full

[18+] “Squirrel Your Stuff” by Field T. Mouse

[18+] From the creator of Mouse Your House comes the newest hit show on SCURRY-TV: Squirrel Your Stuff! Five squirrels, one mission: to unclutter your sorry home!

You’re listening to The Voice of Dog.  This is Rob MacWolf, your fellow traveler, and Today’s story is “Squirrel Your Stuff” by Field T. Mouse, who is a purveyor of critter-centric tales. You can find more of his work at squirrel.sofurry.com.

Read for you by Rob MacWolf — werewolf hitchhiker.

thevoice.dog | Apple podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts

If you have a story you think would be a good fit, you can check out the requirements, fill out the submission template and get in touch with us.

https://thevoice.dog/episode/18-squirrel-your-stuff-by-field-t-mouse

Transcript
Speaker:

The

Speaker:

Voice

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

Dog.

Speaker:

This is Rob MacWolf, your fellow traveler, and Today’s

Speaker:

story

Speaker:

is “Squirrel

Speaker:

Your

Speaker:

Stuff”

Speaker:

by Field

Speaker:

T.

Speaker:

Mouse,

Speaker:

who is

Speaker:

a

Speaker:

purveyor

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

critter-centric

Speaker:

tales.

Speaker:

You can

Speaker:

find

Speaker:

more

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

his

Speaker:

work at squirrel.sofurry.com.

Please

Speaker:

enjoy


“Squirrel

Speaker:

Your

Speaker:

Stuff”

Speaker:

by

Speaker:

Field

Speaker:

T.

Speaker:

Mouse

It’s 9-o’clock

Speaker:

at night.
A

Speaker:

narrator

Speaker:

welcomes you.
“Thanks

Speaker:

for

Speaker:

watching

Speaker:

Mouse

Speaker:

Your

Speaker:

House

Speaker:

and

Speaker:

Mouse

Speaker:

Your

House:

House:

Apartment

House:

Edition!

House:

Now,

House:

stay

House:

tuned

House:

to

House:

SCURRY-TV

House:

for

House:

even

House:

more ‘programming

House:

to

House:

gnaw on’!
“Up next,

House:

from the creators of

House:

Mouse

House:

Your

House:

House,

House:

it’s

House:

Squirrel

House:

Your

House:

Stuff.

House:

Tonight,

House:

the

House:

team

House:

goes into

House:

a

House:

literal

House:

fox’s

House:

den!

House:

Can

House:

they

House:

organize

House:

it?

House:

Find

House:

out!
“Then,

House:

on

House:

Rat

House:

Your

House:

Ride,

House:

the

House:

guys

House:

try

House:

to

House:

get

House:

a

House:

fixer-upper

House:

ready

House:

for a

House:

classic

House:

car

House:

show.

House:

Guess

House:

who

House:

locks

House:

the

House:

keys

House:

inside?!”
“It’s ‘Your

House:

Reality

House:

Wednesday.’

House:

Real

House:

rodents.

House:

Real

House:

places.

House:

Real

House:

fun!”
Cut

House:

to

House:

black.



Program

House:

starts.
A

House:

sleeping

House:

male

House:

fox,

House:

on

House:

his

House:

side

House:

in

House:

bed,

House:

rolls

House:

onto

House:

his

House:

back.

House:

He

House:

gives

House:

a

House:

wide,

House:

toothy yawn, snout in a sunbeam. Body is shirtless, of medium

House:

build.
The

House:

camera

House:

closes

House:

in

House:

on

House:

him.
Eyes

House:

half-open,

House:

he

House:

snarls

House:

and

House:

swipes

House:

at it.
Camera

House:

shakes!
Cut to

House:

kitchen.
“Sorry

House:

about

House:

that,”

House:

he

House:

says,

House:

clutching

House:

a

House:

mug

House:

of

House:

coffee,

House:

wearing

House:

only ‘Super

House:

Mario’

House:

boxers.

House:

His

House:

arms

House:

are

House:

black

House:

from

House:

elbows

House:

down (legs

House:

also

House:

black

House:

from

House:

knees

House:

down),

House:

a

House:

contrast

House:

to

House:

the

House:

bright,

House:

autumnal

House:

orange and

House:

white

House:

fur

House:

covering

House:

the

House:

rest

House:

of

House:

him.
He

House:

takes

House:

a

House:

sip

House:

of

House:

hot

House:

Jamaican

House:

Blue

House:

Mountain ‘breakfast

House:

blend.’
“Wasn’t

House:

fully

House:

awake

House:

yet.”
Another

House:

sip.

House:

More a

House:

slurp,

House:

really.
“Not

House:

used

House:

to

House:

having

House:

anyone

House:

else

House:

in

House:

my

House:

bedroom, ha, ha!”
After

House:

saying

House:

this,

House:

he

House:

ponders and sighs dejectedly.
Camera cuts to fox,

House:

now

House:

fully

House:

dressed,

House:

giving

House:

a

House:

tour

House:

of

House:

his

House:

home.

House:

It

House:

is …

House:

cluttered.
A

House:

voiceover

House:

plays

House:

over

House:

the

House:

visuals, the

House:

fox

House:

going

House:

from

House:

room

House:

to

House:

room.
“My

House:

name’s

House:

Harlan.

House:

I’m

House:

an

House:

American

House:

red

House:

fox.

House:

Even

House:

though

House:

I’m

House:

orange!

House:

What

House:

the (BLEEP!), ha, ha.

House:

Whatever.

House:

I

House:

work

House:

from

House:

home.

House:

Remote

House:

tech

House:

support.

House:

I

House:

guess

House:

I

House:

enjoy

House:

not

House:

having

House:

a

House:

daily

House:

commute?

House:

But,

House:

sometimes,

House:

I

House:

get

House:

stir-crazy,

House:

and

House:

it’s

House:

reflected

House:

in

House:

my

House:

living

House:

space.
“I

House:

used

House:

to

House:

have

House:

an

House:

apartment.

House:

Then

House:

I

House:

inherited

House:

this

House:

house

House:

from

House:

my

House:

paternal

House:

grandparents.

House:

I

House:

mean …

House:

can’t

House:

turn

House:

down

House:

a

House:

freaking

House:

house

House:

that’s

House:

already

House:

paid

House:

for!

House:

Right?

House:

And,

House:

uh …

House:

so

House:

some

House:

of

House:

this

House:

stuff

House:

is

House:

mine,

House:

but

House:

a

House:

lot

House:

was

House:

theirs!”
He

House:

skips

House:

a

House:

beat,

House:

admitting, “I

House:

just

House:

don’t

House:

know

House:

what

House:

to

House:

do

House:

with

House:

it

House:

all.”
Harlan

House:

leads

House:

the

House:

camera

House:

into

House:

a

House:

room

House:

that

House:

looks

House:

like

House:

a

House:

living

House:

room.

House:

Only,

House:

there’s

House:

not

House:

much

House:

space

House:

to

House:

live

House:

in.

House:

Literally

House:

everything

House:

in

House:

this

House:

particular

House:

room

House:

is

House:

covered

House:

with—
“No,

House:

they’re

House:

not

House:

toys.”
The

House:

camera pans

House:

around

House:

the

House:

room,

House:

then

House:

returns

House:

to

House:

Harlan.
“Mom is always

House:

giving

House:

me (BLEEP!)

House:

for

House:

that. ‘You’re

House:

thirty,

House:

you

House:

need

House:

to

House:

grow

House:

up!

House:

Get

House:

rid

House:

of

House:

your

House:

toys!’

House:

Uh, yeah,

House:

mom,

House:

read

House:

the

House:

package.

House:

Right

House:

here.”
He

House:

picks

House:

up

House:

a

House:

figurine

House:

still

House:

in

House:

the

House:

package,

House:

shoving

House:

it

House:

at

House:

the

House:

camera,

House:

which

House:

takes

House:

a moment

House:

to refocus.
“What does it

House:

say?

House:

Toy?!

House:

No!

House:

Adult,”

House:

he

House:

emphasizes, “collectible.”
Jump

House:

cut

House:

to

House:

the

House:

kitchen.

House:

Pots

House:

and

House:

pans

House:

and

House:

dishes

House:

everywhere.
Jump

House:

cut to

House:

porch.

House:

Cluttered

House:

with

House:

lawn

House:

tools and

House:

random

House:

sports

House:

balls.

House:

And

House:

tennis

House:

rackets.
“I don’t

House:

even

House:

play

House:

tennis!”
Jump

House:

cut to

House:

the

House:

study,

House:

full of

House:

his

House:

grandparents’

House:

dusty

House:

old

House:

books.
“Why couldn’t they have been interested in comic books?”
Back

House:

to

House:

Harlan.
The

House:

fox

House:

tilts

House:

his

House:

head,

House:

telling

House:

the

House:

camera, “I

House:

really

House:

need

House:

help

House:

organizing.

House:

Family

House:

wants

House:

to

House:

have

House:

Thanksgiving

House:

and

House:

Christmas

House:

here,

House:

cause

House:

I’m ‘centralized.’ Psh,

House:

yeah,

House:

invite

House:

yourselves

House:

over,

House:

fam!

House:

Not

House:

like

House:

I

House:

had

House:

plans.”
He

House:

scrunches

House:

his

House:

muzzle,

House:

paws

House:

on

House:

hips.
“I

House:

mean,

House:

I

House:

could’ve if I wanted to, but … it’s

House:

the

House:

principle,

House:

right?”
The

House:

camera

House:

remains

House:

a

House:

dispassionate

House:

observer.
Another

House:

sigh.
“Anyway.

House:

It’s

House:

already

House:

October.

House:

I’m

House:

running

House:

out

House:

of

House:

time.”

House:

He

House:

pauses,

House:

swishing

House:

his

House:

tail and

House:

looking

House:

straight

House:

into

House:

the

House:

camera, “I

House:

need

House:

to

House:

squirrel

House:

my

House:

stuff!”
Cut to

House:

Main Title

House:

sequence, a

House:

short little montage

House:

set to a lively

House:

jingle, ending with

House:

the

House:

show’s

House:

logo.
Immediately

House:

after,

House:

we

House:

see

House:

the

House:

arrival of the S.Y.S. team.
Five squirrels,

House:

all

House:

different

House:

species

House:

and

House:

personalities.

House:

One

House:

mission!

House:

To

House:

get

House:

homes

House:

uncluttered.
“The

House:

front

House:

yard

House:

doesn’t

House:

look

House:

so

House:

bad,”

House:

Cerise,

House:

a

House:

petite

House:

female

House:

red

House:

squirrel

House:

says,

House:

as

House:

she

House:

gets

House:

out

House:

of a van with

House:

the

House:

show’s

House:

name

House:

on

House:

it.

House:

She is

House:

habitually

House:

polite.

House:

A cutie with

House:

tufted,

House:

pixie-like ears. The

House:

prototypical ‘squirrel

House:

next

House:

door.’
“Poor,

House:

naïve

House:

Cerise,”

House:

a

House:

striking

House:

black,

House:

white,

House:

and

House:

maroon

House:

Prevost’s

House:

squirrel

House:

says.

House:

Piedmont.

House:

Fancy

House:

in

House:

both

House:

appearance

House:

and

House:

temperament.
INTERVIEW

House:

CHAIR –

Piedmont:

“Spare

Piedmont:

me.

Piedmont:

I’ve

Piedmont:

already

Piedmont:

heard

Piedmont:

all

Piedmont:

the

Piedmont:

jokes,”

Piedmont:

he

Piedmont:

says,

Piedmont:

reeling them

Piedmont:

off. “‘What,

Piedmont:

was

Piedmont:

Poindexter

Piedmont:

already

Piedmont:

taken!’ ‘Oh, so

Piedmont:

that’s

Piedmont:

why

Piedmont:

you’re

Piedmont:

suck

Piedmont:

a

Piedmont:

dick!’”
“Wait.”

Piedmont:

He

Piedmont:

pauses. “Did …

Piedmont:

did

Piedmont:

I

Piedmont:

say

Piedmont:

suck ?”

Piedmont:

He

Piedmont:

thinks,

Piedmont:

eyes

Piedmont:

darting,

Piedmont:

muttering a bit

Piedmont:

before

Piedmont:

insisting, “I

Piedmont:

meant

Piedmont:

such!

Piedmont:

Such a dick!”
Camera pushes in on him.
“Yeah,

Piedmont:

I’m

Piedmont:

gay,

Piedmont:

okay?”

Piedmont:

He

Piedmont:

fiddles

Piedmont:

with

Piedmont:

his

Piedmont:

glasses,

Piedmont:

tail

Piedmont:

swishing

Piedmont:

flippantly. “Sue me.”
Back

Piedmont:

to

Piedmont:

Harlan’s

Piedmont:

driveway.
A

Piedmont:

truck with

Piedmont:

a

Piedmont:

dumpster

Piedmont:

pulls

Piedmont:

up

Piedmont:

behind

Piedmont:

the

Piedmont:

van,

Piedmont:

for

Piedmont:

all

Piedmont:

the ‘stuff’

Piedmont:

they’ll have to toss.
“He

Piedmont:

definitely

Piedmont:

doesn’t

Piedmont:

have

Piedmont:

kits,”

Piedmont:

Waverly,

Piedmont:

a

Piedmont:

grey

Piedmont:

squirrel,

Piedmont:

reasoned. “Or

Piedmont:

a

Piedmont:

mate.

Piedmont:

Else

Piedmont:

there’d

Piedmont:

be

Piedmont:

more

Piedmont:

stuff

Piedmont:

out

Piedmont:

here.”
“Don’t

Piedmont:

get

Piedmont:

your

Piedmont:

hopes

Piedmont:

up

Piedmont:

for

Piedmont:

an

Piedmont:

easy

Piedmont:

job,

Piedmont:

you

Piedmont:

two,” Clay,

Piedmont:

a

Piedmont:

brawny

Piedmont:

bronze

Piedmont:

and

Piedmont:

silver

Piedmont:

fox

Piedmont:

squirrel,

Piedmont:

warns.

Piedmont:

Paws

Piedmont:

on

Piedmont:

hips,

Piedmont:

eyes

Piedmont:

narrowing. “The

Piedmont:

producers

Piedmont:

didn’t

Piedmont:

choose this

Piedmont:

place

Piedmont:

for

Piedmont:

no

Piedmont:

reason.

Piedmont:

Inside’s

Piedmont:

probably

Piedmont:

a

Piedmont:

battlefield.

Piedmont:

Also,

Piedmont:

what

Piedmont:

about

Piedmont:

the

Piedmont:

backyard?

Piedmont:

Bet

Piedmont:

it’s

Piedmont:

full of

Piedmont:

landmines.”
INTERVIEW

Piedmont:

CHAIR –

Cerise:

“Clay

Cerise:

is,

Cerise:

um …

Cerise:

how

Cerise:

should

Cerise:

I

Cerise:

put

Cerise:

this … ”
INTERVIEW

Cerise:

CHAIR –

Piedmont:

“Aggressively

Piedmont:

male. He’d

Piedmont:

be

Piedmont:

what

Piedmont:

we

Piedmont:

call

Piedmont:

a ‘top’s

Piedmont:

top’.”
Back

Piedmont:

to

Piedmont:

yard.
Piedmont

Piedmont:

scoffs

Piedmont:

and

Piedmont:

informs Clay

Piedmont:

that, “Landmines

Piedmont:

were

Piedmont:

largely

Piedmont:

banned

Piedmont:

under

Piedmont:

an

Piedmont:

amendment

Piedmont:

regulated

Piedmont:

by

Piedmont:

the Geneva Convention in 1997.”
Clay’s tail twitches as

Piedmont:

he

Piedmont:

shoots daggers

Piedmont:

at

Piedmont:

the

Piedmont:

Prevost’s squirrel.
INTERVIEW

Piedmont:

CHAIR –

Clay:

“Piedmont

Clay:

is

Clay:

such

Clay:

a (BLEEP!)-ing

Clay:

know

Clay:

it

Clay:

all.

Clay:

The

Clay:

group

Clay:

just

Clay:

thinks

Clay:

I’m

Clay:

here

Clay:

to

Clay:

do

Clay:

the

Clay:

heavy

Clay:

lifting.”
A

Clay:

pause.
“Literally,

Clay:

to

Clay:

move

Clay:

heavy

Clay:

objects.”
A

Clay:

huff.
“I

Clay:

have

Clay:

a

Clay:

high

Clay:

school

Clay:

degree,

Clay:

too,

Clay:

you

Clay:

know!”
INTERVIEW

Clay:

CHAIR –

Piedmont:

“Smartest

Piedmont:

of

Piedmont:

the

Piedmont:

group?

Piedmont:

And

Piedmont:

looking

Piedmont:

like

Piedmont:

this?”
He

Piedmont:

folds

Piedmont:

his

Piedmont:

paws

Piedmont:

behind

Piedmont:

his

Piedmont:

head.
“Squirrel

Piedmont:

your

Piedmont:

stuff? Ha!

Piedmont:

More

Piedmont:

like ‘stuff

Piedmont:

your

Piedmont:

squirrel,’

Piedmont:

am

Piedmont:

I

Piedmont:

right?”
A

Piedmont:

pause.
“I

Piedmont:

don’t

Piedmont:

know

Piedmont:

why

Piedmont:

I

Piedmont:

said

Piedmont:

that.”
Camera

Piedmont:

cuts

Piedmont:

to

Piedmont:

Waverly

Piedmont:

as

Piedmont:

the

Piedmont:

front

Piedmont:

yard

Piedmont:

exchange

Piedmont:

is

Piedmont:

going

Piedmont:

on.

Piedmont:

He

Piedmont:

slowly

Piedmont:

inches

Piedmont:

into

Piedmont:

the

Piedmont:

fray.
INTERVIEW CHAIR –

Waverly:

“Everyone

Waverly:

assumes

Waverly:

grey squirrels

Waverly:

are

Waverly:

boring

Waverly:

because we’re …

Waverly:

y’know,

Waverly:

grey.”
A

Waverly:

pause.
“I

Waverly:

mean,

Waverly:

I

Waverly:

guess

Waverly:

I

Waverly:

am

Waverly:

a

Waverly:

little

Waverly:

boring?

Waverly:

You

Waverly:

got

Waverly:

Piedmont

Waverly:

over

Waverly:

there

Waverly:

being

Waverly:

a

Waverly:

smarty

Waverly:

pants,

Waverly:

Clay

Waverly:

being

Waverly:

macho,

Waverly:

Cerise

Waverly:

so

Waverly:

helpful

Waverly:

and

Waverly:

sweet … ”
He

Waverly:

falters

Waverly:

at

Waverly:

mentioning

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

red

Waverly:

squirrel,

Waverly:

clearly

Waverly:

having

Waverly:

a

Waverly:

crush

Waverly:

on

Waverly:

her.
“I,

Waverly:

uh …

Waverly:

but

Waverly:

me?

Waverly:

I’m

Waverly:

just

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

straight

Waverly:

man.”
A

Waverly:

pause.
“Not

Waverly:

straight

Waverly:

as

Waverly:

in

Waverly:

straight,

Waverly:

though

Waverly:

I

Waverly:

am

Waverly:

that.

Waverly:

But,

Waverly:

like,

Waverly:

you

Waverly:

know,

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

sane,

Waverly:

reasonable

Waverly:

guy? The

Waverly:

glue

Waverly:

that

Waverly:

keeps

Waverly:

all

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

disparate

Waverly:

elements

Waverly:

together?”
Camera

Waverly:

cuts

Waverly:

to Waverly

Waverly:

now between

Waverly:

Clay

Waverly:

and

Waverly:

Piedmont,

Waverly:

a paw on

Waverly:

each

Waverly:

of

Waverly:

their

Waverly:

chests,

Waverly:

with

Waverly:

Waverly’s

Waverly:

voice-over.
“I’m

Waverly:

basically

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

group’s

Waverly:

referee.”
Camera

Waverly:

cuts

Waverly:

to

Waverly:

interior

Waverly:

of

Waverly:

Harlan’s

Waverly:

house,

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

group

Waverly:

filtering

Waverly:

in.
Cerise

Waverly:

puts

Waverly:

a paw to

Waverly:

her

Waverly:

breast,

Waverly:

audibly

Waverly:

gasping.
There

Waverly:

is

Waverly:

stuff

Waverly:

everywhere.
“Looks

Waverly:

like

Waverly:

we’re

Waverly:

dealing

Waverly:

with

Waverly:

a

Waverly:

classic

Waverly:

hoarder,”

Waverly:

Clay

Waverly:

guesses.
“I

Waverly:

don’t

Waverly:

think

Waverly:

he’s

Waverly:

a

Waverly:

hoarder,

Waverly:

I

Waverly:

think

Waverly:

he’s

Waverly:

just

Waverly:

lazy,”

Waverly:

Piedmont

Waverly:

says,

Waverly:

getting

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

camera’s

Waverly:

attention

Waverly:

and

Waverly:

pointing

Waverly:

to

Waverly:

a

Waverly:

water

Waverly:

ring

Waverly:

on

Waverly:

a

Waverly:

coffee

Waverly:

table.

Waverly:

He

Waverly:

shakes

Waverly:

his

Waverly:

head,

Waverly:

mouthing

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

word, “Tragic.”
“We’re

Waverly:

gonna

Waverly:

overflow

Waverly:

the dumpster,” Waverly

Waverly:

guesses.
Cerise asks, “What

Waverly:

if

Waverly:

he

Waverly:

doesn’t

Waverly:

want

Waverly:

anything

Waverly:

thrown

Waverly:

out?”
“Sometimes,

Waverly:

you

Waverly:

gotta

Waverly:

cut

Waverly:

your

Waverly:

losses,”

Waverly:

Clay

Waverly:

says,

Waverly:

in

Waverly:

agreement

Waverly:

with Waverly.
Harlan

Waverly:

pokes his snout into the

Waverly:

frame, then fully appears

Waverly:

as they enter the

Waverly:

living room.
“Yo, squirrels!

Waverly:

Bright

Waverly:

eyed

Waverly:

and

Waverly:

bushy

Waverly:

tailed!”

Waverly:

He

Waverly:

whisks

Waverly:

his

Waverly:

own

Waverly:

tail

Waverly:

around

Waverly:

in

Waverly:

solidarity,

Waverly:

using

Waverly:

both

Waverly:

paws

Waverly:

to

Waverly:

point

Waverly:

at

Waverly:

them.

Waverly:

He

Waverly:

stands

Waverly:

a

Waverly:

good

Waverly:

head

Waverly:

taller

Waverly:

than

Waverly:

all

Waverly:

of

Waverly:

them. “Ha,

Waverly:

that’s

Waverly:

what

Waverly:

I

Waverly:

like

Waverly:

to

Waverly:

see.”
The

Waverly:

predator

Waverly:

hungrily eyes Cerise while talking.
Waverly notices and squints.
INTERVIEW CHAIR –

Harlan:

“What?”
Pause.
“Red squirrels are the most (BLEEP!)-able

Harlan:

squirrels.”
He

Harlan:

smirks

Harlan:

and

Harlan:

leans

Harlan:

back

Harlan:

in

Harlan:

the

Harlan:

chair,

Harlan:

crossing

Harlan:

his

Harlan:

arms.
“Change

Harlan:

my

Harlan:

mind.”
Cut

Harlan:

back

Harlan:

to

Harlan:

living

Harlan:

room.
Just

Harlan:

then,

Harlan:

the

Harlan:

fifth

Harlan:

member of

Harlan:

the

Harlan:

group,

Harlan:

who’s

Harlan:

been

Harlan:

taking

Harlan:

a

Harlan:

phone

Harlan:

call

Harlan:

in

Harlan:

the

Harlan:

van,

Harlan:

bounds

Harlan:

into

Harlan:

the

Harlan:

scene.

Harlan:

An

Harlan:

Indian

Harlan:

giant

Harlan:

squirrel

Harlan:

named

Harlan:

Zora.
Braless

Harlan:

breasts

Harlan:

bouncing

Harlan:

beneath

Harlan:

her

Harlan:

t-shirt

Harlan:

and her

Harlan:

impossibly

Harlan:

large,

Harlan:

fluffy

Harlan:

tail

Harlan:

painting

Harlan:

invisible

Harlan:

trails

Harlan:

in

Harlan:

the

Harlan:

air,

Harlan:

her pelt is

Harlan:

too

Harlan:

many

Harlan:

colors

Harlan:

to

Harlan:

count.

Harlan:

Orange,

Harlan:

tan,

Harlan:

russet,

Harlan:

red,

Harlan:

purple,

Harlan:

deep

Harlan:

navy

Harlan:

blue.
Visibly

Harlan:

taller

Harlan:

than

Harlan:

the

Harlan:

others,

Harlan:

she

Harlan:

stands

Harlan:

almost at

Harlan:

chin

Harlan:

level

Harlan:

with the

Harlan:

fox.
“What’d

Harlan:

I

Harlan:

miss?”

Harlan:

she

Harlan:

asks,

Harlan:

smile as

Harlan:

bright

Harlan:

as

Harlan:

a

Harlan:

tropical

Harlan:

sun.
Harlan

Harlan:

drinks

Harlan:

her

Harlan:

in

Harlan:

with

Harlan:

wide,

Harlan:

unblinking

Harlan:

eyes.
INTERVIEW

Harlan:

CHAIR –

Harlan:

“Mind,

Harlan:

uh …

Harlan:

mind

Harlan:

changed,

Harlan:

alright?”

Harlan:

Clearing

Harlan:

his

Harlan:

throat,

Harlan:

he

Harlan:

sheepishly

Harlan:

adjusts

Harlan:

his

Harlan:

pants. “You win.”
Begin

Harlan:

commercial

Harlan:

break.



Morning,

Harlan:

and a

Harlan:

squirrel

Harlan:

enters

Harlan:

a

Harlan:

bathroom

Harlan:

to

Harlan:

shower and groom

Harlan:

their

Harlan:

tail.

Harlan:

They

Harlan:

shut

Harlan:

the

Harlan:

door.
A

Harlan:

clock

Harlan:

ticks

Harlan:

and

Harlan:

text

reads:

reads:

ONE

reads:

HOUR

reads:

LATER.
The

reads:

squirrel

reads:

emerges,

reads:

chittering

reads:

with

reads:

annoyance.

reads:

Even

reads:

after

reads:

drying

reads:

off,

reads:

their

reads:

proud,

reads:

bushy

reads:

tail is

reads:

looking

reads:

thin

reads:

and

reads:

unkempt.
“Tired

reads:

of

reads:

wasting

reads:

so

reads:

much

reads:

time

reads:

grooming

reads:

your

reads:

tail?”
The

reads:

squirrel

reads:

nods

reads:

and

reads:

says, “Yes!

reads:

I

reads:

can’t

reads:

go

reads:

out

reads:

like

reads:

this!” A

reads:

sigh. “Makes

reads:

me

reads:

wish

reads:

I

reads:

had

reads:

a

reads:

mouse

reads:

tail … ”
The

reads:

narrator

reads:

chuckles. “Let’s

reads:

not

reads:

go

reads:

that

reads:

far!

reads:

Take

reads:

the

reads:

maintenance

reads:

out

reads:

of

reads:

being

reads:

a

reads:

squirrel.”
“But

reads:

I’ve

reads:

tried

reads:

everything!”
“Try ‘Terrific

reads:

Tailz

reads:

Ten’!

reads:

Our

reads:

special,

reads:

environmentally

reads:

friendly

reads:

blend

reads:

instantly

reads:

softens

reads:

and

reads:

detangles

reads:

dry,

reads:

frizzy

reads:

fur,

reads:

leaving

reads:

your

reads:

tail

reads:

shining

reads:

stylishly!

reads:

All

reads:

in

reads:

less

reads:

than

reads:

ten

reads:

minutes!”
A

reads:

bottle

reads:

of

reads:

the

reads:

conditioner

reads:

magically

reads:

appears.
The squirrel seems

reads:

skeptical

reads:

but shrugs

reads:

and

reads:

takes

reads:

it. “What do I have to lose?”
Text reads: TEN

reads:

MINUTES

reads:

LATER.
The squirrel

reads:

returns,

reads:

not

reads:

even

reads:

fully

reads:

dry,

reads:

yet

reads:

their

reads:

tail

reads:

is

reads:

fluffy

reads:

and

reads:

buoyant,

reads:

soft

reads:

and

reads:

luxurious, with

reads:

just

reads:

the

reads:

perfect bit of bounce.
A bucktoothed

reads:

smile. “Wow, thanks ‘Terrific Tailz!”
“TT10,” the narrator

reads:

recites. “Take

reads:

ten

reads:

minutes

reads:

to

reads:

fluff

reads:

yourself!”



End

reads:

commercial

reads:

break.
The

reads:

camera

reads:

drifts

reads:

through

reads:

the

reads:

house,

reads:

showing

reads:

the

reads:

team

reads:

in

reads:

the

reads:

beginning

reads:

stages

reads:

of

reads:

tackling

reads:

their

reads:

organizational

reads:

makeover.
INTERVIEW

reads:

CHAIR –

Cerise:

“So, we all have initial roles. I take inventory. Waverly

Cerise:

decides

Cerise:

what

Cerise:

stays out,

Cerise:

what goes

Cerise:

in storage, or even what can get tossed. Clay is the

Cerise:

muscle.

Cerise:

He

Cerise:

moves

Cerise:

things.

Cerise:

Sorry,

Cerise:

Clay!

Cerise:

Um,

Cerise:

Piedmont

Cerise:

directs

Cerise:

the

Cerise:

arrangement,

Cerise:

and ‘flowers’

Cerise:

up

Cerise:

the

Cerise:

overall

Cerise:

appearance.

Cerise:

But by

Cerise:

the

Cerise:

end,

Cerise:

though,

Cerise:

it’s

Cerise:

pretty much a free for all! Heh. Yeah, we’re pretty

Cerise:

much

Cerise:

all

Cerise:

crossing

Cerise:

over

Cerise:

into—"
She

Cerise:

leans

Cerise:

forward,

Cerise:

ears

Cerise:

cocking.
“Zora?”
A

Cerise:

pause.
“She’s the, uh …

Cerise:

the

Cerise:

morale

Cerise:

booster,” Cerise

Cerise:

says

Cerise:

politely,

Cerise:

leaning

Cerise:

back. “She

Cerise:

knows

Cerise:

how

Cerise:

to

Cerise:

deliver

Cerise:

a

Cerise:

good

Cerise:

rally

Cerise:

cry.

Cerise:

Must

Cerise:

come

Cerise:

from her

Cerise:

sports

Cerise:

days!”
INTERVIEW

Cerise:

CHAIR –

Zora:

“Mm?

Zora:

Oh,

Zora:

yeah,

Zora:

I

Zora:

was

Zora:

a

Zora:

volleyball

Zora:

pro

Zora:

for

Zora:

five,

Zora:

six

Zora:

years!

Zora:

Beach

Zora:

volleyball.

Zora:

Which

Zora:

is,

Zora:

like,

Zora:

the

Zora:

only

Zora:

serious

Zora:

kind.”
She

Zora:

puts

Zora:

her

Zora:

paws

Zora:

around

Zora:

her

Zora:

muzzle

Zora:

like

Zora:

a

Zora:

megaphone

Zora:

and shouts, “Prepare to eat sand! Ha, ha.”
Stock

Zora:

footage shows the

Zora:

giant,

Zora:

vivid

Zora:

squirrel, in a

Zora:

skimpy,

Zora:

sky-blue two-piece

Zora:

bikini,

Zora:

jumping

Zora:

toward

Zora:

the

Zora:

net

Zora:

and

Zora:

spiking

Zora:

the

Zora:

ball,

Zora:

low-fiving

Zora:

her

Zora:

shorter

Zora:

rabbit

Zora:

teammate

Zora:

as

Zora:

they

Zora:

get

Zora:

the point.
“Got silver medal in the ’21 Worlds.”
She

Zora:

flashes

Zora:

a

Zora:

Victory

Zora:

sign.
“I

Zora:

was

Zora:

in

Zora:

the

Zora:

last

Zora:

Olympics,

Zora:

too!”
A

Zora:

pause.
“As

Zora:

an

Zora:

alternate.

Zora:

But

Zora:

I

Zora:

still

Zora:

got

Zora:

to

Zora:

go!”
The

Zora:

camera

Zora:

jump-cuts

Zora:

closer as

Zora:

she

Zora:

confides, “The

Zora:

Olympic

Zora:

Village?

Zora:

It’s

Zora:

all

Zora:

true,

Zora:

yeah.”

Zora:

She

Zora:

zips

Zora:

her

Zora:

lips. “Ha!

Zora:

That’s

Zora:

all

Zora:

I

Zora:

can

Zora:

say.”
The

Zora:

camera

Zora:

jump-cuts

Zora:

back.
“During

Zora:

a

Zora:

practice

Zora:

match

Zora:

one

Zora:

day,

Zora:

I

Zora:

tore

Zora:

a

Zora:

ligament.

Zora:

ACL.

Zora:

That’s,

Zora:

like,

Zora:

the

Zora:

worst

Zora:

one

Zora:

to

Zora:

hurt,

Zora:

for

Zora:

sure.

Zora:

Crumpled

Zora:

right

Zora:

to

Zora:

the

Zora:

sand.

Zora:

Brutal!

Zora:

Was

Zora:

looking at,

Zora:

like,

Zora:

a

Zora:

year

Zora:

of

Zora:

rehab,

Zora:

with

Zora:

no

Zora:

guarantees

Zora:

of

Zora:

returning

Zora:

to

Zora:

my

Zora:

peak. Did

Zora:

I

Zora:

really

Zora:

want

Zora:

to

Zora:

push

Zora:

to

Zora:

get

Zora:

back

Zora:

out

Zora:

there?
“So,

Zora:

like,

Zora:

I

Zora:

was

Zora:

at

Zora:

the

Zora:

physical

Zora:

therapist for

Zora:

my

Zora:

first

Zora:

appointment, and

Zora:

I

Zora:

see

Zora:

this

Zora:

hip, silver

Zora:

rat.

Zora:

He

Zora:

was in

Zora:

for

Zora:

some back pain, maybe? Dunno. He’s lookin’ at me

Zora:

and

Zora:

blurts

Zora:

out, ‘You’re

Zora:

pretty hot’!”
The camera slowly pushes

Zora:

in on

Zora:

Zora’s

Zora:

face.
“I

Zora:

was,

Zora:

like, ‘aw,

Zora:

thanks,

Zora:

but

Zora:

I’m

Zora:

not into you.’ And then he’s all, ‘It’s okay,

Zora:

I

Zora:

got

Zora:

a boyfriend

Zora:

anyway.’

Zora:

Ha, ha! It was

Zora:

funny.

Zora:

No,

Zora:

but

Zora:

then

Zora:

he’s,

Zora:

like, ‘You

Zora:

want

Zora:

a

Zora:

job

Zora:

on

Zora:

television’?”
Zora

Zora:

idly

Zora:

swipes

Zora:

at

Zora:

her

Zora:

whiskers.
“I

Zora:

say, ‘I’ve

Zora:

always

Zora:

wanted

Zora:

to

Zora:

be

Zora:

a

Zora:

broadcaster!

Zora:

You

Zora:

hiring

Zora:

color

Zora:

commentators?

Zora:

I

Zora:

won’t

Zora:

do

Zora:

play-by-play.’
“He

Zora:

shakes

Zora:

his

Zora:

head

Zora:

and

Zora:

goes, ‘Nah,

Zora:

I

Zora:

work

Zora:

for

Zora:

SCURRY-TV,

Zora:

and

Zora:

you’d

Zora:

be

Zora:

great

Zora:

on

Zora:

a new

Zora:

show

Zora:

we’re developing.

Zora:

Would

Zora:

you

Zora:

consider

Zora:

yourself

Zora:

an

Zora:

organized

Zora:

person’?”
The

Zora:

giant

Zora:

squirrel

Zora:

pretends

Zora:

to

Zora:

think.
“I’m,

Zora:

like, ‘How ‘bout …

Zora:

no’!”
“And

Zora:

he

Zora:

snaps

Zora:

his

Zora:

fingers

Zora:

and

Zora:

says, ‘You’re hired’!”
She

Zora:

giggles

Zora:

brightly.
INTERVIEW

Zora:

CHAIR –

Waverly:

“Zora

Waverly:

was

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

last

Waverly:

one

Waverly:

to

Waverly:

join

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

team,

Waverly:

and the

Waverly:

one

Waverly:

with

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

least

Waverly:

experience

Waverly:

in

Waverly:

whatever

Waverly:

we’re

Waverly:

supposed

Waverly:

to

Waverly:

be

Waverly:

doing,

Waverly:

so

Waverly:

of

Waverly:

course

Waverly:

she

Waverly:

becomes

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

fan

Waverly:

favorite.

Waverly:

Face

Waverly:

of

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

advertising

Waverly:

campaigns?

Waverly:

Endorsement

Waverly:

deals?”
A

Waverly:

pause.
“People

Waverly:

always

Waverly:

choose

Waverly:

color

Waverly:

over

Waverly:

greyscale,”

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

grey

Waverly:

squirrel

Waverly:

laments.
As

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

team

Waverly:

splits

Waverly:

up

Waverly:

to

Waverly:

take

Waverly:

stock

Waverly:

of

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

house,

Waverly:

Clay

Waverly:

is

Waverly:

already

Waverly:

bringing

Waverly:

trash

Waverly:

bags

Waverly:

of ‘stuff’

Waverly:

to

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

dumpster.

Waverly:

Meanwhile,

Waverly:

Zora

Waverly:

is

Waverly:

in

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

kitchen

Waverly:

with

Waverly:

Harlan.
INTERVIEW

Waverly:

CHAIR –

Harlan:

“I’m

Harlan:

just

Harlan:

trying

Harlan:

to

Harlan:

lay

Harlan:

low,

Harlan:

y’know?

Harlan:

I

Harlan:

mean,

Harlan:

I’ve

Harlan:

seen

Harlan:

this

Harlan:

show

Harlan:

before.

Harlan:

It’s

Harlan:

so

Harlan:

predictable.

Harlan:

The

Harlan:

guests

Harlan:

mug

Harlan:

for

Harlan:

the

Harlan:

camera,

Harlan:

trying

Harlan:

to

Harlan:

make

Harlan:

a

Harlan:

name

Harlan:

for

Harlan:

themselves.

Harlan:

Fifteen

Harlan:

minutes

Harlan:

of

Harlan:

fame.

Harlan:

Sad,

Harlan:

really.”
He

Harlan:

waves

Harlan:

a paw and

Harlan:

shakes

Harlan:

his

Harlan:

head.
“I’m

Harlan:

not

Harlan:

like

Harlan:

that! Mm.

Harlan:

No,

Harlan:

not

Harlan:

me.

Harlan:

I’m

Harlan:

just

Harlan:

here

Harlan:

to

Harlan:

watch

Harlan:

and

Harlan:

learn.”
Back

Harlan:

to

Harlan:

kitchen.
Harlan

Harlan:

is

Harlan:

practically

Harlan:

drooling

Harlan:

over

Harlan:

Zora,

Harlan:

hanging

Harlan:

on

Harlan:

her

Harlan:

every

Harlan:

word.
The

Harlan:

giant

Harlan:

squirrel

Harlan:

produces

Harlan:

a

Harlan:

magnetic

Harlan:

whiteboard. “Now!

Harlan:

We’re

Harlan:

gonna

Harlan:

keep

Harlan:

this

Harlan:

here

Harlan:

on

Harlan:

the

Harlan:

fridge.

Harlan:

That

Harlan:

way

Harlan:

you’ll

Harlan:

see

Harlan:

it

Harlan:

before

Harlan:

every

Harlan:

meal.

Harlan:

Which means

Harlan:

at

Harlan:

least

Harlan:

three

Harlan:

times

Harlan:

a

Harlan:

day,

Harlan:

I

Harlan:

hope!

Harlan:

You

Harlan:

look

Harlan:

like

Harlan:

you

Harlan:

enjoy

Harlan:

a

Harlan:

bite

Harlan:

to

Harlan:

eat.”
“I

Harlan:

do

Harlan:

like

Harlan:

tasty

Harlan:

morsels,”

Harlan:

he

Harlan:

replies.
Oblivious

Harlan:

to

Harlan:

being

Harlan:

hit

Harlan:

on,

Harlan:

Zora

Harlan:

secures

Harlan:

the

Harlan:

board

Harlan:

to

Harlan:

the

Harlan:

refrigerator

Harlan:

door,

Harlan:

grabbing

Harlan:

some

Harlan:

dry

Harlan:

erase

Harlan:

markers. “Keep

Harlan:

lists

Harlan:

of

Harlan:

tasks.

Harlan:

Set

Harlan:

goals

Harlan:

and

Harlan:

reward

Harlan:

yourself

Harlan:

when

Harlan:

you

Harlan:

achieve

Harlan:

them!”

Harlan:

She

Harlan:

taps

Harlan:

the

Harlan:

side

Harlan:

of

Harlan:

her

Harlan:

head. “The

Harlan:

power

Harlan:

of

Harlan:

positive

Harlan:

thinking.”
“Genius,”

Harlan:

the

Harlan:

fox

Harlan:

says.
“Thanks!”

Harlan:

Long,

Harlan:

bushy

Harlan:

tail

Harlan:

fluttering,

Harlan:

Zora

Harlan:

takes

Harlan:

the

Harlan:

cap

Harlan:

off

Harlan:

a

Harlan:

blue

Harlan:

dry

Harlan:

erase

Harlan:

marker

Harlan:

and

Harlan:

asks, “Okay.

Harlan:

So!

Harlan:

Task

Harlan:

number

Harlan:

one …

Harlan:

what

Harlan:

do

Harlan:

you

Harlan:

want

Harlan:

to

Harlan:

do

Harlan:

first?”
“Um … ”
INTERVIEW

Harlan:

CHAIR –

Harlan:

Harlan:

Looks

Harlan:

guiltily

Harlan:

at

Harlan:

camera.
Back

Harlan:

to

Harlan:

kitchen.
“It

Harlan:

doesn’t

Harlan:

have

Harlan:

to

Harlan:

be

Harlan:

a

Harlan:

chore!

Harlan:

Think

Harlan:

of

Harlan:

this

Harlan:

as

Harlan:

preemptively

Harlan:

saving

Harlan:

you

Harlan:

more

Harlan:

work.”
“Uh-huh,”

Harlan:

Harlan

Harlan:

replies,

Harlan:

checking

Harlan:

out

Harlan:

the

Harlan:

squirrel’s

Harlan:

shapely

Harlan:

rump.
Waverly

Harlan:

can

Harlan:

be

Harlan:

seen

Harlan:

walking

Harlan:

past

Harlan:

the

Harlan:

room,

Harlan:

glancing

Harlan:

at

Harlan:

the

Harlan:

camera.
INTERVIEW

Harlan:

CHAIR –

Waverly:

“Are

Waverly:

you

Waverly:

serious?

Waverly:

They’re

Waverly:

gonna (BLEEP!).”
He

Waverly:

skips

Waverly:

a

Waverly:

beat.
“Aren’t

Waverly:

they?”
A

Waverly:

sigh.
“I

Waverly:

mean … ”
The

Waverly:

camera

Waverly:

pushes

Waverly:

in.
“Jealous?

Waverly:

Why

Waverly:

would

Waverly:

I

Waverly:

be

Waverly:

jealous?”
He

Waverly:

rubs

Waverly:

his

Waverly:

neck,

Waverly:

muscles

Waverly:

tensing.

Waverly:

Clearly

Waverly:

pent up.
“I don’t

Waverly:

wanna (BLEEP!)

Waverly:

a

Waverly:

fox

Waverly:

or

Waverly:

a

Waverly:

giant

Waverly:

squirrel. I wanna (BLEEP!) Cer—”
He stops short, covering his

Waverly:

face

Waverly:

with a

Waverly:

paw.

Waverly:

He

Waverly:

remains

Waverly:

frozen

Waverly:

for

Waverly:

a

Waverly:

moment

Waverly:

before

Waverly:

saying

Waverly:

hopefully,

Waverly:

looking

Waverly:

at the

Waverly:

ceiling, “Maybe

Waverly:

she

Waverly:

won’t

Waverly:

watch

Waverly:

this

Waverly:

episode … ”
Cut

Waverly:

to

Waverly:

indoor

Waverly:

porch.
“Clay!”

Waverly:

barks

Waverly:

Piedmont,

Waverly:

on

Waverly:

his

Waverly:

knees

Waverly:

going

Waverly:

through

Waverly:

boxes

Waverly:

of

Waverly:

garden

Waverly:

tools.
No

Waverly:

response.
“Cllaaa—”
“What?”

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

fox squirrel

Waverly:

barks,

Waverly:

entering

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

room,

Waverly:

carrying another

Waverly:

trash

Waverly:

bag for

Waverly:

tossing. “I’m

Waverly:

busy.”
“I need

Waverly:

you

Waverly:

to move

Waverly:

that

Waverly:

bench

Waverly:

for

Waverly:

me.

Waverly:

And

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

washer

Waverly:

and

Waverly:

dryer.”

Waverly:

A

Waverly:

pause,

Waverly:

pointing

Waverly:

nonchalantly

Waverly:

to

Waverly:

all

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

heavy

Waverly:

furniture

Waverly:

and

Waverly:

appliances. “Oh,

Waverly:

and

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

cushioned

Waverly:

chair.”
Clay

Waverly:

rolls

Waverly:

his

Waverly:

eyes. “That’s

Waverly:

basically

Waverly:

everything.”
“Great!”
Clay

Waverly:

makes

Waverly:

a

Waverly:

throaty

Waverly:

chittering

Waverly:

noise,

Waverly:

putting

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

bag

Waverly:

down. “Where

Waverly:

to,

Waverly:

sir?”
Cut

Waverly:

to

Waverly:

entertainment

Waverly:

room.
Cerise

Waverly:

is

Waverly:

going

Waverly:

through

Waverly:

a

Waverly:

pile

Waverly:

of ‘adult

Waverly:

collectibles.’
“So,

Waverly:

to

Waverly:

start,

Waverly:

I’m

Waverly:

trying

Waverly:

to

Waverly:

sort all

Waverly:

this

Waverly:

by ‘kind.’

Waverly:

Looks

Waverly:

like

Waverly:

we’ve

Waverly:

got …

Waverly:

um,

Waverly:

action

Waverly:

figures,

Waverly:

spaceships,

Waverly:

and

Waverly:

what

Waverly:

I’m

Waverly:

going to

Waverly:

call

Waverly:

accessories?

Waverly:

Or

Waverly:

props.

Waverly:

Like

Waverly:

this,

Waverly:

um …

Waverly:

ray

Waverly:

gun?

Waverly:

I

Waverly:

think it

Waverly:

lights

Waverly:

up.”
She turns it end

Waverly:

over end. Pressing

Waverly:

a

Waverly:

button, a

Waverly:

sound effect

Waverly:

plays.
“Oh, phaser. Hah! Which show is that

Waverly:

again?”
Waverly,

Waverly:

who is

Waverly:

walking

Waverly:

by,

Waverly:

hears this and pops in. “Is that … are those Star Trek

Waverly:

toys?”
“I

Waverly:

guess?”
The

Waverly:

grey squirrel

Waverly:

enters

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

room

Waverly:

and

Waverly:

drops

Waverly:

to

Waverly:

his

Waverly:

knees,

Waverly:

excitedly sorting

Waverly:

through

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

pile

Waverly:

of

Waverly:

loot.

Waverly:

He

Waverly:

squeals. “No (BLEEP!)-ing way. Babylon 5?!”
Cerise giggles. “Didn’t realize you

Waverly:

were

Waverly:

such

Waverly:

a

Waverly:

sci-fi

Waverly:

geek!”
“Oh, uh, yeah.” He gets shy

Waverly:

and

Waverly:

runs

Waverly:

a

Waverly:

paw

Waverly:

through

Waverly:

his

Waverly:

head-fur. “I

Waverly:

just …

Waverly:

I

Waverly:

don’t

Waverly:

normally

Waverly:

talk

Waverly:

about

Waverly:

it,

Waverly:

but … ”
Trailing

Waverly:

off,

Waverly:

Waverly

Waverly:

continues

Waverly:

looking

Waverly:

through

Waverly:

the ‘stuff’

Waverly:

before

Waverly:

saying, “Some

Waverly:

of

Waverly:

these

Waverly:

are

Waverly:

loose! You

Waverly:

think

Waverly:

he

Waverly:

plays

Waverly:

with

Waverly:

them?”

Waverly:

A

Waverly:

pause. “Maybe

Waverly:

we, uh,

Waverly:

could

Waverly:

play

Waverly:

with

Waverly:

them,

Waverly:

too.”

Waverly:

He clears his throat. “Together,

Waverly:

you and me … ”
INTERVIEW

Waverly:

CHAIR –

Cerise:

“In

Cerise:

the

Cerise:

past,

Cerise:

when

Cerise:

guys

Cerise:

have

Cerise:

asked

Cerise:

me

Cerise:

to

Cerise:

play

Cerise:

with

Cerise:

their ‘toys’ … it wasn’t this innocent.”
She wrinkles her muzzle.
After a pause, a slow

Cerise:

smile

Cerise:

appears.
“But

Cerise:

Waverly’s

Cerise:

a

Cerise:

real

Cerise:

sweetheart,

Cerise:

isn’t

Cerise:

he?”
Back

Cerise:

to

Cerise:

entertainment

Cerise:

room.
Cerise

Cerise:

says, “We

Cerise:

can

Cerise:

play

Cerise:

as

Cerise:

we

Cerise:

go,

Cerise:

but

Cerise:

only

Cerise:

a

Cerise:

little.

Cerise:

We

Cerise:

have

Cerise:

to

Cerise:

remember

Cerise:

our

Cerise:

jobs!”
“Right,

Cerise:

right.

Cerise:

Jobs,”

Cerise:

Waverly mutters, picking up an Akira-Class

Cerise:

starship.

Cerise:

A

Cerise:

grin

Cerise:

as

Cerise:

he

Cerise:

proclaims, “Wicked!”
INTERVIEW

Cerise:

CHAIR –

Waverly:

“Sorry.

Waverly:

Sometimes,

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

New

Waverly:

Englander

Waverly:

in

Waverly:

me

Waverly:

slips

Waverly:

out.”
Back

Waverly:

to

Waverly:

entertainment

Waverly:

room.
Cerise

Waverly:

is

Waverly:

trying

Waverly:

to

Waverly:

keep

Waverly:

them

Waverly:

on

Waverly:

task,

Waverly:

explaining, “How

Waverly:

are

Waverly:

we

Waverly:

going

Waverly:

to

Waverly:

organize

Waverly:

these?

Waverly:

I

Waverly:

say the ‘loose’

Waverly:

ones

Waverly:

all

Waverly:

go

Waverly:

together,

Waverly:

and

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

boxed

Waverly:

ones

Waverly:

together.

Waverly:

No

Waverly:

mixing

Waverly:

on

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

shelves.

Waverly:

And,

Waverly:

uh … but the

Waverly:

loose

Waverly:

ones

Waverly:

take

Waverly:

up

Waverly:

less

Waverly:

space.”

Waverly:

She

Waverly:

nibbles

Waverly:

on

Waverly:

her

Waverly:

claw-tips. “Hmm.”
Waverly

Waverly:

is

Waverly:

flying

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

ship

Waverly:

around

Waverly:

making ‘whoosh!’

Waverly:

and ‘pew-pew!’

Waverly:

noises.
Cut

Waverly:

to

Waverly:

porch.
Clay,

Waverly:

in

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

midst

Waverly:

of

Waverly:

shuffling

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

heavier

Waverly:

objects

Waverly:

around,

Waverly:

perks

Waverly:

his

Waverly:

ears.

Waverly:

Piedmont

Waverly:

now has

Waverly:

music

Waverly:

playing

Waverly:

on

Waverly:

a

Waverly:

Bluetooth

Waverly:

speaker. “What

Waverly:

kind

Waverly:

of (BLEEP!)

Waverly:

is

Waverly:

this?”
“Culture,”

Waverly:

Piedmont

Waverly:

declares

Waverly:

simply,

Waverly:

now sorting

Waverly:

through

Waverly:

balls.

Waverly:

Tennis

Waverly:

balls,

Waverly:

soccer

Waverly:

balls,

Waverly:

golf

Waverly:

balls.

Waverly:

He

Waverly:

looks

Waverly:

at the

Waverly:

camera

Waverly:

and warns, “I

Waverly:

know

Waverly:

what

Waverly:

you’re

Waverly:

thinking.”
“Who

Waverly:

are

Waverly:

you

Waverly:

talking

Waverly:

to?”
“The

Waverly:

audience,”

Waverly:

Piedmont

Waverly:

stresses.

Waverly:

He

Waverly:

chitters,

Waverly:

pushing

Waverly:

his

Waverly:

glasses

Waverly:

up

Waverly:

his

Waverly:

snout. “You’re

Waverly:

ruining

Waverly:

my

Waverly:

moment!

Waverly:

Again.”
“Psh.

Waverly:

Cause

Waverly:

I’m

Waverly:

thrown

Waverly:

off

Waverly:

by this song.

Waverly:

This isn’t work music,”

Waverly:

Clay

Waverly:

continues,

Waverly:

not

Waverly:

letting

Waverly:

it

Waverly:

go. “This

Waverly:

is

Waverly:

frilly

Waverly:

stuff.”
Piedmont

Waverly:

frowns

Waverly:

and

Waverly:

tries

Waverly:

to

Waverly:

ignore

Waverly:

him,

Waverly:

humming

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

tune.
Clay

Waverly:

snorts. “Is

Waverly:

this …

Waverly:

wait,

Waverly:

I’ve

Waverly:

heard

Waverly:

that

Waverly:

voice

Waverly:

before.

Waverly:

Oh,

Waverly:

my

Waverly:

god!

Waverly:

Is

Waverly:

this

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

Call

Waverly:

Me

Waverly:

Maybe

Waverly:

girl? Ha, ha,

Waverly:

seriously?”
“Take

Waverly:

that

Waverly:

back,”

Waverly:

Piedmont

Waverly:

enunciates

Waverly:

slowly,

Waverly:

fur

Waverly:

bristling.
“Take

Waverly:

what

Waverly:

back?

Waverly:

I’m

Waverly:

right,

Waverly:

aren’t

Waverly:

I?”
Piedmont

Waverly:

fumes,

Waverly:

black

Waverly:

tail

Waverly:

flagging.
INTERVIEW

Waverly:

CHAIR –

Piedmont:

Piedmont:

Aggressively

Piedmont:

leans

Piedmont:

forward

Piedmont:

in

Piedmont:

chair.
“That

Piedmont:

was

Piedmont:

over

Piedmont:

a

Piedmont:

decade

Piedmont:

and

Piedmont:

six

Piedmont:

albums

Piedmont:

ago!

Piedmont:

Six!

Piedmont:

Stop

Piedmont:

bringing

Piedmont:

that

Piedmont:

song

Piedmont:

up!

Piedmont:

Carly

Piedmont:

isn’t

Piedmont:

some

Piedmont:

one-hit

Piedmont:

wonder.

Piedmont:

Oh,

Piedmont:

you

Piedmont:

didn’t

Piedmont:

know

Piedmont:

she

Piedmont:

keeps

Piedmont:

releasing

Piedmont:

stone

Piedmont:

cold

Piedmont:

masterpieces?”
He

Piedmont:

gestures

Piedmont:

at

Piedmont:

the

Piedmont:

camera.
“Educate

Piedmont:

yourself!

Piedmont:

She’s

Piedmont:

a (BLEEP!)-ing

Piedmont:

pop

Piedmont:

queen.”
He chuffs.
“She

Piedmont:

never

Piedmont:

misses,

Piedmont:

and

Piedmont:

she

Piedmont:

keeps

Piedmont:

us

Piedmont:

fed.”
He

Piedmont:

puts

Piedmont:

a paw on

Piedmont:

his

Piedmont:

forehead,

Piedmont:

leaning

Piedmont:

back

Piedmont:

in

Piedmont:

his

Piedmont:

chair.

Piedmont:

He lets

Piedmont:

the

Piedmont:

paw

Piedmont:

dangle

Piedmont:

in

Piedmont:

the

Piedmont:

air.
“And

Piedmont:

by

Piedmont:

us

Piedmont:

I

Piedmont:

mean

Piedmont:

the

Piedmont:

gays.

Piedmont:

Straight

Piedmont:

people

Piedmont:

don’t

Piedmont:

deserve

Piedmont:

her

Piedmont:

music.”
Back

Piedmont:

to

Piedmont:

porch.
“I

Piedmont:

wanna

Piedmont:

listen

Piedmont:

to

Piedmont:

rock

Piedmont:

and

Piedmont:

roll.”
“Of

Piedmont:

course

Piedmont:

you

Piedmont:

do,”

Piedmont:

Piedmont

Piedmont:

says,

Piedmont:

voice

Piedmont:

dripping

Piedmont:

with

Piedmont:

sarcasm.
“What’s

Piedmont:

that

Piedmont:

mean?”
Camera cuts

Piedmont:

to

Piedmont:

entertainment

Piedmont:

room,

Piedmont:

where Cerise

Piedmont:

and Waverly,

Piedmont:

both

Piedmont:

playing with the toys now, overhear

Piedmont:

the

Piedmont:

argument

Piedmont:

and

Piedmont:

exchange

Piedmont:

glances.
INTERVIEW

Piedmont:

CHAIR –

Waverly:

“Here’s

Waverly:

an

Waverly:

idea.

Waverly:

Ear-pods.”
Start

Waverly:

commercial

Waverly:

break.



A

Waverly:

network

Waverly:

promo

Waverly:

plays.
“Tomorrow

Waverly:

night,”

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

announcer

Waverly:

says, “laugh,

Waverly:

squeak,

Waverly:

and

Waverly:

chitter

Waverly:

along

Waverly:

with

Waverly:

us!

Waverly:

It’s

Waverly:

comedy

Waverly:

night

Waverly:

on

Waverly:

SCURRY-TV!
“At 8, another droll episode of Emmy-winner

Waverly:

The

Waverly:

Capybaras.

Waverly:

They’re

Waverly:

relentlessly

Waverly:

chill

Waverly:

but

Waverly:

always

Waverly:

getting

Waverly:

in

Waverly:

hot

Waverly:

water!

Waverly:

See

Waverly:

what

Waverly:

happens

Waverly:

when

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

family

Waverly:

draws

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

ire

Waverly:

of

Waverly:

an

Waverly:

apex

Waverly:

predator

Waverly:

at

Waverly:

a

Waverly:

harvest

Waverly:

festival!

Waverly:

You’ll

Waverly:

be

Waverly:

bobbing

Waverly:

for

Waverly:

oranges

Waverly:

and

Waverly:

laughs!”
“Then,

:

30,

:

Taking it

:

on

:

the

:

Chin.

:

It’s

:

hard

:

being

:

a

:

chinchilla,

:

but

:

Conrad

:

takes

:

every

:

pit

:

and

:

pratfall

:

in

:

stride.

:

When

:

the

:

shipment

:

of

:

dust

:

for

:

his ‘dust

:

bath’

:

is

:

mistaken

:

for

:

a narcotic

:

substance,

:

he

:

ends

:

up

:

being

:

taken

:

to

:

the

:

police

:

station!

:

With

:

hilarious

:

results.
“At 9,

:

Nuts

:

to

:

You¸

:

the

:

new

:

hit

:

show

:

everyone

:

is

:

talking

:

about.

:

It’s

:

a

:

nut

:

factory …

:

where

:

almost

:

everyone

:

is

:

a

:

little

:

crazy!

:

What

:

happens

:

when

:

the

:

health

:

inspector

:

pays

:

a

:

surprise

:

visit?!

:

The

:

diverse

:

rodent

:

cast

:

will

:

have

:

you

:

rolling.
“Finally,

:

30,

:

Prick Me, a sitcom with feels. Parsons

:

is

:

looking

:

constantly

:

for

:

love,

:

but

:

who

:

wants

:

to

:

hug

:

a

:

porcupine?

:

You

:

will

:

after

:

watching

:

his

:

latest

:

blind

:

date!
“Tomorrow!

:

Only on

:

SCURRY-TV.”



End

:

commercial

:

break.
In the porch, Piedmont and Clay, still arguing,

:

start

:

to

:

taper

:

off.
Piedmont

:

looks

:

around,

:

blinking.
Clay

:

asks, “Where

:

is

:

he?”
“Waverly?

:

I

:

dunno.”
Camera cuts to the grey squirrel with Cerise, the two

:

giggling and

:

blushing.
Back

:

to

:

porch.
“Well,

:

if

:

he’s

:

not

:

going

:

to end

:

our argument,

:

I mean …

:

are

:

we

:

gonna

:

have

:

to

:

do

:

it

:

ourselves?”
Piedmont

:

blows

:

out

:

a

:

reluctant

:

breath. “I guess … ”
“Lame!”
“Maybe he’s

:

trying

:

to

:

teach

:

us

:

a

:

lesson? If

:

so,

:

that’s

:

awfully

:

pert

:

of

:

him!”
“Huh?” Clay

:

echoes.
“Presumptuous.”
“Well,

:

whatever.

:

Um …

:

look,

:

what

:

do

:

you

:

wanna

:

do

:

now?

:

I’ve

:

moved

:

all

:

your

:

stuff. Or

:

the fox’s stuff,” Clay corrects,

:

looking

:

around

:

for

:

Harlan.

:

Normally,

:

homeowners

:

were

:

all ‘in

:

your

:

face’

:

and

:

trying

:

to

:

get

:

on

:

camera. “Where

:

is

:

he,

:

by

:

the

:

way?

:

We’re

:

here

:

to

:

help

:

him,

:

and

:

he’s (BLEEP!)-ing

:

AWOL.”
“Never

:

mind

:

who

:

he’s

:

getting

:

himself

:

into,”

:

Piedmont

:

quips. “I

:

think

:

we’re

:

done

:

with this

:

room.”
“Oh.

:

Okay.”
A

:

pause.
Clay

:

crosses his

:

arms

:

and suggests, “Maybe

:

we

:

should

:

take

:

a

:

snack

:

break,

:

then,

:

before

:

moving

:

to

:

the

:

next.”
“Snacks?

:

What

:

kind

:

of

:

snacks?”

:

Piedmont

:

asks,

:

intrigued.
A shrug, and then a slow, mischievous grin. “We’re squirrels. Let’s raid his

:

cabinets and

:

find

:

out.”
Piedmont

:

smirks.
INTERVIEW

:

CHAIR –

Piedmont:

“Temporary truce

Piedmont:

for

Piedmont:

snacks?

Piedmont:

I

Piedmont:

think

Piedmont:

that’s

Piedmont:

also

Piedmont:

covered

Piedmont:

by

Piedmont:

the

Piedmont:

Geneva

Piedmont:

Convention.”
Cut

Piedmont:

to

Piedmont:

entertainment

Piedmont:

room.
In

Piedmont:

due

Piedmont:

time,

Piedmont:

Waverly

Piedmont:

and

Piedmont:

Cerise

Piedmont:

have

Piedmont:

organized

Piedmont:

everything.

Piedmont:

They sit

Piedmont:

in

Piedmont:

the

Piedmont:

middle

Piedmont:

of

Piedmont:

the

Piedmont:

space,

Piedmont:

admiring

Piedmont:

their

Piedmont:

work.
“We

Piedmont:

should

Piedmont:

move

Piedmont:

to

Piedmont:

the

Piedmont:

next

Piedmont:

room,” Cerise says.
“Should,”

Piedmont:

Waverly

Piedmont:

agrees.
Neither

Piedmont:

leaves.
“I

Piedmont:

always

Piedmont:

wonder

Piedmont:

how

Piedmont:

long

Piedmont:

it

Piedmont:

takes

Piedmont:

after

Piedmont:

we

Piedmont:

leave

Piedmont:

for

Piedmont:

things

Piedmont:

to

Piedmont:

fall

Piedmont:

apart

Piedmont:

again,”

Piedmont:

Cerise

Piedmont:

says,

Piedmont:

easing to

Piedmont:

her

Piedmont:

back

Piedmont:

on

Piedmont:

the

Piedmont:

carpeted

Piedmont:

floor,

Piedmont:

staring

Piedmont:

at

Piedmont:

the

Piedmont:

ceiling. “We

Piedmont:

never

Piedmont:

revisit

Piedmont:

these

Piedmont:

places.”
Waverly lays

Piedmont:

down

Piedmont:

beside her. “You

Piedmont:

can

Piedmont:

always

Piedmont:

tell,

Piedmont:

though,

Piedmont:

right?

Piedmont:

Who

Piedmont:

the

Piedmont:

chronic ‘mess-a-holics’

Piedmont:

are?

Piedmont:

Some

Piedmont:

of

Piedmont:

our

Piedmont:

hosts

Piedmont:

have

Piedmont:

it

Piedmont:

together,

Piedmont:

and

Piedmont:

others

Piedmont:

are

Piedmont:

just …

Piedmont:

living

Piedmont:

in

Piedmont:

the

Piedmont:

moment.”

Piedmont:

A

Piedmont:

pause. “Our

Piedmont:

foxy

Piedmont:

friend

Piedmont:

seems

Piedmont:

to

Piedmont:

be

Piedmont:

the

Piedmont:

latter.”
“Nothing

Piedmont:

wrong with

Piedmont:

living

Piedmont:

in

Piedmont:

the

Piedmont:

moment,”

Piedmont:

Cerise

Piedmont:

says,

Piedmont:

giving

Piedmont:

him

Piedmont:

a harmless elbow. “Like when we were playing

Piedmont:

just

Piedmont:

now?

Piedmont:

Wasn’t

Piedmont:

planned.

Piedmont:

Just …

Piedmont:

happened.”
“Yeah … ”
He

Piedmont:

turns

Piedmont:

his

Piedmont:

head,

Piedmont:

looks

Piedmont:

to

Piedmont:

her.      
She

Piedmont:

looks

Piedmont:

to

Piedmont:

him.
Call it

Piedmont:

magnetism. Or

Piedmont:

gravity.

Piedmont:

But,

Piedmont:

soon,

Piedmont:

he

Piedmont:

is

Piedmont:

rolling

Piedmont:

toward

Piedmont:

her,

Piedmont:

and their

Piedmont:

lips

Piedmont:

are

Piedmont:

meeting

Piedmont:

in

Piedmont:

a

Piedmont:

soft,

Piedmont:

tilting

Piedmont:

kiss.
Which

Piedmont:

is

Piedmont:

immediately

Piedmont:

interrupted

Piedmont:

by

Piedmont:

Clay,

Piedmont:

bursting

Piedmont:

in,

Piedmont:

crumbs

Piedmont:

tumbling

Piedmont:

off

Piedmont:

his

Piedmont:

whiskers, “Guys.

Piedmont:

Snacks.”

Piedmont:

He

Piedmont:

crunches and

Piedmont:

nods at

Piedmont:

them. “Mmf. Heeyyyyy! What’s goin’ on here?”
Crunch-crunch-crunch.
INTERVIEW CHAIR –

Waverly:

“Well,

Waverly:

Clay,

Waverly:

I

Waverly:

was

Waverly:

nibbling

Waverly:

on

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

most

Waverly:

beautiful

Waverly:

red

Waverly:

squirrel

Waverly:

in

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

universe,

Waverly:

but,

Waverly:

sure,

Waverly:

I’ll

Waverly:

settle

Waverly:

for

Waverly:

flamin’

Waverly:

hot

Waverly:

dill

Waverly:

pickle

Waverly:

potato

Waverly:

chips

Waverly:

instead.”
Cut to

Waverly:

hallway,

Waverly:

Zora

Waverly:

and

Waverly:

Harlan.
“What’s down there?” Zora asks.
“Oh, uh … y’know,

Waverly:

just

Waverly:

some

Waverly:

rooms?

Waverly:

Bedroom,

Waverly:

maybe,” the

Waverly:

fox

Waverly:

mumbles.
“Maaaybe?” Zora asks in a giggling, singsong tone.

Waverly:

She

Waverly:

saunters toward

Waverly:

that door, the camera captivated by the cadence of her hips, the way she

Waverly:

twirls

Waverly:

and

Waverly:

moves.
Harlan

Waverly:

follows,

Waverly:

sniffing

Waverly:

at

Waverly:

her,

Waverly:

daring

Waverly:

to

Waverly:

touch

Waverly:

that regal

Waverly:

tail.

Waverly:

When

Waverly:

she

Waverly:

doesn’t

Waverly:

object,

Waverly:

he

Waverly:

starts

Waverly:

to

Waverly:

comb it

Waverly:

with

Waverly:

his

Waverly:

fingers.

Waverly:

She’s so

Waverly:

warm!

Waverly:

He can

Waverly:

feel

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

heat

Waverly:

of

Waverly:

her.
He’s

Waverly:

shivering,

Waverly:

almost

Waverly:

panting.

Waverly:

He’s

Waverly:

rarely

Waverly:

felt

Waverly:

like

Waverly:

this! “You’re

Waverly:

like (BLEEP!)-ing

Waverly:

ginger

Waverly:

and

Waverly:

nutmeg

Waverly:

and …

Waverly:

mmm.” A huff. “Allll

Waverly:

the

Waverly:

good

Waverly:

spices.”
INTERVIEW

Waverly:

CHAIR –

Harlan:

“Yeah, there are bad spices.

Harlan:

Celery

Harlan:

salt?”

Harlan:

He

Harlan:

makes

Harlan:

a

Harlan:

gagging

Harlan:

noise. “(BLEEP!)

Harlan:

that.

Harlan:

Celery

Harlan:

is

Harlan:

gross.

Harlan:

It’s

Harlan:

like

Harlan:

if

Harlan:

seaweed

Harlan:

were

Harlan:

crispy.

Harlan:

Fennel,

Harlan:

mustard … ”
He

Harlan:

counts

Harlan:

on

Harlan:

his

Harlan:

fingers.
“Cumin?”
He

Harlan:

tilts

Harlan:

his

Harlan:

head,

Harlan:

spreading

Harlan:

his

Harlan:

paws.
Back

Harlan:

to

Harlan:

hallway.
The

Harlan:

giant

Harlan:

squirrel,

Harlan:

with

Harlan:

a

Harlan:

fevered

Harlan:

look

Harlan:

in

Harlan:

her

Harlan:

eyes,

Harlan:

says, “You

Harlan:

like

Harlan:

it spicy, foxy?”
He nods

Harlan:

eagerly. “Uh-huh!”
Zora

Harlan:

kicks

Harlan:

open

Harlan:

his

Harlan:

bedroom

Harlan:

door,

Harlan:

demanding

Harlan:

huskily, “Show

Harlan:

me.”
Start

Harlan:

commercial

Harlan:

break.



At

Harlan:

dusk, a

Harlan:

red

Harlan:

squirrel

Harlan:

is

Harlan:

sitting

Harlan:

outdoors

Harlan:

by

Harlan:

a

Harlan:

crackling

Harlan:

fire

Harlan:

with

Harlan:

assorted

Harlan:

rodent friends. The moon

Harlan:

is full, and the

Harlan:

leaves

Harlan:

on

Harlan:

the

Harlan:

nearby

Harlan:

trees

Harlan:

are

Harlan:

dry

Harlan:

and

Harlan:

golden.
The squirrel

Harlan:

goes

Harlan:

to

Harlan:

gnaw on a

Harlan:

wood stick,

Harlan:

which

Harlan:

instantly breaks in half in their mouth. The squirrel grimaces, barking

Harlan:

out

Harlan:

in

Harlan:

exaggerated

Harlan:

pain.
“Has

Harlan:

this

Harlan:

happened

Harlan:

to

Harlan:

you?”

Harlan:

a

Harlan:

voice

Harlan:

asks.
The squirrel

Harlan:

nods,

Harlan:

their

Harlan:

friends

Harlan:

oblivious to

Harlan:

the

Harlan:

omniscient

Harlan:

narrator.
“Tired of

Harlan:

splinters

Harlan:

on

Harlan:

your

Harlan:

tongue?

Harlan:

Ready

Harlan:

to

Harlan:

move

Harlan:

on

Harlan:

from

Harlan:

those

Harlan:

old

Harlan:

chew

Harlan:

sticks?”
“Yes!”

Harlan:

the

Harlan:

squirrel

Harlan:

declares. “But

Harlan:

what

Harlan:

can

Harlan:

I

Harlan:

do?”
“Try

Harlan:

Ro-chews!”
In

Harlan:

a flash,

Harlan:

the

Harlan:

product

Harlan:

finds itself

Harlan:

magically

Harlan:

transported into

Harlan:

the

Harlan:

squirrel’s

Harlan:

paws.
The squirrel’s

Harlan:

eyes

Harlan:

widen.
“Your

Harlan:

teeth

Harlan:

are

Harlan:

special,”

Harlan:

the

Harlan:

announcer

Harlan:

says. “They

Harlan:

don’t

Harlan:

stop

Harlan:

for

Harlan:

anything,

Harlan:

and neither

Harlan:

should

Harlan:

you!

Harlan:

Ro-chews is

Harlan:

the

Harlan:

chew

Harlan:

stick

Harlan:

that’s

Harlan:

hard

Harlan:

on

Harlan:

teeth

Harlan:

but

Harlan:

easy

Harlan:

on

Harlan:

your

Harlan:

mouth!

Harlan:

None

Harlan:

of

Harlan:

that

Harlan:

bitter

Harlan:

aftertaste.

Harlan:

And

Harlan:

less

Harlan:

mess!”
The squirrel

Harlan:

can

Harlan:

be

Harlan:

seen

Harlan:

gnawing

Harlan:

on

Harlan:

one,

Harlan:

laughing

Harlan:

at a

Harlan:

friend’s

Harlan:

joke.
“Now,

Harlan:

in

Harlan:

limited

Harlan:

edition

Harlan:

pumpkin

Harlan:

spice.

Harlan:

It’s

Harlan:

a

Harlan:

fall

Harlan:

festival

Harlan:

for

Harlan:

your

Harlan:

mouth!

Harlan:

Ro-chews.

Harlan:

Recommended

Harlan:

by

Harlan:

four out of

Harlan:

five

Harlan:

ro-dentists!”



End

Harlan:

commercial

Harlan:

break.
The

Harlan:

team

Harlan:

filters

Harlan:

out

Harlan:

of

Harlan:

Harlan’s

Harlan:

front

Harlan:

door.

Harlan:

Their

Harlan:

stay is

Harlan:

over,

Harlan:

their

Harlan:

task

Harlan:

complete.
Waverly and

Harlan:

Cerise

Harlan:

walk side by

Harlan:

side

Harlan:

to the

Harlan:

S.Y.S. van,

Harlan:

paws

Harlan:

brushing,

Harlan:

close

Harlan:

to

Harlan:

holding.
Waverly

Harlan:

gives

Harlan:

a

Harlan:

shy,

Harlan:

happy

Harlan:

smile

Harlan:

to

Harlan:

the

Harlan:

camera

Harlan:

as

Harlan:

he

Harlan:

passes

Harlan:

it.
The

Harlan:

camera

Harlan:

then

Harlan:

cuts

Harlan:

away,

Harlan:

showing

Harlan:

before

Harlan:

and

Harlan:

after

Harlan:

shots

Harlan:

of all

Harlan:

the

Harlan:

rooms

Harlan:

inside

Harlan:

the

Harlan:

house.

Harlan:

Cleaned

Harlan:

and

Harlan:

organized!
Cut

Harlan:

back

Harlan:

to

Harlan:

front

Harlan:

yard.
“Another

Harlan:

house ‘squirrelled’,”

Harlan:

Clay

Harlan:

says

Harlan:

victoriously,

Harlan:

giving

Harlan:

a

Harlan:

thumbs

Harlan:

up

Harlan:

to

Harlan:

the

Harlan:

camera

Harlan:

before

Harlan:

he

Harlan:

gets

Harlan:

into

Harlan:

the

Harlan:

van.

Harlan:

He’s

Harlan:

driving,

Harlan:

of

Harlan:

course. “There’s

Harlan:

something

Harlan:

rewarding

Harlan:

about

Harlan:

knowing

Harlan:

you

Harlan:

left

Harlan:

a

Harlan:

place

Harlan:

better

Harlan:

than

Harlan:

you

Harlan:

found

Harlan:

it.”
In

Harlan:

the

Harlan:

background,

Harlan:

Piedmont

Harlan:

gives

Harlan:

the

Harlan:

camera

Harlan:

a

Harlan:

withering

Harlan:

look.
INTERVIEW

Harlan:

CHAIR –

Piedmont:

“Oh,

Piedmont:

there

Piedmont:

was

Piedmont:

some

Piedmont:

squirrelling

Piedmont:

going

Piedmont:

on, alright.”
He

Piedmont:

crosses

Piedmont:

his

Piedmont:

arms.
“We

Piedmont:

all

Piedmont:

heard Zora

Piedmont:

banging that

Piedmont:

fox. And

Piedmont:

Waverly

Piedmont:

is

Piedmont:

this

Piedmont:

close

Piedmont:

to

Piedmont:

doing it

Piedmont:

with

Piedmont:

Cerise. And

Piedmont:

what

Piedmont:

about

Piedmont:

me?

Piedmont:

Hmm? Mm? What

Piedmont:

about

Piedmont:

your

Piedmont:

handsome,

Piedmont:

cultured

Piedmont:

Prevost’s

Piedmont:

squirrel?

Piedmont:

I

Piedmont:

mean … ”
He

Piedmont:

shakes

Piedmont:

his

Piedmont:

head,

Piedmont:

blowing

Piedmont:

out

Piedmont:

a

Piedmont:

breath,

Piedmont:

at

Piedmont:

a

Piedmont:

loss.
“What

Piedmont:

are

Piedmont:

the

Piedmont:

odds

Piedmont:

of

Piedmont:

finding

Piedmont:

a

Piedmont:

single

Piedmont:

gay

Piedmont:

homeowner

Piedmont:

who

Piedmont:

is

Piedmont:

also

Piedmont:

tragically

Piedmont:

unorganized?”
He

Piedmont:

scrunches

Piedmont:

his

Piedmont:

muzzle.
“I’d

Piedmont:

have

Piedmont:

better

Piedmont:

luck (BLEEP!)-ing

Piedmont:

a

Piedmont:

unicorn.”
A

Piedmont:

head-tilt.
“Or

Piedmont:

Clay.”
Back

Piedmont:

to

Piedmont:

front yard.
Zora, the

Piedmont:

last to leave

Piedmont:

the

Piedmont:

house,

Piedmont:

winks

Piedmont:

at

Piedmont:

Harlan,

Piedmont:

who

Piedmont:

is

Piedmont:

understandably

Piedmont:

sorry

Piedmont:

to

Piedmont:

see

Piedmont:

her

Piedmont:

go.
INTERVIEW

Piedmont:

CHAIR –

Zora:

“So,

Zora:

I

Zora:

was

Zora:

actually

Zora:

in,

Zora:

like,

Zora:

crazy

Zora:

heat.”
The

Zora:

camera

Zora:

pushes

Zora:

in.
“Yeahhh. Thought

Zora:

I

Zora:

had

Zora:

it

Zora:

under

Zora:

control, and

Zora:

then

Zora:

it

Zora:

was,

Zora:

like,

Zora:

uhh, (BLEEP!).

Zora:

Nature

Zora:

spiked

Zora:

the

Zora:

ball

Zora:

in

Zora:

my

Zora:

face.

Zora:

By

Zora:

then,

Zora:

it

Zora:

was

Zora:

too

Zora:

late.

Zora:

Game,

Zora:

set,

Zora:

match.”
She

Zora:

shrugs.
“Would’ve (BLEEP!)-ed

Zora:

anyone

Zora:

if

Zora:

they’d looked

Zora:

at

Zora:

me

Zora:

for more than three

Zora:

seconds. Ha! Don’t worry,

Zora:

I

Zora:

took

Zora:

a

Zora:

pill

Zora:

after,

Zora:

so …

Zora:

hmm?”
Camera

Zora:

pulls

Zora:

back.
“We were in there

Zora:

quite a

Zora:

while. Um, heh.”
She

Zora:

rubs

Zora:

her

Zora:

neck,

Zora:

sheepishly.
“Thing

Zora:

is,

Zora:

I

Zora:

totally

Zora:

forgot

Zora:

foxes

Zora:

had

Zora:

knots …

Zora:

I

Zora:

mean,

Zora:

until,

Zora:

y’know.”
She

Zora:

pauses.
“Oh,

Zora:

yeah,

Zora:

it

Zora:

was

Zora:

good.

Zora:

Wasn’t

Zora:

a

Zora:

life-altering

Zora:

experience,”

Zora:

she

Zora:

qualifies, “but he

Zora:

scratched

Zora:

my

Zora:

itch.

Zora:

I’m

Zora:

still

Zora:

a

Zora:

little

Zora:

sore,

Zora:

though.”
A

Zora:

big

Zora:

smile.
“But

Zora:

we

Zora:

had

Zora:

a

Zora:

super

Zora:

nice

Zora:

chat afterward

Zora:

while we were

Zora:

waiting to

Zora:

get

Zora:

unstuck. Yeah. I

Zora:

think

Zora:

I

Zora:

got

Zora:

him

Zora:

interested

Zora:

in

Zora:

beach

Zora:

volleyball!”
Camera

Zora:

cuts

Zora:

to

Zora:

shot

Zora:

of

Zora:

the

Zora:

squirrels driving away, the fox waving goodbye. The dumpster truck follows,

Zora:

nearly

Zora:

overflowing.
End

Zora:

credits

Zora:

begin

Zora:

to scroll.
INTERVIEW

Zora:

CHAIR –

Harlan:

“Holy (BLEEP!).”
The

Harlan:

camera

Harlan:

jump-cuts

Harlan:

to

Harlan:

a

Harlan:

close-up of

Harlan:

his

Harlan:

expression.
Then

Harlan:

jumps

Harlan:

back.
“Yeah,

Harlan:

we

Harlan:

were

Harlan:

stuck

Harlan:

together

Harlan:

for …

Harlan:

I

Harlan:

don’t

Harlan:

know,

Harlan:

half

Harlan:

an

Harlan:

hour?

Harlan:

Never

Harlan:

been

Harlan:

tied

Harlan:

with

Harlan:

anyone

Harlan:

that

Harlan:

long.

Harlan:

Ever.

Harlan:

Bet

Harlan:

that’s

Harlan:

a

Harlan:

world

Harlan:

record.

Harlan:

Has

Harlan:

to

Harlan:

be.

Harlan:

Can

Harlan:

you look that up?”
His angular ears flick.
“Oh. Well, I’ll

Harlan:

do

Harlan:

it

Harlan:

later,

Harlan:

I

Harlan:

guess.

Harlan:

But

Harlan:

I’m

Harlan:

telling

Harlan:

you,

Harlan:

her (BLEEP!)

Harlan:

did

Harlan:

a

Harlan:

number

Harlan:

on

Harlan:

me.”
He

Harlan:

says

Harlan:

conspiratorially, “Pretty

Harlan:

sure

Harlan:

she

Harlan:

was

Harlan:

in

Harlan:

heat!

Harlan:

Yeah.

Harlan:

Jackpot! Heh.

Harlan:

Seriously,

Harlan:

like … ”
He grins

Harlan:

toothily, licking his fangs.
“I

Harlan:

was excited

Harlan:

with

Harlan:

a

Harlan:

capital

Harlan:

Erection.”
He

Harlan:

snorts

Harlan:

at

Harlan:

his ‘joke.’
A

Harlan:

pause, blinking.
“Am

Harlan:

I

Harlan:

allowed

Harlan:

to

Harlan:

say

Harlan:

that?”
Another

Harlan:

pause,

Harlan:

scrunching

Harlan:

his

Harlan:

face.
“I

Harlan:

hope

Harlan:

mom

Harlan:

isn’t

Harlan:

watching

Harlan:

this … ”
End

Harlan:

of

Harlan:

show.



The

Harlan:

narrator is

Harlan:

back.
“Thanks

Harlan:

for

Harlan:

watching

Harlan:

Squirrel

Harlan:

Your

Harlan:

Stuff!

Harlan:

We’ll

Harlan:

be

Harlan:

back

Harlan:

with

Harlan:

an

Harlan:

all-new

Harlan:

episode

Harlan:

next

Harlan:

Wednesday.

Harlan:

When

Harlan:

the

Harlan:

S.Y.S. team

Harlan:

is

Harlan:

asked

Harlan:

to ‘clean

Harlan:

the

Harlan:

cobwebs’

Harlan:

out

Harlan:

of

Harlan:

a

Harlan:

haunted

Harlan:

house,

Harlan:

they

Harlan:

surely

Harlan:

won’t

Harlan:

get

Harlan:

paranoid

Harlan:

and

Harlan:

see

Harlan:

ghosts?

Harlan:

Or

Harlan:

will

Harlan:

they?
“Stay

Harlan:

tuned

Harlan:

for

Harlan:

Rat

Harlan:

Your

Harlan:

Ride!
“Only

Harlan:

on

Harlan:

SCURRY-TV.

Harlan:

Programming

Harlan:

to

Harlan:

gnaw on.”




This

Harlan:

was “Squirrel

Harlan:

Your

Harlan:

Stuff”

Harlan:

by

Harlan:

Field

Harlan:

T.

Harlan:

Mouse, read for you by Rob MacWolf, Werewolf Hitchhiker. You can find more stories on

Harlan:

the

Harlan:

web

Harlan:

at

Harlan:

thevoice.dog,

Harlan:

or

Harlan:

find

Harlan:

the

Harlan:

show

Harlan:

wherever

Harlan:

you

Harlan:

get

Harlan:

your

Harlan:

podcasts.

Be

Harlan:

sure

Harlan:

to

Harlan:

come

Harlan:

back

Harlan:

next

Harlan:

week,

Harlan:

as

Harlan:

we

Harlan:

welcome

Harlan:

our

Harlan:

friends

Harlan:

of

Harlan:

every

Harlan:

shape,

Harlan:

ability,

Harlan:

gender,

Harlan:

and

Harlan:

species

Harlan:

to

Harlan:

the

Harlan:

first

Harlan:

episode

Harlan:

of Pride Month 2025.

Thank you for

Harlan:

listening

Harlan:

to

Harlan:

The

Harlan:

Voice

Harlan:

of

Harlan:

Dog.

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About the Podcast

Show artwork for The Voice of Dog
The Voice of Dog
Furry stories to warm the ol' cockles, read by Rob MacWolf and guests. If you have a story that would suit the show, you can get in touch with @VoiceOfDog@meow.social on Mastodon, @voiceofdog.bsky.social on Blue Sky, or @Theodwulf on Telegram.

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Khaki