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“Agent Friendzone” by Kyell Gold
Today's story is “Agent Friendzone” by Kyell Gold, who has won twelve Ursa Major awards and a Coyotl Award for his stories and novels, and his acclaimed novel "Out of Position" co-won the Rainbow Award for Best Gay Novel of 2009. He helped create RAWR, the first residential furry writing workshop, and has instructed at each of its sessions through 2019.
He lives in California and is currently staying home with his partners and dog. More information about Kyell and his books is available at www.kyellgold.com, and you can follow him on Twitter at @KyellGold.
Read for you by Khaki, your faithful fireside companion.
Transcript
You’re listening to The Voice of Dog.
Speaker:I’m Khaki, your faithful fireside companion,
Speaker:and today’s story is
Speaker:“Agent Friendzone” by Kyell Gold,
Speaker:who has won twelve Ursa Major awards and a Coyotl Award for his stories and novels,
Speaker:and his acclaimed novel "Out of Position" co-won the Rainbow Award for Best Gay Novel of 2009.
Speaker:He helped create
Speaker:RAWR, the first residential furry writing workshop, and has instructed at each of its sessions through 2019.
Speaker:He lives in California and is currently staying home with his partners and dog.
Speaker:More information about Kyell and his books
Speaker:is available at www.kyellgold.com,
Speaker:and you can follow him on Twitter
Speaker:at @KyellGold. Please enjoy:
Speaker:“Agent Friendzone”
Speaker:by Kyell Gold The Sett,
Speaker:a large basement tavern
Speaker:with loud music and a bar in the center room
Speaker:and table service in two quieter rooms,
Speaker:never got completely full on Thursday nights, but even a modest crowd overwhelmed the antiquated ventilation system,
Speaker:whose constant whine of protest scored the background of every conversation.
Speaker:Kirk liked the miasma of scents,
Speaker:the feeling of being lost in a crowd,
Speaker:but one of his three friends usually complained whenever he brought them here.
Speaker:Tonight, though, they hadn’t.
Speaker:Lonny’s nose twitched constantly, but the jaguar,
Speaker:sitting across the table next to Porta,
Speaker:was playing a musical demo he’d made for her
Speaker:and was intent on her reaction.
Speaker:Martin was usually quickest to complain about anything from scents to noise to the temperature of his fries,
Speaker:but tonight the cacomistle’s sensitive nose
Speaker:was for the moment buried in a fragrant strawberry daiquiri.
Speaker:Kirk sipped his own drink,
Speaker:waiting for Martin to answer the question he’d asked,
Speaker:but when he turned to repeat it,
Speaker:he only got as far as, ‘So what did you think—’ before he stopped.
Speaker:Martin’s gaze was not on Lonny, as Kirk had thought,
Speaker:but past him, at the dance floor
Speaker:and the bodies moving to the music there.
Speaker:A fox in a shimmering pink satin shirt paused at a bar table,
Speaker:his thick white-tipped tail waving just beyond the door frame,
Speaker:and Martin’s ears perked forward slightly.
Speaker:Oh no, Kirk thought,
Speaker:and searched for some way to distract the cacomistle,
Speaker:but he couldn’t think of anything before Martin nudged him. ‘What
Speaker:about that guy, the fox?’ ‘Let
Speaker:it go,’ Kirk snapped,
Speaker:and then felt bad about snapping,
Speaker:so he turned to Lonny and Porta.
Speaker:The otter had taken the headset off of her ears. ‘What’d
Speaker:you think, Porta?’
Speaker:the badger asked, louder than strictly necessary. ‘I
Speaker:thought it was great, Lonny.
Speaker:I love the bass line and you’re bringing in some amazing stuff.
Speaker:You gonna play it at the club?’ ‘I
Speaker:just thought he looked like your type,’
Speaker:Martin muttered, lapping up his daiquiri with a reddened tongue as his ears flattened. ‘Gonna
Speaker:run it by them, see what they say.
Speaker:Thanks, dude.’ Lonny reached out a yellow-furred paw toward Martin
Speaker:and tapped the table. ‘And
Speaker:you. Better watch out or the badger here will bite your ear off.
Speaker:The guy’s only been single for a month.’
Speaker:Martin eyed the jaguar balefully. ‘Two
Speaker:weeks.’ ‘Whatever, he’s still in the mourning period.’
Speaker:Lonny turned to Porta. ‘How
Speaker:long’s that supposed to be?’
Speaker:The small otter shook her head. ‘Don’t
Speaker:ask me. My mourning period is as long as it takes me to put on a tight outfit and get my ass to a club.
Speaker:You gay boys got your own rules, I got no idea how it works.
Speaker:You, I get.’ She patted the jaguar’s shoulder. ‘Thanks,
Speaker:I like being reduced to “that guy who doesn’t have relationships.”’ ‘The
Speaker:thing is,’ Martin said to Kirk. ‘You
Speaker:can’t just come here and not at least look at other guys.’ ‘Looking,
Speaker:sure. I don’t need them pointed out to me.’
Speaker:Porta leaned back, tipping her chair and using her thick tail for balance. ‘If
Speaker:you guys want to go cruise, you can.
Speaker:Lonny and I will still be here when you get shot down.’ ‘Ha
Speaker:ha.’ Kirk flicked his ears back to the side
Speaker:and stared back into the dance room.
Speaker:The fox was gone,
Speaker:disappeared back into the cluster of moving bodies.
Speaker:He felt no compulsion to go join them.
Speaker:Van had dragged him to dance a few times, even when Kirk had said that he preferred to sit home and watch a movie,
Speaker:which was true in the specific case of evenings spent with Van,
Speaker:if not generally in his life. ‘No
Speaker:judgment.’ Porta grinned. ‘I
Speaker:ditched you guys a bunch of times when Kalvin dumped me.
Speaker:Some stuff you gotta work out of your system.’
Speaker:The scrutiny did nothing to decrease the warmth in Kirk’s ears.
Speaker:He turned his black-and-white muzzle fully to stare down the cacomistle, who ducked his head. ‘I
Speaker:know usually when I get out of a relationship, I’m mopey, but honestly it’s such a relief to be done with Van that I feel
Speaker:light. I mean, that guy was—’ ‘Stifling.
Speaker:‘Stifling.’ ‘Velcro.’ The badger lay his ears back, then relaxed and laughed. ‘You
Speaker:guys are tired of hearing about it, I know.’ ‘It’s
Speaker:cool,’ Lonny said. ‘We’ve all been there.’ ‘But
Speaker:it has been almost a month,’
Speaker:Porta added. ‘It’s, like, part of the past.’
Speaker:Martin lifted his head long enough to say, ‘Two
Speaker:weeks.’ ‘See,’ Kirk said, spreading his large paws, ‘that
Speaker:would make sense if I were hung up, or something, but—’
Speaker:He turned back to Martin, intending to go on,
Speaker:but over Martin’s shoulder he caught sight of a pair of large ears pointed in his direction
Speaker:from a few tables away.
Speaker:Of course, there could have been any number of fennec foxes in The Sett,
Speaker:but how many of them would have a cluster of pride rings in one ear, or own a lime green patterned Taro Zelmani shirt?
Speaker:Kirk leaned back to get a better look,
Speaker:and sure enough, it was Van,
Speaker:pretending to study his menu with his ears positioned to listen to everything Kirk was saying. ‘But
Speaker:clearly you’re fine and maybe we should talk about the Galahads’ new album.’
Speaker:Porta shook her head. ‘Mia
Speaker:turned me on to them last week.
Speaker:Lonny, you’d like it.
Speaker:There’s one track I think you could sample.’
Speaker:His ex was spying on them,
Speaker:and Kirk couldn’t say anything about it because Van would hear everything he said,
Speaker:and if he said what he wanted to, something like, ‘Hey, my creepy ex is spying on us,’
Speaker:Van would know that he’d seen him
Speaker:and then he might come over and confront him and then there’d be a scene, or at least an argument,
Speaker:and telling Martin to ‘let it go’ twice had filled up Kirk’s minimal tolerance
Speaker:for arguments and scenes. ‘You
Speaker:did actually break up with him, right?’
Speaker:Lonny leaned forward. ‘I
Speaker:didn’t want to ask, but before we move on to alt-punk…’
Speaker:‘New punk.’ Porta rolled her eyes. ‘Alt
Speaker:-punk sucks.’ ‘Yes.’
Speaker:Kirk kept his voice low,
Speaker:aware of the large fennec ears just a few tables away. ‘Like,
Speaker:you said the words—’ ‘So.
Speaker:‘So.’ The badger turned to Porta. ‘The Galahads, huh?’
Speaker:Lonny gave him a look,
Speaker:but Kirk ignored it.
Speaker:He navigated the rest of the conversation without further reference to the ex-boyfriend sitting nearby,
Speaker:keeping his voice low so that Van wouldn’t overhear anything even as personal as what album he was currently listening to.
Speaker:If the fennec found that out, chances were one of the song titles would end up as an email subject or text message or something.
Speaker:It wasn’t a bad evening out, all in all,
Speaker:but Kirk couldn’t enjoy it properly.
Speaker:Even though he looked away from Van and spoke quietly,
Speaker:the fennec’s presence weighed on him
Speaker:and he couldn’t tell any of his friends about it.
Speaker:For one thing, Van would overhear.
Speaker:For another, he suspected that one of them was responsible. *** ‘You
Speaker:think one of our friends is telling Van where you’re all getting together?’
Speaker:The polar bear filled up the small Skype window,
Speaker:blocking out most of the bamboo scrolls hanging on the wall behind her. ‘Don’t
Speaker:you go to The Sett all the time?’ ‘Not
Speaker:all the time.
Speaker:And two days before that it was at the freaking mall, for crying out loud.’
Speaker:Kirk stared out into the darkness beyond his bedroom window.
Speaker:Could Van be out there watching him now?
Speaker:Was he that much of a stalker? ‘Wait.
Speaker:You guys went to the mall? The Chester Mall?
Speaker:Was this a high school nostalgia trip?’
Speaker:Kirk scowled. ‘C&R were having a sale and Lonny wanted to get me some new shirts.’ ‘Is
Speaker:that one of them?’
Speaker:He pulled at the collar of his blue paisley Zelmani
Speaker:and glanced again at the window. ‘Mia,
Speaker:be serious.’ ‘I am.
Speaker:If it is, then you should let him get you more shirts.’ ‘The
Speaker:point is, Van has shown up three times in the two weeks since we broke up and I’m not talking about the places we’re going on Twitter or anything, so how is he finding out?’ ‘You
Speaker:check everyone else’s accounts?’ ‘Yeah.
Speaker:Lonny posted a shirt picture but not where it was from, and anyway that was like five minutes before I saw Van. He couldn’t
Speaker:have gotten to the mall that quickly.’
Speaker:Mia shook her head, smiling. ‘All
Speaker:right, look, I gotta go get breakfast here in a minute.
Speaker:What are you going to do about it?
Speaker:You can’t just stop hanging out with everyone.
Speaker:Who don’t you trust?’ ‘That’s
Speaker:the thing.’
Speaker:Kirk rested his head against his paw,
Speaker:his blunt claws pressing into his temple. ‘Couple
Speaker:weeks ago I would’ve said I trusted them all.
Speaker:But I can’t figure out any other way that Van knows where we are.’
Speaker:Mia shook her head. ‘Maybe
Speaker:it’s coincidence.
Speaker:Maybe he’s going out to a bunch of places all the time
Speaker:and he happened to run into you a few times.’ ‘No.
Speaker:‘No.’ Kirk straightened. ‘No.
Speaker:Once is happenstance, twice is coincidence.
Speaker:Three times is enemy action.’
Speaker:The polar bear snorted, a concussive sound that popped the microphone. ‘You
Speaker:read too many spy books. You’re reading into it.’ ‘Then
Speaker:how’s he doing it?
Speaker:It’s got to be one of them’
Speaker:Mia leaned in close enough that he could see her black nose glistening. ‘Maybe
Speaker:you should tell them that the group is getting together somewhere in the next day or two,
Speaker:but tell everyone a different place.
Speaker:Wherever Van shows up,
Speaker:that’s the person you want.’
Speaker:The badger stared at the screen. ‘That’s
Speaker:right out of John Le Carre.
Speaker:How come I didn’t think of that?’ ‘Because
Speaker:it’s night and you’re tired and you’re angry,
Speaker:and plus I’m studying historical court politics and if you think your ex-boyfriend spying on you is bad,
Speaker:let me tell you, the emperors of the Edo period would have laughed at you.’ ‘I
Speaker:won’t tell them, then.’
Speaker:Kirk stared at the screen,
Speaker:already forming a plan in his head. ‘That’s
Speaker:brilliant. I’ll figure it out that way.’
Speaker:Mia shook her head. ‘Also
Speaker:I was being sarcastic.
Speaker:Oh my God, Kirk, people don’t do this kind of spy stuff in real life
Speaker:to their friends.
Speaker:Nut up and ask them if any of them is talking to Van and why.’ ‘They’d
Speaker:never admit it.’
Speaker:His ears folded back. ‘Then
Speaker:talk to Van.
Speaker:Tell him to stop coming around. Kirk,
Speaker:I know you hate to hurt people’s feelings,
Speaker:but don’t you think it’s hurting him more—’ ‘Go
Speaker:get breakfast,’ he said. ‘Thanks
Speaker:for the advice.’
Speaker:He was already clicking on the red ‘Hang Up’ button as Mia said, ‘It
Speaker:wasn’t—’ *** Lonny was his top suspect because the mall had been the most unusual place for Van to turn up
Speaker:and it had been the jaguar’s idea.
Speaker:They already had a weekly Wednesday night dinner,
Speaker:and this week it was set for Red Hook Pizza,
Speaker:but Kirk could adapt to that;
Speaker:he’d just reverse his plan.
Speaker:So he called Lonny an hour or so before the pizza and said he might not be able to make it.
Speaker:Lonny wasn’t likely to call either of the others or text them just to say that Kirk was buried in work,
Speaker:but if he were the spy, he’d for sure tell Van not to bother showing up this time.
Speaker:And half an hour into their meal,
Speaker:Kirk looked up and noticed the fennec sitting at the bar in the back of the room.
Speaker:He must have come in the back door,
Speaker:and he was trying to make himself inconspicuous,
Speaker:but big-eared species were really bad at that unless they folded their ears down,
Speaker:which a fennec trying to listen to a conversation halfway across the room
Speaker:wouldn’t ever do.
Speaker:Mia’s advice came back to him
Speaker:—why not just go over and confront Van?
Speaker:—but as Kirk pictured doing that in his mind, he kept seeing Van’s eyes bright with hurt like they were every time Kirk hadn’t wanted to do something the fennec did.
Speaker:He knew the flattening of the fennec’s ears, the sagging of his whiskers,
Speaker:the guilt that wormed its way into Kirk’s heart because he was letting someone else down.
Speaker:Even if he knew intellectually that it wasn’t that big a deal,
Speaker:that Van was overreacting to his comment,
Speaker:he couldn’t chase away the feeling that somehow it was still his fault for not being accommodating, or for
Speaker:expressing himself poorly, or something.
Speaker:So he hunched over,
Speaker:turned his body away from his stalker,
Speaker:and made sure to keep the conversation to subjects he didn’t mind being overheard.
Speaker:The longer he sat,
Speaker:the more he felt Van’s scrutiny like a heat lamp,
Speaker:until he grabbed the check when it came
Speaker:and tossed his card onto it, not wanting to sit through a round of
Speaker:‘how are we going to split this up?’
Speaker:Nobody said anything except ‘Thanks’;
Speaker:each of them sometimes picked up the tab for any number of reasons.
Speaker:And Kirk, already in his head moving on to the next plan,
Speaker:said casually as they walked out the door and out of Van’s hearing, ‘I
Speaker:want to try this new bar over in the West Side.
Speaker:Friday night?’ Porta said, ‘Sure.
Speaker:Good cocktails?’ ‘Good beer selection.’ ‘What’s it
Speaker:called?’ Lonny asked. ‘Ah…
Speaker:you know, I forget. Let me check.’
Speaker:He took out his phone and pretended to look things up for a minute. ‘Can’t
Speaker:find it. I’ll text you guys the address.
Speaker:address.’ ‘Cool. Hey, there’s my Lyft.’
Speaker:Porta waved to them and hurried to the curb, where a black sedan had just pulled up. ‘See
Speaker:you guys then.’
Speaker:Lonny headed down the street to the bike rack where he’d left his bike. ‘So,’
Speaker:Martin asked, pulling his tail into his paws like he did when he was thinking about something, ‘this
Speaker:a gay bar?’ ‘Just a bar.’ ‘Oh.
Speaker:‘Oh.’ If Martin started trying to hook him up with someone again… .
Speaker:Kirk fantasized about walking out on one of their gatherings,
Speaker:knowing he wouldn’t ever do something that dramatic. ‘I’m
Speaker:really looking forward to seeing it with just the three of you, though.’ ‘Sure,’
Speaker:Martin said, and cleared his throat. ‘Yeah,
Speaker:that sounds fun.’
Speaker:Spies always trusted their instinct,
Speaker:and Kirk’s was telling him that Martin was the one who was telling Van where to find them,
Speaker:but he could not for the life of him imagine why.
Speaker:Martin had bent a sympathetic ear when Kirk complained that Van needed someone who could discuss boundaries with him,
Speaker:and that Kirk needed someone who didn’t have to have that discussion started for him.
Speaker:So why would the cacomistle be responsible for what Kirk could only assume was a clumsy attempt to get him and Van back together?
Speaker:Like, if he noticed Van he’d eventually go over there and talk to him?
Speaker:Was that what they were waiting for, the two of them?
Speaker:That was the only explanation he could find that was remotely plausible, and maybe, just maybe,
Speaker:Van had convinced Martin that Kirk had broken up with him prematurely
Speaker:and Martin had been sympathetic enough to help the fennec with a second chance.
Speaker:That seemed like something the big-hearted cacomistle might plausibly do.
Speaker:Thursday, Kirk sent Martin the address of a newly-opened bar
Speaker:and then sent Lonny and Porta the address of a nearby bar
Speaker:they’d never been to,
Speaker:setting the same time for getting together.
Speaker:If they talked to each other, he hoped they wouldn’t get too specific.
Speaker:Hope, he found over the rest of Thursday and Friday,
Speaker:was a poor companion.
Speaker:Every time his phone buzzed,
Speaker:he expected to see a message from one of them saying, ‘Hey, you told us different places, which one are we
Speaker:meeting at?’ But the days passed without any of his friends questioning his complicated plans,
Speaker:and he met Martin Friday night with the feeling of
Speaker:—well, not a master spy exactly.
Speaker:The master spies in the books weren’t generally the ones making the plans;
Speaker:they were solving puzzles put down by villains.
Speaker:Trying to trap a spy didn’t make him a villain, though, did it?
Speaker:He was the counterspy;
Speaker:that felt better,
Speaker:and made him feel a bit less guilty about lying to some of his friends.
Speaker:The first half hour of drinks with Martin passed quickly.
Speaker:The cacomistle kept looking around and saying things like it wasn’t usual for Lonny and Porta to both be so late,
Speaker:and when Kirk deflected that conversation, they talked about the latest Bond movie,
Speaker:comparing it to the other recent few.
Speaker:Martin could talk acting for hours,
Speaker:and Kirk had worked in theater design in college, so they usually enjoyed discussing those aspects of movies they’d seen,
Speaker:and while neither acting nor set design were what you went to Bond movies for,
Speaker:they still killed half an hour on that topic.
Speaker:But when the conversation flagged, Martin went back to picking out cute guys at the bar for Kirk. ‘How
Speaker:about that badger, the one in the nice jacket?’ ‘The
Speaker:jacket’s just this side of pretentious,’ Kirk said. ‘But
Speaker:how do you even know he’s gay?’ ‘I
Speaker:don’t.’ The cacomistle sipped his cocktail. ‘But
Speaker:it’s fun to pretend, right?’ ‘I
Speaker:don’t want to meet a guy in a bar.’ ‘Then
Speaker:why do you keep looking around?
Speaker:You think Lonny and Porta might be sitting somewhere else?
Speaker:Oh hey…’ Kirk’s phone buzzed at the same time.
Speaker:They both looked at the message from Lonny:
Speaker:Where are you guys?
Speaker:Before Kirk could stop him, Martin was texting back.
Speaker:We’re here, where are you?
Speaker:While Martin was sorting out the fact that they were at two different bars,
Speaker:Kirk scanned the room one more time.
Speaker:If Van wasn’t here,
Speaker:then maybe he was over at the other bar where Lonny and Porta were,
Speaker:and Porta was the—
Speaker:At that moment, the fennec walked through the door.
Speaker:Kirk’s eyes met his,
Speaker:and Van stopped. They stared at each other,
Speaker:neither one moving.
Speaker:Slowly, Van scanned the restaurant,
Speaker:like he was looking for another friend who wasn’t there,
Speaker:and then he turned and walked right back out the door. ‘Ah,
Speaker:you must’ve sent them the wrong address,’ Martin said. ‘They’re
Speaker:over at this place on Rosen. It’s just a few blocks, so they’re coming over here.
Speaker:What?’ Kirk had shifted his stare to Martin,
Speaker:his claws tap-tapping on the table. ‘So
Speaker:you’re the one who’s been telling him.’
Speaker:The cacomistle turned quickly toward the door
Speaker:and his ears went back,
Speaker:though he tried to put on a brave, innocent smile as he faced Kirk again. ‘Telling,
Speaker:ah, who? What?’ ‘Van
Speaker:just walked in.’
Speaker:Kirk nodded to the door. ‘How’d
Speaker:he know we were here?’ ‘I
Speaker:don’t know. What—you think I told him where we’d be?
Speaker:Why would I do that?’ ‘I
Speaker:don’t know.’ Kirk’s muzzle felt warm.
Speaker:He rubbed his other paw over his whiskers. ‘I
Speaker:thought maybe you were trying to get us back together,
Speaker:but as soon as he saw that I saw him,
Speaker:he left. He showed up at the movie, and the mall,
Speaker:and… and The Sett and Red Hook.
Speaker:And now he’s here and you’re the only one who had this address.’
Speaker:Martin’s brave smile struggled a moment longer and then
Speaker:creased into anger. ‘I’m
Speaker:the only one
Speaker:—did you tell Lonny and Porta another bar?
Speaker:Was this a trap?’ The pride Kirk had felt in the success of his scheme remained with him about as long as Van had stayed in the bar. ‘Maybe,
Speaker:but—but it worked.
Speaker:So tell me. Is Van following me and then waiting half an hour to walk in?
Speaker:Or are you telling him where to spy on me?’ ‘It’s
Speaker:your fault,’ the cacomistle snapped. ‘If
Speaker:you’d just tell him it’s over.’ ‘I
Speaker:told him.’ Kirk shifted in his chair. ‘I
Speaker:mean, I said I was gonna be real busy
Speaker:—anyway, why does that make a difference?
Speaker:I know he’s clingy. You don’t have to help him.’ ‘Because
Speaker:he still thinks he has a chance with you!’
Speaker:People around them turned their heads and ears. ‘Quiet
Speaker:down,’ Kirk said, leaning forward. ‘He
Speaker:still thinks you might get back together with him!’
Speaker:Martin ignored Kirk’s words. ‘Because
Speaker:you don’t have the balls to go tell him it’s over.
Speaker:So I told him to come watch us and be discreet,
Speaker:and I thought maybe he’d hear you talk about someone else, about
Speaker:going on other dates. But you can’t even commit to that.
Speaker:So he thinks you’re still hung up on him.’
Speaker:Kirk waved the cacomistle silent. ‘What
Speaker:do you care? Let him figure it out.’
Speaker:Even as he said the words,
Speaker:they sat uneasily with him.
Speaker:A fox at a nearby table made a sound like a ‘tsk’
Speaker:that might have been directed at him,
Speaker:but as soon as Kirk half-turned, Martin replied. ‘Oh
Speaker:my God. “Figure it out.”
Speaker:Are you—are you serious?
Speaker:Do you understand how people work?’ ‘Look
Speaker:—’ Kirk turned from one side to the other.
Speaker:As Martin had moderated his tone,
Speaker:people had lost interest in their conversation.
Speaker:Or at least they’d figured out how to disguise their interest. ‘Can
Speaker:we discuss my relationship issues later?
Speaker:What does this have to do with anything?’
Speaker:‘You don’t have a clue.’
Speaker:Martin shook his head. ‘It’s
Speaker:dumb, never mind.
Speaker:I’m sorry, I won’t tell him where we’re going anymore.’
Speaker:He stared down at his glass as though he wanted to dive into the pink liquid and disappear.
Speaker:And Kirk, who did manage to think things through once in a while,
Speaker:got a glimmer of the answer. ‘Wait,
Speaker:you want to date him?’ ‘No,’
Speaker:Martin muttered,
Speaker:his ears back and his tail curled tightly under his chair
Speaker:and still staring down at his drink. ‘Cripes,
Speaker:Martin, why didn’t you say something?
Speaker:If—look, I’ll talk to him. I mean,
Speaker:if you’re interested. He’s not a bad guy, just…’
Speaker:‘I know.’ The cacomistle kept his eyes on his drink. ‘We
Speaker:hung out with him enough. You don’t have to say anything.’ ‘No.
Speaker:‘No.’ Kirk took a breath. ‘You’re
Speaker:right. I need to tell him plain and simple, if he can’t pick up on what
Speaker:“I’m busy” means…’ He took a breath. ‘I’ll
Speaker:text him tomorrow.’
Speaker:Martin looked up. ‘You’re
Speaker:going to break up with him over text message?’ ‘I
Speaker:haven’t been seeing him for three weeks! You think he hasn’t picked up on that?’
Speaker:The cacomistle shook his head. ‘I
Speaker:don't think he has.
Speaker:Or maybe he has but just doesn’t want to admit it.’ ‘So
Speaker:I have to go through this whole thing again?’ ‘Again?’
Speaker:Martin laughed. ‘The whole point is you haven’t gone through it at all, dude.
Speaker:Do it in person. Or at least call him.’ ‘All
Speaker:right, all right.’ Kirk sighed.
Speaker:‘If you’d just done that in the first place,’ Martin said, ‘you wouldn’t have to do all this lying and sneaking around.
Speaker:Wait.’ He squinted. ‘Did
Speaker:you think you were James Bond?’ ‘No.
Speaker:‘No.’ Kirk’s ears flattened. ‘Oh
Speaker:no.’ Martin giggled. ‘Hey.’
Speaker:Kirk grabbed his glass with a scowl. ‘It
Speaker:worked, didn’t it?
Speaker:Anyway, you’re also doing spy stuff, sneaking intel to Van.’
Speaker:Lonny walked into the bar and scanned it. Kirk waved him over,
Speaker:and the
Speaker:jaguar waved behind him, presumably to Porta. ‘Don’t
Speaker:call it intel.’
Speaker:Martin turned to see who Kirk was waving at,
Speaker:and so both of them froze as Porta walked through the door,
Speaker:talking to a visibly reluctant Van. ‘Why are they bringing
Speaker:him in here?’ Kirk asked. ‘They’re
Speaker:not going to have him sit with us—are they?’
Speaker:They were. Lonny took an unused chair from an adjacent table
Speaker:and swung it around for Van while he and Porta took the seats next to Kirk and Martin.
Speaker:The fennec stared at Kirk,
Speaker:and spoke before the badger could.
Speaker:‘Lonny said it’d be okay if I joined you.’ ‘Uh,
Speaker:yeah,’ Kirk said.
Speaker:Martin, Lonny, and Porta all waited,
Speaker:and he knew what they were waiting for him to say. ‘The
Speaker:beers here are pretty good,’
Speaker:he said, staring at his menu.
Speaker:The jaguar and otter looked at each other.
Speaker:Porta cleared her throat. ‘So
Speaker:hey, Kirk, didn’t you wonder where we were?
Speaker:It’s a nice place but we were waiting for half an hour.’ ‘He
Speaker:set me up,’ Martin said.
Speaker:Kirk reached out to stop him, but Martin shook his paw off. ‘I’ve
Speaker:been telling Van where we’re hanging out, so he could maybe see Kirk dance with someone else or at least talk about breaking up, maybe, but so far Kirk hasn’t obliged.’ ‘Ahh,’
Speaker:Lonny said. ‘That’s why you were trying to get him to dance with other guys.’
Speaker:Van cleared his throat. ‘I
Speaker:know this is all a misunderstanding.
Speaker:Kirk’s been pretty busy,
Speaker:and I know you guys are important to him so he makes time for you.
Speaker:But he hasn’t—he hasn’t told me we’re over.
Speaker:He hasn’t told me to my face.’
Speaker:This was very much like one of Kirk’s nightmares,
Speaker:caught in all of his past mistakes in front of the people he liked most in the world.
Speaker:He tried to think of some way to change the subject,
Speaker:but nothing came to mind.
Speaker:Porta leaned forward. ‘Did
Speaker:you really send us someplace else instead of just asking Martin if he was talking to Van?’ ‘Oh,
Speaker:hey!’ Lonny slapped the table. ‘That’s
Speaker:why you said you might not show up the other night!
Speaker:Hey, that was a test.
Speaker:I passed!’ ‘Of course you passed,’ Porta told him. ‘You weren’t doing anything.’ ‘I’m
Speaker:sorry!’ The words burst out of him. ‘It
Speaker:was—kind of fun, setting it all up. I just didn’t want to accuse someone if it turned out not to be that.
Speaker:Imagine how stupid I’d have felt.’ ‘As
Speaker:opposed to now?’
Speaker:Martin folded his arms and leaned back. ‘But
Speaker:look—it worked!’
Speaker:Kirk insisted. ‘Martin’s been trying to get me to break up with Van because—’
Speaker:The cacomistle’s eyes went wide. ‘Kirk.
Speaker:‘Kirk.’ ‘If I have to tell him, you do too.’ ‘Tell
Speaker:me what?’ Van looked from badger to cacomistle. ‘Guys,
Speaker:seriously, can we just have a straightforward conversation?’ ‘Technically,’
Speaker:Porta said, ‘if
Speaker:you’d just called and asked Kirk flat out what the deal was instead of stalking him all over the city, you could’ve avoided all of this too.’ ‘You
Speaker:guys want us to go?’
Speaker:Lonny pushed his chair back. ‘Seems
Speaker:like this might get
Speaker:personal.’ ‘“Get”?’ Kirk said. ‘Shut
Speaker:up, Lon.’ Porta put a paw on his arm. ‘Kirk
Speaker:used us to set his trap.
Speaker:He owes us.’ He shook his head and stood, pulling the otter to her feet. ‘You
Speaker:guys wave us back when you’re set.’ ‘Ow.
Speaker:Just because you’re bigger than me, you can’t just ow okay fine fine.’
Speaker:She followed Lonny over to the bar
Speaker:where they pointedly kept their ears perked up at the television.
Speaker:The remaining three sat in silence for a moment.
Speaker:Kirk hoped one of the others would start,
Speaker:but it was clearly up to him.
Speaker:He was going to have to deal with Van’s disappointment,
Speaker:but the sooner he did, the sooner it’d be over.
Speaker:He took a breath. ‘Okay,
Speaker:fine. Van, I’m sorry,
Speaker:you’re a nice guy, but I can’t keep dating you.
Speaker:There’s just too much pressure and I can’t handle it.’ ‘Pressure?
Speaker:When did I ever put pressure on you?’
Speaker:There it was, the hurt in his eyes, the flattened ears, and the feeling
Speaker:that it was all Kirk’s fault, that he’d screwed up somehow.
Speaker:He started to talk, but Martin cut him off. ‘Van
Speaker:—don’t question how Kirk feels.
Speaker:It took him way too long to do this, but he did it, so be gracious about it.’
Speaker:The fennec looked down and rubbed his eyes. ‘I
Speaker:didn’t really believe it,’
Speaker:he said softly. ‘I mean
Speaker:—sorry, Kirk, if I made you feel…
Speaker:I didn’t mean to.’ ‘It
Speaker:sounds dumb to say it’s not you, it’s me, but it sort of is.’
Speaker:Kirk steeled himself
Speaker:and reached out. ‘I’m sorry too.’ ‘And
Speaker:I’m sorry for stalking you. That’s not cool.
Speaker:I just really needed to know and you weren’t telling me anything.’
Speaker:Van rested his paw in Kirk’s.
Speaker:The contact, warm and pleasant,
Speaker:didn’t upset Kirk as much as he’d thought it might. ‘Speaking
Speaker:of that.’
Speaker:Kirk turned to the cacomistle.
Speaker:It was a little fun watching Martin stumble over his words,
Speaker:and fun watching Van take too long to get what he meant.
Speaker:Then Van asked if it would be okay with Kirk,
Speaker:and Kirk said it would be fine,
Speaker:and that seemed to upset Van again too, so the fennec stood and said good-bye to all of them,
Speaker:tapping Porta on the shoulder on his way out to say good-bye to them too. ‘I
Speaker:suppose,’ Lonny said when he and Porta rejoined the table, ‘it’s
Speaker:too much to ask that you’ve learned a lesson?’ ‘Who?’
Speaker:Martin asked. ‘Me
Speaker:or him?’ ‘Either of you.’
Speaker:Porta shook her head. ‘I’m
Speaker:gonna bet on no.’
Speaker:Kirk smiled. ‘I learned that
Speaker:lying to your friends and sneaking around and playing spy
Speaker:works.’ ‘Hey, yeah.’ Martin lifted his glass and toasted Kirk. ‘We
Speaker:both got what we wanted by not confronting anyone.’
Speaker:Kirk lifted his glass, but paused. ‘Just
Speaker:so you know,
Speaker:you lied to me, and I lied to you,
Speaker:so…’ He waved between them with his free paw. ‘We’re
Speaker:even?’ ‘Sure.’ The cacomistle smiled. ‘Cool.
Speaker:‘Cool.’ Kirk toasted,
Speaker:ignoring Lonny’s groan,
Speaker:and he and Martin drank together.
Speaker:This was “Agent Friendzone” by Kyell Gold,
Speaker:read for you by Khaki,
Speaker:your faithful fireside companion.
Speaker:Thank you for listening to The Voice of Dog
