mirror behind the bar used to stand,

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there now hung a very familiar large silver axe,

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and a broken sword.

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"He'll only get it back after he cuts enough wood with the old hatchet

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to keep us going for the next year!"

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The sound of chopping wood and swearing from the other side of the hatch

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was only matched by Boris's manic laughing ...

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This was “At The Inn

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—Salted Beef” by Metassus,

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read for you by Khaki, your faithful fireside companion.

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For more stories you can find us wherever you get your podcasts,

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or on the web at thevoice.

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thevoice.dog. Thank you for listening

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to The Voice of Dog