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“At The Inn” by Metassus
Brontes, bad-tempered bull that he is, gets his comeuppance from a pair of cougars. Retaliation never works, and the poor minotaur ends up stuck fast in a way that is just not fair.
Today’s story is “At The Inn” by Metassus, whose sole claim to fame is his 365 Word Tales. This (sadly) is not one of them. You can find more of his wordsmithing and photography on Fur Affinity and - if he ever fixes the site - metassus.com.
Read for you by Khaki, your faithful fireside companion.
Transcript
You’re listening to The Voice of Dog.
Speaker:I’m Khaki, your faithful fireside companion,
Speaker:and today’s story is
Speaker:“At The Inn” by Metassus,
Speaker:whose sole claim to fame is his 365 Word Tales.
Speaker:This (sadly) is not one of them.
Speaker:You can find more of his wordsmithing and photography on Fur Affinity and -
Speaker:if he ever fixes the site -
Speaker:metassus.com. Please enjoy:
Speaker:“At The Inn” by Metassus
Speaker:Whatever about his predilection for chaos and destruction,
Speaker:his bad-temper, his surliness,
Speaker:his innate ability to take offence at the tiniest perceived slight,
Speaker:and his complete lack of humour,
Speaker:my friend Brontes Brontesson
Speaker:was particularly prized among the regulars in our village Inn for one thing —
Speaker:making a complete ass of himself.
Speaker:To sit quietly in a corner and mind his own business was beyond his ken.
Speaker:Brontes would always find an action or response that irked him
Speaker:and would then barrel off to do something completely disproportionate and hopelessly wrong.
Speaker:I've had to personally intervene several times to calm and soothe him
Speaker:before he did something truly stupid
Speaker:we would all regret.
Speaker:Needless to say, everyone in the Inn took full advantage of his
Speaker:'talent'. I have always loved that place.
Speaker:I've been a regular there since I was a cub,
Speaker:so many years ago.
Speaker:My dad dragged me along every day,
Speaker:even as I was too small to walk,
Speaker:probably as an excuse to get out of the house.
Speaker:I enjoyed the quiet darkness of the place,
Speaker:the gentle sound of slow friendly chat,
Speaker:the curious smells and the scent of pipe smoke in air.
Speaker:But listen to me waffle:
Speaker:I was supposed to be telling you about Brontes and I'm just rambling on about myself.
Speaker:My apologies. Therefore,
Speaker:allow me to share a classic example of how my friend, the big black pelted minotaur,
Speaker:behaved and how it all ended up.
Speaker:You have to go back a couple of years for this.
Speaker:I think he was only in town for six months or so at that point.
Speaker:It's true he is an exile.
Speaker:It seems something bad happened in Minotauria or wherever he comes from —
Speaker:he calls his tribe or his herd or whatever they have as a pack by the name 'Tarbh' (it rhymes with 'car rev') —
Speaker:and they booted him out.
Speaker:He confessed to me once that he would be executed if he ever went back.
Speaker:Not just asked to go away or shooed away again, but killed stone dead.
Speaker:Shocking. Despite my efforts,
Speaker:he's rarely told me much more than that.
Speaker:I'll eventually pry it out of him —
Speaker:you know me — and I'll be sure to share the tale thereafter over a hot toddy.
Speaker:Anyway, this particular day in early spring, with the birds shining and the sun singing as my grandfather used to say,
Speaker:my friend the Tarbh hulked
Speaker:his way into the bar and shared his usual menacing glare with us,
Speaker:like a farmer spreading manure on a field.
Speaker:He and I weren't as close back then as we are now, so I just
Speaker:sat on my stool and kept out of his way.
Speaker:I don't mix much with new arrivals in the Inn, you see.
Speaker:It's not being stand-offish, no.
Speaker:I honestly don't think it's worth the bother, with all the comings and goings, and you never know whether or not you have shared a tale with a returning stranger.
Speaker:When faces become familiar to me,
Speaker:as had his at this point,
Speaker:I'll chat with them and share tales.
Speaker:First impressions count too, of course.
Speaker:At first, I admit,
Speaker:I thought Mister Brontesson was a bit of a fool.
Speaker:The glare had the effect he intended:
Speaker:the talking and laughing dropped down a notch or two.
Speaker:Conversations broke off
Speaker:as all the heads in the room turned to look at him.
Speaker:He scowled dismissively as he stomped past the few people he knew,
Speaker:acting as though they were complete strangers —
Speaker:even though they greeted him by name.
Speaker:He can be pretty unpleasant that way.
Speaker:One or two strangers,
Speaker:unaware of his inflammable nature,
Speaker:chuckled and passed comments,
Speaker:but a single look from his dark, brooding horn-framed face was enough to shut them up.
Speaker:For my part, I thought that funny and puffed on my pipe to hide a smirk,
Speaker:contenting myself with waiting for
Speaker:whatever was going to happen to happen, if you know what I mean.
Speaker:The bull strode over to the bar and demanded his usual drink:
Speaker:a tankard of fresh water.
Speaker:I couldn't understand why he didn't go for beer or spirits.
Speaker:After all, you always hear tales of minotaurs,
Speaker:stories where they are surrounded by chaos and turmoil —
Speaker:pillaging a village, grabbing random wenches to drag back to their rough encampments,
Speaker:replete with kegs of plundered ale
Speaker:neatly tucked under their brawny arms.
Speaker:As romantic as this idea was in my mind's eye,
Speaker:this particular minotaur never, to the best of my knowledge, had anything other than water down his gullet.
Speaker:I never saw him with a random wench either, now I think of it.
Speaker:Tending bar that day were a pair of cougars from out of town.
Speaker:I didn't think much of them and often wondered why Boris the landlord had chosen them.
Speaker:Still, they did the work
Speaker:and had a developed a wary tolerance of Brontes.
Speaker:However, as time went on he became a nuisance of the highest degree.
Speaker:He broke things: accidentally, some of the time;
Speaker:purposefully, most of the time;
Speaker:he caused fights; he scared people;
Speaker:but mainly he drove business away from the Inn and into nearby bars and taverns that were not blessed with his custom.
Speaker:Yet who can argue with a creature of his obvious strength and pride,
Speaker:especially when he happens to also carry a plain,
Speaker:workman-like and lethally sharp axe … …
Speaker:or when one of his favourite sports was whittling tables.
Speaker:I don't lie — I saw it many a time.
Speaker:He'd pull his axe from the back of his harness,
Speaker:then check the edge
Speaker:as if he was concerned about its sharpness.
Speaker:Then he would set about happily knocking chunks off a heavy wooden table in the main bar
Speaker:until it was reduced to firewood.
Speaker:Of course, with no law saying you can't bring a weapon into the Inn, the staff weren't going to stick their necks out —
Speaker:excuse the pun — no matter what Boris told them.
Speaker:Naturally, Brontes never monstered a table when
Speaker:Boris was behind the bar.
Speaker:As for Boris, he is the landlord of the village inn
Speaker:and one really tough polar bear.
Speaker:He takes no stick from Mr. Brontesson and I believe he gets grudging respect from the Tarbh in return.
Speaker:On this particular day however,
Speaker:the bear had done an Elvis and left the building.
Speaker:The cougars were in control.
Speaker:Brontes sat himself at the bar.
Speaker:Some of the smaller folks there quickly moved away.
Speaker:He huffed and scowled as they found safer berths —
Speaker:mainly tables near the exits.
Speaker:The cougars were not happy, as it is a well-known fact that those at the bar
Speaker:drink more and drink faster
Speaker:than those sitting at tables,
Speaker:so they — the cougars, that is —
Speaker:gain more opportunities
Speaker:to pocket the odd coin that should rightly go into Boris's cash drawer.
Speaker:I could read those cats from the next county.
Speaker:I figured a reckoning was on the way,
Speaker:and more than likely it would be 'Cougars vs. Minotaur.'
Speaker:The Tarbh bellowed out for drink
Speaker:and the shifty-looking cougar snapped at him to quieten down.
Speaker:His helpful suggestion was followed by the loud thwomp of an axe blade bisecting the polished top of the oaken bar counter.
Speaker:The resulting silence was absolute until Brontes cleared his throat and,
Speaker:surprisingly politely,
Speaker:again asked for a drink.
Speaker:"I said, I want a tankard of water ...
Speaker:please." Funny that his quiet voice was even more menacing than his loud roar.
Speaker:Still, it had the desired effect on the cougars.
Speaker:The other one, the server, almost pissed himself in his haste to serve the bull.
Speaker:He filled a tankard from the tap,
Speaker:pushed it across the counter and watched nervously
Speaker:as Brontes grabbed it,
Speaker:delicately sipped at the water,
Speaker:nodded and passed a bronze coin to the server.
Speaker:The server looked helplessly at the shifty one and mouthed something like 'what do I do?', pointing at the coin.
Speaker:I was watching all this from the far side of the counter,
Speaker:and hid my laughter by noisily refilling my pipe.
Speaker:The Tarbh's stock of foreign coins caused annoyance and confusion everywhere he went in town.
Speaker:To the minotaur, this was the only legal tender,
Speaker:though they were worthless trinkets here.
Speaker:No-one ever had the guts to tell him.
Speaker:Maybe he knew and was taking full advantage, I don't know.
Speaker:I do know that I'm not going to be the one to ask.
Speaker:Shifty nodded sullenly before he went through the doorway leading into the kitchen and stock room.
Speaker:I could still see him from where I sat, but Brontes couldn't,
Speaker:which was just as well.
Speaker:Server, whiskers twitching nervously,
Speaker:moved closer to my end of the bar,
Speaker:away from the minotaur, and began to endlessly polish the same glass over and over.
Speaker:All the while, Brontes supped his water
Speaker:and thunked the tankard down after each draught.
Speaker:It suddenly struck me that the seating arrangements of those in the room told a lot about how people felt.
Speaker:There was a clear two yards distance between the bovine terror and everyone else.
Speaker:No-one spoke with him
Speaker:and no-one made eye contact.
Speaker:Somehow, I figured this hurt him.
Speaker:His horns, like his eyes, were pointed at the counter,
Speaker:his shoulders sloped,
Speaker:his scowling face was more morose than angry,
Speaker:and once or twice I caught him looking wistfully at one or two of the groups sitting and chatting at a table,
Speaker:as if he too wished he was sitting there with a gang of friends,
Speaker:having a good time.
Speaker:Then again, maybe I was anthropomorphising the beast.
Speaker:Just as I was certain of my brilliant deductions
Speaker:he hammered the tankard on the counter,
Speaker:denting the pewter surface and making Server jump in fright.
Speaker:"MOARRR!" Server literally flew to the empty tankard;
Speaker:Shifty stuck his head out the doorway
Speaker:and glared. His look was one of deepest malice
Speaker:as he slammed his galvanised mop bucket to the floor with temper.
Speaker:The water in the bucket sloshed out,
Speaker:making him snort with annoyance,
Speaker:a sound that was almost as worrying as the bull's.
Speaker:He pulled angrily at the mop
Speaker:and wiped up the spill.
Speaker:I swear I saw the idea enter Shifty's mind.
Speaker:As Server moved to the water tap,
Speaker:Shifty hissed at him to come to the doorway,
Speaker:looking around shiftily
Speaker:(now you know why I called him Shifty)
Speaker:as he did so. I leaned back, not wishing to draw attention to myself.
Speaker:It was just as well.
Speaker:Shifty both saw me and dismissed me from his mind in a heartbeat.
Speaker:After all, what harm can an old fox like me cause a fine young cougar like him?
Speaker:He would find out in due course.
Speaker:Anyway, he gave his colleague his instructions.
Speaker:Server's jaw dropped for an instant, before he smiled that evil little smile that felines do so well. Brontes glared at
Speaker:Server as he returned and,
Speaker:with a suspiciously wide smile,
Speaker:carefully placed a tankard on the counter.
Speaker:The bull took it in his big hand,
Speaker:looked it over carefully, sniffed
Speaker:and shook the ceiling with an ominous rumble.
Speaker:"This is not water.
Speaker:There is a smell."
Speaker:The cougar's smile slipped a notch as he flicked his eyes at his partner-in-crime, still hiding in the doorway.
Speaker:Shifty gestured at Server with his paw —
Speaker:go on, go on! Server swallowed hard,
Speaker:then leaned bravely forwards
Speaker:to whisper into the minotaur's black-furred ear.
Speaker:Conspiratorially, he lowered his voice,
Speaker:forcing the great beast to lean forwards in turn.
Speaker:"It — it's bitter lemon!"
Speaker:said Server. "Bitter lemon?"
Speaker:Brontes asked, a confused look on his face.
Speaker:"I have never heard of
Speaker:that. Are you certain it is not just water that smells wrong?"
Speaker:"No. No, it's water with a hint of fruit juice in it.
Speaker:It's good for you!
Speaker:A speciality of the house and —
Speaker:and the chef created it for you alone because we — uhhh — yeah, we appreciate your custom!"
Speaker:The minotaur sniffed at the tankard again
Speaker:as I nearly choked on my pipe, trying not to guffaw.
Speaker:Shifty shot me a look that would shave the fuzz from a peach …
Speaker:or the meat from my old bones.
Speaker:"Yeah," he continued,
Speaker:"the staff — uh — they really enjoy your visits here.
Speaker:I know the other customers certainly do!"
Speaker:A haphazard chorus of snorts, sighs
Speaker:and the occasional uncomfortable laugh sounded.
Speaker:Not one person in the bar would agree with the comment;
Speaker:equally, no-one was willing to put their skins in the way of the berserk bull at the bar.
Speaker:Brontes gave a sweeping look over everyones' deadpan faces before he turned back to the trembling cougar.
Speaker:"Then I am grateful,
Speaker:and in the debt of you and the chef,
Speaker:and recommend his warm grain mash to all and sundry,"
Speaker:he replied, raising the tankard in a half-salute.
Speaker:"Your good health."
Speaker:He downed half of the liquid in one swallow.
Speaker:Behind the door, Shifty was quietly rolling around in mirth,
Speaker:paw in his mouth, his prank an apparent success.
Speaker:I don't mind practical jokes and I don't mind good-natured ribbing,
Speaker:but what the cougars did was mean.
Speaker:The server, looking very pleased with himself, went into the kitchen,
Speaker:where he and Shifty roared their heads off,
Speaker:tears in their eyes.
Speaker:That annoyed me. Meanwhile, Brontes was downing the
Speaker:'bitter lemon' with occasional nods and
Speaker:mumbles of approval.
Speaker:I could hold myself back no longer.
Speaker:"Excuse me?" I said.
Speaker:Remember, we didn't know each other by name back then.
Speaker:He looked up. "What?"
Speaker:Oh, so brusque. "Brontes, is it?"
Speaker:I asked, conversationally.
Speaker:It pays to be polite to someone with a bad temper and a very large axe.
Speaker:He nodded, grunted
Speaker:and looked at me as if I was dirt.
Speaker:"My name is Brontes Brontesson,"
Speaker:he said formally,
Speaker:rolling the R in each word,
Speaker:"and you are...?" I sucked on the stem of my pipe and steeled myself.
Speaker:If I knew then what I know now, I might have just introduced myself and left it at that.
Speaker:Better still, I might have kept my stupid yap shut.
Speaker:"That's waste water in your tankard, there."
Speaker:"What." His voice was devoid of emotion
Speaker:and I was devoid of sense.
Speaker:I opened my muzzle again
Speaker:and shoved my back paws so far in that I could feel them tickling my tail.
Speaker:"Well," said I with a little laugh to ease the tension,
Speaker:"the cougars are playing a trick on you.
Speaker:That's not lemon.
Speaker:It's the waste water from the bucket they use to mop the kitchens.
Speaker:The lemon smell is from the cleaning detergents."
Speaker:I wasn't even sure if he knew of detergent.
Speaker:There were days I wondered if he had ever heard of soap,
Speaker:but that's another story.
Speaker:His entire pelt stood on end.
Speaker:People started to back away slowly.
Speaker:I started to recite a little prayer for the dead that my dear mother taught me,
Speaker:wondering if I was soon to follow her.
Speaker:With the brilliance that we vulpines display in times of stress,
Speaker:I continued to talk.
Speaker:"It's dirty water, Brontes.
Speaker:It was a funny jest,
Speaker:but don't think you should be drinking it. It's not
Speaker:really good for you."
Speaker:He stood up very,
Speaker:very slowly. The patrons of the Inn,
Speaker:no fools they, realised the dormant minotaur-shaped volcano was about to blow out its dome.
Speaker:He lifted the tankard and walked behind the bar —
Speaker:where no customer had ever set foot —
Speaker:and over to the kitchen door, where the light was stronger.
Speaker:He peered into the tankard
Speaker:and then flung it so hard it sailed out through the glass pane of the door,
Speaker:hitting the head of a young horse that lives down the road.
Speaker:A nosy character, it served him right, listening behind the door.
Speaker:I rose stiffly from my seat
Speaker:and went to where the bull stood,
Speaker:his chest heaving with barely suppressed anger.
Speaker:I could hear the cougars still laughing in the kitchen,
Speaker:so they were both unaware of what was happening
Speaker:(a bad mistake), didn't hear their own glass door break
Speaker:(a worse mistake) and were leaving Boris's bar unattended
Speaker:(impossible to rate how bad that was.)
Speaker:"Brontes? Brontes! It was merely a prank, my boy.
Speaker:Nothing serious. Come now, I will get you a better drink.
Speaker:drink." I did what I could to lighten the mood.
Speaker:"How about a nice pint of Stout.
Speaker:I'm sure you'll much prefer —"
Speaker:He stuck a huge hand out to hush me.
Speaker:I was hushed. "Friend,"
Speaker:he said in a growl so deep my chest vibrated,
Speaker:"I am in your debt
Speaker:and I thank you for your kindness."
Speaker:Before I could object,
Speaker:he pulled his axe from his back harness and padded silently across the floor.
Speaker:I moaned out another quick prayer. I think it was one for Hopeless Cases.
Speaker:The bull placed his broad hand on the kitchen door and shoved it so hard
Speaker:it came off its hinges.
Speaker:His axe swung and the door itself was reduced to splinters.
Speaker:The sound of cougar yowls
Speaker:and bovine bellowing replaced the more typical crackling of logs in the grate
Speaker:and the gentle hum of conversation.
Speaker:Was I scared? Terrified.
Speaker:I was fully convinced my loose tongue would be the cause of the cougars' deaths
Speaker:and I ran to the doorway.
Speaker:What I saw was not what I expected to see.
Speaker:It was quite the opposite.
Speaker:When Brontes stormed in and attempted to sever the server in twain with his lethal axe he caught the blade of the weapon
Speaker:in the ceiling-mounted frame that held some of the utensils.
Speaker:He tugged it down and took out half the roof.
Speaker:The bellow was from the stupid Bull getting prodded from falling knifes and forks.
Speaker:All the lights went off.
Speaker:The cougars then attacked —
Speaker:they pelted him with pots,
Speaker:pans, buckets, glasses,
Speaker:tankards and plates.
Speaker:Poor Brontes was down —
Speaker:but not out. He launched himself at the felines.
Speaker:They scattered in different directions and all three began a madcap race around the wet floor.
Speaker:What the Minotaur had in rage and power
Speaker:he lost in flexibility and speed.
Speaker:The cougars were your typical feline,
Speaker:far more lithe than the muscle-bound bull.
Speaker:They ran rings around him,
Speaker:all the while tossing everything that came to hand at him.
Speaker:A soup-strainer got impaled on one of his horns
Speaker:and somehow he had managed to stomp his right foot into the mop bucket,
Speaker:which clanged each time he put his foot down.
Speaker:I couldn't believe what I was seeing.
Speaker:The minotaur, Brontes Brontesson,
Speaker:Tarbh, exile and grump, was being roundly beaten by a combination of his own temper and two wily cougars.
Speaker:A few brave souls ventured into the bar
Speaker:and clustered at the door with me to watch the proceedings.
Speaker:The more they — actually, the more WE laughed —
Speaker:the angrier Brontes became and the more determined his stubborn chase became.
Speaker:I will spare you much more detail as it became more and more pathetic,
Speaker:especially when the cougars ran out of objects to throw and resorted to foodstuffs instead.
Speaker:After a quarter-hour of this, the cougars looked like professional acrobats and Brontes
Speaker:looked like a meringue …
Speaker:and he still wouldn't stop.
Speaker:Only the hoots of laughter and amusement from the rest of the audience,
Speaker:the huffing of his breath
Speaker:and the occasional 'hup-lah!' from the cougars was heard in the Inn.
Speaker:We could barely see from the tears of laughter in our eyes.
Speaker:All good things come to an end and it was a half-pound block of butter that ended Brontes' gallop.
Speaker:The cougars had progressed to the contents of the fridge,
Speaker:and that's where they got the ball of fat.
Speaker:Brontes, with the grace and elegance of a rock,
Speaker:stomped on the butter with his un-bucketed foot,
Speaker:and his feet flew into the air.
Speaker:He sailed majestically backwards and
Speaker:landed on a stool that had miraculously managed to remain upright.
Speaker:With almost cinematic inertia,
Speaker:the stool and Brontes, toppled backwards in a fine arc,
Speaker:until his head slammed into the wooden partition wall behind him.
Speaker:We all inhaled at the same time with a sucking of breath that rivalled a vacuum cleaner.
Speaker:And then, it all stopped.
Speaker:Was he hurt? Was he going to just get up and start again?
Speaker:He tried. He struggled and squirmed
Speaker:and realised what had happened.
Speaker:The unfortunate bull got his horns stuck in the wall!
Speaker:He couldn't get free!
Speaker:Worse, his back was arched and he was trapped,
Speaker:staring at the ceiling.
Speaker:The triumphant cougars did a victory lap around the kitchen
Speaker:to the applause of the onlookers,
Speaker:bar one. I had moved away
Speaker:as I saw what no-one else saw.
Speaker:Through the back window I spied the figure of a large polar bear ambling up to the back door of his inn.
Speaker:Boris was returning home from his day off.
Speaker:I didn't go back for a week.
Speaker:Well, all's well now.
Speaker:Brontes was forced to labour for Boris
Speaker:for an entire week as payment for all the damage he caused.
Speaker:The polar bear confiscated his axe and his money-pouch until the matter was settled.
Speaker:The bull has been much easier to talk with since,
Speaker:and particularly friendly to me for
Speaker:being 'honourable' to him, whatever that means.
Speaker:The Cougars lost their jobs because you should never prank a customer, no matter how awful they are,
Speaker:particularly if they are berserk.
Speaker:They don't know my role in their dismissal,
Speaker:and I hope they never find out.
Speaker:Boris hired in some wolves instead.
Speaker:They might be efficient and hard workers,
Speaker:but they don't have the same personalities,
Speaker:or that evil nasty streak.
Speaker:I miss that.This was
Speaker:“At The Inn” by Metassus,
Speaker:read for you by Khaki,
Speaker:your faithful fireside companion.
Speaker:Thank you for listening to The Voice of Dog
